[NF] Do you regret opening up to people?

[Malkavia]

Do you ever regret opening up to someone?

Even my close friends when I show them my true feelings. My unfiltered thoughts, I feel really stupid afterwards. The next day I usually think to myself, "that was a really bad idea, now they have "dirt" on me."

Do you feel like this sometimes? What do you think it comes from?

 

[Rebe]

Yes. I have a pattern of opening up and clamming shut even with my most beloved, most loyal friends. I need to be the ideal version of myself and that includes being cool-headed all the time even though I realize it may not be realistic and losing your cool once in a while doesn't mean you're vulnerable/weak. It stems from our natural strong qualities like empathy, compassion, sensitivity that makes us vulnerable and we over-compensate this by pretending nothing disturbs us on a personal, emotional level. By we, I mean me. We associate too deeply all of our emotions and actions to the core of who we are as a person, to our principles and values whereas for others, opening up is just sharing information and bonding. For us, it's something more significant, more corrosive, more disturbing.

 

[Malkavia]

Agreed. I pride myself on helping people, connecting with people, and understanding people.

I've noticed recently, however, that I do not enjoy people connecting with ME or understanding ME. It's almost like I dont want people to know I'm having a problem with something.

 

[rav3n]

If I've opened myself up to anyone and they in some way use this information for nefarious or manipulative purposes, it's a quick way to find out who not to trust. That's why I have many layers of trust. Each layer reveals information of which only the inner most layer is information that can do damage.

 

[niffer]

I feel like there's no point in living if I can't ultimately reveal myself to the world, which in turn will help me to reveal myself to ... myself. I mean being accepted is very important to me - that is something I can't deny. But unless it's something life-threatening, I'm not going to worry about what others will think about/use the information that I tell them about myself. I am willing to justify all of my actions with honesty. Whether people are open to my justifications or not is not something I will ever be able to control, so I choose not to let this factor into any aspect of my decisions and interactions with people.

 

[Amargith]

Yes, I do. As much as I crave being able to do that..It makes me very aware that I still have a lot of imperfections to deal with, and makes me feel guilty that i burdened someone else with this. Oversharing...meh.

 

[niffer]

makes me feel guilty that i burdened someone else with this.

How would it burden someone?

 

[Hornet389]

overshare is defined as a dealbreaker to many. i am easily flattered by it.

 

[Rebe]

Agreed. I pride myself on helping people, connecting with people, and understanding people.

I've noticed recently, however, that I do not enjoy people connecting with ME or understanding ME. It's almost like I dont want people to know I'm having a problem with something.

I always thought it was an "introversion" preference and I guess some of it is. It's as much not wanting people to be able to pinpoint us in our weakest moments/weakest states and us not accepting ourselves when we are less than perfect. I think emotional outbursts are very ugly and messy and god forbid I lose control of myself and lose my cool. It has happened and it has bought me closer to my loved ones because in that state, they were all there for me. And it surprised me. But I still don't feel comfortable doing it. We also idealize the people in front of us so we don't want to risk them not being there for us in the perfect way. It's a combination of different factors that makes it extremely unnatural and disturbing for me.

 

[Unkindloving]

I only regret opening up to people when they have absolutely no input to throw back at me or when it peaks their interest in me and I don't desire it.
Someone having 'dirt' on me isn't nearly as bad of a feeling as laying who I am internally on the line and getting blank "deer in headlights" stares back. Also, sharing being misinterpreted as an open invitation to be all and try to date me. It can kill friendships, because their primary focus and the interaction switches gears.

I would actually bow down to someone who properly utilized what I share with them in a negative way. Anyone who has trampled on my openness has done so unintentionally or just out of circumstance. Part of me would be proud of anyone who could really dig in there and honestly affect me, instead of constantly missing the mark. More of my friendships and relationships have ended because they didn't read into actual dirt and just created their own.
But! I wouldn't view it as a bad idea. It is better to be open and learn of yourself and of the people you know through your openness, than it is to be closed up and unaware.

The next day I usually think to myself, "that was a really bad idea, now they have "dirt" on me."

This is your brain after an ENFJ.

 

[Malkavia]

I only regret opening up to people when they have absolutely no input to throw back at me or when it peaks their interest in me and I don't desire it.
Someone having 'dirt' on me isn't nearly as bad of a feeling as laying who I am internally on the line and getting blank "deer in headlights" stares back. Also, sharing being misinterpreted as an open invitation to be all and try to date me. It can kill friendships, because their primary focus and the interaction switches gears.

I would actually bow down to someone who properly utilized what I share with them in a negative way. Anyone who has trampled on my openness has done so unintentionally or just out of circumstance. Part of me would be proud of anyone who could really dig in there and honestly affect me, instead of constantly missing the mark. More of my friendships and relationships have ended because they didn't read into actual dirt and just created their own.
But! I wouldn't view it as a bad idea. It is better to be open and learn of yourself and of the people you know through your openness, than it is to be closed up and unaware.

This is your brain after an ENFJ.

Is it ironic that I thought about this after talking to my ENFJ best friend?

I think you are completely right and hit you it spot on. I never thought of it that way. I really got annoyed twice these past couple of months because I put stuff out there and my friends literally had nothing to say. My best friend went, "well I really don't know what to say, I dont really understand." It made me regret taking time and emotion to do it at all.

Its very odd to me. When people open up to me, I usually have plenty of things to say even if I have never experience what they have gone through. I give them encouragement and sympathy. I really dont think the person cares whether I've been through what they are going through currently, they just want someone to BE THERE for them.

 

[Amargith]

How would it burden someone?

Because when I share something personal, it's bound to be intense when it comes out. And not everyone enjoys that, knows how to handle that properly or what to say to that. Also, since I tend to ramble to figure myself out...it tends to be drawn out...wasting their time. In the end, it's often just better not to.

I always thought it was an "introversion" preference and I guess some of it is. It's as much not wanting people to be able to pinpoint us in our weakest moments/weakest states and us not accepting ourselves when we are less than perfect. I think emotional outbursts are very ugly and messy and god forbid I lose control of myself and lose my cool. It has happened and it has bought me closer to my loved ones because in that state, they were all there for me. And it surprised me. But I still don't feel comfortable doing it. We also idealize the people in front of us so we don't want to risk them not being there for us in the perfect way. It's a combination of different factors that makes it extremely unnatural and disturbing for me.

I also very much relate to this. And it hurts doubly when you actually put it all on the line, are standing self-conscious and nervously in front of them and they have no idea how to actually handle that kind of honesty and vulnerability.

 

[cascadeco]

I only regret opening up to people when they have absolutely no input to throw back at me or when it peaks their interest in me and I don't desire it.
Someone having 'dirt' on me isn't nearly as bad of a feeling as laying who I am internally on the line and getting blank "deer in headlights" stares back.

Yes, definitely, to the bolded. I think this is really the only time I regret it. I'd then probably feel foolish, because I tend to only open up if I have a good sense/feeling that they will understand or a dialogue/exchange will occur. If that doesn't happen, I decide I misread the situation and then feel dumb. Or weird, or disconnected.

 

[Arclight]

Hmmm.. I think more often in my case, people regret asking me to open up, since they are the ones who recoil in horror when I do.

I don't regret in this instance. I just adjust my approach. Often that means not expressing myself. This is why I can be kind of lonely, I guess, and that is kind of regretful.

 

[JocktheMotie]

I regret it every time I do it.

 

[Eckhart]

I rarely opened up to other people, and even then I never let them to the most inner of my inner. There was never many people I could open up to. One friend I would say I gave some hints sometimes to open up to and I learned quick that he is not very helpful in that regard, so you could say I regret a bit giving him at least the hints already, since he obviously doesn't want to hear about it. Other than that there is not much to regret for me, because there happened few.

I open up sometimes a bit in the internets because there is some higher anonymity. I do so very much sometimes on this forum here. I do actually regret it sometimes because I guess I annoy people here sometimes with it and have such a feel, although no one really said it to me yet. I made a step in putting it mostly in my blog. But well, if you want so this post here is again some kind of opening up, and I might regret it also soon.

 

[Unkindloving]

Is it ironic that I thought about this after talking to my ENFJ best friend?

I think you are completely right and hit you it spot on. I never thought of it that way. I really got annoyed twice these past couple of months because I put stuff out there and my friends literally had nothing to say. My best friend went, "well I really don't know what to say, I dont really understand." It made me regret taking time and emotion to do it at all.

Its very odd to me. When people open up to me, I usually have plenty of things to say even if I have never experience what they have gone through. I give them encouragement and sympathy. I really dont think the person cares whether I've been through what they are going through currently, they just want someone to BE THERE for them.

Just makes tons of sense. I also have a deep respect for people who can know of the ENFJ ability to really soak up the 'dirt', yet still maintain the friendship. To me, it's taking a very brave risk and can say so much about a friendship without much information.

Usually, the good thing about people who have nothing to say is that it will also be much more difficult for them to ever use the things you share against you . Course, I always find myself more irate with misinterpretation, something that STJs in my life have been awesome at .
There's also something to consider. If you are prone to advising, encouraging, and generally being there.. it can intimidate people when it is their 'turn'. It's one of the hardest things I have to face as a person who damage controls themselves and as someone who is up for damage controling others. They can feel that what they have to say is too insignificant or not up to par with what you might say were the tables turned. Also, people want to have something significant and useful to say, and they don't recognize that sometimes anything is better than nothing.

Yes, definitely, to the bolded. I think this is really the only time I regret it. I'd then probably feel foolish, because I tend to only open up if I have a good sense/feeling that they will understand or a dialogue/exchange will occur. If that doesn't happen, I decide I misread the situation and then feel dumb. Or weird, or disconnected.

Definitely. When I get the blank looks, I either clam up or ramble on more to try to explain my point. It's almost frantic if it's the latter and makes me more regretful for coming off as silly and misunderstood. I always try to find something to say to people, to avoid that feeling of a gap/void.

I regret it every time I do it.

It says here that you should open up about why you regret opening up.
Also, maybe you need another huggle. Mwahaha

 

[Chloe]

Do you ever regret opening up to someone?

Even my close friends when I show them my true feelings. My unfiltered thoughts, I feel really stupid afterwards. The next day I usually think to myself, "that was a really bad idea, now they have "dirt" on me."

Do you feel like this sometimes? What do you think it comes from?

haha, yeah i always regret opening up to people....... it's just that i have high expectations of their reaction, i wouldnt share it otherway, right ?
but lately i had something that was the weirdest and most life changing info in my life, i was so shocked i told it to almost everyone i know... like i was just talking talking talking few days, without any shame.... and.... well, i didnt regret it.
not all reacted how i like, but i dunno it's like my expectations are lowered. i know some react as i like it and that's enough for me.
but i will not in future share it so much it was just a moment of shock.

 

[Malkavia]

Just makes tons of sense. I also have a deep respect for people who can know of the ENFJ ability to really soak up the 'dirt', yet still maintain the friendship. To me, it's taking a very brave risk and can say so much about a friendship without much information.

Usually, the good thing about people who have nothing to say is that it will also be much more difficult for them to ever use the things you share against you . Course, I always find myself more irate with misinterpretation, something that STJs in my life have been awesome at .
There's also something to consider. If you are prone to advising, encouraging, and generally being there.. it can intimidate people when it is their 'turn'. It's one of the hardest things I have to face as a person who damage controls themselves and as someone who is up for damage controling others. They can feel that what they have to say is too insignificant or not up to par with what you might say were the tables turned. Also, people want to have something significant and useful to say, and they don't recognize that sometimes anything is better than nothing.

Definitely. When I get the blank looks, I either clam up or ramble on more to try to explain my point. It's almost frantic if it's the latter and makes me more regretful for coming off as silly and misunderstood. I always try to find something to say to people, to avoid that feeling of a gap/void.

It says here that you should open up about why you regret opening up.
Also, maybe you need another huggle. Mwahaha

Could you go a little bit deeper about the ENFJ ability to soak up "dirt"? It's nothing against him, of course, it wasn't his fault and I dont blame him for not having anything to say. That doesn't make it any less annoying or me feel any less embarrassed for doing it in the first place.

I wonder if what you say is true about the "your turn" situation. I do try to advise and listen.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Do you ever regret opening up to someone?

Even my close friends when I show them my true feelings. My unfiltered thoughts, I feel really stupid afterwards. The next day I usually think to myself, "that was a really bad idea, now they have "dirt" on me."

Do you feel like this sometimes? What do you think it comes from?

I used to feel like this. I was in this mental state which pretty much held me as a 'freak' even to my closest friends. I repeated it to myself and after a while I began to believe it as I found evidence to support it. I do still feel strange for letting others know my thoughts, here as well as in the real world (this is a part of it I know, the real world that is), but it seems like you just have to find a way to embrace these ideas and that begins with just stating your unaltered thoughts. Not making them sound elegant, or nice, just say them and then from there you begin to feel a freedom as you may find that you aren't as strange as you thought you were, maybe you are but this doesn't matter in the long run. I believe this is my own personal experience with your particular situation.