Rebe
New member
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2009
- Messages
- 1,431
- MBTI Type
- INFP
- Enneagram
- 4sop
Interesting. I'm a fairly "active" listener when talking to people, but I think it has a different from an FJ doing the same thing. Still, I definitely agree it's a social skill that can be learned.
I also find the advice thing to be interesting... what kind of interpersonal advice do you give? I think that INFPs often avoid direct advice (unless someone is doing something that really goes against their values) and spend more time trying to tease out the decision the other person has really already made (on some level). Often we end up telling people to listen to their feelings and values. I think that's why we are sometimes described as "harmonizing clarifiers" (even though that phrase makes me roll my eyes).
Of course, it's different if giving advice about something technical and something outside the interpersonal/values realm. So what kind of advice do you end up giving?
The sometimes being unaware of your emotional state is also interesting. For me, my emotional state is like a barometer or sensor that I use to orient myself throughout my day. When it changes, I'm usually aware of it and its additional feedback in a situation. Emotions often represent a whole series of subconscious value judgments; while they may not be correct, they usually aren't meaning-free. When I'm ill, I usually find it throws me off track, because I have to keep ascribing the exhausted/depressed to the right source... it's like my internal compass is out of whack.
In what situations do you find yourself unaware of your emotional state? I do find if I'm around others it can be hard to know exactly how much your emotions are being affected by the emotional state of others.
As far as the last item (more flexible internally, less externally)... I think the only way that's true for me is I'll often resist changing my mind in the moment because I want a chance to mull over new data by myself. Still, even though I'm reasonably laid back externally, I'm far more stubborn and judgmental than I come across.
I could totally be off base on some of items, although I tried to draw mostly from what INFPs and INFJs have said about themselves (or one another). If other INFPs find themselves identifying with a lot of the INFJ items, then I need to update accordingly.
Still, any list that includes external behaviors isn't going to work for everyone, since the types are about mental perspectives and preferences.
SouthernKross said:Yeah some of that INFJ stuff I relate to but I figure its because, like you, I'm a so/sp, which can seem a little like Fe at times. I think the difference is that INFJs genuinely feel a social connection when they are doing the sorts of things you mentioned, where for us (if you are like me) its more... feigned (?), perhaps... as an act of politeness. I totally do it for the sake of the other person because I know I don't react 'as I should' in conversation, which can seem rude.
Plus, I'm very openly opinionated where other INFPs tend to hold back - so there some ways in which I also don't fit the mold.
This may be it as Southern Kross mentioned, the SO difference. Seymour, reading your post, I relate a lot to that. I think when I read 'general traits' about INFPs, I don't relate because it is not specific/detailed enough. And in comparison, it makes us sound less desirable/efficient in the social sense compared to INFJs and it pokes at my SO instinct variant. I have a desire to be motivating, slightly aggressive and good at social interaction.
As an SO, I am a bit of a mother hen. I get to know my group of friends extremely well and I am always looking out for them. I give them a lot of space to experience and learn on their own as that is what I do. I actually hate it when my Fe friends 'command' me to do something as if I don't know better. I am a huge believer in being autonomous and self-responsible and self-knowledgeable. I do see what you are saying now that I am thinking more about this. However, if one of my friends is doing something stupid, I will immediately try to help, even if it's not part of my strong values. Maybe it's just from experience and I foresee that it won't go well and she really does not need this.
When they don't listen, I can get a little nasty, roll my eyes, be snarky about it for a little bit. But compared to my Fe friends, I am more accommodating and sensitive to their emotions unless I have a strong opinion. Then I can be mean/bordering on nasty when I have had enough. Then I get the surprised 'why are you so mean!' Well, I gave you all warnings way before more than once.
So, yes, I agree about this advice giving difference. I just don't like the one-liner descriptions as it is vague and it allowed me too much room to imagine what you meant by it. Hahaha. That's what happened; ignore me. I hate it when INFPs are described as timid, wishy washy, ineffective, vague ...
I think the detachment while interacting with people as the difference between NFP and NFJ is very true. Even when I give off a warm/sweet aura, I am slightly detached. I am sort of observing others as if from the other end of a glass wall, not a thick one but there is this separation. Whatever they say, if it's not interesting for my 'data', I don't bring it to the other side of the glass. It is irrelevant to me, it may be true to them in some way, but it has absolutely nothing to me so I keep it in a different batch than from information and emotions that I 'absorb'. Whereas Fe is totally in the moment with that person, without that glass and not threatened by the closeness of all the information.
Because of my SO, I come across as very sweet, good and I get called Sweetie/Honey all the freaking time even by those who are under 10 years older. It is 50% sweet and 50% patronizing in my view. I do get snobby too. I smile and laugh a lot a lot.