00c
New member
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2014
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I'm going to start making blog posts once a month including what I consider to be the most significant things to happen and random thoughts that come as they go.
This month is a typical one, I'd say. Several of my classes in school were changed as a result of problems I had with a student causing me to get my classes switched even back then and now the classes I have seem a little less livelier, but that's probably just a matter of me getting used to them. I appreciate the loud kids, they're always unusually funny with their odd little tangents and they always make it easy to laugh and boy do I laugh a lot. Last year, I had decided to take 3 AP classes, with all of their supposed rigor and what-not and although I suppose they were a little difficult, the environment was rather uptight and more limiting than inspiring and comparing it to the regular classes I take now with all of the laughs and standard "learning", I regret ever having taken the APs although they did serve their purpose. Why? Well, to begin with, most of the things that they cram down your throat will not matter at all, few things they show you in school really matter and maybe this comes to you as some typical angsty teenager talk, but it's the whole truth. School does not teach you how to be successful, school does not teach you how to be your own person, school teaches you how to work for someone else and school implants the idea that success is a one-way-street when it's in fact a city with so many routes to take. Most people do not understand this. Most people think that a useless piece of paper is going to speak more for them than their own voice and this is one of the biggest idiocies that I've seen in my life here so far. The current education system has just recently been established, but most people seem to ignorantly associate success with simply following this system when we both well know that this isn't the case. We both well know that kids who go through high-school and college and university still can't seem to get a job and the typical cries of "boohoo, I'm in so much debt and I don't have a job!!!", but it was your choice to invest in such a new system and it was your choice to follow what others told you rather than what you told yourself and it was your choice to believe that what other people were telling you to learn was going to benefit you. Brilliance isn't in an AP class or a 2400 SAT score or an Ivy League or whatever other crap they tell you is "amazing", brilliance is in ingenuity and a sense of character that you establish for yourself and only yourself. Most don't seem to understand this. Most people are going to try to change every essence of you by criticisms of what they're insecure about, about what they thought was the right thing to do, but failed, but yet what they thought was the right thing to do was something usually instilled on them by their own parents as well rather than by their own thought and so it's a cycle of people that can't seem to think out of the box and can't think for themselves even though they're under the illusion that they are thinking for themselves just because they can hear their own voice in their head. Brilliance is in yourself and the mind works on mechanisms of reward, whether this reward be bad or good, it's all in what you believe and tell yourself. You cannot by any circumstances undermine yourself, this is the worst thing and will only lead you into thinking like the millions of others who think that pity from some outside source will make them better and that some outside source will help them be better people than themselves. Whatever you tell yourself, your subconscious believes, whatever you imagine, your mind cannot distinguish from reality and so you think of grandeur and you will actively work towards grander and so you think of being humiliated by those around you and you'll cower like a sheep in presence of people who are more often than not just as insecure and pathetic as he who tells himself that he's the worst because they do it all the time as well. Insecurity breeds failure and you can't ever say otherwise.
It was Valentines this month. I didn't go to school the day before the Saturday as I didn't want to see this girl who I had and still have incredibly intense feelings for. Last Valentines she asked me if anyone gave me anything, can you believe it? I don't know why she bothered asking. The whole ordeal between me and her is something I repeatedly try to understand, but can't. As synchronicity goes, I had a crush on her and thought of her constantly and it turns out she has a crush on me and everything seems magical and incredibly surreal for an inexperienced "lover" such as myself. She insists we kiss the first few times we meet, we go to a school soccer game together and there she seemed distant and I have no idea why and from then on in we drifted and to her I'm sure it meant nothing at all, but to me it was so much more than it ever was. I wanted and want her so much, but nothing I do and no matter how I go about things, it isn't enough. You might ask why I question her asking me if I got anything for Valentines, "It's obvious she still liked you!", but if that were the case, why would she treat me like I'm some 3rd option and talk to me of all the things she doesn't do with me? I told her time and time again that I'm not jealous, I know my worth so why would I ever be. Time and time again she would text me out of nowhere and I would try to hold onto it as best as I could, but I guess I always said or did something wrong. The only thing I would have considered an answer to why she always did what she did was "You hurt me" and I never intentionally did anything to and if I did, why couldn't she understand my frustration of her lack of words and her contradicting actions? There were so many people that she decided were better than me, people she bothered to give a chance and it really irritates me. I really hate her for it and hate stems from some form or point of love, but I'm trying to forget her and this doesn't help. Nor does the fact that I get switched into her lunch or that the locker I was given is like 10 away from hers or the way she just gazes at me sometimes when we cross paths in the hallways. It really sucks because I do really feel so much for her and I have tried to truly fix whatever was broken and I can't justify my trying in any way I look at it because she doesn't deserve any of it and I can't stop. None of the people she decided were better than me are remarkable, they're your typical high-school 'get-into-any-relationship-i-can' type kids. It's maddening. I never gave anybody a chance until I gave her one and I can't stop thinking of her and I can't bring myself to jump from person to person to try to forget her because in then end I'll still feel for her and I'm unable to get the closure I feel I should. She said we could be friends and I would have loved that, she would have still been in my life and now she's not and she wouldn't care if I died and she thinks I'm just some ordinary boy she could date and so she left and she never gave me much of a chance. Out of nowhere she just pops up in my head and yes, maybe it's love, because for so long nothing happened between us and for so long I cannot seem to get her out of my mind, but it's not right. Love is illogical and maybe that's why I want to run from it while simultaneously making sense of it all. I hate it. I'm glad I got switched out of her cafeteria, yet it saddens me, but it makes me more happy than sad. That's enough of her.
I dyed my hair platinum blonde and although it might seem rather uncharacteristic of whatever I am, I wouldn't be so quick to denounce someones way of being on such singular things. I'm going to get a golden ear cuff soon as well. I want to stand out and I don't want to stand out how most ordinary kids decide to stand out; parties, being amongst "popular" people, getting on the honor roll quarter after quarter. Although I associate with all types of people and they associate with me, I don't hold them close at all, I appreciate them, but they're just there. Even my closest friend is more or less "just there". Fun is high on the list of what I go after, but winning is much higher and I don't have fun if I don't win. They're not going to help me win anything. My closest friend is my closest friend based on the very fact that he's perhaps the only person who I've encountered to be much like myself and who I actually consider competition although I know I'll be making and doing more than him. I'm not a particularly lonely person, it's not something I would bother wasting my time thinking about as there's so many things to do and the greatest people that have ever lived didn't have people breathing down their necks and telling them opinions every second of their lives. If there were more people around me who I truly considered more adept than me in what I value then perhaps I would spend more time with people, with them. There's that law of 33%. On the topic of me changing my physical appearance, I came across this one book called "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene which is really interesting (I'm sure you could find some parallels between the seducers, victims and psychological types) and I'm trying to adopt the archetype of "The Star". This archetype includes a certain elusiveness to them, a certain unique style and a certain form of manner which can then be further imagined by those he is being looked on by.
I'm going to join spring track; sprinting. It'll add to my character and it'll be fun.
I also met David and although he's not exactly incredibly bright, he's qualities that I wish I had. A certain lightheartedness that really endears me to him. We're going to start building and exploring together in Minecraft as well as play and win DOTA matches because he's actually pretty good.
This month is a typical one, I'd say. Several of my classes in school were changed as a result of problems I had with a student causing me to get my classes switched even back then and now the classes I have seem a little less livelier, but that's probably just a matter of me getting used to them. I appreciate the loud kids, they're always unusually funny with their odd little tangents and they always make it easy to laugh and boy do I laugh a lot. Last year, I had decided to take 3 AP classes, with all of their supposed rigor and what-not and although I suppose they were a little difficult, the environment was rather uptight and more limiting than inspiring and comparing it to the regular classes I take now with all of the laughs and standard "learning", I regret ever having taken the APs although they did serve their purpose. Why? Well, to begin with, most of the things that they cram down your throat will not matter at all, few things they show you in school really matter and maybe this comes to you as some typical angsty teenager talk, but it's the whole truth. School does not teach you how to be successful, school does not teach you how to be your own person, school teaches you how to work for someone else and school implants the idea that success is a one-way-street when it's in fact a city with so many routes to take. Most people do not understand this. Most people think that a useless piece of paper is going to speak more for them than their own voice and this is one of the biggest idiocies that I've seen in my life here so far. The current education system has just recently been established, but most people seem to ignorantly associate success with simply following this system when we both well know that this isn't the case. We both well know that kids who go through high-school and college and university still can't seem to get a job and the typical cries of "boohoo, I'm in so much debt and I don't have a job!!!", but it was your choice to invest in such a new system and it was your choice to follow what others told you rather than what you told yourself and it was your choice to believe that what other people were telling you to learn was going to benefit you. Brilliance isn't in an AP class or a 2400 SAT score or an Ivy League or whatever other crap they tell you is "amazing", brilliance is in ingenuity and a sense of character that you establish for yourself and only yourself. Most don't seem to understand this. Most people are going to try to change every essence of you by criticisms of what they're insecure about, about what they thought was the right thing to do, but failed, but yet what they thought was the right thing to do was something usually instilled on them by their own parents as well rather than by their own thought and so it's a cycle of people that can't seem to think out of the box and can't think for themselves even though they're under the illusion that they are thinking for themselves just because they can hear their own voice in their head. Brilliance is in yourself and the mind works on mechanisms of reward, whether this reward be bad or good, it's all in what you believe and tell yourself. You cannot by any circumstances undermine yourself, this is the worst thing and will only lead you into thinking like the millions of others who think that pity from some outside source will make them better and that some outside source will help them be better people than themselves. Whatever you tell yourself, your subconscious believes, whatever you imagine, your mind cannot distinguish from reality and so you think of grandeur and you will actively work towards grander and so you think of being humiliated by those around you and you'll cower like a sheep in presence of people who are more often than not just as insecure and pathetic as he who tells himself that he's the worst because they do it all the time as well. Insecurity breeds failure and you can't ever say otherwise.
It was Valentines this month. I didn't go to school the day before the Saturday as I didn't want to see this girl who I had and still have incredibly intense feelings for. Last Valentines she asked me if anyone gave me anything, can you believe it? I don't know why she bothered asking. The whole ordeal between me and her is something I repeatedly try to understand, but can't. As synchronicity goes, I had a crush on her and thought of her constantly and it turns out she has a crush on me and everything seems magical and incredibly surreal for an inexperienced "lover" such as myself. She insists we kiss the first few times we meet, we go to a school soccer game together and there she seemed distant and I have no idea why and from then on in we drifted and to her I'm sure it meant nothing at all, but to me it was so much more than it ever was. I wanted and want her so much, but nothing I do and no matter how I go about things, it isn't enough. You might ask why I question her asking me if I got anything for Valentines, "It's obvious she still liked you!", but if that were the case, why would she treat me like I'm some 3rd option and talk to me of all the things she doesn't do with me? I told her time and time again that I'm not jealous, I know my worth so why would I ever be. Time and time again she would text me out of nowhere and I would try to hold onto it as best as I could, but I guess I always said or did something wrong. The only thing I would have considered an answer to why she always did what she did was "You hurt me" and I never intentionally did anything to and if I did, why couldn't she understand my frustration of her lack of words and her contradicting actions? There were so many people that she decided were better than me, people she bothered to give a chance and it really irritates me. I really hate her for it and hate stems from some form or point of love, but I'm trying to forget her and this doesn't help. Nor does the fact that I get switched into her lunch or that the locker I was given is like 10 away from hers or the way she just gazes at me sometimes when we cross paths in the hallways. It really sucks because I do really feel so much for her and I have tried to truly fix whatever was broken and I can't justify my trying in any way I look at it because she doesn't deserve any of it and I can't stop. None of the people she decided were better than me are remarkable, they're your typical high-school 'get-into-any-relationship-i-can' type kids. It's maddening. I never gave anybody a chance until I gave her one and I can't stop thinking of her and I can't bring myself to jump from person to person to try to forget her because in then end I'll still feel for her and I'm unable to get the closure I feel I should. She said we could be friends and I would have loved that, she would have still been in my life and now she's not and she wouldn't care if I died and she thinks I'm just some ordinary boy she could date and so she left and she never gave me much of a chance. Out of nowhere she just pops up in my head and yes, maybe it's love, because for so long nothing happened between us and for so long I cannot seem to get her out of my mind, but it's not right. Love is illogical and maybe that's why I want to run from it while simultaneously making sense of it all. I hate it. I'm glad I got switched out of her cafeteria, yet it saddens me, but it makes me more happy than sad. That's enough of her.
I dyed my hair platinum blonde and although it might seem rather uncharacteristic of whatever I am, I wouldn't be so quick to denounce someones way of being on such singular things. I'm going to get a golden ear cuff soon as well. I want to stand out and I don't want to stand out how most ordinary kids decide to stand out; parties, being amongst "popular" people, getting on the honor roll quarter after quarter. Although I associate with all types of people and they associate with me, I don't hold them close at all, I appreciate them, but they're just there. Even my closest friend is more or less "just there". Fun is high on the list of what I go after, but winning is much higher and I don't have fun if I don't win. They're not going to help me win anything. My closest friend is my closest friend based on the very fact that he's perhaps the only person who I've encountered to be much like myself and who I actually consider competition although I know I'll be making and doing more than him. I'm not a particularly lonely person, it's not something I would bother wasting my time thinking about as there's so many things to do and the greatest people that have ever lived didn't have people breathing down their necks and telling them opinions every second of their lives. If there were more people around me who I truly considered more adept than me in what I value then perhaps I would spend more time with people, with them. There's that law of 33%. On the topic of me changing my physical appearance, I came across this one book called "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene which is really interesting (I'm sure you could find some parallels between the seducers, victims and psychological types) and I'm trying to adopt the archetype of "The Star". This archetype includes a certain elusiveness to them, a certain unique style and a certain form of manner which can then be further imagined by those he is being looked on by.
I'm going to join spring track; sprinting. It'll add to my character and it'll be fun.
I also met David and although he's not exactly incredibly bright, he's qualities that I wish I had. A certain lightheartedness that really endears me to him. We're going to start building and exploring together in Minecraft as well as play and win DOTA matches because he's actually pretty good.
