Does anyone else here have the experience of having entire pieces of your life basically blocked from your memory? I have this, and sometimes when I'm in a certain mood a few memories will bubble up and I'll be able to consciously recall them. This has been happening a lot lately. Anyone know why memories get blocked, and why they come back? Or has had similar experiences? Does trauma (small t trauma or big T trauma) have anything to do with it?
There are some memories of my childhood I have blocked out due to trauma. Prior to this time, there were memories that were inaccessible that came to light and were subsequently worked through. "Bubbling up" or "perculating" (perhaps) is a good way to describe the process.
I believe that memories get blocked because the psyche can't handle the the emotional effects of the trauma - i.e. the pain, hurt, anger, sadness. Memories are blocked to some extent to protect you. That's why we have defense mechanisms - we need to have ways to stay intact and function in a world that can be extremely scary and frightening at times.
Why they come back? I think that the memories come back to some extent so we can work through them. That's the spiritual take on the experience - but also they come back (unfortunately) because that's the way the brain is wired once trauma has occurred. It's part of the PTSD phenomenon. As much as I have experienced pain at the reemergence of painful memories and experiences, in the end it seemed like a "gift" (I know that sounds perverse!). By working through the trauma, I'm able to grow and become more resilient. I'm able to relate to others differently because I'm not reacting to others in a way to is really based in trauma from the past. I also feel the overall pain of my childhood less intensely as each piece is slowly resolved.
BTW: Based of what I've been told, it's not a good idea to force memories to emerge. Sometimes this results in false memories. Trust that your memories will come as you are ready to handle them. They've come to me in images, dreams and memories. I have found that it helps to write the details down. Other times I prefer to cry or distract myself by thinking of something else. I think it's good to honor how you feel at the moment. Don't force yourself to remember if you don't want to (it will come back when you're ready), don't try to analyze and figure it all out (at least not till you have experienced all the emotions attached to the event and felt the pain) - a therapist is essential, IMO, if it's really intense.
As I get older I find that more memories emerge as others our resolved. Again, I think it's the way our psyche handles trauma. Only a little bit at a time can be remembered, felt, examined and resolved in a way that makes us feel whole. As we get stronger, we can deal with more aspects or episodes of the trauma.
I'm not sure about the Big T, little T distinctions. I suppose rape, incest, violent acts, gruesome war experiences, witness to murder might be considered big T(?) I can't say how that exactly works. I would imagine it's much the same in terms of processing. For example, a person might not recall all the details of being raped because it was so bad - but bits of a time be able to resolve the trauma. In either case, big or series of smalls, it often takes decades to work through this stuff.
A book you might consider reading is:
Memory and Abuse: Remembering and Healing the Effects of Trauma by Charles Whitfield.
I haven't read the book cover to cover - but it has some useful information. A bit technical with a lot of psychological jargon. Not really a self help book - it's more of a book you could use to educate yourself about the nature of trauma -how it works, its effects, etc.
Good luck!