BlueScreen
Fail 2.0
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2008
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I woke up with an answer this morning, because realised I have a similar situation with an INFJ. It has little to do with revenge, or at least in my case. It is about prioritisation. J types tend to work to lists, schedules, etc. I don't. I adapt my time on the fly and find the time. The first instinct when scheduled out, no matter how politely it is explained, is that I come after the 20 million other things she has to do in the next three weeks. I understand some of them might be important, but the fact there is zero seconds for me, when I have seen her once since March, and many for others, instantly shows where things stand. She isn't exactly jumping for joy with interest. It is more of a cold love with little fire in it. When those three weeks end, I am faced with a decision: Do I find time amongst my then busy schedule for her? The first question is why? What potential does it hold? Is it really going anywhere or is it pretty static and just going to stay in some nicely controlled balance? Will I be a love interest or even just a friend, or am I a mere acquaintance who will never find mutual territory or understanding? This takes longer term patterns to get to this point, and you have obviously made more effort to understand the other person than in my case. But a good thing to remember is we don't have set lists or schedules. So there aren't always things we have to do at certain times, and there are also no defined breaks. You can play hard to get, but you never want to drop priority enough that you go off the radar. I adapt and always have the time/resources when I give priority to a person because I care. If I don't give the priority, there is always a more interesting option and I never have the time. I keep in touch, but it is little more than having no reason not to. You can't hate a person for not having time, or wish vengeance upon them, just realise that it means you are very unlikely to be compatible, because you will always feel like the one who is adapting, and it will never feel mutual.
p.s. This is a first instinct, it doesn't reflect the more processed version. The point is he might not get the more processed version of the situation. If he doesn't know he is a P and you are a J and how that all works, it will seem like it is always on your terms. ENFPs don't like others to call the shots for them, they like mutual decisions. We leave it open to find best case for all, not to be lazy and let someone else call it for us. I don't know about INTJs, but maybe there can be an urge in these situations to make a call, because it feels uncomfortable being left open. The call he wants to hear is a description of where you stand and enough information for you both to make a mutual decision. If that is laced with any other emotion such as annoyance with him, he will probably read that too, as well as the words.
This isn't a high maintenance thing, like I always understand that people want to do other things rather than see me all the time, I want to do other things rather than see them, but if it becomes a clear pattern and shows little potential in the future, it becomes a problem. I'm not saying you schedule him out either, just that I've known this dynamic with Ni doms, and how it can cause this reaction in an ENFP who doesn't understand it.
p.s. This is a first instinct, it doesn't reflect the more processed version. The point is he might not get the more processed version of the situation. If he doesn't know he is a P and you are a J and how that all works, it will seem like it is always on your terms. ENFPs don't like others to call the shots for them, they like mutual decisions. We leave it open to find best case for all, not to be lazy and let someone else call it for us. I don't know about INTJs, but maybe there can be an urge in these situations to make a call, because it feels uncomfortable being left open. The call he wants to hear is a description of where you stand and enough information for you both to make a mutual decision. If that is laced with any other emotion such as annoyance with him, he will probably read that too, as well as the words.
This isn't a high maintenance thing, like I always understand that people want to do other things rather than see me all the time, I want to do other things rather than see them, but if it becomes a clear pattern and shows little potential in the future, it becomes a problem. I'm not saying you schedule him out either, just that I've known this dynamic with Ni doms, and how it can cause this reaction in an ENFP who doesn't understand it.