Taking things personally

[FemMecha]

How do I make it stop?

I'm actually pretty good about not taking things personally in most scenarios. If trust has been established, then there is little that can be said or done to hurt me. Also, if the person's opinion is not relevant, if they aren't on my radar to build trust, then it also doesn't matter.

Okay, when it can matter? When there is someone I want to trust, someone I admire, but don't have a sense of their reciprocation. In that case my old instincts of assuming rejection peek their ugly little heads. This could be in part temperament, but it is moreso the result of environment. I experienced types of rejection that replay themselves in my mind. I also struggle with figuring out how to connect to the people I would like to connect to. I typically remain open to multiple possible explanations, but will emotionally prepare for the worst one. I want to reign this in, so that it is no longer a distraction. Have any of you successfully reigned in these particular negative thoughts? If so, what was your strategy?

 

[Oberon]

Relationships require risk. It comes with the territory. It can't be eliminated, only managed... and it sounds like you're not doing a bad job at that.

 

[Totenkindly]

Relationships require risk. It comes with the territory. It can't be eliminated, only managed... and it sounds like you're not doing a bad job at that.

I take everything Oberon says personally... but I've learned to just ignore him.

... real answer coming later...

 

[substitute]

How do I make it stop?

I'm actually pretty good about not taking things personally in most scenarios. If trust has been established, then there is little that can be said or done to hurt me. Also, if the person's opinion is not relevant, if they aren't on my radar to build trust, then it also doesn't matter.

Okay, when it can matter? When there is someone I want to trust, someone I admire, but don't have a sense of their reciprocation. In that case my old instincts of assuming rejection peek their ugly little heads. This could be in part temperament, but it is moreso the result of environment. I experienced types of rejection that replay themselves in my mind. .... I want to reign this in, so that it is no longer a distraction. Have any of you successfully reigned in these particular negative thoughts? If so, what was your strategy?

Okay, this much is exactly like me.

This part though:

I also struggle with figuring out how to connect to the people I would like to connect to. I typically remain open to multiple possible explanations, but will emotionally prepare for the worst one.

is nothing like me. I don't try to figure out how to connect with people. I either connect with them or I don't. Most people, I don't - though many connect to me and I don't reciprocate (even if I want to). But some people, I either hit it off with straight away or else, after a false start or two, hit it off eventually when something occurs to make it clear that whatever bad blood we thought was between us, was a simple misunderstanding.

IOW, I find that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and it'll happen whatever the case (connection that is), though sometimes not right now. It's not something you can engineer. I've had people connect to me and try to engineer my connection in return but it's futile. They either do or they don't; I either do or I don't. But just because it's a 'nope' right now, doesn't mean it won't be a 'ohhh actually... I see!" later.

Just be yourself. Like I say, if it's meant to be, it will - by just continuing to be yourself - if you're confident you're a worthwhile person despite your faults (since everyone has faults), then if you're what they're after, they'll see it sooner or later even if they misapprehend you at first.

It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it doesn't work at first, but what helps with me is just that, the nil desperandum motto - don't worry, it might get better

 

[white]

I also struggle with figuring out how to connect to the people I would like to connect to. I typically remain open to multiple possible explanations, but will emotionally prepare for the worst one. I want to reign this in, so that it is no longer a distraction. Have any of you successfully reigned in these particular negative thoughts? If so, what was your strategy?

Been there. Still there . not easy. In a nutshell, to hold still a little, and be still vs jumping.

To let things come to you, and some time to pass, so more information can be gathered, by your senses/intuition, so you're not reacting, but rather acting. Things do become clearer in time, whether your intuition was right, or not.

Edit: And you learn more about people over time, that lets you gauge how best to connect with them. Or if you want to connect with them or not.

 

[substitute]

Been there. Still there . not easy. In a nutshell, to hold still a little, and be still vs jumping.

To let things come to you, and some time to pass, so more information can be gathered, by your senses/intuition, so you're not reacting, but rather acting. Things do become clearer in time, whether your intuition was right, or not.

Damn you, summed up what I was trying to say in a few lines, way better! No fair!! LOL

 

[Night]

Okay, when it can matter? When there is someone I want to trust, someone I admire, but don't have a sense of their reciprocation. In that case my old instincts of assuming rejection peek their ugly little heads. This could be in part temperament, but it is moreso the result of environment. I experienced types of rejection that replay themselves in my mind. I also struggle with figuring out how to connect to the people I would like to connect to. I typically remain open to multiple possible explanations, but will emotionally prepare for the worst one. I want to reign this in, so that it is no longer a distraction. Have any of you successfully reigned in these particular negative thoughts? If so, what was your strategy?

It sounds like you are weighing historical obstacles as proportionate indicators of future success. From a logical standpoint, this seems a viable routine. Yet, a multiplicity of nuances (and variety in conceptual fluency) makes this a difficult connection to emotionally make. From environmental factors to genetic heritage, the way people emotionally construct their vision is exceedingly intimate.

As you are uniquely equipped, Toonia, to appreciate the complexities of emotions (beyond most, I would imagine), it seems likely that your level of sophistication is probably unmatched in those you wish to become closer to. This needn't be a hurdle. Instead, I would work to use your creativity to fuse gaps in perceptual acuity.

 

[white]

Damn you, summed up what I was trying to say in a few lines, way better! No fair!! LOL

Brevity is the soul of lingerie wit.

 

[Kiddo]

Alcohol.

To be serious, I can't. I take everything personally, even when I know fully well that it has nothing to do with me. It's always my fault. I guess that doesn't make me a very well adjusted INFJ but if I had control over it then I would stop.

That isn't to say I don't have some partially effective strategies. When I have negative feelings or hunches, I typically demand evidence from myself to support them and that sometimes helps. I think the best strategy I have come up with so far is optimism. I just believe that I'm human and going to make mistakes regardless of what I do, so I should just take it all as a learning experience and get better. I can't control what others feel or think towards me but I can adjust how I think, and knowing I'm trying my best helps to negate some of the negative thoughts. It's sort of a "If people can't accept me for who I am, then that is their problem" type of thing. Plus just acknowledging that it's usually all in my head is somewhat effective. But usually I just obsess about it long after everyone else has forgotten.

 

[substitute]

Yeah, Night makes a very good point - your level of emotional sophistication and awareness is far and away beyond anything I encounter in most people and more than I can ever imagine in myself as well.

For some people, the level of connection you're talking about is some kind of once in a lifetime thing, a holy grail, something they barely even believe is possible. I'm not entirely outside of that category!! For others, it just takes a lot longer, to form that kind of attachment to someone. But for most, it can't be formed just because the other person wants you to. If anything, that kinda makes it worse... cos then the person who isn't connecting to you has to deal (maybe) with guilt about how it hurts you for them to not do it, as though it were a conscious decision of theirs when most of the time, it's not; this may result in resentment.

Time, that's all. Time and patience.

heh, non ut dico sed ut facio facite... I give this advice but I don't always follow it myself... so I'm not saying it's easy or anything or that I don't understand the hurt you feel. I still often can't help taking it personally when introverts don't want to see me; when I text to say 'you busy at all today?' and they text back 'why, what do you want?' and I feel totally hurt, like they're saying I only want them for favours, and all I wanted was to go round and have a coffee and a bit of a chat, cos I was lonely and wanted to spend time with someone whose company I enjoy. And they turn me away cos they're busy playing a game or something on their PC. Hard not to take that personally/get hurt by it, no matter how much I understand the introvert 'me time' thing.

 

[FemMecha]

is nothing like me. I don't try to figure out how to connect with people. I either connect with them or I don't. Most people, I don't - though many connect to me and I don't reciprocate (even if I want to). But some people, I either hit it off with straight away or else, after a false start or two, hit it off eventually when something occurs to make it clear that whatever bad blood we thought was between us, was a simple misunderstanding.

IOW, I find that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and it'll happen whatever the case (connection that is), though sometimes not right now. It's not something you can engineer. I've had people connect to me and try to engineer my connection in return but it's futile. They either do or they don't; I either do or I don't. But just because it's a 'nope' right now, doesn't mean it won't be a 'ohhh actually... I see!" later.

Just be yourself. Like I say, if it's meant to be, it will - by just continuing to be yourself - if you're confident you're a worthwhile person despite your faults (since everyone has faults), then if you're what they're after, they'll see it sooner or later even if they misapprehend you at first.

It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it doesn't work at first, but what helps with me is just that, the nil desperandum motto - don't worry, it might get better

This is more of an Introvert/Extrovert difference than an ideological one. I can encounter someone that I do connect with, but am a bit of a social dork to know how to negotiate it. It is very often with another introvert. I end up just admiring from afar interspersed with a few feeble attempts at friendship that rarely pan out. It is important to me to "just be myself", and anything else is scarcely an option. Beyond that there are social games and requirements that aren't second nature. That is my struggle. Being myself means just waiting to be approached, which doesn't happen.

 

[INTJMom]

... I experienced types of rejection that replay themselves in my mind....Have any of you successfully reigned in these particular negative thoughts? If so, what was your strategy?

I can really relate to your dilemma. I used to carry around the wounds of past rejection in my heart. Whenever I was rejected anew, it wasn't just a new experience, it was a re-opening of the past wounds. Usually the people around me would be shocked at my over-reaction to the current situation because they didn't know about the pain I carried.

This is very difficult to overcome because you have to remember the past offense that hurt you before you can deal with it. Once it's remembered, in a nutshell, it must be grieved, and finally the person/s who hurt you must be forgiven.

This is the only way I know of that works. I have been healed of many wounds in my heart this way. But it's hard work, and usually there's no one who understands, no one to talk to; you're just all alone, which makes it feel worse.

When a big issue comes up that I realize I have to deal with, I go to the library to get books that will give me factual information about my problem. The last time I did this was when I had to face the pain of how my mother always dealt with me with anger. I thumb through the books to see which ones I feel like will be helpful to me.

I read them. I take notes. I journal about my thoughts and feelings. I cry. I pray. I grieve. I forgive. I am healed. My reactions change.
(It usually takes a couple of weeks of concentrated effort for me - but I am brutally honest. People who won't face the truth or want to keep making excuses or live in denial may take longer, or not be helped at all.)

 

[cascadeco]

This is more of an Introvert/Extrovert difference than an ideological one. I can encounter someone that I do connect with, but am a bit of a social dork to know how to negotiate it. It is very often with another introvert. I end up just admiring from afar interspersed with a few feeble attempts at friendship that rarely pan out. It is important to me to "just be myself", and anything else is scarcely an option. Beyond that there are social games and requirements that aren't second nature. That is my struggle. Being myself means just waiting to be approached, which doesn't happen.

hmm..I can relate to this. Especially the part of 'being myself means just waiting to be approached, which doesn't happen.'

It's even more of a problem with dating for me. Oh, if only reality was like the movies where the quiet girl reading a book in the corner in a coffee shop is actually approached by a charming, inquisitive, intellectual, passionate, dashing young man....hehe...doesn't happen. Methinks MANY people are waiting....rather than initiating. Because I think many people WANT to be the one who is pursued/approached. I would think it would be flattering to anyone. So I've started to try to initiate a bit more, even though I'd prefer to 'be myself' by staying more quiet in my own little world, and waiting to be approached/sought after.

I also find it's hard for me to develop friendships in the 'real world', as a single 29-yr old woman, where many people my age are already married, already starting their own families, and don't have 'time' or don't prioritize friendships/connections outside their immediate family. It certainly has happened, but whereas in college a friendship may have budded immediately, because you're in a contained environment where for all intents and purposes everyone is at the exact same point in their lives, now that I'm out of that contained setting, I find my friendships take 2-4 years to fully develop. The first year might just be 'hanging out' maybe once every two months, so that I wonder whether anything will truly deepen. But, in a few cases, it has worked out for me. I just find it takes a lot more TIME, and the opportunities for connection, where others are actually in a similar place where they are OPEN to making new connections....seems more rare.

I don't have an answer either. I struggle with this a lot. Wanting those connections, not knowing how/'where' to find them. I'm definitely getting better about getting off of my 'pride wagon' (because for me, a bit of it is possibly pride) and initiating conversation with others, rather than waiting for them to act interested in me. Getting over others seemingly not interested in who I am and wanting to get to know me, and me becoming more extroverted to turn the table, and try to activate a relationship rather than leaving it to chance. (although I agree w/ substitute and others that there's only so much you can do - the other person has to respond in kind as well; no use forcing something that doesn't flow naturally, and that isn't ultimately mutual between BOTH parties).

 

[substitute]

That is my struggle. Being myself means just waiting to be approached, which doesn't happen.

Ah, I understand. No that's not unique to introverts - I often feel the same way, it's not always easy for me to approach people, often the more I respect to them and the more their respect means to me, the harder it is to approach them cos of all the second-guessing, contingency distaster predicting habits you describe above. If you think introverts have it bad socially, spare a thought for the poor ENTP who haplessly blurts out the most bizarre and stupid crap before he even knows he thought it, creating seemingly irreparable images of himself as a buffoon, an idiot, a bimbo, whatever, and not worthy of serious respect or consideration!!

Yeah, I guess I have to force myself to approach sometimes, but then I tend to be able to think of that as part of me, part of being myself - that I force myself to do things that I know are necessary even when I'm scared and uncomfy with them. And then once I've approached and somehow the ice gets broken... it tends to, more often than not... and then be yourself!

Oh, if only reality was like the movies where the quiet girl reading a book in the corner in a coffee shop is actually approached by a charming, inquisitive, intellectual, passionate, dashing young man....hehe...doesn't happen.

It does - I've done it a few times. The result in reality tends more often than not for the girl to ignore the guy; to think he's creepy; to edge away whilst politely making excuses as to why she has to go now; otherwise generally not responding in a way that the guy can construe as meaning his approach was welcome!!! And I'm no Tom Cruise, but I know I'm not ugly and I don't smell! So many guys who do this, learn pretty early on not to do it, even if they want to. Even so, I still chance it occasionally.

 

[FemMecha]

...For some people, the level of connection you're talking about is some kind of once in a lifetime thing, a holy grail, something they barely even believe is possible. I'm not entirely outside of that category!! For others, it just takes a lot longer, to form that kind of attachment to someone. But for most, it can't be formed just because the other person wants you to. If anything, that kinda makes it worse... cos then the person who isn't connecting to you has to deal (maybe) with guilt about how it hurts you for them to not do it, as though it were a conscious decision of theirs when most of the time, it's not; this may result in resentment...

That was important for me to pay attention to read. I loathe to pressure people, but that would be an inadvertent kind of pressure that yes, i can see happening. I guess that is the time to kick in the whole "letting go" focus. What can happen though, is a connection begins and then changes unexpectedly which I understand better in the context of what you are saying.

Thanks, Night, for you comments as well. Very helpful and insightful.

 

[FemMecha]

I can really relate to your dilemma. I used to carry around the wounds of past rejection in my heart. Whenever I was rejected anew, it wasn't just a new experience, it was a re-opening of the past wounds. Usually the people around me would be shocked at my over-reaction to the current situation because they didn't know about the pain I carried.

This is very difficult to overcome because you have to remember the past offense that hurt you before you can deal with it. Once it's remembered, in a nutshell, it must be grieved, and finally the person/s who hurt you must be forgiven.

This is the only way I know of that works. I have been healed of many wounds in my heart this way. But it's hard work, and usually there's no one who understands, no one to talk to; you're just all alone, which makes it feel worse.

When a big issue comes up that I realize I have to deal with, I go to the library to get books that will give me factual information about my problem. The last time I did this was when I had to face the pain of how my mother always dealt with me with anger. I thumb through the books to see which ones I feel like will be helpful to me.

I read them. I take notes. I journal about my thoughts and feelings. I cry. I pray. I grieve. I forgive. I am healed. My reactions change.
(It usually takes a couple of weeks of concentrated effort for me - but I am brutally honest. People who won't face the truth or want to keep making excuses or live in denial may take longer, or not be helped at all.)

Yeah, I'm in the middle of this sort of thing. I have a strong set of theme-and-variations in my life related to neglect. This is from many different sorts of angles, and taking up the whole history of my life. I've learned to tolerate a significant amount it with some grace. This creates a character flaw. I need to be seen, but if I accidentally pressure someone, I am morbidly disappointed in myself. I need to realize it's alright for me to make that particular mistake. I can apologize for it without rejecting my own failing - or maybe stop seeing it as a failing?

 

[INTJMom]

Yeah, I'm in the middle of this sort of thing. I have a strong set of theme-and-variations in my life related to neglect. This is from many different sorts of angles, and taking up the whole history of my life. I've learned to tolerate a significant amount it with some grace. This creates a character flaw. I need to be seen, but if I accidentally pressure someone, I am morbidly disappointed in myself. I need to realize it's alright for me to make that particular mistake. I can apologize for it without rejecting my own failing - or maybe stop seeing it as a failing?

I so know what you mean. I do the same thing. It makes me cringe. I'm learning to accept that that's life. I'm not perfect - though I want to try to be.

 

[substitute]

Yeah, it's not so much a failing or flaw, as an occasional side effect of a strong/good quality of yours: your sincerity and genuine concern.