Flames

[Coeur]

Pain causes me to write. I am happy with how this turned out, even though I'll probably dislike it tomorrow when it's not one in the morning.

The first sparks of love cause the entire relationship to ignite and die. Flames do not warm and comfort, but disintegrate and destroy. My friendships are like slabs of firewood: set, heavy, inflexible, unyielding, and swiftly destroyed under the burning pressure of affection. Alas, if only those I loved could stand the blazing fire; if only I could allow them to percieve it in full. Thousands of forests can blaze endlessly, but when my meager slabs of wood ignite visibly, they turn to worthless ash. Thus, I alight the lantern of my unseen heart, that I may contain it, and avert the destruction that always insues. If only I wasn't forced to contain my strongest sentiments within! I sacrifice my thoughts to feed these immutable fires, for no loved one desires to share its warmth. Day by day it burns stronger, the flames grow taller, my heart is ravaged as it begs for the wood that it requires.

The flames of love make stark the barren vessel of loneliness that I have repeatedly become. Am I meant to die a martyr's death, a witch's death by the flames of my own heart, merely because I sought to love? Is the joy that I experience so potent that suffering must immedietely follow to counterbalance it? Must desire be so cruelly smited? Why must I be a sleepless wanderer who stops at every unfit resting ground I find, because I am lost and far from home? Am I cursed to displace the love I feel for those who scourge me to those who I feel nothing for? Why cannot desire and expression be cohesive? Am I so wretched, so despised, that only the wretched and despised desire my flames? Why am I continually estranged from the ones for who those flames were ignited for?

I fancy myself loving of all, but my heart burns for a mere few. I share the warmth of my heart with all who desire it, each person recieving the smallest flicker, so that I can rid of the heat that will eventually destroy me.