[INFP] Are INFPs Indecisive in Love?

[kccrush]

The deal breaker: is an emotional discussion about where the relationship is headed (or where I'm at). Over time, I believe INFP's become very, very loyal to those they care about and that's where commitment naturally occurs for us. (No discussions necessary.) I personally am turned off by any such discussions about commitment and won't do it; especially, early on. I will flee in my Mustang and never look back! ...just be careful about initiating any emotional discussions like that.

[edit]:
PS, you mentioned she's under stress, so give her some space to work it out. Be nice and check in on how she's doing every now and then; have empathy. She'll bounce back!

**
Don't worry, PerfectGirl, I try to avoid "where are we" discussions unless absolutely necessary

Based on the info you've provided, I'm going to give it some time and then check in with her. You're right that she's under so much stress, and I need to be supportive of her, as I have tried to be. I was just trying to avoid getting my heart trampled since I couldn't read her mixed signals at all. At the end of the day too, to borrow from my favorite best friend ENFJ, "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be." My heart is in the right place, and I think this girl knows that...she's just unsure if we're a good match.

 

[kccrush]

To expect someone to wait around for you indefinitely until you figure something or "become ready for a relationship" can be really selfish. I've been on the receiving end of that from INFPs and it's not cool.

***
Thanks CzeCze. it's funny because when speaking to my other friends, none of whom are INFPs, they tend to agree with your input saying that I've been really patient and not pressured her. But what's interesting to me is to see how much is below the surface of her "openmindedness" as someone put it...I'm completely willing to give her the benefit of the doubt because I really like her...however I also don't want to walk my heart off a cliff, as I tend to do Thanks again for your point of view.

 

[A window to the soul]

Hmm, como?

Which part do you think is wrong and why?

Your words:

"The best thing to do is tell the INFP the ball is in their court but you won't wait forever, or at all, and walk away from it all."​

It's manipulating, pressuring and robs me of any positive emotions. I'm not 'feeling' the luv right now. lolz!

**
...I was just trying to avoid getting my heart trampled since I couldn't read her mixed signals at all.

I understand. Based on what you said, I honestly don't think she's playing with you. A younger INFP maybe, but I think a 30yr old INFP would be straight-up about her feelings and careful not to hurt you.

To expect someone to wait around for you indefinitely until you figure something or "become ready for a relationship" can be really selfish. I've been on the receiving end of that from INFPs and it's not cool.

You are right.

 

[CzeCze]

Your words:

"The best thing to do is tell the INFP the ball is in their court but you won't wait forever, or at all, and walk away from it all."​

It's manipulating, pressuring and robs me of any positive emotions. I'm not 'feeling' the luv right now. lolz!

To expect someone to wait around for you indefinitely until you figure something or "become ready for a relationship" can be really selfish. I've been on the receiving end of that from INFPs and it's not cool.

***
Thanks CzeCze. it's funny because when speaking to my other friends, none of whom are INFPs, they tend to agree with your input saying that I've been really patient and not pressured her. But what's interesting to me is to see how much is below the surface of her "openmindedness" as someone put it...I'm completely willing to give her the benefit of the doubt because I really like her...however I also don't want to walk my heart off a cliff, as I tend to do Thanks again for your point of view.

---

Ha! Ha! See PerfectGirl, the OP agrees with me!!! So THERE!

LOL.

I'm kidding of course.

I don't want to invalidate your feelings PG, and I think it's really helpful for the OP and for anyone else who wants to date an INFP to hear your viewpoint. I believe it when you state how you would perceive someone 'walking away' from you. I'm sure it would feel crappy and even like punishment or maybe spiteful? Or like they are doing something sneaky.

However the intent isn't punishment and there is no ulterior motive. Just the opposite, it's to provide as much clarity and known elements into a very confusing situation. It's to leave everyone with the best outcome possible. To make it as win-win as possible.

Because again, from my experience, I don't think INFPs or really anyone who says "I need time" means to be selfish or grab all the power in the relationship - but people often do a lot of damage in romantic situations without meaning to. In fact, I think it's more common for people to hurt others in romantic situations unintentionally or as an unavoidable side-effect - because rejection just means they don't want to be with you, not that they don't care. And the definition of 'thoughtlessness' is not taking something or someone into consideration.

And frankly, and this may be an unpopular viewpoint, but in general you really, really, do NOT want to be led around in a relationship by the seeming whims or changing emotions of an XNFP. You are just asking, BIG TIME, for trouble. By all means, people should be allowed to feel and express and share what they are feeling with their partners, but NEVER let a relationship be run by the emotional currents of one partner, regardless of that person's type.

KC, I completely understand the desire to be supportive and nurturing to your INFP, however, (and the good thing here is that you are a 'J') some of the best ways you can do that for her, yourself, and the situation/relationship is to implement structure and expectations and keep a clear view of the whole situation.

I think striking a balance, as you seem to want to do, is the best bet. Be respectful, be supportive, but remember, you are the J! YOU ARE THE 'J'!!!

LOL.

Let us know how it turns out!

 

[disregard]

The indecisiveness I exhibit is due to needs of mine not being met.

 

[yvonne]

The indecisiveness I exhibit is due to needs of mine not being met.

yes, or just wanting to take it slow. i've always thought that's the best approach to romance.

i'm sorry to say this, but to me some of the INFP answers really sound a bit selfish... i'm not saying that people should be pressured, or anything, but the ball can't be on the other party's court all the time. that's cowardly.

 

[A window to the soul]

yes, or just wanting to take it slow. i've always thought that's the best approach to romance.

i'm sorry to say this, but to me some of the INFP answers really sound a bit selfish... i'm not saying that people should be pressured, or anything, but the ball can't be on the other party's court all the time. that's cowardly.

^I never think about relationships that way. I don't think anybody here expects "the ball to be in the other party's court all the time". Let things evolve naturally. There's nothing "coward" about it. Come on, I know when to tell someone how I feel; I don't like being prodded or manipulated to do it. That's where it ends.

...I call that wise (not selfish).

 

[Biaxident]

Is it okay for another male to chime in?

^I never think about relationships that way. I don't think anybody here expects "the ball to be in the other party's court all the time". Let things evolve naturally. There's nothing "coward" about it. Come on, I know when to tell someone how I feel; I don't like being prodded or manipulated to do it. That's where it ends.

...I call that wise (not selfish).

If anything, I spent more time trying to make things right, for my S.O. Than taking care of myself, to my own detriment. All the way till the dissolution of my last relationship. That doesn't seem selfish to me.

If I 'Love' you, you get everything I can give. But the more relationships I have been in, the more cynical and cautious I have become. Indecisiveness, isn't the problem, I need more data.

To put it bluntly, I'm tired of getting screwed over. Therefore, if a potential S.O. doesn't have the wherewithal to be honest, and patient, and understand the cautiousness, it isn't going to work.

Patience is required.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Just speaking from personal experience, I think from the OP's perspective walking away is the best way to go. You can't wait around forever for someone to make up their mind, especially when it's causing more confusion and distress for both parties. Sometimes you just have to give people space. And timelines.

To expect someone to wait around for you indefinitely until you figure something or "become ready for a relationship" can be really selfish. I've been on the receiving end of that from INFPs and it's not cool.

I don't think anyone was saying the OP should wait around forever. If they are broken up & not exclusive, she has every right to pursue other people. She has every right to expect something in return also.

The point is, the OP wants to try and patch things up. She can possibly do that by backing off a bit, dropping an occasional email & phone call, and planning casual dates. To me, contact maybe once or twice a week in such a situation would be good.

Hanging out in a group of friends instead of intimate dates may be a good idea also. There are a lot of ways to continue to pursue someone without pressuring or waiting around. If the INFP does not reciprocate at all within a reasonable amount of time, then yes, it's time to walk. IMO, you should not have to state to someone what time frame is reasonable - if that person wants to, they will respond & do their part.

If you start giving ultimatums & timelines off the bat though, I can almost guarantee the INFP will be run off. That sort of thing would not sit well with me; I don't want to date a parent figure. Someone being honest about their feelings and intentions and taking it slow will bring my guard down. It's pretty much the same thing, but one is done with delicacy and without demands.

The OP did it once before - the INFP let her guard down and agreed to an exclusive relationship. I think we've analyzed why the INFP was scared off already, and some of it sounds legitimate while some is over-sensitivity. Right now her sensitive side needs to calm down and then the INFJ can reintroduce structure. It also gives the INFJ a chance to see if the INFP is being honest about the intentions of the break, or if she is just a coward who cannot break up with someone in a direct manner.

Thanks everyone. It seems like a hard line to discern how to pursue an INFP without making them feel pressured? Of course, I will avoid, as someone put it, silly questions like why do you like me (I am certain I never asked her that ...but are there other things to not do (or to do) so as not to make her feel pressured? For example, if I was to reach out again, it would simply just be to say "hey, I'm thinking about you" or would it be more like an update on my life and see how her life is? I'm guessing the latter since the former seems too much?

See above. I think your ideas sound fine. I wouldn't rule out inviting her to do things now & then either. As it's been said, this is an adult INFP, and if she has any amount of maturity, she would have already rejected you if she truly did not want to continue to see you. Her vagueness sounds like cautiousness to me, not trying to wiggle out of breaking up.

 

[yvonne]

^ i agree.

 

[kccrush]

Thanks to everyone for the comments. I can't help but feel as though I messed this up by inquiring about how she was feeling when I couldn't read her mixed signals. I was just looking for guidance, but apparently that's a big no no with INFPs.

At this point, I fear that going back to her is going to appear selfish - because I now feel that I was the one who could have been more chill and relaxed and "go with the flow." Won't she think I'm being selfish?

Of course, I'm also afraid that if I walk away completely I will make her feel like I"m punishing her (someone referenced that earlier), and I don't want that. I fear she already feels that because I suggested it not appropriate to hang out as gf's and meet my family and friends this weekend if she wasn't sure if she wanted to date me. When we talked, she said she understood why I might be hurt in this type of situation, but now that I see how much she hides of her true feelings, I'm not sure that's really the case.

How can I be sure if I contact her again that she won't perceive me as selfish?

 

[yvonne]

perhaps you could tell her about your concerns and feelings? ... and if you both still want to, then take it slow?

i don't think it's a big deal that you asked her about her feelings, but she might not have been ready to tell you. that's all.

 

[CzeCze]

Thanks to everyone for the comments. I can't help but feel as though I messed this up by inquiring about how she was feeling when I couldn't read her mixed signals. I was just looking for guidance, but apparently that's a big no no with INFPs.

OMG, that last sentence makes it sound like "I want you to read my mind or else I'm going to pout even more" LOL.

Which btw, I don't think anyone was actually saying.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking someone how they feel, particularly if you are in a romantic limbo. Making someone feel hounded, constantly texting or emailing them with the same question, etc. is different from simply stating: "This is how I feel, I would really like to know how you feel".

An adult, regardless of their type, should at the least be able to tell you "I'm not sure what I want right now." Or "I'm being cautious right now because I'm the type that moves slow".

I think the INFPs so far have said they like to be cautious and take their time making sure they want to commit to someone, not that they lack the ability to articulate their feelings.

At this point, I fear that going back to her is going to appear selfish - because I now feel that I was the one who could have been more chill and relaxed and "go with the flow." Won't she think I'm being selfish?

Of course, I'm also afraid that if I walk away completely I will make her feel like I"m punishing her (someone referenced that earlier), and I don't want that. I fear she already feels that because I suggested it not appropriate to hang out as gf's and meet my family and friends this weekend if she wasn't sure if she wanted to date me. When we talked, she said she understood why I might be hurt in this type of situation, but now that I see how much she hides of her true feelings, I'm not sure that's really the case.

1) It sounds like you are too wound up in this and in her to the point you can't really "think straight" - meaning you are second guessing the options you make based on how maybe they could possibly affect her because ultimately *you want her to say 'yes' to you* and be your gf. This is like...almost the kiss of death at this stage. It's like spending 15 minutes at the grocery store trying to decide on which cereal your GF is going to like eating (because what if she hates what I buy and it seems like I don't understand her at all, etc. etc. etc.)

2) Take a deep breath!

3) I think here reading between the lines of what the INFPs have been saying will help the most. Give her the chance to reject you. Accept that it is okay and you will be okay if she says no. Really, I think you have way too much anxiety building over a situation you feel you can't control or understand. It will only continue to build unless she either flips a 180 (unlikely to happen) and approaches you with a firm answer OR you just let it go (this you can actually make happen! ).

Your anxiety and fear is causing you to spend way too much time caring what she thinks of you or thinking how you can get her to like you and be your gf again instead of thinking about what is best for the situation overall and for yourself.

4) I'm not sure if you see this, but her indecision is causing you indecision. I meant what I said about 'be the J!' but I'm going to say here, to be the 'J' for yourself and make your decision.

5) I think if there's anything that's been made clear from the thread is that you cannot make any decision for her. And considering how unknowable/ secretive/ cautious/ [fill in the blank] she seems to you, I wouldn't even worry about influencing her decision - yay or nay. Just make your own decision, knowing that you are doing nothing with ill-will or malice. All will fall into place after that and everything will turn out the way it was meant to turn out.

How can I be sure if I contact her again that she won't perceive me as selfish?

See above answers.

 

[kiddykat]

^Totally agreed.

I mean, there isn't much else to do, right? You pretty much did all you could do. You laid all your cards out, and she's that ambivalent after all this time.. I wouldn't blame you for feeling that way.

I also understand that being cornered in the beginning will cause people to want to flee because it starts to feel like a game of control or a cat mouse chase, but I genuinely think if she wants to be with you, then she's got to reciprocate, or at least show some kind of mutuality.

I'd get fed up with someone who just 'takes and takes' but doesn't share for whatever reason. Healthy relationships are about being honest with one another, and having a balance of give/take on both sides.. They don't call it partnership for nuthin.'

 

[ComplexMind]

This INFP you are describing OP sounds EXACTLY like me. One moment I'm cold, the next I'm warm, it just switches on and off. It's all based on the vibe I get when I'm dating someone. I tend to go with the flow in the beginning and match the vibe he's giving me. And if I'm getting the cold shoulder I go into the chaser role to win back his affection. It's like I try to make it work even though I'm unsure of our compatibility.

 

[kccrush]

Hi everyone, just to wrap this up...in the end we just sort of went our own ways. I requested some items back from her, and she told me I looked nice in the shirt she had purchased for me when I went to pick them up. (I wanted her to remember me as pretty just in case ... We had some nice pleasantries, and I gave her a hug good bye. It was all pretty normal but it left me thinking that I could have just been a bit more, I don't know, deep or meaningful in my final good bye...so I emailed her a very short poem afterwards that I had written and told her I was glad we had met. Since she's Japanese and alone in the US, I also offered to be there for her if she ever needed anything. It made me feel good to offer that. She responded with a rather cool, distant email yet at the same time polite saying thanks and that I deserved the best, etc. And that was it!

In the end, I think that we just weren't compatible and I was definitely overthinking everything since I was drowning in her mixed messages. It was like I didn't have any backboard to bounce off against. That was tough. But like everything, we make it through! THanks again.