LucrativeSid
New member
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2007
- Messages
- 837
I think I'll do something. I rarely do things. I dodge and I drift. I experience and I think. I relax and I dream.
I hardly ever do anything that's hard or that requires a lot of concentration. I never "work" unless I have to. I expend the bare minimum amount of effort that is required in order for me to be able to keep ruminating freely.
I don't even seek out fun or excitement because it requires too much work most of the time. I only have fun if I don't have to work for it.
Occasionally, I do put forth effort in order to do something fun. Occasionally, I do work hard on something without even realizing it. Occasionally, I do accomplish things or show persistence. Occasionally, I do do something amazing. But it's rare. The circumstances have to be just right.
I wonder what it's like to be one of those people who do things. Some people probably perform more concentrated effort in a day than I perform in two weeks. I can't stand doing mundane things like cleaning dishes, vacuuming, or grocery shopping. That's not that surprising. The weird thing is that I can't even stand mental effort. I love learning, and in many cases, I do think pretty think hard and exert mental effort, but it has to come about naturally. I have to relax and let my thinking be free first. Coming up with ideas is easy. I guess it's like a never-ending state of perception. Doing something with those ideas requires mental effort and focus. I have to zoom in and concentrate instead of zoom out and perceive. I only seem to be able to concentrate and work hard mentally when there's an outside motivation for it that's right in front of me, like other people. Other people snap me into focus. Without them, I'm content to float from one idea to the next. Yet I don't seek out people in order to have motivation directly, because then the motivation would be dependent upon them. I could light a fire under my ass if I wanted to move, but it wouldn't cause me to move where I really wanted to go. If someone else requests my mental prowess, I'll be motivated to give it them and I won't be lazy about it. Whenever I need it, though, I'm a lot less likely to care about the results and a lot more likely to care about the process of discovery.
Some people say they like to challenge themselves. I do too, but in a different way. I like to challenge my creativity and ingenuity, but I don't like to challenge my will-power, strength, or persistence. Sometimes I'm able to do awesome things without expending any effort, and it's almost like if the challenge is not one of those kinds of challenges, then it's just not fulfilling enough to me. The result itself is not worth the effort required. I completely rely on my creative/intuitive gift and if I can't accomplish something using that gift most of the time, then screw it. Any boring old sap can work hard or think hard. I've got the magic!
Sometimes, though, I realize that in order to make my ideas into something real, I'll have to concentrate and apply effort. If it's my own idea, there's simply no one else that's going to bring it into fruition. At that point, I consider it a worthy enough cause. I can enjoy an engaging and novel creative experience and contribute something original and valuable to mankind. If I was going to choose a purpose for my life, that would be the most meaningful one to me. To use my talents and abilities to make the world a better place.
Oddly enough, I have very little interest in making the world a better place by just simply doing good things. I'd rather write a book that makes 10 people think than feed 10 starving children just by putting in the mundane effort to make it happen. (That's what I'd rather do. I'm not saying that if given the choice that I'd let the kids starve.)
I'm the light-bringer. The philosopher. The inventor. The thinker. The innovator. The catalyst. Maybe in some ways, even a leader or an inspiration. I'm not a nurturer. I'm not a duty fulfiller. I don't look down on those people - they do what their heart tells them to do and they're proud to do it, and I'm glad they do it. I'd rather die than be forced to live the rest of my life as an animal rescuer or a nurse.
Or maybe not. How would I even know that? That's beyond the topic of this post, though. I do know my passions and there's no reason to assume that I can't follow them. Maybe I could enjoy something different, too, but I doubt I'd ever enjoy it as much as my true calling.
The point is that I have an overwhelming desire to make my contribution and to leave a legacy. I enjoy creating. I enjoy it when other people enjoy my creations. It's what I need to do in order to be fulfilled. I'm pretty grandiose. I've always had a dream for my life, and I consider it to be a big one. Anything short of that can't be settled for. Everything that I feel about myself tells me that I'm amazing and I can do really important things.
I feel good about myself. I'm proud to be me. I'm awesome. I see that with the path I'm currently on, though, that I'm never going to do any of these amazing things I have conjured up. I'm not going to make any difference at all. I'm not going to know what it's like to have given it my best and to have been fulfilled in that way. I'm lazy and I have no drive. I don't hate myself for this. I only point it out because I want to inspire myself. If I died today, I wouldn't feel like I've failed in life. I wouldn't have any regrets. But I'm NOT dead yet. There's still a lot more glory to be had!
This reminds me of a conversation I had a few months ago with my dad about faith. For the most part, I think that having faith in something would degrade my intellect and self-respect. It's okay for me to believe in something based on whatever evidence I think is good enough, but to have faith in it is to blindly follow it. It's absurd. I have to be able to accept the fact that what I believe may not be true, and faith leaves no room for that doubt.
I realized on that day, though, that I do have faith in something. I have faith in myself and my own consciousness. I do not have faith that I'll always make the right decisions or that I'm perfect in some magical and divine way, I don't even have faith that if I do my best things will work out the way I want them to, I simply have faith that my consciousness is nothing to fear and that everything will be okay in the end. If I died today and found myself in some kind of afterlife, I'd look back at my human life say, "That's right, bitch! That was MY life! I owned the fuck out of it!" I don't think that's likely, though. I'm willing to accept death as the end of my consciousness, in which case, my faith would still be unshaken.
This blog post is going all over the place. I guess I'm in one of those rare moods where I can sit down and expel, rather than absorb, for for an extended period of time. I feel like what I'm doing is worthwhile right now. My thoughts are becoming organized and concentrated. Plus, I expect that other people will see this. I like it when people read my stuff. Unfortunately, the deeper and longer it gets, the less likely they are to finish it or respond to it.
What did I mean to talk about in the beginning? Oh yeah, I want to experiment with doing things. What I mean, more precisely, is that I'll fully engage my mind and follow my creative pursuits. Instead of just feeding the wild dragon that my mind is and letting it do as it pleases, I'm going to try taming it. Maybe this idea won't go anywhere, either, but I don't care. It will at least be fun until I quit. If I'm lucky, I'll have some sort of epiphany and I'll find that I actually enjoy exuding effort.
I hardly ever do anything that's hard or that requires a lot of concentration. I never "work" unless I have to. I expend the bare minimum amount of effort that is required in order for me to be able to keep ruminating freely.
I don't even seek out fun or excitement because it requires too much work most of the time. I only have fun if I don't have to work for it.
Occasionally, I do put forth effort in order to do something fun. Occasionally, I do work hard on something without even realizing it. Occasionally, I do accomplish things or show persistence. Occasionally, I do do something amazing. But it's rare. The circumstances have to be just right.
I wonder what it's like to be one of those people who do things. Some people probably perform more concentrated effort in a day than I perform in two weeks. I can't stand doing mundane things like cleaning dishes, vacuuming, or grocery shopping. That's not that surprising. The weird thing is that I can't even stand mental effort. I love learning, and in many cases, I do think pretty think hard and exert mental effort, but it has to come about naturally. I have to relax and let my thinking be free first. Coming up with ideas is easy. I guess it's like a never-ending state of perception. Doing something with those ideas requires mental effort and focus. I have to zoom in and concentrate instead of zoom out and perceive. I only seem to be able to concentrate and work hard mentally when there's an outside motivation for it that's right in front of me, like other people. Other people snap me into focus. Without them, I'm content to float from one idea to the next. Yet I don't seek out people in order to have motivation directly, because then the motivation would be dependent upon them. I could light a fire under my ass if I wanted to move, but it wouldn't cause me to move where I really wanted to go. If someone else requests my mental prowess, I'll be motivated to give it them and I won't be lazy about it. Whenever I need it, though, I'm a lot less likely to care about the results and a lot more likely to care about the process of discovery.
Some people say they like to challenge themselves. I do too, but in a different way. I like to challenge my creativity and ingenuity, but I don't like to challenge my will-power, strength, or persistence. Sometimes I'm able to do awesome things without expending any effort, and it's almost like if the challenge is not one of those kinds of challenges, then it's just not fulfilling enough to me. The result itself is not worth the effort required. I completely rely on my creative/intuitive gift and if I can't accomplish something using that gift most of the time, then screw it. Any boring old sap can work hard or think hard. I've got the magic!
Sometimes, though, I realize that in order to make my ideas into something real, I'll have to concentrate and apply effort. If it's my own idea, there's simply no one else that's going to bring it into fruition. At that point, I consider it a worthy enough cause. I can enjoy an engaging and novel creative experience and contribute something original and valuable to mankind. If I was going to choose a purpose for my life, that would be the most meaningful one to me. To use my talents and abilities to make the world a better place.
Oddly enough, I have very little interest in making the world a better place by just simply doing good things. I'd rather write a book that makes 10 people think than feed 10 starving children just by putting in the mundane effort to make it happen. (That's what I'd rather do. I'm not saying that if given the choice that I'd let the kids starve.)
I'm the light-bringer. The philosopher. The inventor. The thinker. The innovator. The catalyst. Maybe in some ways, even a leader or an inspiration. I'm not a nurturer. I'm not a duty fulfiller. I don't look down on those people - they do what their heart tells them to do and they're proud to do it, and I'm glad they do it. I'd rather die than be forced to live the rest of my life as an animal rescuer or a nurse.
Or maybe not. How would I even know that? That's beyond the topic of this post, though. I do know my passions and there's no reason to assume that I can't follow them. Maybe I could enjoy something different, too, but I doubt I'd ever enjoy it as much as my true calling.
The point is that I have an overwhelming desire to make my contribution and to leave a legacy. I enjoy creating. I enjoy it when other people enjoy my creations. It's what I need to do in order to be fulfilled. I'm pretty grandiose. I've always had a dream for my life, and I consider it to be a big one. Anything short of that can't be settled for. Everything that I feel about myself tells me that I'm amazing and I can do really important things.
I feel good about myself. I'm proud to be me. I'm awesome. I see that with the path I'm currently on, though, that I'm never going to do any of these amazing things I have conjured up. I'm not going to make any difference at all. I'm not going to know what it's like to have given it my best and to have been fulfilled in that way. I'm lazy and I have no drive. I don't hate myself for this. I only point it out because I want to inspire myself. If I died today, I wouldn't feel like I've failed in life. I wouldn't have any regrets. But I'm NOT dead yet. There's still a lot more glory to be had!
This reminds me of a conversation I had a few months ago with my dad about faith. For the most part, I think that having faith in something would degrade my intellect and self-respect. It's okay for me to believe in something based on whatever evidence I think is good enough, but to have faith in it is to blindly follow it. It's absurd. I have to be able to accept the fact that what I believe may not be true, and faith leaves no room for that doubt.
I realized on that day, though, that I do have faith in something. I have faith in myself and my own consciousness. I do not have faith that I'll always make the right decisions or that I'm perfect in some magical and divine way, I don't even have faith that if I do my best things will work out the way I want them to, I simply have faith that my consciousness is nothing to fear and that everything will be okay in the end. If I died today and found myself in some kind of afterlife, I'd look back at my human life say, "That's right, bitch! That was MY life! I owned the fuck out of it!" I don't think that's likely, though. I'm willing to accept death as the end of my consciousness, in which case, my faith would still be unshaken.
This blog post is going all over the place. I guess I'm in one of those rare moods where I can sit down and expel, rather than absorb, for for an extended period of time. I feel like what I'm doing is worthwhile right now. My thoughts are becoming organized and concentrated. Plus, I expect that other people will see this. I like it when people read my stuff. Unfortunately, the deeper and longer it gets, the less likely they are to finish it or respond to it.
What did I mean to talk about in the beginning? Oh yeah, I want to experiment with doing things. What I mean, more precisely, is that I'll fully engage my mind and follow my creative pursuits. Instead of just feeding the wild dragon that my mind is and letting it do as it pleases, I'm going to try taming it. Maybe this idea won't go anywhere, either, but I don't care. It will at least be fun until I quit. If I'm lucky, I'll have some sort of epiphany and I'll find that I actually enjoy exuding effort.
