[MBTI General] ESFP/ENFP - how to get the ESFP off the ENFP?

[Twixt]

By all means, "treat him like a person" (as opposed to ... what? A pariah?)

HAHA sorry, typo! I meant to say, "treat him like a normal person"

 

[sarah]

HAHA sorry, typo! I meant to say, "treat him like a normal person"

hahaha! Okay, that makes much more sense. Anyway, good for you for speaking your mind, and I'm glad he took the news as well as he did.


Sarah
ISFP

 

[Twixt]

Good for you! And good for him not to behave badly about getting rejected.

As flattering as it may be to imagine this guy pining away for you, I gotta say, we SPs tend to live in the present moment. If we realize we don't have a chance with someone, we don't waste our time with that person. Keirsey uses the Aesop's fable example of the fox not wasting his time on the grapes he can't reach to describe how SPs tend to view love relationships. It's not that we don't have strong feelings, it's that we prefer to move on rather than sit around suffering indefinately after getting rejected by someone we thought was potential life-partner material.

Excellent. Progress. Now stick to your guns!

Truthfully, I'd really like to believe its progressed. It would be such a relief.

But every time I reject him as a romantic partner, it seems this always happens: he talks about a normal, neutral subject and everything seems casual for a few weeks/months. Then, he'll start.. hinting again. At a romantic relationship of sorts. He's said he keeps thinking up these questions/topics because he "just keeps wanting to talk to [me]".

UPDATE: Anyway, this time all seems well. But he just told me he'll always be there if I change my mind (or not).

And I told him firmly, to 'move on' because I'll never change my mind.

And you know what he said? "I will never give up."

(is trying very hard not to pull out hair)

Okay, really. Could someone kindly enlighten me on this? It doesn't seem to go with the Aesop's fable of giving up and moving on... Some people may think I'm being waaay oversensitive about this issue but it irks me. Its been on-going for quite a while and its terribly frustrating. Not to mention creepy. Is that just ESFP intensity?

Either way I really, really, REALLY NEED HELP GETTING RID OF THIS PERSON AHHH.

 

[sarah]

Truthfully, I'd really like to believe its progressed. It would be such a relief.

But every time I reject him as a romantic partner, it seems this always happens: he talks about a normal, neutral subject and everything seems casual for a few weeks/months. Then, he'll start.. hinting again. At a romantic relationship of sorts. He's said he keeps thinking up these questions/topics because he "just keeps wanting to talk to [me]".

UPDATE: Anyway, this time all seems well. But he just told me he'll always be there if I change my mind (or not).

And I told him firmly, to 'move on' because I'll never change my mind.

And you know what he said? "I will never give up."

Maybe I missed it, but why are you so certain this guy's an ESFP? That lifelong unrequited love stuff doesn't resonate with me at all. Nor do I think most SPs --especially the extraverted ones-- would understand it either. We MOVE ON when there's no physical and emotional relationship to be had with any one particular person. No matter how wonderful the man or woman in question may be, if he or she isn't responsive, there are other people who might be more so. Waiting around and hoping is incredibly boring.

Okay, really. Could someone kindly enlighten me on this? It doesn't seem to go with the Aesop's fable of giving up and moving on... Some people may think I'm being waaay oversensitive about this issue but it irks me. Its been on-going for quite a while and its terribly frustrating. Not to mention creepy. Is that just ESFP intensity?

Either way I really, really, REALLY NEED HELP GETTING RID OF THIS PERSON AHHH.

Okay, really... just refuse to be his friend. End The Friendship. If he's that much of a jerk that he can't take no for an answer, then cut him out of your life. Maybe it'll teach him a valuable lesson. "Relationship bullies" like that need to know that they can't have everything they want just because they want it.

Sarah
ISFP

 

[digesthisickness]

what his type is isn't the problem. he's not hearing you because you've changed your mind too many times and given him a "second" chance. because of that, it's easy for him to tell himself that this is temporary.

by doing it the way you've done it in the past, you've not only heightened his interest via causing him to chase you (intentionally or not), but you've inadvertently given him positive reinforcement every time he's kept trying.

think of the situation as a slot machine. that's exactly how they deliberately get people addicted. by paying off eventually if the person is persistent.

if you really want him gone, you have to unplug the machine completely.

 

[kiddykat]

My best advice: Politely remind him of what was already said anytime he makes another move. At the same time, keep him at a distance. I know it sounds cold/un-natural for ENFPs to cut off close friendships with people in general. Sometimes, it's necessary just to keep life simple/uncomplicated.

In my experiences, it's worse to prolong the friendship knowing that it's truly not 'platonic' once the other party has already declared interest. My best solution is to keep it real. Keep that person as an acquaintence. Be polite. Be firm. Avoid hanging out/anything personal.

I can't stand the thought of being friends with someone, knowing they have interest/pretending as though everything's cool, when all I'm doing is unintentionally leading them on by continuing the friendship because I don't wanna be mean.

 

[Googly_Eyes]

UPDATE: Anyway, this time all seems well. But he just told me he'll always be there if I change my mind (or not).

And I told him firmly, to 'move on' because I'll never change my mind.

And you know what he said? "I will never give up."

(is trying very hard not to pull out hair)

Okay, really. Could someone kindly enlighten me on this? It doesn't seem to go with the Aesop's fable of giving up and moving on... Some people may think I'm being waaay oversensitive about this issue but it irks me. Its been on-going for quite a while and its terribly frustrating. Not to mention creepy. Is that just ESFP intensity?

Either way I really, really, REALLY NEED HELP GETTING RID OF THIS PERSON AHHH.

I've seen an ESFP do this before. Whatever you do, don't give him any impression that you could both still be together some day (not that I think you are). In the case I saw, he (the ESFP) wound up being led on for a year until something happened that finally made him realize it would never happen. It wasn't pretty.

It's a really crappy thing to do to somebody, but I'd recommend avoiding him. Don't answer his calls, don't return his messages, pretend your not there if he shows up at your house. And if you find yourself in a position where you can't avoid him, be cold and distant towards him. You've made yourself clear and if he can't accept that then it's his problem. Wait until he stops trying to get your attention or be around you to start hanging out with him again.

 

[Twixt]

UPDATE: So I was really plain and said flat out, I will never, ever change my mind. I am very sure about this.

He said my words really hurt.

I asked him never to bring the topic up again because if he did, i wasn't sure if we could even be normal friends anymore.

He said ok. I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Few days later.. he sends me a text saying thanks for being nice the other day, sorry for making things between us go sour.

1. How should i interpret this?
2. Is he technically talking about the topic again?
3. Should i reply? (I'm guessing Googly_Eyes says no..?)

Maybe I missed it, but why are you so certain this guy's an ESFP? That lifelong unrequited love stuff doesn't resonate with me at all.

He took the test. Yeah, its weird.

he's not hearing you because you've changed your mind too many times and given him a "second" chance. because of that, it's easy for him to tell himself that this is temporary.

by doing it the way you've done it in the past, you've not only heightened his interest via causing him to chase you (intentionally or not), but you've inadvertently given him positive reinforcement every time he's kept trying.

Thanks, this makes sense. Argh, foolishness kills me D:

I've seen an ESFP do this before. Whatever you do, don't give him any impression that you could both still be together some day (not that I think you are). In the case I saw, he (the ESFP) wound up being led on for a year until something happened that finally made him realize it would never happen. It wasn't pretty.

It's a really crappy thing to do to somebody, but I'd recommend avoiding him. Don't answer his calls, don't return his messages, pretend your not there if he shows up at your house. And if you find yourself in a position where you can't avoid him, be cold and distant towards him. You've made yourself clear and if he can't accept that then it's his problem. Wait until he stops trying to get your attention or be around you to start hanging out with him again.

Thanks, yeah that sounds like a good idea. Only thing though, being my idiotic self I've ignored him in the past then started talking to him after a while (when my conscience told me I was being too 'mean' by ignoring him). Do you think he will take this avoidance as "temporary" (to quote digesthisickness)?

 

[Twixt]

And oh, yeah I have no idea what he means by "nice". The tone of the text seemed quite genuine so I don't think its sarcasm (there was a smiley face in it).

Or, i could be totally wrong.

?

 

[booyalab]

HOW DO I GET HIM TO STOP LIKING ME??? How can i get him off me? Without being too mean that things would be awkward between us?

Since the solution is so blindingly obvious, it's hard not to assume you're secretly reveling in the predicament.

What you're basically saying is "how do I get him to stop liking me without making him not like me anymore?"

 

[Salomé]

Since the solution is so blindingly obvious, it's hard not to assume you're secretly reveling in the predicament.

What you're basically saying is "how do I get him to stop liking me without making him not like me anymore?"

+1
Classic ENFP dilemma.

 

[Twixt]

Shit. Haha ok really, its obvious? Yeah I must be blind. This namby-pamby-ness = my need to remain on good terms with everyone (very stupid I know now).

So what to do is basically:

Keep that person as an acquaintence. Be polite. Be firm. Avoid hanging out/anything personal.

It's a really crappy thing to do to somebody, but I'd recommend avoiding him. Don't answer his calls, don't return his messages, pretend your not there if he shows up at your house. And if you find yourself in a position where you can't avoid him, be cold and distant towards him. You've made yourself clear and if he can't accept that then it's his problem. Wait until he stops trying to get your attention or be around you to start hanging out with him again.

Right. Ok. Thanks allll.


Oh, side note:

it's hard not to assume you're secretly reveling in the predicament.

Ack ok I probably would have said that myself too, if i just read this thread by some other person and hadn't gone thru this before. But um.. i suppose i'm just a backbone-less person but don't want to have to hurt people's feelings [but YES I know now that it is INEVITABLE if i want this to stop, and it was all my fault in the first place for letting this drag on so friggin long.]

 

[Charmed Justice]

I'm interested in knowing how old you are, but I have a hard time believing that you aren't romantically attracted to him.

Just the fact alone that you started a thread about him that was so long and detailed raises my eyebrows.

I fell hard for a man I believe was an ESFP, and my reaction to him(and the way things played out in the beginning) was similar to yours. He had a girl friend. It turned me off. I turned him down. He came back for more. I wondered rather or not he was attempting to charm and manipulate me, so I became very logical in my thinking in an attempt to protect myself from him. I never could have seen us together. I played his game, assuming that's all it was to him. I didn't think he was the committed type, even with that LT gf.

Nonetheless, I fell in love with him any way. And my biggest regret is that I never told him. I must say that he was the closest thing to a soul mate(if not) I've ever been. Once I realized that he was genuine in his feelings and stopped being skeptical of his motivations, we went together like peanut butter and jelly. Apparently though, in my immaturity, I just couldn't bring myself to believe that I had a romantic friendship with someone who really did understand(or at least accept) who I really was. He was one of the few people that I could really be me with. I mean the real me, without the mask.

And by the way, I would not have expressed our relationship this way at the time. I figured there was much more, much better out there somehow, and I passed him up to go look for it. It's been nearly 10 years, and that non-committal ESFP is now happily married.

If any part of you cares for this guy romantically(even if you're denying it to yourself), and you're not looking to get married and pregnant within a year, and you're pretty sure he has enough ethics to not sleep with your sister/mother/or pet, and you can generally be at ease with him(aside from your romantic skepticism), I'd say try him out. What do you have to lose? He could be the most amazing guy you've ever dated, or like all the rest, he could not be. But how will you know if you don't give him a chance? Assuming you're young-er than say 25, I must say that as you age, what you want from a mate generally changes, and no matter how NF you are, there really is no perfect relationship. If he's the amoral lying/stalker type I'd agree to just lose him completely(friendship and all), but based on what you wrote, that's not the case. Does he completely repulse you in some way?

It took me nearly 2 years to realize(admit) how deeply I felt for my ESFP(after we had both moved on and away). As an SP, he will likely move on. As an NF, you on the other hand, will never forget the missed possibility. Don't let it happen to you.

 

[CzeCze]

I am a female ENFP and there's this ESFP guy who seems to be totally into me.

Sounds familiar, yes, yes...

I don't like him romantically, and can never picture us together.

Either way, I do not want to go into a relationship with him. Not now, at least.

You know you just contradicted yourself in less than 2 paragraphs.

However, he said straight away that he'd "change" for me, he'd do "anything" for me.

I am 99% sure I don't believe him, but the part of me that's attuned to 'What Could Be' is holding me back from totally disregarding that statement.

This is NP super fail! If you allow yourself to continue on this route, you will NEVER get off this roller coaster. You need to make a decision and commit. Period. Otherwise, you are digging your own grave. Stop thinking "what if" and letting that drag your feet or act inconsistent from what it is you really want.

So my question is, HOW DO I GET HIM TO STOP LIKING ME??? How can i get him off me? Without being too mean that things would be awkward between us?

First, take care of the indecision in yourself. (see above) And don't be selfish. Meaning, the ESFP may very well drop you like a bad habit once he realizes that you have fully and truly rejected his advances and he has no hope in hell of ever being with you. He may also be resentful that he feels somehow (fairly or not) you "led him on" or the blow may just be a lot for him to handle for a while.

The thing is, that is his right. You have no right to hold back the truth from him because you are afraid of the consequences for you.

I know I hear people say things like this i.e. "I don't want to hurt them" but really what they are saying often is "I can't stand someone being angry at me or thinking I am a bad person or losing someone in my life."

If it is truly him you are worried for, then tell him the truth. Sooner than later. Say it any way you like. The truth itself will be "blunt" enough, you have to make sure it is clear. As long as you are not unecessarily rude, insulting, or hurtful, that'll do the trick. If he is ESFP he is possibly even more sensitive than an ENFP and that's just the way he is, so you can try to use that ENFP articulate...ness...to find a really gentle way of saying it. But I think in cases like these what's more important is to be clear.

Because at least if he thinks you are an insensitive jerk in the way you tell him, he can do himself a favor and stop talking to you under the false hope that you will like him. And then for you - voila! - problem solved!

And very important, once you tell him this - do NOT, I repeat, do NOT waffle back and start back on this roller coaster.

The situation you described sounds textbook XNFP. You have to be firm and clear, early on, the first time, and let the chips fall where they may.

If you don't commit you end up doing both of you a disservice.

Good luck! Let us know how it turns out!

 

[Chloe]

op is obviously intp. not enfp. nd it is really really old thread.

its so funny when i find some old thread and there the thread opener says "I'm ABCD, I so typical ABCD blah blah" but next his name is something completely opposite, lik Type: DCBA ....so much for relience on this all thing

 

[CzeCze]

OMG - this IS an old thread! LOLOLOL. I replied over a year after the OP and I don't see that member even post anymore.

Perceptive Chloee.

Me on the other hand? Super S fail?

My response still stands for anyone who has the OP's problem.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Don't play with people like that.