Interesting, interesting. I have to ponder on all your replies a bit more...
JivinJeffJones asked for an example. Okay. This will be hard. I hope the person this is about is not on this forum. (if so, I hope she understands somehow...)
I'll try to explain the situation that sparked my wish to 'solve' this bit of my personality. It's actually a pretty good example of the sort of situations I find difficult to handle as it's made up from dozens of tiny situations that on their own don't seem to matter enough to fuzz about, but added up together are quite a big deal for me.
One of my best friends (I've known her for half my life, she thinks she's INFJ but I believe she's INTJ) has always been somewhat 'dominant-light'. Half a year ago she has given birth to her first child & she has turned into a 'nothing-but-a-mother' type of person. Good for her although I have to get used to the new her, especially because me and my husband have chosen to never have children and feel a bit awkward around small children. She knows this. Nevertheless she thinks I should have a child as well and just oozes 'you-will-change-your-mind-someday' kind of vibes.
Okay, I'm used to that, many people openly doubt my (very well thought through) decision, whatever, their problem.
So far so good. Then she came to visit our new house a few months ago with her boyfriend and baby. (She lives 150 miles away, so we hardly see each other, maybe twice a year) That's when she completely claimed the house. (and my house is my private castle, many INFJ's can probably relate). During the tour around our new home she was constantly talking to her baby 'giving him stuff'. I have a little cosy bench in my very private workroom and she just exclaimed "Oh look [name baby], you can sleep here!"
Okay... This happened a few times more during the tour. All the while the baby was drooling on my wooden floor, which she didn't notice or didn't care for.
Okay... Once she was sitting in the living room with a cup of tea I secretly hopped around the house with a cleaning cloth to remove his spit. Then she
asked me told me to take the baby on my lap. I've never even touched a baby so I told her that maybe this was not such a good idea as I have to take things very slow with babies. She insisted nevertheless, stating that if I was going to be his semi-official godmother that I ought to take him *now*.
Okay... [I did retract myself as godmother a few weeks later, due to it being incompatible with my childless life, should have never said yes in the first place, but was flattered that she asked]. Then we had to talk about her baby for many, many hours. Then it started crying and she ordered her boyfriend to go upstairs with him to calm him down. Huh, you tell your boyfriend to go upstairs, *my* upstairs, without even consulting me? While you know how I feel about letting people in in my private space?
Okay, I just escorted boyfriend and baby to a place upstairs I could live with. These kind of things went on and on until they left and left me exhausted, having felt like a visitor in my own home.
All the underlined okays are moments that I think I maybe should have or could have been more assertive. My parents and husband agree that she crossed some boundaries during her visit, so apparently my feelings are valid
It's just the type of person she is. She very well knows how I feel about things (about babies, about letting people into my home), nevertheless she seems to just ignore it and do her own way. I realize she is very much in love with her baby right now, but does that mean that she can just ignore other people's obvious feelings?
A few days ago I received an e-mail in which she invites herself (including baby and boyfriend) to come round. I haven't replied yet and will reply that we will visit her home this time instead of the other way around, buying me some time to mentally prepare for her next visit. I'm also scared that she will never be an individual again, but the mother of a little family, travelling in a pack of three everywhere they go. I like her boyfriend and her baby to a decent extent, but I really don't need to see them everytime I see her. I can't possibly let a friendship be ruined by something innocent like a little baby, so I think this is the moment to bite the bullet and start being more assertive, but I don't know where to begin.
So. Where to begin?
[and yes, I did change my user name, I didn't expect to tell so much about myself on this forum and have to protect myself]