Chaotic enmeshed to flexible connected
- Lack of leadership - with an e9 ISFP step-dad and phobic e6 ISFJ mom, no one was wearing the pants in the family. Sometimes my mom's anxiety induced feistiness will make it look like she does, but it's more naggy/complaining than directing anyone.
Sometimes we went the flexible route & did the diplomatic/shared thing with leadership. My sister and I probably wear the pants actually. We have more intense personalities (she's e7 & I'm e4) than the parents. I probably wear the pants in the big areas (my sister is demanding when it comes to her hedonism only). When an INFP wears the pants, then you know it's chaos!
- Change - We had some change/instability due to unstable finances, but it's not like we were one of those families that uproots & moves every few years to a new city.
- Erratic /Democratic Discipline - Discipline was erratic or really just not enforced (we were assigned a chore schedule once at a half-hearted attempt to bring some order- we didn't do them at all - nothing happened), but teaching was not. That's why we were good kids. My parents were more "do as I do" types than "do as I say". There weren't any rules, but good examples of principles in action.
- Enmeshed & Connected Cohesion - The loyalty is very high. Dependency is high too. My family could be insular growing up. My parents would have maybe 1-2 other families they'd be friends with & hardly socialize otherwise. Even though my family was not interacting with others, we weren't necessarily interacting with each other. 3 introverts meant lots of being at home together & not interacting. My ESFP sister brought in the most outsiders & I was the most insistent on establishing some independence.
Both being passive, my parents don't like to ask for help from other people, so there was a lot of interdependency. My mom has a "we have to band together - we are all we have!" mentality. When I moved out in my mid 20s my parents had hurt feelings over it. Any stab at independence I make, they take as some kind of rejection of them.
My mom thinks I am too sensitive over establishing an independent identity from them, but it's probably in reaction to feeling a bit smothered at times. I admit a part of me did want to "escape" growing up.
There's also a lot of emotional reactivity in the family too. I'd say we have healthy amounts of outside relationships & activities though, especially now. My parents are more sociable & active in things outside the home & so am I.