I agree with Jim. I found this thread very distasteful, especially the suggestions of trying to manipulate said-"INTJ". For one thing, if you try to do so you will lose, not only humiliatingly, but also with no grounds for any sort of relationship later on. From what you're saying, he is much MUCH more experienced at manipulating you (and had success with doing so), and is also more likely to take the time to reflect on inconsistencies and deduce that he's being played. The chances of success are not high, and if/when he finds out, you are guaranteed payback in one form or another.
I would recommend not to involve yourself with such an individual romantically. The "damaged psyche" thing may be something that he's using to sell himself to others. If it is not and is affecting his behavior and attitudes, it is a sign that he needs help professionally. Not from you. Much less from you if you intend to gain his trust or form a relationship based on manipulation. Also, how else would you expect anyone to react to being called "cowardly"? Tell me honestly. If you're not even seriously dating, or in a stable relationship, there's obviously not that level of intimacy or trust involved that you could tell someone something like this. Even if you were in a stable relationship with him, why would you do so, and upon seeing his distress, spread it on some forum message board?
As an INTJ with trust issues who also lies by omission to avoid intimacy (I am very honest about that), I would not trust anyone who didn't respect my boundaries and decisions. Much less if such a person tried to judge me and impose his/her standards of morality, especially when such information was gained through hearsay (as is obvious in this case). In fact, I'd say that I'd go to the other extreme and avoid all forms of truth with such a person.
this is worth addressing.
if you followed the course of the thread, you would hopefully have seen a realization emerge that manipulation and/or retribution of any kind were
not on the menu. it may be subtle, but it's there. there was playful banter, yes. and, hopefully, this is a forum in which that (playful banter) is safe. regardless, the intent is and never really was to ultimately manipulate him. referring back to the OP, i care about this person.
i agree that attempting to manipulate him will fail miserably. i don't have the level of sophistication in that required. neither do i have the will or interest, really.
i think you may be onto something w/r/t the "damaged psyche" thing. i, for one, fell for it. and he didn't exactly have to point that out to me. the light has been extinguished in his eyes and i saw that the moment i first met him. and so, like a moth to the flame, i was drawn to him to try to reignite it. you are correct that i think he needs professional help and/or the steady, accepting support of someone who isn't afraid to be a shoulder to lean on over the course of his journey. at least, that's what i think i can offer him. i suggested professional help to him before, and i know it's something he is considering.
about the cowardly. not sure if you've done the Nohari/Johari window thing but it's worth checking out. the Nohari window template is
here. anyway, you'll see a list of descriptors. adjectives that people you know can anonymously (or not) associate with you. i have been pretty scared of doing mine. i'm self-critical enough and was afraid of spiraling down into the unforgiving abyss if i did ask those close to me to contribute. i chatted with the INTJ in question and we agreed to do one. safely, and with each other. interestingly enough, he was more cautious than i was about doing the exercise. so we both did it. and then we discussed, analyzed, deconstructed the other person's selections. as noted in my post, he was fine with my descriptors with the exception of "cowardly" or "weak". parenthetically, he chose "needy" and "rash" for me, and how attractive was THAT from someone with whom i had entertained the hope of having a relationship one day!
the point is that the cowardly thing came up as the result of a (very healthy) conversation and exercise in armchair psychology. it was actually fun ribbing each other and being so bluntly honest. and we have set aside some in-person time to discuss why i would think of him as weak or cowardly, and the ways in which my neediness and rashness have affected him. we are both pretty excited about this.
and were i in a stable relationship with him, you'd better believe i'd
still come to this board for input, guidance, perspective. it is one of the many resources i turn to as a person who wishes to be a better, more informed person. i think there's an element in your post that signals a call to preserving his dignity, however, and that point is well-taken.
i actually think we have crossed an intimacy/honesty barrier as the result of this thread, and the many private messages i received from people who had similar experiences (or much much worse) with the themes presented herein. all of you, thank you for that
the net result is that i had a lengthy conversation with him yesterday, and tactfully/lovingly/honestly shared my concerns. yes, the ones described in this thread. most of them, anyway. and...he presented his usual wall, slowly let it down and for a moment, showed me his vulnerability*. you see, i'm pretty fucking vulnerable by default with this guy. and it simply will not work if there is such an imbalance in vulnerability. so i showed him it was safe to be vulnerable with me, at least bit by bit (i'm still learning how to do this). we shall see. but i think a lot of the game-playing and power struggle is falling away, or beginning to.
but i like the spirit of your reply, and shall contemplate it further. thanks.
*this is not a euphemism.