cafe
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[Split thread to accommodate change in direction: MBTI and Partner Compatibility]
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So I think my idea now is that love is not about all this passion and love-at-first-sight crap. Could it be that true love is someone that you can run home and share your life with because you know that they will listen and care? It doesn't have to be about them being perfect, it has to be about them wanting to form that kind of sharing symbiotic relationship.
SO, after more pondering...
Last night we had an event called the "Last Lecture" series. We had a history professor in his late 60s come and give us a lecture under the pretend assumption that it would be his last one ever. Part of his lecture included everything you do means nothing unless you have someone to share it with. For example, when we were little and made good grades on our report card we would run home to our parents so that we could show them.
So I think my idea now is that love is not about all this passion and love-at-first-sight crap. Could it be that true love is someone that you can run home and share your life with because you know that they will listen and care? It doesn't have to be about them being perfect, it has to be about them wanting to form that kind of sharing symbiotic relationship.
It seems rather obvious now that I put it in words, but I guess some things really don't make it through my head without me figuring it out on my own. Like when our parents say "you can do anything you set your mind to". It never occurred to me that it was true until I did it and figured it out for myself.
Could it be that true love is someone that you can run home and share your life with because you know that they will listen and care? It doesn't have to be about them being perfect, it has to be about them wanting to form that kind of sharing symbiotic relationship.
I think that NFs (or just INFJs? or just me?) have a tendency to overthink things like this. So careful and intent to making everything perfect that we overlook the obvious.
It has always seemed significant to me that my best friend and I never planned on becoming best friends. We met in college and were first just neighbors in the dorm. Then we studied and hung out together. Then we shared the same friends. Then we decided to become roommates. As roommates, we kept doing more and more things together--growing closer and closer--until it dawned on us one day that we were "best friends forever." Neither of us had carefully evaluated the possibilities or chosen the other based on some kind of cosmic attraction. Neither of us would have dreamed of ditching the other just because another interesting girl happened along. I didn't love her because she was the most perfect best friend I could imagine; I loved her because of the relationship we had--because she really was my best friend. If marriage had nothing to do with sex, we would have happily married.
I'm not sure why marriage is not treated smilarly--perhaps because it's taken in one big swallow: "till death do us part." Or maybe because we give it titles like True Love. What if we gave friendships titles like True Best Friend? What if we spend years interviewing people for the position of True Best Friend? What if we watched movies and read books and heard fairytales and told ourselves stories about people finding their One Best Friend? Then we'd probably be more likely to treat best friends as a treasure hunt--rather than a long-term relationship with substantial risk, work, and rewards on both sides.
The quote above reminded me of that. The goal of a perfectly-perfect spouse seems as irrelevant as a perfectly-perfect best friend. What does perfection have to do with it? It's about the relationship: the sharing and coming home and commitment and all that.
I'm rambling now.
I think that NFs (or just INFJs? or just me?) have a tendency to overthink things like this. So careful and intent to making everything perfect that we overlook the obvious.
It has always seemed significant to me that my best friend and I never planned on becoming best friends. We met in college and were first just neighbors in the dorm. Then we studied and hung out together. Then we shared the same friends. Then we decided to become roommates. As roommates, we kept doing more and more things together--growing closer and closer--until it dawned on us one day that we were "best friends forever." Neither of us had carefully evaluated the possibilities or chosen the other based on some kind of cosmic attraction. Neither of us would have dreamed of ditching the other just because another interesting girl happened along. I didn't love her because she was the most perfect best friend I could imagine; I loved her because of the relationship we had--because she really was my best friend. If marriage had nothing to do with sex, we would have happily married.
I'm not sure why marriage is not treated smilarly--perhaps because it's taken in one big swallow: "till death do us part." Or maybe because we give it titles like True Love. What if we gave friendships titles like True Best Friend? What if we spend years interviewing people for the position of True Best Friend? What if we watched movies and read books and heard fairytales and told ourselves stories about people finding their One Best Friend? Then we'd probably be more likely to treat best friends as a treasure hunt--rather than a long-term relationship with substantial risk, work, and rewards on both sides.
The quote above reminded me of that. The goal of a perfectly-perfect spouse seems as irrelevant as a perfectly-perfect best friend. What does perfection have to do with it? It's about the relationship: the sharing and coming home and commitment and all that.
I'm rambling now.
I think that NFs (or just INFJs? or just me?) have a tendency to overthink things like this. So careful and intent to making everything perfect that we overlook the obvious.
...
I'm not sure why marriage is not treated smilarly--perhaps because it's taken in one big swallow: "till death do us part." Or maybe because we give it titles like True Love. What if we gave friendships titles like True Best Friend? What if we spend years interviewing people for the position of True Best Friend?
...
The quote above reminded me of that. The goal of a perfectly-perfect spouse seems as irrelevant as a perfectly-perfect best friend. What does perfection have to do with it? It's about the relationship: the sharing and coming home and commitment and all that.