.

[heart]

what's acceptable? where are the limits? what is too much? what would other people think? what price will I pay for happiness? can't be happy, can't ever be relaxed, world might fall apart!

F****!

So fed up with it. :steam:

so freaking sick of people who are so afraid to live, so F*** cold, so scared of life, so emotionally unavailable. F***ing world.

 

[heart]

Perfectly happy now!

 

[heart]

Perfectly happy now!

 

[heart]

Doublemint gum!

 

[alcea rosea]

My thoughts:

First post:

Second post.

Third post:

And final thougt:
Glad you feel better now.

 

[Hirsch63]

Even when things are damn near idyllic, I find a sense of apprehension or dissatisfaction.

Then I think: I could just walk away...go where I want and start again.

Wait, this is where I wanted to be. I paid a price, a hefty one...but really looking at it objectively all my desires were pretty much accomodated...it's a kind of very minor miracle.

Still am I missing something? the grass is greener over there and when I get "there" I sill cannot relax, be in the moment, live a fulfilled life? Jeez.

It's not having what you want but wanting what you have, blah, blah, blah.....

The hunger is unbearable and frustrating...the mind spinning madly like an engine without a means of transmission...

I'm gonna go get some doublemint gum....

 

[heart]

It is just that so many of the people in my life have been emotionally distant, compulsively fixated on their own dissatisfactions, not available in the moment, always depressed. I don't know, maybe this is just the way real life is, the best anyone is going to get in this world. Since I cannot see into anyone's real life, I cannot know.

I want to create spaces of private joy with others but no one else wants this, they want to sulk because of external conditions that nothing can be done about. I cannot change those external conditions and the people around me won't be happy enough to be availible until those external conditions change.

I can and always have been able to take time and shut the external world out and create my own escape from disappointments, a time and place to relax and be happy even if for just a time. I have never found anyone who wanted to do this with me (except my ISFP friend, gosh we could get so silly together and she said she had the best time with me too, but I have moved away from her and we just don't have the same rapport over the phone).

They cannot forget their unhappiness with the outside world. I get really weary of it. It drains me.

Life will never be perfect, this world is corrupt. But I feel like the people around me are always waiting for life to be perfect before they will relax or share happy times. I feel like we have to create our own happiness in the spaces between where the external world interrupts us, but they seem to feel that the external world is the place where happiness will come from. That they have to make the external world bend to their will and then someday maybe they will have perfect conditions in order to be happy.

Well, for a long time I was reaching out to others and to the world in a way I had never done in my life, but the truth is, the world isn't interested, at least the people in my world don't seem very interested. So maybe that is an unreasonable expectation of mine. I have been sad over it decades now. I just cannot get clarity on the issue. I don't know how reasonable I am in this.

I find myself slipping into my internal world now more and more often and it frightens me a bit. I get scared that I have never made a meaningful connection with any living human being and never will. I don't know why that thought scares me but it does.

 

[Hirsch63]

There is being hard and being tough. For a long time I took the world hard and I became inflexible and rigid as a response...and expected that this was perfectly apparent to others in my life. I was the people you describe.

You seem tough...you can take the world, adapt...not shatter with every unexpected disappointment...that is a great gift that people who adapt as I long had cannot grasp. Or they can, once their preferences cost them all that they were trying so hard to preserve.

What you write now makes perfect sense to me, it would not have several years ago. Creating your own joyful spaces and "refugium, if you will" seems to me to now to be a perfectly sensible strategy.

I knew someone such as you, wise in the same manner and enduringly patient on my behalf. I could not see or understand this...I know know that she was right, as I believe you are. She is now happy after years of sadness and frustration. You may not be "seen" right now...perhaps you need to be seriously assertive about your desires and vision.

"..and what I thought was best, couldn't please her much less..." GL