I don't leave. Once I love you, I don't let go until you cut me off. I will be there whenever you need me. I will defend you. I will fight for you. I never want my friends to go to bed wondering if I love them.
The happiest time in my life started in May 2015 and lasted that whole summer. It was my heyday. To some extent, I'm still in that happy place. Not quite as much, but traces remain.
I was going to mention the time a few years when I was suicidal and depressed, but I really wasn't sad. I was just numb. The
saddest time in my life was the winter of 2014-2015. I felt hopelessly lonely all the time, disillusioned with everything and everyone I'd known, and like I was in a dark labyrinth just walking in circles.
I don't know how to answer that question. My first reaction was yes, but then--am I really?
Yes. To me, it wasn't what I'm doing, but who I'm with. And I am surrounded by people I love, and people who love me. I am not judged for who I am. I have a job, which provides a good balance of fun, responsibility, and challenge. It's summer. I have no responsibilities. I'm mentally stable. I belong on this planet.
Yes, it was deep healing for me when I found my place. Like most teenagers, I spent my adolescence searching for myself and somewhere to belong. I was a very quiet, shy, and anxious girl who didn't feel like she had any potential. I found friends who helped me see a brand new side of me--silly, talkative, witty. I hadn't seen myself that way for years. It was like I came to life.
Aren't we all still looking? Whether it's big or small, everybody is searching for something.
In a way. As I said earlier, it's not really where I am. Because I'm happy with myself, my sense of belonging is portable.
I used to emotionally manipulate my sister into staying home from church events because I couldn't deal with the threat of her "stealing" my buddies. If she came, I would act chilly towards her, and then come home and say she ruined everything. I dumped all my feelings on my friends and overreacted to any threat of rejection or discord. I don't do that anymore, and I haven't for over a year, but I'm still deeply ashamed.
The other day, I set myself an alarm early in the morning so I could text my friend to make sure she'd gotten on the plane okay, because I know flying upsets her.
But actually, the first thing that came to mind was when a friend was telling me she couldn't be with me anymore. I'd been a horrible friend and she was justifiably cutting me off. At that moment, I realized how selfish I had been. I told her, "Whatever makes you happy. I want you to be happy." It broke me, I felt ashamed of myself, and I couldn't bear to let go...but I did, because I knew that's what she needed. And I'm telling you, when I told her that I just wanted her to be happy, I knew I'd never meant that so much more before in my life.