I read over the OP and realised that it made thigns look worse than they actually, although i know now that i was still coming from an erroneous perspective. i don't send her out on marches by herself or anything like that. i've never tried to get her to exercise by herself. My behaviour is very much like what cafe said. I'm just full of attitude and frustration and it came out in the OP. I overplayed my forcefulness.
Hmm... When I was uncomfortable with my weight... The last place I wanted to go was the gym. I was so self conscious around all the buff skinny people there... I felt like they were all laughing at me, even though they weren't even looking my way.
she's very much like that. i think that is part of the reason why she has given up on going to the gym, another part is that she's just gotten out of the routine and it's too hard to go back. The class that we used to take was very strenuous and that's not her thing.
Your intentions are good and I know it's really hard to watch someone you love self-destruct, but she really is the only one who can help herself and she might choose not to do that. It's too bad and it's horrible that her husband treats her that way (how depressing and demoralizing would that be?), but we all have to make our own choices. All others can do is try to be supportive, which is what you've tried to do. Just love her, enjoy her, try to keep yourself from getting too stressed out by all this. It truly isn't your responsibility.
it is a big adjustment to accept that last bit, that it isn't my responsibilty. But i don't think i'm shedding it anytime soon. As i've had time to let all this settle, i've found that my resolve is still standing, i can't get away from the 'do nothing = she'll get worse. do something = she'll get better' mentality. Apathy looks like this big, black psychotic monster that'll kill her slowly and painfully. Granted though, i'm being more ginger with her feelings. Sometimes when she wouldn't come walking with me, i'd get frustrated with her and get pushy.
Basically, you're in a kind of co-dependent situation and it's not good for you.
it's why i'm so frustrated, i'm invested in her health.
You may have to deal with it similarly to how a healthy family member of an alcoholic needs to deal with their situation. Al-Anon suggests a kind of
detachment.
nice, link. it pretty much described me. i'm still having trouble letting go. no one else in the family looks like they will either but I'm the major catalyst in this, so if i do, they will to. if there was only one person who needed to be addressed about this, it'd be me. I'm considering it and am slowly being changed.
Also, assess if she is beating herself up over it, even when she is trying. This is probably one of the biggest issues in attempting to lose weight. People think that being negative toward themselves is a great motivator, but it backfires more often than not. This causes people to give up quickly because they kill all of their self confidence and drive for betterment. It even affects the people who do make progress, as a lot of them can't feel satisfied with what they've accomplished.
i don't know what's going on within. that's part of the reason why i started teh thread, i hoped someone would be able to debug the overweight person and the ISFJ for me.
i think she tends to live in the past rather than beat herself up.
-drastic lifestyle changes tend to fail. Small steps will be less stressful and therefore more successful (e.g. make 1 healthy meal a week instead of eating out 7 days)
That's happening but the ENTJ is a negative influence. He's also supportive of her attempt at weight loss, he blew thousands of dollars on a home gym that she doesn't use.
-I bet she'd like a community pilates/yoga/dance/whatever class, then she can get the social aspect she wants and it'll be encouragement to show up every week. especially if a family member will join with her (and come ON, I know perfectly well you aren't all in perfect health, there's no need to treat her like a charity project - do it for yourself too)
yes that's a good idea.
the group thing is both attractive and a repulsive thing to her. i don't think she's the type to go track running but prefers group things and softer things. but she is also self conscious. and besides, that is what the thing with the gym was about. i was fine just running and not having to pay gym fees but i knew if i didn't join with her she wouldn't go. it was a big step for her to start going to the gym.
-if she's seeing that physical activity isn't a part of her family's lives, she's going to be discouraged and depressed that "nobody else has to". Once you're involved in active, fun things, invite her along. even for a nature walk or something. your posts imply to me that you're all treating it like a chore instead of an opportunity for family bonding and entertainment
we're already on that route. we have fit members in the family and they've influenced the overall openess to fitness and health in everyone else. We're always making group fitness things like bike rides and walks. Sometimes she'll ask me to go on a long walk with her.
It seems i gave the wrong impression. i've never even considered making her go out by herself on "chore" exercises.
I think a key thing with her weight is stress and unhappiness. her workplace stresses her out greatly, often it brings her to tears. i think food is one area that brings her temporary happiness when she can't get it anywhere else. i feel like i need to give something good for her to hold to in one hand, before i take the destructive eating away from the other hand. Yoga may be really productive, it's meant to have a good mental affect isn't it? Even if yoga doesn't make her loose much weight, it'll strenghten her muscles and she needs muscle strength
now. she back problems and if she falls down a few stairs i'm sure she'd be hospitalised.
Also, as you guys picked up, ENTJ adds to the stress. It's also her lifestyle.