This thing about attention... I had an interesting experience last night. I went over to a friend's house and we played the game Guesstures. If you've never played it before, which I hadn't, it's like charades with a timer. People have to guess four words you act out within thirty(?) seconds. Anyway, I realized that in situations like this, same with rock band, I am not even remotely self-conscious. The couple of times I've acted it's been the same way. Everyone just kind of disappears and I do my thing. And I guess I'm good at it because people guessed 8 out of the 8 charades I acted.
However, half an hour later, one of the people at the party asked what I do and I know I turned bright red and all I wanted to do was run to the bathroom and hide. I'm cool with having attention on me when pretending, I've realized, but when it gets personal, I cannot deal. For example, playing my own songs I've written in front of others: It truly does make me feel ill. I want to, I want to share, but...
I think it's because I consider the personal to be precious and I don't just like tossing it around. It seems like it cheapens what matters to me in some way. Also, if people knew how sensitive and vulnerable I really am, would that be weird? Would that make them run away? Most people are turned off by depth of feeling. I don't know. I don't want to share it with just anyone.