As a young child, I was independent and confident. My parents had largely let me grow up on my own anyway, with very little supervision. They didn't feel I need help so that they neglected me. I was relatively happy and had a core group of friends.
I was told how bright I was from a very early age and how I outshined my very snag older siblings, but none of that came with effort. I just knew and understood so much better than everyone else. So class was boring.
I rarely got in trouble, not because I didn't break rules, but because I knew how far to go without getting caught.
Other children followed me, but I never tried to be a leader.
As I got older and my brother grew more aggressive in his emotional outbursts, I began to withdraw inside myself. I became aware of my parents' neglect, but felt that they had no energy for me after dealing with my older siblings.
I spent a lot of time alone, thinking, playing by myself in imaginary stories I created to entertain myself, usually based upon dreams. I always had a world of my own.
I read a lot, especially things well above my maturity level, but I learned a lot.
As teenage years hit, I really withdrew more, while maintaining my core friendships. Dating was difficult as I over thought things or had too high expectations or just was looking for quick pleasure.
Somewhere around here I decided to suppress emotions in response to my parents' benign neglect and my brothers emotional violence. I really became a dark person and my friends really worried about me, asking me many times if all my talking about death and dying was suicidal? I reassured them it was not, but.....
I do remember walking one night and realizing that felt other people's emotions at times. With my brother's pain and my mom's, I wonder now how much of my internal suffering was mine versus things I picked up from others.
Around 18, I left my dark side and adopted a ESTPish mentality. It was fun being a player for a bit, snatching girls from friends and then ditching them soon after. That really wasn't me and I left that after a half a year or so.
It has taken 30 years to realize that I even need to recover from childhood.....
I do envy those with well adjusted parents that had easier childhoods. But I was always a bit unique and really felt out of place with my friends and their interests, without understanding why. I suspect I would have been an outsider no matter what, as I was born a bit of an old soul.
As I go about deciding how I am going to live the rest of my life and how best to maximize my growth, I do see things I can utilize from my past, as well make better use of my talents and skills.
I was always introspective, but ego loves to hide uncomfortable things. So many blind spots.....