Fitting in

[Coeur]

I have trouble fitting in. I can imagine someone reading this and thinking: "She is probably some emo who gives people death stares and makes idle threats."

No. I could list off personal attributes, but I won’t. You just have to trust that I am a decent human being.

Until recently, I could understand why I did not have a lot of friends. I was VERY shy and VERY quiet around unfamiliar people. Now I have torn down my walls, but there doesn't seem to be anybody on the other side.

Allow me to explain. You know how you just "click" with a new person? That very rarely happens with me. If I meet a guy, he will show no interest in me whatsoever. As in, even if I try to talk to him, I get monosyllabic responses. Guys will look from me from afar, but if I actually start to engage them in conversation, it's like I'm invisible. They don't seem to be interested in me as a person, let alone as a romantic interest. People have repeatedly told me that I look like a model. I disagree with that assessment, but I know that I am not ugly. Guys that do know me say that I’m beautiful. However, most guys don’t talk to me.

The same thing goes for friend relationships. No matter how much I talk, or listen, no impact is made. I literally can faze in and out of my groups whenever I want, and nobody will be curious as to where I am. I am legitimately trying and NOTHING happens. It feels like I'm pushing against a mountain. I'm not trying too hard, either. NOBODY could say that I come on too strong. If someone doesn't want to talk, I get the message.

I feel like I have a lot to offer as a friend and as a person. But nobody seems interested. No, I am not saying that I am entitled to attention. I just don't understand why I'm somehow outside of every circle, no matter how hard I try.

It's just weird. The friends that I do have think I'm amazing. Yet, nobody else will give me the time of day. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't even think that I'm doing anything wrong. I feel like there's a brand on my forehead that says "stay away!" and I can’t do anything about it.

Maybe the problem is who I am comparing myself to. There are other girls my age that seem to have infinite friends and have boys falling for them all over the place. I am not one of them, and I do not see how it comes so easily to them.

Maybe I was quiet for too long? Perhaps my track record is permanent at my school. However, this problem seems to exist in other places too. People don't dislike me. They are just indifferent. I know that everyone focuses on themselves, not others, [as seen in this post], but some people do seem to have an easier time making friends.

I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of struggling. This area shouldn’t be one of such great difficulty. I shouldn’t HAVE to try to get people to notice me. If they don’t value me, I shouldn’t value them as friends.

Nonetheless, I am tired, frustrated, and confused.

 

[proteanmix]

Instead of trying to make yourself known, have you tried to know others? People tend to like people who take an interest in them.

Would you be interested in someone who seemed to take a genuine interest in you?

 

[heart]

There's little you can do about who attends your school but realize there are probably people there whom you would click with more but for some reason your paths don't cross.

I would spend this time getting to know yourself in depth and trying to align the outer you with the real inner you. The only way to get into touch with more kindered spirits is for them to be able to meet you and see you for what you are.

Find that thing for which you have a passion, some creative, charitible or intellectual outlet and focus on it. Find what this acceptance and love from within yourself and then in doing that, you'll come along others who share your passions.

 

[heart]

Also consider this post: http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/764760-post62.html

 

[Coeur]

Thank you for your responses!

I do show interest in other people. I compliment them a lot and talk about what they are interested in. It's no no avail.

Heart, you are correct. I've noticed that people appreciate my introvert traits, without me needing to try to be an extrovert. My efforts to be extroverted were an effort to bring those inner traits out, but I don't know how well that is working.

It is just frustrating to see some people make 29545345 friends without doing anything remarkable.

 

[INTJMom]

ISTJ guys like INFP gals.
ISTJ guys are kind of quiet and reserved, too.
My sister is an INFP.
She just had a couple of close girlfriends in school.
She's not the type that boys flocked around,
though she had a couple of boyfriends in high school.
She was smart and pretty and well-dressed.
She found a really great guy when she was in college.
He's an ISTJ.
They've been married over 20 years.

I'm hoping that gives you something to look forward to.

 

[heart]

It is just frustrating to see some people make 29545345 friends without doing anything remarkable.

Coer, I would say do the very best you can to develop your own potiential, be in those avenues of life where that takes you and there you'll meet people who have the most in common with you. Don't compare yourself too much to others but find those things within yourself that make your own soul sing.

Edit: The most valuable thing about Victor's post is the idea of letting your own heart move you to action verses forcing action before feeling comes simply to try and fit in with an extroverted world. I went through times were I tried this and it didn't work for me and it led me to a type of scattered mental exahustion.

It's certainly not a good idea to shrink away from the world towards social isolation and it is a good idea to learn to extrovert more and gain confidence in doing so but I guess what I am saying is that I have learned it is better to do as that post talks about, let your heart and soul inspire you to action, listen to your inner voice first. Introvert will probably never be as spontaenous as extrovert? This is okay though, it is just how the introvert works.

Just a side thought:

In Little Women, it's Jo who ends up having the happiest marriage I think.