This is very good. Regardless of the outcome, it provides an anchor for peace of mind to know that you left no stone unturned and genuinely tried everything. Most people second guess themselves after making a change because there is always good and bad in it. Doing everything you can imagine to do first to fix the situation either fixes the situation, or provides peace of mind knowing that there wasn't anything else you could have done.I told her six months ago. I started therapy around the same time. And been working on myself diligently while trying to repair this disaster of a marriage.
I just need to try a little longer, I suspect. She is getting healthier. We were both badly messed up, which is why we found each other because we have similar issues.
Most of the time it's not a matter of logic, doing the right thing do not have to be logical..
Believe me if I can change my unhappy situation I won't hesitate..
Yes, largely we are creatures of habit, but when things go wrong, we are in the difficult situation of changing our habits.
It is a difficult situation because it takes 21 days of conscious effort to form a new habit. So for 21 days we must work consciously to form a new habit. It is far easier to slip back into the old habits, which are unconscious and require no effort.
I think the difficulty of changing a habit should be recognised and practical social support should be provided to those trying to form a new habit.
I think the process of forming a new habit should be discussed and talked about publicly. The process is largely mechanical and the more we know about it, the more we will be able to use it productively to form new habits.
I completely agree with the first paragraph but not with the rest. Most of these people are beyond a stage that is a downspiral and never heals. The problem isn't the state, it is the tendency of state change. With negative tendency the broken leg becomes just more and more broken with time.I think from the outside, people will see these unhappy people's situations as simple, but from their inside perspective, there are so many hurdles, it is overwhelming. It's not a stubborn refusal to change so much as a hopeless resignation. The worst thing you can do is offer a series of suggestions. In such situations, most people offer trite advice that is just patronizing to the unhappy person; likely, they have already thought of such things. What they need is someone to build them up & comfort them, so they have the confidence in themselves to find their own solutions.
I'd compare such a mental state to someone with a broken leg who wants to run a marathon. You could tell them they need to get up & start running if they ever want to be in shape, but that completely ignores the fact that their leg is broken and it's just plain going to take time & nurture to heal before they are strong enough to run again. It comes off as rather dense & insensitive to throw suggestions at them in the meantime. They probably know what they need to do anyway, so it's better to simply be supportive while they heal and encourage them when they do start to take some steps forward.
I definitely see how it can be draining to be there for someone emotionally and never see them make effort to improve though. At some point, if they feel like an emotional leech, then maybe it's time to cut them off. It could be a wake-up call...maybe.
In my experience people who present like this either have the insight but think they're out of options altogether and just stick to what they know or dont have insight and attribute their unhappy situations to things besides themselves.
I know a couple of people for sure who imagine "its not them" but not simply that "its not them", which you know, maybe its not, but that its "everyone else", I mean literally EVERYONE else.
How do you do that? I mean like you can have the misfortune to have one or two people around you who're lacking or upsetting or stressed out themselves and stress out everyone else too but you cant believe that EVERYONE is a cause of unhappiness to you.
Balancing according to a lot of aspects usually doesn't work. If you balance against everything then you get nowhere. You need raw power to implement a huge change that has more advantages than disadvantages. It is possible to calculate with the negative side effects even if they are huge.Sounds about right. Just make sure you don't generalise your experience to the rest of humanity and keep an open mind about the people you meet to avoid making that mistake. It's a really easy trap to fall into and part of our self-preservation system (you see the same in other animals, dogs scared of fireworks who generalise it to include car backfires, for instance, and spend the rest of the year just as terrified as on the 4th of july and New Years). Otherwise you're in for a really angry, isolated and lonely life which would be a shame.
For that matter, those other people can also help you see your family in a different perspective and might give you a way to actually deal with them in a way that won't completely hurt/enrage you which you might want to take advantage of in a few years - or not, that's your call.
This thread might as well just be like @ me. I know what I need to do and I'm not willing to do any of it because I'm too stuck in my ways. I am best left ignored. There isn't any logic or reasoning, because it's illogical to begin with. And I think most people know this, and acknowledge this. It's about willpower. And it's really hard to generate willpower when you feel hopeless and alone. I've done it before, and dear god I don't know if I'm prepared to do it again. And again. And again. Fighting is too hard. It is easier to just learn to live with it. That isn't always the best option. I don't have the answers, I don't have a solution. Just a little insight.
You have at most some tiny uninteresting goals for which you are unwilling to do anything.I know what I need to do and I'm not willing to do any of it because I'm too stuck in my ways.
Changing back and forth between lying yourself and pissing on yourself is a bad idea. You have self destructive thought patterns. People join the strong ones. You have to love yourself and some others will also join. Loving or not loving yourself is mostly the consequence of other things, you have to fix those and then you will respect yourself. You have to be strong alone too.I am best left ignored. There isn't any logic or reasoning, because it's illogical to begin with. And I think most people know this, and acknowledge this.
Willpower and hopelessness/loneliness are quite well separated. To generate willpower you have to *clearly* define things that motivate and demotivate you. Imagine what things you would regret on your deathbed. What kind of life you want to live. What kind of life do you want to avoid. It may sound stupid but it is really as simple as that and don't limit yourself. If you want to buy a helicopter and want to go to work with that you can do it.It's about willpower. And it's really hard to generate willpower when you feel hopeless and alone.
Sounds like a self lie that makes it easier to choose doing nothing. What have you used that willpower for? Willpower without any clear goals? I think these can only coexist.I've done it before, and dear god I don't know if I'm prepared to do it again. And again. And again.
Develop the strength to do bold things instead of the strength to suffer. Most people are conformists and do the latter. To fight you need something to fight for. Define interesting (large enough) goals without shadowing your thinking with limitations (like resources as time and money). Fighting for worthy goals is rather easy.Fighting is too hard. It is easier to just learn to live with it. That isn't always the best option. I don't have the answers, I don't have a solution. Just a little insight.
You have at most some tiny uninteresting goals for which you are unwilling to do anything.
Changing back and forth between lying yourself and pissing on yourself is a bad idea. You have self destructive thought patterns. People join the strong ones. You have to love yourself and some others will also join. Loving or not loving yourself is mostly the consequence of other things, you have to fix those and then you will respect yourself. You have to be strong alone too.
Willpower and hopelessness/loneliness are quite well separated. To generate willpower you have to *clearly* define things that motivate and demotivate you. Imagine what things you would regret on your deathbed. What kind of life you want to live. What kind of life do you want to avoid. It may sound stupid but it is really as simple as that and don't limit yourself. If you want to buy a helicopter and want to go to work with that you can do it.
Sounds like a self lie that makes it easier to choose doing nothing. What have you used that willpower for? Willpower without any clear goals? I think these can only coexist.
Your goals have to be broken down to concrete enough actionable elements. If you end up with some abstract bullshit like "I decided to make my life better" then it is useless.
Develop the strength to do bold things instead of the strength to suffer. Most people are conformists and do the latter. To fight you need something to fight for. Define interesting (large enough) goals without shadowing your thinking with limitations (like resources as time and money). Fighting for worthy goals is rather easy.
Demotivators and motivators should be used as a push and pull forces respectively to navigate towards your goals. You can find endless number of "demotivators" to focus on but you should concentrate on those that push towards your goals and help you to break from the current undesired state. You have to ignore/accept the rest and maybe temporarily deal with. Focusing on demotivators you can not deal with is simple self destruction.This is good practical advice. What should be done if one of my "demotivators" is something that can't be helped (out of my control)? What should I focus on there?
Your goal was basically satisfying others. Having a not so good goal can be better than nothing in some cases but you have to do things for yourself whenever possible and you should be in a mindset that clearly defines why are you doing it for yourself. This is necessary to be able to enjoy the journey. Concluding later that something had some benefits is often only a low consolation prize for yourself. If you spend time and effort to do something for yourself you can enjoy the journey even during hard times and you will be much more satisfied with yourself and the result even if you fail reaching the goal. I've had very good grades till class 10, then I didn't care because I've realized that it's useless to invest so much energy in it to reach my goals. There will be no passion in what you do if you are satisfying others and executing instructions.When I used willpower (short version): I was going to be held back in 8th grade because I had bad grades. Not because I was dumb, just lazy. They said I had to get my grades up fast. So I got them up to Cs within a week. Ever since then, all throughout high school and college, I have been a straight A student who accepts nothing less than perfection from themselves in their work. No one helped me, it was something I had to do by myself. But when I finally reached the top no one congratulated me either. It made me feel like the journey wasn't worth it in a sense, even though the reward still has its merits. Since then I have not had any clear goals yet.
A goal can be anywhere between abstract and very concrete. I think the more abstract goal you have, the larger it has to be in order to be actionable in the present. A huge goal (that may manifest itself as a set of well defined principles) is good because it decides a lot of your small decisions in the present automatically without having to think about it and you make the rest of the decisions with guidance. Without (huge) goals your present decisions don't matter, they have no weight and don't really lead anywhere.Agreed about the abstract bullshit. What if it began as an abstraction but ended with a concrete example, like "I want my life to be happier by doing x, y, and z"? If I could think of those. I can try to come up with a goal to fight for, but nothing immediately comes to mind. If it's something I have to think really hard to figure out does that mean it can't be a worthy goal?
Copy pasted from my thread:
One of my friends posts stuff like this on facebook.
As I get older, I like people less and less. Cant wait to get home and be away from people. My babies will cheer me up. What would I do without them.
She works in retail and makes minimum wage. She refuses to change her life around to make herself happier. Her "babies" that she is referring to are cats. She's Catholic- The kind that hates everyone else and their actions. She's a vegetarian and imposes her vegetarian beliefs on everyone around her. (Hates barbecues because it has meat, etc.)
She was my best friend in highschool. Our upbringings were similar. She has a clinical depression, doesn't want to up her meds or do anything about it. When I say, "go get an application for somewhere else" she says, "The grass is not greener on the other side." I feel like we're speaking two different languages. I can't stand this trait in people.