I am Android:
I think if I were her, I'd ramp up the bad eating habits and maybe add some smoking and drinking in excess in hopes of escaping my horrid, meddling, self-righteous family that much sooner.
I think it's futile to attempt to change another person's behavior, especially when they haven't explicitly enlisted your help. She's an adult and the choices she makes are her own. It's okay to tell her how you feel and ask if there is anything you can do to help. It's okay to refuse to buy her snack cakes and invite her to go for a walk/work out with you with you.well, you're a similar type and like her, clearly very sensitive, so how would you approach this? How can i make her feel better? how she feels is a big part of why i want her to get healthy.
You and i might be incurabley at odds already anyway, if you think leaving her to her own devices is the better thing to do. it may be the more sensitive thing but hey, you can be there to watch her die because of her lifestyle. are you against interfering with drug usage as well?
You don't like the way I'm going about it or is it the whole thing?
The person I have in mind is an ISFJ who's been overweight for almost 20 years, increasingly so with age. She's in her mid 50s and, like a lot of overweight people, works at a stressful desk job and has no other hobbie but watch TV and have snacks. She's a real hobbit, loves her comforts and pleasures and hates new and strenuous things. And like all SJs she's very routine and comfort zone based. She does not like to change things, she doesn't like to re-evaluate anything. She also hates exercise. It's gotten to the point where we (her family) are open and directive about wanting her to exercise for her health. No one's enough of a pig to use the F word to her face except her ENTJ husband (who's in denial about being a similar situation). All this does is depress her.
She hates her size so she does want to loose weight. She made a big step a while ago by joining a gym, but by now, of course, she's given it up. We used to make her go walking in the evening but that has stopped now also because everyone is so busy. she REFUSES to do anything by herself. She is also sick a lot of the time, or just says she is. I've tried a lot of direct and indirect moves and they've worked but only for a while. I've confronted her head on, told her that she doesn't have much choice in this anymore because no one in her family wants to let her get sick, and she complies and tells me her plans but she never follows through. I can't be there with her, holding her hand and stroking her hair while she does a few bar bell reps. But apparently it's nessessary. She is very hard to motivate. She is so unbelievabley passive agressive and fickle. I've noticed that if someone else has a snack, she will inevitabley do so as well. I'm a bit puzzeled by her diet. I don't see what she eats most of the time but this is what i know. She's drinks a lot of coffe and coke, skips breakfast, eats empty crappy snack food for meals such as seafood extender, crackers with peanut butter on them, etc. At times, it seems she eats like a near anneorexic but then where is all this weight comming from?
I always push her to go back to the gym, to go for a walk, to stop buying junk food (her pantry is gradually improving), to stop getting up at night and snacking, to eat properly at meal times, etc. I'm spend a lot of time on my fitness and I deliberatley eat well, which i noticed has influenced my families attitude towards health, but it's not enough.
People who smoke will suddenly stop after a shocking doctors evaluation, even though people have been pushing them to stop for years. How do i get this kind of thing happen to someone who's overweight. What does it take to flip the switch for an overweight person and ISFJ? Has any one had any sucess with people like her?
she kind of has a bit. she asked me to go the gym with her, and i did, every time adn made her come with me when i went until she decided to stop. she asks me and others about health choices occasionally. She occasionally comes up with plans for exercise or a lifestyle change (she's been on and off jenny kraig for decades) but she lacks follow through.I think it's futile to attempt to change another person's behavior, especially when they haven't explicitly enlisted your help.
i wasn't thinking that it was type related.She's an adult and the choices she makes are her own. It's okay to tell her how you feel and ask if there is anything you can do to help. It's okay to refuse to buy her snack cakes and invite her to go for a walk/work out with you with you.
Beyond that, no matter how much you want to, there isn't anything you can do. She is legally competent and responsible for herself. It is her decision and yes, it would also be her decision if she were using drugs because she is an adult. Even if you were a professional, you wouldn't have any business taking her on as a client because your relationship is too close for you to be objective.
If we are incurably at odds, it has nothing to do with type because I get along with my INTP husband very well -- precisely because respecting the autonomy of others is one of my cardinal rules. It's about respect and not setting yourself up as some kind of superior authority who has the right (moral obligation?) to control them for their own good.
i do all that! Although sometimes i get frustrated and tell her 'don't buy that'. That'd make her feel guiltly and embarrassed. I've been shopping with her, she loads up bad stuff. It's not so much for her as it is for her ENTJ husband, he's a sweet tooth and she really wants to do right by him because he yells when he talks, he imposes his needs on others and he trows trantrums which makes her crumble. He's the main consumer of these things, but it's easier to take food when it's right under your nose, so he drags her down too. He's only just started ot have a weight problem recently as he's moved from a labour intensive job to one where he sits down for hours on end. Now it's all catching up with him.How I would handle it? I would try to avoid making her feel guilt or shame -- I've only ever known those two nasty feelings to make things like this worse. I would try to make sure she knows that I love her no matter how much she weighs. If she has made some kind of progress (assuming she chooses to make healthier choices) I would praise her for it -- tell her she looks good when she looks good, whether she's lost weight or not. I would ask her if she'd like to be my walking/gym, etc partner and enjoy the companionship as you exercise. I'd make a healthy meal or snack and invite her to share it with me and not give her a hard time if she didn't like it.
Seriously, nobody likes to be a Project. An INTP of all people should realize how odious such behavior is to the victim.
Maybe she is happy?
I work with a guy who is diabetic and about 100lbs overweight (45kg)
Every day I watch him eat 5-10 slices bacon and drink 2-4 beers after work (work in a pub)
I brought it up to him once.
He says .. "I am going to die anyway(he is 54), so I might as well die doing the things I love doing"
So I have never said anything since. It's his life
Maybe your family member has a similar attitude?
I'm pretty sure that the ENTJ coming down on her like that also kinda sends her overeating into overdrive, due to stress-eating. Not sure you'll be able to help her without also addressing their relationship.
yah, i agree with this.I think if I were her, I'd ramp up the bad eating habits and maybe add some smoking and drinking in excess in hopes of escaping my horrid, meddling, self-righteous family that much sooner.