Amargith
Hotel California
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2008
- Messages
- 14,717
- MBTI Type
- ENFP
- Enneagram
- 4dw
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/so
Fwiw, my INTJ used to lie repeatedly to people as he didn't consider it worth the fuss of telling them everything, coz it would hold him back on what he was trying to accomplish. He also did the same to people he did care for and love, but only to protect them as he didn't consider it worth hurting their feelings over, so white lies were part of his repertoire, as was verbal acrobatics.
While I understood that this was part of how he operated as it proved efficient (a tool in his kit, really) and I knew why he did it was often for a good reason, I made it clear to him that I didn't like that as I prefer complete honesty, during the befriending phase. He tried to lie to me three times (white lies, to protect me), I guess out of habit. However, as I knew hem rather well, I noticed. Each time he tried, it resulted in a 2 week time out, with him repeatedly trying to re-establish contact and me hanging up on him till the message sunk in. Note that this was before we got together. After that, he realized that lying to me wasn't really efficient or productive and we came to an understanding. Similarly, there are things that to me are no problem and that he made clear are a big deal to him, so I respect his boundaries there as well.
I think INTJs perhaps use this tactic as they learn quite early on that it can save them a lot of head aches and they only answer to their own values anyways (Fi). And I can see it being efficient. Hell, I do omissions as well (though I can't outright lie), in the outside world, it *does* save you head aches and grief. However, I do answer to my own Fi as well, and unless we can find some common ground, I'm not about to let you grow close to me. Honesty is key for trust, and trust is key to having any kind of emotional relationship, in my books. In that perspective, I wouldn't trust this one one bit, and therefore would not be inclined to accept his offer, unless substantial changes would take place.
While I understood that this was part of how he operated as it proved efficient (a tool in his kit, really) and I knew why he did it was often for a good reason, I made it clear to him that I didn't like that as I prefer complete honesty, during the befriending phase. He tried to lie to me three times (white lies, to protect me), I guess out of habit. However, as I knew hem rather well, I noticed. Each time he tried, it resulted in a 2 week time out, with him repeatedly trying to re-establish contact and me hanging up on him till the message sunk in. Note that this was before we got together. After that, he realized that lying to me wasn't really efficient or productive and we came to an understanding. Similarly, there are things that to me are no problem and that he made clear are a big deal to him, so I respect his boundaries there as well.
I think INTJs perhaps use this tactic as they learn quite early on that it can save them a lot of head aches and they only answer to their own values anyways (Fi). And I can see it being efficient. Hell, I do omissions as well (though I can't outright lie), in the outside world, it *does* save you head aches and grief. However, I do answer to my own Fi as well, and unless we can find some common ground, I'm not about to let you grow close to me. Honesty is key for trust, and trust is key to having any kind of emotional relationship, in my books. In that perspective, I wouldn't trust this one one bit, and therefore would not be inclined to accept his offer, unless substantial changes would take place.