Afraid of a Relationship

[INTerran]

If an INTJ really likes a person, but has been seriously hurt in the past can the INTJ put aside the feelings and not go beyond a friendship because of fear of repeating the past and not wanting to be hurt again?

 

[Agent Washington]

Yes

 

[Lark]

No.

 

[The Cat]

I don't know if that's type related? But in my experience different folk react to things different. But I would think anyone regardless of type could react this way to a past hurt.

 

[Mesmeric_Moon]

Yes

No.

Maybe.


Seriously though:
Type is not a valid excuse for shitty behavior.
It's one thing if the person in question needs time to sort out what they're feeling and is upfront about it, but quite another to blame their behavior on being a certain type.

 

[Agent Washington]

Maybe.


Seriously though:
Type is not a valid excuse for shitty behavior.
It's one thing if the person in question needs time to sort out what they're feeling and is upfront about it, but quite another to blame their behavior on being a certain type.

At this point I low key feel like responding with stuff from zodiac since the questions are so incredibly vague and general for all human behaviour that there's probably a good enough chance something like that would apply (there's a specific term for this psychological phenomena)

But yeah


I strongly suspect this is one of those case where more deets may be useful (i.e. if they are looking to understand a specific person's behaviour and look for corresponding input or support)

 

[Betty Blue]

If an INTJ really likes a person, but has been seriously hurt in the past can the INTJ put aside the feelings and not go beyond a friendship because of fear of repeating the past and not wanting to be hurt again?

Of course. But agree it's not particularly type related. Anyone can bear the scars of a bad ending. Some types may be better at moving on though. Depends on how deep those scars are.

 

[Madboot]

I agree it is not type related, but if you are looking for one point of evidence for an INTJ getting over emotional pain, I have done so. I don't care to go into details at the moment, but I was heart broken in the distant past. I healed and moved on.

 

[Coriolis]

If an INTJ really likes a person, but has been seriously hurt in the past can the INTJ put aside the feelings and not go beyond a friendship because of fear of repeating the past and not wanting to be hurt again?

As others have already said, any type can do this. I do think INTJs are more likely that other types to do it, and are probably more effective and absolute about it when they do.

 

[prplchknz]

Maybe.


Seriously though:
Type is not a valid excuse for shitty behavior.
It's one thing if the person in question needs time to sort out what they're feeling and is upfront about it, but quite another to blame their behavior on being a certain type.

there are people of every single type that are shitty people. just like there are people of every single type that are decent people, some are even good.

 

[INTerran]

There isn’t any “shitty” behavior going on. I do not feel as if I’m being strung along or anything. When I brought up how I was feeling he did not deny that he felt the same way, but rather that going “down that road” would end in “epic disaster.” When I asked him to clarify, he made a comment about history repeating itself. He was in a relationship that resulted in a child and the woman ended up cheating on him. He was deeply wounded by this according to his sister and I’m the first person he’s had any long term relationship with since that happened. So he is afraid to act on his feelings. I just wondered if this was just a him thing or if it was something more universal among guys who have been hurt in the past.

 

[Mesmeric_Moon]

There isn’t any “shitty” behavior going on. I do not feel as if I’m being strung along or anything. When I brought up how I was feeling he did not deny that he felt the same way, but rather that going “down that road” would end in “epic disaster.” When I asked him to clarify, he made a comment about history repeating itself. He was in a relationship that resulted in a child and the woman ended up cheating on him. He was deeply wounded by this according to his sister and I’m the first person he’s had any long term relationship with since that happened. So he is afraid to act on his feelings. I just wondered if this was just a him thing or if it was something more universal among guys who have been hurt in the past.

If he truly cares for you, he'll make an effort to get over it, sure being an intj might contribute in him having a harder time getting over something like that since intjs don't let that many people in, but if he continues in that mindset I'd attribute his behavior to emotional immaturity more than anything else.

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

Un trauma empêche de se libérer totalement pour avancer émotionnellement dans la confiance. Quelque soit le type.

 

[entropie]

Im Alter wird man härter

 

[Agent Washington]

Im Alter wird man härter

Mit Hilfe vom Viagra

 

[entropie]

Mit Hilfe vom Viagra

Thats sexist against old white men

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

I had an INTJ friend that was petrified - almost phobic after a broken engagement. He wasn’t ready for years. In fact, as a friend I saw him date but there was sooo much underlying anger and transferring his prior feelings towards these new girls....frankly, I felt badly for them. It wasn’t their faults but he was very critical. He needed some years to ‘cool off’.

I would befriend, keep steady but don’t push too much. He may take you up (inferior Se) but not really be dealing with his full normal judging capability. Basically, he was a hot mess that looked in control but no, he wasn’t.

 

[Starry]

il mio padre di INTJ era stato distrutto da un fidanzamento solo due anni prima di incontrare mia madre. Fondamentalmente, mia nonna ... alla madre di mio padre non piaceva la donna * il suo nino * voleva sposarsi e faceva tutto il possibile per portarla via. Che ha funzionato. Ma non senza che mio padre avesse spostato le montagne per assicurarsi che sarebbe rimasta.

E lui era decisamente traumatizzato. Aveva persino pensato di abbandonare la famiglia (che ...). Era solo molto della mente che in profondità ... che tu stia insieme e che funzioni. Tra alti e bassi.

Lo voleva però. Voleva un compagno di vita più di quanto volesse proteggere la sua sensibilità. E così ha fatto.

Fortunatamente per lui la falsa personalità di mia madre ha ingannato la famiglia fino a dopo il matrimonio.

 

[Starry]

INTerran... ^I was so busy completely butchering one of the romance languages that didn’t underscore what I wanted you to take away from that.

To this day my father brings up the trauma he experienced when his fiance finally said “your family can go fuck themselves” and vanished like a highly intelligent person that possessed self-respect and desired some semblance of a normal life...

And those are his actual words minus all the obscenities that really should not be repeated in either English or Italian. He wanted a wife more.

This had nothing to do with my mom...and trust me...she did nothing to ease his insecurities.

This isn’t about you and what you are doing or not doing. I just needed to say that.

 

[Tilt]

Not type-related but here's an anecdote.

My INTJ (954 sx/sp) friend will tell me verbatim conversations of significant females who have hurt him and we will analyze it with a slightly different nuances each time (I have probably heard each story at least 5+ times... some even 10+ times). It's gotten to the point where he tries to define parameters of what he wants out of dating but changes his mind a lot... and he stalls with his decisions because he doesn't want to screw up.

I would say have low expectations. Be a friend or FWB but I would not have high hopes for a healthy relationship until he works through his issues.