So, you know when you feel betrayed by someone? When you've let them in on your sx side, connected with them, and you thought it was safe, and then they backstabbed you or hurt you in some way? Then after that you close off all contact with them and never speak to them again; never think of them again.
I typically do not do that -- or, what I mean, is that I can't permanently shut someone out if I sense they've repented / changed and are no longer the person they were. I can do it only as long as they are the person who betrayed/backstabbed me.
Sometimes i hate that part of myself and I feel jealous of those who can just maintain the wall. There are people I really was hurt by, who I wanted to hate, but I just can't do it; later, after they had changed and were no longer the person who had hurt me... I couldn't keep the blockage in place.
Well, what if you needed (keyword NEEDED) to get on good terms with them again? But you didn't feel safe about it. What would you do?
Needed? I can't even imagine what that sort of situation would involve.
First I would look for ANY alternative. And I mean ANY alternative. I don't like having to pretend, if I don't trust someone or dislike them immensely. Nowadays I'm far more apt to either ignore them, or else basically tell them what I think of them to their face -- mainly to get them to go away and not get in my space anymore.
I guess if I really needed them for something and had no other good options, I would allow a casual relationship -- just enough for my purposes -- to develop, but it would be no more at all than I needed. And it would be cordial at best, but I would not place anything of value to me into that relationship; they get superficial and non-vulnerable details and that would be it.
You may snap out of it eventually. You may just need time away from her to grow as a young adult, and when you feel more self-actualized, you may find it easier to connect with her again.
This is kind of what my experience was with my parental figures...and I'm a few years older than you. I had to take that initial space, but it was very healing and important to eventually got back and reconnect as an adult with a different perspective.
I'm not saying that's easy. But hopefully you'll be able to create a certain connection with her eventually that also has the kind of boundaries you need so that you don't get hurt too much.
My parents really screwed me up in my childhood. Neither were dependable. My mom had the better intentions but she still wasn't "safe" per se... nor could I depend on her to understand or do anything that was really important; she was also very sensitive and clingy in her own way. My dad was far more selfish and was not safe at all.
It took me YEARS after I became an adult, with my own children, before I could deal with my mom. In the meanwhile, I basically kept things cordial but refused to get to too close to her. It was far too easy to get enmeshed. The more that I found my own independence and she actually learned to build her own life and not hinge so much on the attention and relationship with her children, I could allow myself to get closer to her. But it takes time. It does happen with normal people -- asserting one's dependence, and then being able to be close to one's parents -- but takes awhile. There is always a time of breaking away where someone becoming an adult needs space to become independent, and if the parents do not allow that to happen, then the child has to break away, put up boundaries, and get a sense of their own safety and independence before going back.