[ISFJ] Ask an ISFJ 1.0!

[Warm]

It's time for more ISFJ attention. Give it to us!!!

 

[tinker683]

It's time for more ISFJ attention. Give it to us!!!

WARMIE-CHAN!

Where have you been sweetie?

 

[DJAchtundvierzig]

I was wondering if you could possibly answer this question? http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/sj-guardhouse/36779-how-tell-if-isfj-likes-you.html

 

[Giggly]

^ Uhh. Hmm. They'll be kind of bashful and giggly and say stupid stuff when they talk to you. Maybe overly complimentary, or on the other extreme, they may try to deliberately avoid you if they think they have no chance with you. The usual things, I guess.

 

[Warm]

WARMIE-CHAN!

Where have you been sweetie?

I'm here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[EJCC]

I have a question.

Every time I've made friends with an ISFJ, there's been a roadblock, and we get to this obvious point where I could either be their close friend or just a friend. Inevitably, I fail the ISFJ's internal test of close friendship worthiness, and the ISFJ keeps me at arms length (while still being my friend), but very very obviously choosing their close friends over me.

I mean, I know that ISFJs are very loyal to their closer friends. It wouldn't surprise me if they saw friends in a hierarchy, from close friends to friendly acquaintances, and give only the very closest friends any sort of priority (because sometimes I do the same thing), but I would like to think that they would still give new friends a chance. So, ruling out the possibility that these situations have been inherently my fault (i.e. assuming that I didn't do something bad to convince these ISFJs that I'm not good friend material), I have no idea what's causing this.

So, my question is: What could a person do to become an ISFJ's close friend? Would it be required that a new friend join the ISFJ's pre-existing friend group, before trying to befriend them? In other words, is it always this difficult, or is it just me??

 

[entropie]

Woaah that was complicated, I think my left eye will stick in that complicated position it took on after reading that

Is that normal ? ISFJ inner, outer and half-inner circle of friends ? Does that explain the existance of scientology ?

 

[Riva]

One of my closest friends is a ISFJ. Strangely he tolerates me quite a lot. And there is a ISFJ girl (pretty pretty), that I keep on hitting on. (She's worth hitting on, believe me.) Again she tolerates me quite a lot. Does it have anything to do with their tolerant nature or do they have a special place in their hearts for me.

The girl I mentioned, was mentioned in jest.

 

[Giggly]

I have a question.

Every time I've made friends with an ISFJ, there's been a roadblock, and we get to this obvious point where I could either be their close friend or just a friend. Inevitably, I fail the ISFJ's internal test of close friendship worthiness, and the ISFJ keeps me at arms length (while still being my friend), but very very obviously choosing their close friends over me.

I mean, I know that ISFJs are very loyal to their closer friends. It wouldn't surprise me if they saw friends in a hierarchy, from close friends to friendly acquaintances, and give only the very closest friends any sort of priority (because sometimes I do the same thing), but I would like to think that they would still give new friends a chance. So, ruling out the possibility that these situations have been inherently my fault (i.e. assuming that I didn't do something bad to convince these ISFJs that I'm not good friend material), I have no idea what's causing this.

So, my question is: What could a person do to become an ISFJ's close friend? Would it be required that a new friend join the ISFJ's pre-existing friend group, before trying to befriend them? In other words, is it always this difficult, or is it just me??

Hmm, I don't think it's difficult. Perhaps they think you are disinterested? I have a strong desire to be close with people but I won't push it if the other persons interest is hard to gauge, or if they seem threatening in some way. And yes it's true that ISFJs unconsciously have favorites.

As for what to do, I'd say just spend more time with the ISFJ and be open, genuine and sincere. Have you tried to invite her over or to go some place together with you? Maybe a shared interest or activity you have? Sometimes doing things together and talking while you do them can help to build that bridge that you need in order to open up to each other, so long as you don't use the activity as a means to distract you from having to talk.

One of my closest friends is a ISFJ. Strangely he tolerates me quite a lot. And there is a ISFJ girl (pretty pretty), that I keep on hitting on. (She's worth hitting on, believe me.) Again she tolerates me quite a lot. Does it have anything to do with their tolerant nature or do they have a special place in their hearts for me.

In those cases, I think so.

 

[EJCC]

Hmm, I don't think it's difficult. Perhaps they think you are disinterested? I have a strong desire to be close with people but I won't push it if the other persons interest is hard to gauge, or if they seem threatening in some way. And yes it's true that ISFJs unconsciously have favorites.

As for what to do, I'd say just spend more time with the ISFJ and be open, genuine and sincere. Have you tried to invite her over or to go some place together with you? Maybe a shared interest or activity you have? Sometimes doing things together and talking while you do them can help to build that bridge that you need in order to open up to each other, so long as you don't use the activity as a means to distract you from having to talk.

This is an instance where I wish I had more Fe than I do. Because I really can't figure this girl out right now. Here's the full story:

We met through a mutual friend. We had a class together. We would write snarky notes about the course material during class, and giggle about them. We were in an increasingly large friend group. She was goofy and loved to laugh and I was CONVINCED that she was an extrovert. But as the group got bigger, and as the semester got more stressful, it seems like she abruptly shut half the group out of her life. She would almost never return people's texts unless they were part of this new, smaller friend circle, and she would act comparatively disinterested in everyone else. (Or, at least, to me. Or maybe she was just acting more like an introvert.) When she got the most stressed out, i.e. the week before finals week, she didn't even sit next to me in class (this was the first time she had done that), and she only said a few words to me. And my usual method of communicating with her stopped working, because I expected a certain dynamic from her in return that I didn't get. Suddenly she was this different person who I was completely unprepared to deal with.

Now, in spring semester, she's still with the smaller group, and still not really returning anyone's texts. She's gotten a reputation from everyone in the broader friend group but outside of the smaller group, as being flaky. And nothing's really been the same.

Frankly, I'm confused. Do any of you ISFJs (or people who know a lot about ISFJs) have insight into the situation?

 

[Giggly]

This is an instance where I wish I had more Fe than I do. Because I really can't figure this girl out right now. Here's the full story:

We met through a mutual friend. We had a class together. We would write snarky notes about the course material during class, and giggle about them. We were in an increasingly large friend group. She was goofy and loved to laugh and I was CONVINCED that she was an extrovert. But as the group got bigger, and as the semester got more stressful, it seems like she abruptly shut half the group out of her life. She would almost never return people's texts unless they were part of this new, smaller friend circle, and she would act comparatively disinterested in everyone else. (Or, at least, to me. Or maybe she was just acting more like an introvert.) When she got the most stressed out, i.e. the week before finals week, she didn't even sit next to me in class (this was the first time she had done that), and she only said a few words to me. And my usual method of communicating with her stopped working, because I expected a certain dynamic from her in return that I didn't get. Suddenly she was this different person who I was completely unprepared to deal with.

Now, in spring semester, she's still with the smaller group, and still not really returning anyone's texts. She's gotten a reputation from everyone in the broader friend group but outside of the smaller group, as being flaky. And nothing's really been the same.

Frankly, I'm confused. Do any of you ISFJs (or people who know a lot about ISFJs) have insight into the situation?

It sounds to me like she became overwhelmed with the big group. I, too, feel more comfortable in smaller groups or in one-on-one situations. I feel overwhelmed in larger groups. I also dislike how people spread themselves so thin in larger groups.... something about it seems cheap and insincere. I don't know how to explain it. It's just a feeling and probably one that makes no sense. Perhaps this would be considered an Introvert Vs. Extrovert issue? I don't know.

Maybe you could give it time for the others to cease texting her, and then try again when you think things have completely died down.

Admittedly, I do that sort of thing myself (like what she did) and also hate it when other introverts do it to me. Grrrr. So frustrating. I can't say I really understand why I do it. If I knew how to solve it I would definitely tell you, but the only thing I can come up with is to give it some time and space. And then, because she is low-energy (introverted) you'd probably have to be the one to initiate a reconnection again with her after some time has passed.

I should probably ask, did you guys do school work together as a group?

 

[EJCC]

It sounds to me like she became overwhelmed with the big group. I, too, feel more comfortable in smaller groups or in one-on-one situations. I feel overwhelmed in larger groups. I also dislike how people spread themselves so thin in larger groups.... something about it seems cheap and insincere. I don't know how to explain it. It's just a feeling and probably one that makes no sense. Perhaps this would be considered an Introvert Vs. Extrovert issue? I don't know.

It makes sense. She's definitely better in small groups than large ones. Part of my concern, when we're in our large friend group (i.e. 10 girls) all eating dinner at one table, she'll narrow her conversation down to one to three people at a time and ignore everyone else. Based on my knowledge of Fe, it seemed very contrary to the nature of Fe, because isn't part of Fe making everyone comfortable? And it always makes me feel left out. Because she won't even acknowledge that her mini-group conversation is enough of an in-joke that it alienates everyone else at the table (especially me). But maybe it's just her way of coping with the big group - choosing her better friends at the table?

Maybe you could give it time for the others to cease texting her, and then try again when you think things have completely died down.

It has definitely died down now - it's the start of the semester and no one has that much homework yet. And part of me isn't sure if I should try again because I can't help but think "She's picked her favorite friends. She's made her choice. Trying any more is going to fail miserably - I can't make her laugh like I used to and I don't know how things can be the same." .... But maybe that's not the case. You certainly know better than I do since you're the ISFJ

Admittedly, I do that sort of thing myself (like what she did) and also hate it when other introverts do it to me. Grrrr. So frustrating. I can't say I really understand why I do it. If I knew how to solve it I would definitely tell you, but the only thing I can come up with is to give it some time and space. And then, because she is low-energy (introverted) you'd probably have to be the one to initiate a reconnection again with her after some time has passed.

Maybe I should. I guess I figured, she was the one who broke it off, so she should be the one to decide whether she's comfortable enough now. But if you say so... :/ My only concern is actually similar to yours (regarding group talk) - I don't want my connection-initiation to seem, or feel, terribly contrived.

I should probably ask, did you guys do school work together as a group?

Nope. All our work was just the two of us, in our philosophy class. And the fact that she stopped sitting next to me and communicating much with me right before finals week threw me off a little. The only thing I could come up with was that maybe her Fe, during our conversations/etc in class, was a bit forced, and when she got stressed out, any urge to have a funny chat completely went away. Of course, I could be rationalizing myself into an answer that doesn't put the blame on me

 

[Giggly]

EJCC, I'm sorry, I missed this reply.

It makes sense. She's definitely better in small groups than large ones. Part of my concern, when we're in our large friend group (i.e. 10 girls) all eating dinner at one table, she'll narrow her conversation down to one to three people at a time and ignore everyone else. Based on my knowledge of Fe, it seemed very contrary to the nature of Fe, because isn't part of Fe making everyone comfortable? And it always makes me feel left out. Because she won't even acknowledge that her mini-group conversation is enough of an in-joke that it alienates everyone else at the table (especially me). But maybe it's just her way of coping with the big group - choosing her better friends at the table?

Oh dear. I would hate the idea that I was making someone I knew feel left out and would want to be told if I was doing that, but that's just me. I can't say what your ISFJ would want. If I unwittingly did something like that, it would be because I'm uncomfortable in groups larger than 1-3 people, so I'd say yes.

It has definitely died down now - it's the start of the semester and no one has that much homework yet. And part of me isn't sure if I should try again because I can't help but think "She's picked her favorite friends. She's made her choice. Trying any more is going to fail miserably - I can't make her laugh like I used to and I don't know how things can be the same." .... But maybe that's not the case. You certainly know better than I do since you're the ISFJ

Maybe I should. I guess I figured, she was the one who broke it off, so she should be the one to decide whether she's comfortable enough now. But if you say so... :/ My only concern is actually similar to yours (regarding group talk) - I don't want my connection-initiation to seem, or feel, terribly contrived.

The only thing I can offer you is my own experience.

Upon reflection I've realized that when I have drifted away in the past from people, I've realized that those people were extroverts. I tend to drift when I am feeling deeply troubled, and in retrospect, am really in need of a close friend at the time. But, in my mind, I would be a distraction to that person and a burden. Not to mention that I felt like "one of the bunch" in an impersonal sense, so therefore, they'd likely not care all that much. They had other friends to fall back on.

This turned out to be very false.

Much to my surprise (yes, I was really surprised) there were people who were really hurt by my distancing myself. After coming back, I was forgiven by some, but not by others. And since then I have been treated the same by completely different people (aka karma). It's not a good feeling. Lesson learned.

That said, I do think people need time and space to deal with whatever it is they are dealing with.

Nope. All our work was just the two of us, in our philosophy class. And the fact that she stopped sitting next to me and communicating much with me right before finals week threw me off a little. The only thing I could come up with was that maybe her Fe, during our conversations/etc in class, was a bit forced, and when she got stressed out, any urge to have a funny chat completely went away. Of course, I could be rationalizing myself into an answer that doesn't put the blame on me

I can't help but get the sense that there is something, I don't know what exactly, but something about your interactions/relationship that has suddenly made her uncomfortable. Of course, it could be entirely misjudged on her part too. You really can't know unless you re-establish your relationship with her and talk about it. I also think that you are correct about her getting stressed and withdrawing. I definitely do that as I stated above.

I know it seems entirely daunting the idea of approaching the person about this (been there myself before) but if anything it could be a social learning experience that can help you navigate the situation better if it were to happen again in your life.

I hope this helps some.

 

[ThatGirl]

Dear ISFJ,

How can you function from such an Si dominated perspective?


Confused in Cali

 

[Giggly]

Ironically, Si is the only function that I can't recognize or cognitively understand when I read it's description, so I pretty much refrain from any discussion of it because I wouldn't know what the heck I'm talking about.

ThatGirl, is it possible to rephrase the question, please?

 

[ThatGirl]

I am not sure if this is Si or not, so anyone feel free to correct me. But as I understand, it is the manifestation of history and experience into worse case scenario stances.

Like over compensating to protect against all the things that COULD potentially go wrong, and feeling happy when things just go smoothly and predictably. Playing it 'safe' due to adhered principles which may or may not actually be factors.

 

[Giggly]

I am not sure if this is Si or not, so anyone feel free to correct me. But as I understand, it is the manifestation of history and experience into worse case scenario stances.

Like over compensating to protect against all the things that COULD potentially go wrong, and feeling happy when things just go smoothly and predictably. Playing it 'safe' due to adhered principles which may or may not actually be factors.

Ahahaha yeah I do that sometimes, and it's pretty hard not to worry, but I've seen it in it's extreme in a friend of mine, and good lord, is it annoying, especially when nothing bad has even happened.

To answer your question, heck if I know.

Just tell them to CHILLTHEFUGOUT! (said in a noncondescending voice)

It works.

 

[ThatGirl]

I see.

Thanks!

 

[tinker683]

I am not sure if this is Si or not, so anyone feel free to correct me. But as I understand, it is the manifestation of history and experience into worse case scenario stances.

Like over compensating to protect against all the things that COULD potentially go wrong, and feeling happy when things just go smoothly and predictably. Playing it 'safe' due to adhered principles which may or may not actually be factors.

That sounds like an example of Si run amok!

For me, it means when I encounter something (be it an idea, sound, taste, event, whatever) I compare it to similar items I've run into in the past and I make my judgments based on that.

As such, I STRONGLY favor routines and predicatibility as I can come to rely on knowing exactly what is going to happen next. Examples of this would be

1) I eat pretty much the same things day in and day out. My Dad is astonished with me that I usually eat a peanut butter sandwich for lunch as I have done for the better part of 4 years.
2) I go regularly to restaurants I've been to before and get really anxious when I go someplace I haven't been too before
3) I've used the same hair stylist to cut my hair for the past 5 years and when I had to find my current one, it was REALLY hard for me as I hated giving up my previous hair stylist.
4) I like to get up at about the same time every day and go to bed at about the same time everyday. when I drive to work, I take the EXACT same route over and over again and get really annoyed when road work or something prevents me from going the route I normally go.

When I'm planning something (like an event or a trip) then yeah I like to plan out my road maps, get the locations of shopping areas, grocery stores, restaurants, etc.. because I like to know everything I can in advance. To me, just going to an area and trying to find something without having to try and look it up before hand is grossly stupid and impractical.

In short: I would say "creatures of habit" is an excellent phrase to use for Si-doms

 

[sweettartnacho]

ISFJ starting back in school after a loooooong time. Of course, we all know how important it is that we get supplies we FEEL good about & like the functionality at the same time.

Your fave organizational tools for school - maybe work?
Fave brands, types, etc?