at 30, what's happened for me has really been to (and maybe for the first time in my life) learn some semblance of focus. it's helped me reorganize my emotions and recognize more clearly what is happening within me. only this practice of self-observation has allowed me to find any balance when it comes to negotiating social norms and expectations and how i in turn internalize them, how the voice in my head speaks to me on behalf of the cultural world and social networks i have embodied, which i then use to interpret my experiences and emotions and self/life. learning how to check this interpretive process and not needing to close your observation with finality changes everything.
in this process, i've noticed a few things. first, if i'm not in a state where i'm finding something to appreciate in my everyday life, my judgment becomes impaired and swings too far to the negative. i then feel a greater state of neediness, which takes away from my ability to energize, out of positivity and a sincere desire to improve and give more to myself and others, plans for further growth. i'm basically in deficit spending mode, trying to balance which debt can grow in order to fund a venture that will make me feel better, that will make me stop feeling shitty. really connected to this is drawing myself back into my body and allowing myself to fully experience something in the moment. and to fully experience myself, my body, as the instrument of experience for me. tasting food, hearing music, mutual massage with a partner, going for a walk, they just make it easier to start from a more balanced place.
second, i've also had to let go of my need for closure. closure is something i felt i needed in part because i did not trust myself to manage my own anxiety. so much of our big picture choices are about managing risk and truly knowing ourselves enough to recognize what we value enough to bridge those insecure, uncertain moments. what we have faith in, which requires us to truly feel it down to our core. but the relationship between these two divergent aspects of judgment is challenging, and sometimes i've just been working on scales way too big for me to manage. maybe i will regret it in the future, but for now, realistically, it seems like i'm capable of working with a year or two at a time. i can't really commit to something bigger than that, because i'm simply not there yet, i haven't mastered scales of time that big. i just stress myself out and lose my focus. even more so, i'm just trying to get to a point where i can master a week at a time, and do so in a way that is not simply throwing myself into a situation that is entirely other-driven to keep me on task. as someone working part-time jobs and for the first time, finding a satisfactory, stable/livable income doing so, i'm feeling more and more content. as a result, i think i'm focusing on scales of growth that are more realistic, because they are less needy. if i try to focus on making a change, it's for better reasons than before.
i know i don't have it all figured out, but i feel steady progress. i'm more open to making a couple of contingency plans without fearing that opening up that can of worms is threatening or likely to lower my energy levels. i won't get stuck in rumination like i did when i finished my grad program a year ago. i'll limit myself to a path or a couple of potential paths that i want to consider, and then i'll make a choice. i don't need to see myself as 100% in control of my story. instead, i'll pay more attention to what is and has been happening than before, and that will help me know where i'm at better so that when i need to take the next leap of faith, i'll be able to hear and feel myself without being overwhelmed by the actuarial charts projected upon me by the world i live in.