I have made many significant changes to myself over the past few years. I think I have talked about all of this a lot already, and at the risk of repeating myself ad nauseum... here we go again.
What were the changes?
Learning to become whom I am meant to be. Learning to let my little starlight shine. I am still working on this because the desire to hide away behind my castle walls is still quite strong. But each small step forward is a victory laden with marshmallow rain drops raining down from clouds above me.
It is an element of allowing all of my layers to line up and become more transparent, so that others can see who I am deep down. There are still layers to excavate, but that is another goal.
There was a big element of needing accept myself through and through that I have always struggled with my entire life.
Do you believe these changes to be superficial or deep?
To the height of the Pacific; to the depths of Everest.
Why did you change?
Because I realized that I was unhappy with myself and I was doing nothing about it. I had a catalyst in my life when my mom got sick and for one brief pocket of time I had a purpose defined in me and that relit the light inside of me in a way that it had never really been lit before. It awakened me to the fact that I was living life asleep and in all honesty simply waiting for it all to be over with. Now I am awake, wide eyed, star filled.
When my mom died I decided that I had a choice before me. I could either let the world continue to crush me and let the evil of what happened win, or I could choose to make this sad moment into something beautiful.
I win.
How did you do it?
I stopped escaping myself through external means. I had to look unflinchingly at myself and identify my problem areas and then come up with game plans for how to correct these problems. This is something that doesn't come naturally to me, but is getting easier as time goes on. It's actually quite refreshing to look at yourself objectively and a bit detached. There is a level of acceptance from that that I wouldn't have thought possible.
I have a tendency to want to do All The Things Myself, and I discovered how much easier things were when I asked for help from people who could give it. Instead of my support system consisting of: myself, I now have a lovely network to lean on as needed. And that thought along keeps me from needing to as often as I might.
How difficult was this process?
Very. The most difficult and rewarding process of my entire life. It is really tough for me as a Fi-dom to question whether my compass is giving me true north or not. It's scary to do so. I definitely have my days when I fall back into old patterns. The key is just to keep pushing yourself forward, to pick yourself back up again, to dust off those knees, and set your sights again on the third star from the left.
What were the benefits?
I am happier than I have ever been, despite the pain I had to go through to get here. I am not quite to the end of my journey, and perhaps I will never be... but I can sense that I am dancing along the right path this time. I am ok with myself within myself and that is what I need the most. To be ok in silence and solitude is a joy.
What did you lose?
Years of my life spent in the slavery of bad patterns and beliefs.
On the whole did you believe these changes were for better or worse?
Clearly for the better. I wouldn't go back for anything.