[ENFP] ENFP girlfriend confusing me! Help!

[fecaleagle]

So what if she is? You are making conspiracy theories in your head that will just keep you trapped in your own emotional crap. Be careful not to go into a downwards spiral. Plus as I said, this is a girl you shared some good times with why destroy that because of your own selfish feelings of rejection and pride?

Knowing that the girl I was fully devoted to and wanted to share a great life with has essentially left me out of curiosity for other guys is exactly what will help me avoid this emotional spiral that you speak of. I will feel completely free. No feelings of rejection or pride

 

[stringstheory]

Knowing that the girl I was fully devoted to and wanted to share a great life with has essentially left me out of curiosity for other guys is exactly what will help me avoid this emotional spiral that you speak of. I will feel completely free. No feelings of rejection or pride

I'd like to point something out to you: do you think maybe she is thinking the same thing? that the guy she thought knew and was fully devoted to would say something she perceived is so cruel, and maybe she's handling something wrong because she, in her stress, is acting out of having a weak moment, similar to you?

I'm not saying you should change your mind, especially if she doesn't come around fairly soon; you know yourself best, so if you are tired of waiting that's absolutely your prerogative, holding out like this can be seriously damaging. i'm just challenging you think about it this way, now and in your future relationships...you may end up deciding that people who have difficult times making big decisions like this are not the type for you.

 

[fecaleagle]

Thanks for the kind words everyone One of the main driving forces of me deciding to call it quits that I didn't mention, is that I could just sense that she wanted me to end it. So the decision would be made by me and that makes it easier on her. I could feel it, trust me...Ni at its finest. That's why I was saying that things weren't adding up and something was off, and based on her texts and conversation, it seemed like it involved another guy(s) in some way. Not saying she was unfaithful though. Hard to explain I guess

 

[stalemate]

Thanks for the kind words everyone One of the main driving forces of me deciding to call it quits that I didn't mention, is that I could just sense that she wanted me to end it. So the decision would be made by me and that makes it easier on her. I could feel it, trust me...Ni at its finest. That's why I was saying that things weren't adding up and something was off, and based on her texts and conversation, it seemed like it involved another guy(s) in some way. Not saying she was unfaithful though. Hard to explain I guess

OMG we turned you into a feeler!

 

[fecaleagle]

OMG we turned you into a feeler!

I seriously do think I have really gotten much more in touch with my Fi, although I have a long, long way ago as I get older. I mean, recently it has been developing more and more, but I really feel like this expedited the process. That's kinda how it works for us INTJs. We learn quick, and under pressure situations. The sad part is the inability of my ex to see me willing and working hard to pursue that growth, with the purpose of making both of us happy After my heartfelt letter (in which I abandoned all pride and made my self completely vulnerable for the first time in my entire life), she has the nerve to pick out a few poorly worded and innocent sentences and completely misconstrue and misinterpret them, to my horror. HELLO? Did you even read the letter as whole or did you analyze each sentence independently? That's what I get for being genuine, sincere, and apologetic. Everything I meant was from the heart and put the blame on me. Jeez lol, ENFPs can be the most. stubborn. type. of. all. Not to mention bringing up things that I said about possible future plans months ago, and the fact that I was unsure of them. Sorry I didn't give her a full update on the issue (umm could've simply asked) that I thought was dead because she never brought it up. Hello, the problem was resolved a long time ago in my head, and it should of been obvious if she had observed what I was now planning on in life and did ounce of logical thinking, or took 2 seconds to ask. Instead she makes the ridiculously asinine assumption that I knew my entire life plan far in advance, and completely made up this possibly shitty scenario and enjoyed watching her cry for the uncertainty of the future. That I took pleasure in it. She literally said all of that. That it shattered her emotional core. WTF? It didn't shatter your core, your ridiculous thinking process did. Honestly this girl seems to be on the verge of clinical psychosis, and this is coming from someone very knowledgeable in neuroscience. From personalitypage.com "ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions". Yep. That alone has ended an otherwise perfect relationship. I'm aware that my insensitivity when I said these recent hurtful things, but I apologized, took full responsibility, asked her to help me grow in these emotional areas, explained where I was coming from logically and emotionally, and said I was willing to try anything to avoid future pitfalls. Maybe one day it will click to her that what I have said and done has been truthful and well-intentioned, we just deal with things differently and she never communicated that to me. Then she will come crawling back to me begging for me back, dissatisfied with all the guys she has try to connect with. Sorry, but you're not gonna find someone that accepts you for who you are more than I did. Just had to vent the amount of injustice I have had to deal with. Sorry

 

[A window to the soul]

Yummies, this thread is delish !!!

Oh and cowboy, I brought you this>

. ...see, I'm sweet. <3

-skipping off to delete more posts-

 

[toast]

To be honest... it sounds like a thinker just rationalized his way out of mending a rift he created. I don't know all the details, but I would have acted the same way as her and I'd feel justified that I was the one waiting on him. As for her pushing him back and bringing up old issues, it sounds like she was trying to make a case or feel out to decide whether she believed the feelings he expressed when he wigged out or his feelings when he is calm. She was putting him through a ringer to work out her intuitions. If he doesn't want to deal with that, fine... but it seems at odds to me with this claim that she is perfect for and ultimately wanted by him. I'd agree with her that he doesn't seem to truly feel that way. The idea that her confirming she is wanting another guy will give him closure just screams "cop out" to me. I know this is speculation but I'd gamble things would be different if he'd given her the effort SHE was looking for, and not just what he thought was justifiable. If she confirms there is someone else, he can say there was nothing he COULD HAVE done. That whole idea is inconsistent with him being confident he did all he could.

To the OP, I'm sorry this is ao abrasive and I'm perfectly aware I don't know all the angles here. I could be completely wrong. But this subject brings up one of my biggest peeves when it comes between Ts & Fs, and I just had to reply with my feelings on this.

Here was my original response to the thread before I read how things had progressed...

If I was in a relationship where we both seemed to think things were "perfect", fo 3 years.. and the guy just suddenly "broke up" with me out of anger, I'd be doing the EXACT same thing. If you want her so bad why are you considering "cutting it off" just 'cause she wants to back off and figure out if she should trust you again? If I were her I would think myself INCAPABLE of breaking up with someone I loved that much over one fight. So I would assume you can't feel the same as I do if you did that. ENfps are not as assumptive, but will still feel all of that conflicting questioning inside. I know they hate dishonesty, but I think they hate hypocrisy more. I'm not saying you're a hipocrite, not by any means. You simply have the ability to go into that "mode" when enraged, but your ability to do what you did may not be comfortably understandable to her. To an ENF dark feelings that spill out in a rage are tinged with truth. So she will be left feeling like something doesn't add up. (I know it seems that way to me based on your OP.)

In my experience, TJs that are certain they're giving enough "evidence" that their love is real are usually nowhere near doing that to an ENF who is looking for it. If she wants to be with you, she wants to see you trying to actively go to her, hold her, love her or assure her AS MUCH AS she is keeping a distance... she may be looking for you to make it obvious that the distance is unwanted and make the bulk of the effort trying to mend that rift, as you are the one who made it. Ts seem to have a tendency to recover after a conflict and see little meaning in what emotional disconnection happened. So they just sort of move on as if that little moment didn't cause a huge rift. To an F, there usually needs to be a period of reconnection after something like that. It can be a terrible struggle for an F with a T when intuition comes into play. Both are left "waiting" for the other to bridge the distance. But the T is waiting for the F to "get back to normal" & the F is waiting for the T to actively reconnect or mend things, affirm or validate the distance, almost start over. It can get so bad. It gives me the chills just thinking about it.

If you are too hasty about deciding it isn't going to work she might see it as proof that you really didn't want her enough if you weren't willing to risk being rejected or the pain of waiting for her to open up again. So if you truly want to be with her, be the one to go to her, keep showing her how you feel, get your eyes off making an exit, and let her show you whether she wants to continue or not.

 

[A window to the soul]

^ Amen! Girl knows what she's talkin' bout!

I probably wouldn't have acted the same way, but I empathize with the truth! She's right on! Now you're a meanie, bad boy! ..and a cop out!

 

[fecaleagle]

To be honest... it sounds like a thinker just rationalized his way out of mending a rift he created. I don't know all the details, but I would have acted the same way as her and I'd feel justified that I was the one waiting on him. As for her pushing him back and bringing up old issues, it sounds like she was trying to make a case or feel out to decide whether she believed the feelings he expressed when he wigged out or his feelings when he is calm. She was putting him through a ringer to work out her intuitions. If he doesn't want to deal with that, fine... but it seems at odds to me with this claim that she is perfect for and ultimately wanted by him. I'd agree with her that he doesn't seem to truly feel that way. The idea that her confirming she is wanting another guy will give him closure just screams "cop out" to me. I know this is speculation but I'd gamble things would be different if he'd given her the effort SHE was looking for, and not just what he thought was justifiable. If she confirms there is someone else, he can say there was nothing he COULD HAVE done. That whole idea is inconsistent with him being confident he did all he could.

To the OP, I'm sorry this is ao abrasive and I'm perfectly aware I don't know all the angles here. I could be completely wrong. But this subject brings up one of my biggest peeves when it comes between Ts & Fs, and I just had to reply with my feelings on this.

Here was my original response to the thread before I read how things had progressed...

No offense taken. But this all just sounds foreign to me. Like I said, I'm not a mind reader, and when someone says they want space and requests for me to respect that, I do not have the ability to figure out that this means to do the exact opposite. All I have wanted is for open and honest communication. She has made it clear that she wants to not only cut off communication in person, but via phone and text...so I feel like my previous post is a more accurate description of the situation, since I know all of the facts. Anyways, it's too late. I considered so many times to drive to her city and see her, but thought that it would just make things worse. I would consider doing that to be able to see her face instead of doing this all via text and email as per her request, but I feel like she has moved on. All I needed to hear is maybe you should come and see me in person, then I'd be there in a heartbeat because I would know that it would be a step in the right direction. Again, see my previous post for my argument for that. She wanted me to end it. She didn't want me to save it. I truly feel like that.

 

[toast]

I feel like a huge bitch rereading that. He did make an effort and it sounds like a lot. I'm just wondering if he's asked her direct questions like: "what do you need from me to feel like I am really happy with you?" or "Can we start over?" or even "When can I come see you?" Maybe she's not seeing him 'cause she's afraid she'll get that 'weak in the knees, disarmed and spun around' thing T guys can give you when you're physically with them... especially if the sexual chemistry is good. But if he really means well and wants her couldn't disarming her like that be a potentially good thing? I'd try it.

 

[fecaleagle]

I feel like a huge bitch rereading that. He did make an effort and it sounds like a lot. I'm just wondering if he's asked her direct questions like: "what do you need from me to feel like I am really happy with you?" or "Can we start over?" or even "When can I come see you?" Maybe she's not seeing him 'cause she's afraid she'll get that 'weak in the knees, disarmed and spun around' thing T guys can give you when you're physically with them... especially if the sexual chemistry is good. But if he really means well and wants her couldn't disarming her like that be a potentially good thing? I'd try it.

The other night she said she was feeling sad. And I said I'm so sorry that I've done this to you, is there ANYTHING I can do to fix it or make you feel better? She said no....I asked are you sure....she said well if I think of something I'll let you know. I am so confused, given all of these ridiculous misinterpretations/judgments that she has made in the past, and never sought to resolve them. I feel like it built a resentment for me, while the whole time my intentions were to be an awesome bf and make her happy. It's ridiculous how wrong she is about every single issue that she has brought up from the past out of nowhere. You don't hold those issues in, and tell me that I'm an awesome bf and how you appreciate me, the week before all of this mess started.

 

[toast]

I must have missed that she directly said "no contact." If that's the case I would have no idea what to tell you, because my natural reaction would probably seem absurd and completely irrational.

 

[fecaleagle]

I must have missed that she directly said "no contact." If that's the case I would have no idea what to tell you, because my natural reaction would probably seem absurd and completely irrational.

I mean I would've loved more than anything to be able to go see her and hold her, touch her, look into her eyes. I believe I even mentioned that in a text. You can tell so much about another person's intentions and desires by doing all of this. NOT by texting/emailing/phone calls. If she thought it could save the relationship, wouldn't she have hinted at it? I guess I'm just oblivious to these kind of things, doesn't make my love and devotion any less pure. I just need a more direct form of communication, I AM an INTJ, NOT an ENFP.

But if he really means well and wants her couldn't disarming her like that be a potentially good thing?

Exactly. I've been wondering why she didn't want to give us that chance. AGAIN, more reason to back my "other guy" theory

 

[A window to the soul]

-stays and reaches for popcorn-

 

[toast]

Oh, and that last thing you said about the "Im sad" sounds like mind games going a bit into bordline (BPD) land... Either she has some issues outside of type or there is some serious communication problem, like she is looking for you to say/do something specific but won't directly tell you. (To an NF that means it would have meaning if you did it on your own but not otherwise. 'Tis one of our common vices in immaturity or insecurity.) Just do what you wanna do. It sounds like this has become "toxic."

 

[stringstheory]

I just need a more direct form of communication, I AM an INTJ, NOT an ENFP.

This is really the issue here; you can love someone more than anything, but that doesn't always mean a relationship will work out. it might help inspire one to put more effort into fixing communications, but at the end of the day sometimes it's best to just walk away having learned something that will help you find another person with whom you can actually COMMUNICATE and who you love just as much. I'm going to disagree with others and say you did the right thing. It doesn't mean i still don't see the validity and/or "rightness" of some of the things on her side of the issue and that I do really empathize her, i just think both of you need someone on similar levels of communication.

 

[A window to the soul]

I'm going to disagree with others and say you did the right thing.

-crickets-

 

[toast]

I can't say what the "right thing" is, but if my goal was to get her back, I'd have ravished her.

 

[A window to the soul]

I can't say what the "right thing" is, but if my goal was to get her back, I'd have ravished her.

^

 

[Kalach]

If she's really ENFP, then you, the INTJ, are probably not supposed to be so far-sighted. You're not supposed to make projections about what any future relationship looks like now that you've seen how unreliable she can be. You are, instead, supposed to go back over all manner of past events. You're supposed to rely on past feeling to bolster present feeling. You're supposed to want it back. You're supposed to worry considerably about the future if it cannot be as it was in the past. And you're supposed to show all of that to her in a way that makes it all look like a rock she can trust to always lean on, assuming she is inclined to lean. And then she will tell *you* about the future.