[ENFJ] I really need some help with my ENFJ mom (long post warning)

[BlackCat]

EDIT: This was more of a rant than anything, I know what I need to do. You can still read it if you want though.

For those of you that have seen me post about my mom before, she's an ENFJ, not an ENFP. She tested as an ENFP, but it's very clear to me that she's a J with her tendencies and such.

Anyways.

So me and my mom have always conflicted with each other. We can't see where the other is coming from. She thinks I'm selfish and cruel (and I honestly have no idea why), and I see her as annoying. She really just doesn't make any sense to me, everything I try doesn't work to make her feel better when we have a dispute. It just makes things worse.

The thing we conflict about the most is she thinks that everyone should show their love by doing things for people. I have a completely opposing view of things, I show my love by being there for someone, going out and doing things with them, talking to them and showing I care, etc. Physical things are cool, but they don't mean all that much to me. Physical things are the world to her. She gets VERY upset if someone doesn't give her gifts for Christmas, her birthday, mother's day, or valentine's day. She thinks if people don't give her gifts that they automatically hate her (I'm being completely serious). If it's not on time, she's pretty much crushed.

This time around it was recently mother's day, and I'm broke. I told her that I'd get her something, I'd get her a flower from a particular shop (it's cheap and the plants are of good quality) that she could plant in her garden. She was of course happy and appreciative to hear that. We established that I would get this plant for her with some of my tax return check, and that I couldn't before that.

Well mother's day comes around and I don't have it. I tell her it's because I had just gotten the check and didn't get a chance to get her it yet. She seemed fine about this, and instead we had an outing just for her. We went on a hike, ate at her favorite restaurant, and saw the new Star Trek movie (she's a Trekkie). She seemed pretty content.

That was on mother's day. After that I go to my dad's house (I stay with her during the weekend) and and chill out on Monday. On Tuesday I cash the check, but that night I had a lot of homework to do, so once again I couldn't go to get her her plant. On Wednesday I had to stay home to take care of the animals at the house, since my dad had to go out and run errands all day, and at the end of the day go to band practice. So once again I couldn't do anything. On Thursday my friends wanted to hang out, and I hadn't seen them in about 10 days (nor socialized in 10 days) so I took the opportunity, no one is off work much anymore nowadays. Once again I couldn't really get it for her.

Now it's today, Friday. I call my mom and she asked me if I could get her the flower. I explained all of the above to her, and I told her that this weekend I'd get it since there was nothing I was doing. She seemed fine about it.

I get home, and she has three Amethysts for me, since I had been wanting one. But she forgot that we had discussed this the week before... and I didn't really want anything from her (she doesn't seem to understand people not wanting something). The type of Amethyst I wanted was overly expensive, and it wasn't worth it. I was totally ok with it, I didn't need it anyway. We established this. So then she shows them to me and says "Well I got you these, what do you think? Do you want them?" I just kinda sat there and tried thinking to myself "Wait... why did I just get these?" I totally had forgotten. Then from my body language she thought that I didn't want them, so she freaked out and started blabbering about how no one cared about anything she did for them (when that's a lie), and how no one has ever cared for her in her life (which is also a lie). I'm sitting here thinking "Whoa whoa... "

When I explain to her the reasons behind my body language she just won't take it. She gets completely irrational when she's angry, she won't listen to any reasoning. What she's feeling in the moment is all that should ever matter in the entire world to anyone, that seems to be how she feels. She told me that the fact that I seemingly didn't care about her gift that she felt betrayed, and I tried to reason her out of it. Then after that she guilted me and told me "You don't even care enough about me to get me a stupid flower, do you know how much that would have meant to me?" Then I repeated why I couldn't get it and she just wouldn't have any of it. But as I said above, nothing works, everything fails and just makes things worse. I have to yell and stomp around to get her to stop talking over me.

This just seems totally absurd to me... I really don't understand why anyone would act this way. With her the way I acted and spoke (like I always to, which is to the point, covering all bases, and just caring about intention and not so much context) meant more to her than my intent... which was that I was sorry I couldn't get her anything and that I would, and that I even promised her that I would.

This really makes no sense to me. I'm awkward with gifts, I don't really know what to do but say "thanks". I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. Everyone just gives me money for gifts, since I have a high standard of what I want, and it's better if I can buy something for myself. I had a discussion with my family about this, that they don't need to spend much on me, and to just throw me a $20 bill or something instead of spending a lot of money on something. My mom thinks that this is because everyone apparently realizes that I'm just selfish and that I don't understand the meaning of a gift.

Sigh. This is ridiculous. It doesn't help that I don't understand ENFJs almost at all... I really can't understand truly why any of this really matters... It all just seems so stupid.

If you're familiar with styles of love, my mom is a primary gift giver (of course), and secondary acts of service. I'm a primary quality time, and a secondary physical touch. We are totally different in this aspect.

I really don't know why she feels this way or why any of this means so much to her. I understand logically, but I'm not "getting" it.

What do you people think? I would really appreciate another viewpoint on this, I don't know what to do.

EDIT: Read the rest of my posts on here before responding to avoid misunderstanding.

 

[MacGuffin]

Completely unhelpful advice: punch her in the ovaries.

 

[Cenomite]

I gotta admit I don't have much advice for you. It's really easy to preach to someone in this situation, but I know that if I was in your shoes and it was my Mom, I wouldn't have the nads to do much that I'd like to suggest to you.

The best advice I could give is to just sit her down and have a talk about how you feel about her actions in-general. I realise that that sounds really lame, and I never really do things like that, but if you can clear up her opinions about you then it would be a good step in the right direction. In other words, have a "big picture" discussion.

I don't think anyone can give you good advice though, at least unless they know your Mom and have also been around you your entire life.

Also...

Completely unhelpful advice: punch her in the ovaries.

Hahahaha

 

[BlackCat]

I gotta admit I don't have much advice for you. It's really easy to preach to someone in this situation, but I know that if I was in your shoes and it was my Mom, I wouldn't have the nads to do much that I'd like to suggest to you.

The best advice I could give is to just sit her down and have a talk about how you feel about her actions in-general. I realise that that sounds really lame, and I never really do things like that, but if you can clear up her opinions about you then it would be a good step in the right direction. In other words, have a "big picture" discussion.

I don't think anyone can give you good advice though, at least unless they know your Mom and have also been around you your entire life.

When I have these big picture conversations they get forgotten, and her feelings mean more than a conversation to her. It's highly annoying.

But yeah... I don't know if anyone can truly help, but if they can provide some input then that's great.

Thanks for yours, I appreciate it.

I don't have to put up with this much longer, I am graduating from high school in 3 weeks. After that I'm moving out, I already have it all set up. I just don't want to leave on bad terms.

 

[invaderzim]

Err... well judging from my ENFJ dad, its not going to stop. Its like their Fe gets an emotional high from the theatrics. She probably set you up anyways. Just get her cards for every holiday (Earth day as well) and make sure they're on time. Resistance is futile.

 

[Thalassa]

Wow, so you went on a hike, saw a movie, and ate at her fave restaurant and she is still freaking out about a flower? I don't know what to say. I have nothing of value to contribute other than my deepest sympathy. That kind of behavior would make me feel angry and hurt.

 

[BlackCat]

Err... well judging from my ENFJ dad, its not going to stop. Its like their Fe gets an emotional high from the theatrics. She probably set you up anyways. Just get her cards for every holiday (Earth day as well) and make sure they're on time. Resistance is futile.

Gah... I hate having to waste money on cards. I guess it's unfortunate that I told her that I didn't really see that giving someone a piece of paper showed that I cared.

You really do seem correct in this sense... I'm glad there is someone else that has an ENFJ parent. She really does set up for emotional drama all of the time. In friendships, family, with me, and with my dad (now her ex husband).

I'm surprised my dad survived four years of that. They basically got married, waited two years, had me, then divorced when I was 2. I am an only child, so I get the full brink of this from my mom. My dad is just a poor INTP musician that wants to enjoy life and not have to deal with that bullshit, after having realized that he got married to that my sympathies go to him.

Wow, so you went on a hike, saw a movie, and ate at her fave restaurant and she is still freaking out about a flower? I don't know what to say. I have nothing of value to contribute other than my deepest sympathy. That kind of behavior would make me feel angry and hurt.

Thanks. I feel anger and frustration mostly, I don't get hurt around my mom anymore.

 

[Gengar]

ehh

I have an ENFJ mom as well and I experience exactly the same things as you.

Firstly, you should try to see it from her perspective as irrational and illogical as it may seem. (I'm attempting to see what she's thinking, so this paragraph might seem a bit jumbled) I think she bought those amethysts because it is your last year in the same house as her. She knows that you're going to leave, and I suppose it's her way of making sure you leave on good terms with her. But in her effort and attempts, she received a somewhat 'blank' response? And with that blank response comes her descension into pessimism. Then she recalls how you put homework over her Mother's Day present, and it's not even THAT timely to get a flower. When she puts the two together, it would seem to her that you don't care about her enough to spend less than an hour (I presume) to get her a flower and you don't appreciate her present. When she gets to that stage, there's no convincing her (even when you hiked and watched a movie with her).

So now, I suppose the only thing to do is to apologise to her for making her feel that way, even if it feels as if you're not at fault. Sure, you may lose dignity as you do this, but what can be more important than making your mother feel a tad bit more happy? I'm quite certain she loves you very much, and as long as you remember this, I don't think it'd be hard to apologise. Go ahead, buy her something better than a flower. Surprise her; mothers love surprises from their husbands, but they love it even more from their sons.

 

[invaderzim]

^^^ yeah but then again she did clean your behind as a baby. She atleast deserves a flower.

 

[Thalassa]

^^^ yeah but then again she did clean your behind as a baby. She atleast deserves a flower.

But he hung out with her all day on Mother's Day and explained why he had not yet purchased the flower. It's not like he did absolutely nothing for her and didn't buy the flower out of sheer negligence.

 

[invaderzim]

opps my bad. next time I'll read the entire post

 

[21%]

I've been lurking for a while, but after reading your post I got so emotionally involved that I just had to join and post a reply.

I've got an ENFJ sister, so I think I understand where your mom's coming from. I think it's the difference between Fe and Fi that is causing the conflict here. Fe dominants love doing things for other people -- and they get so very hurt when people don't appreciate what they do. I really think she must have gone through quite some trouble to get those amethysts for you, all the while dreaming about how surprised and happy you would be when you see them. Yes, you might have discussed it and come to a conclusion that you didn't want them. But, she still thought you must have secretly still wanted them but were too polite/shy to directly say so. She might even have had a little speech planned out for when you go "Oh, mom, you shouldn't have!" (the expected response) -- maybe saying something about you going out into real life now and how she wants the best for you. Fe actions mean something. And her getting you those amethysts means "I remember what you wanted, even when you told me not to get them for you", which means "I care so much for you". So when she didn't get the expected response from you, she interpreted it as you saying "I don't want these", which means "I don't appreciate you getting them for me", which means "I don't appreciate the fact that you thought about me and went through all that trouble to do things for me", which to her means 'selfish'. Then she linked it all with the fact that she didn't get the flowers you promised. For her, it's actually not about the flowers. It's the thought about getting her the flowers -- the effort to get them for her. I think Fe users like feelings to be expressed -- after all, it's extraverted feeling -- it reaches out. And when it does and finds 'nothing' there, it gets lost and confused and hurt.

I think the best way is to introduce her to the MBTI -- just to show her how different people can be. I came from an Fe family, and I was really thrown off balance when I first experienced Fi in other people. Even now, it's sort of an 'unknown' territory for me. So your mom, without awareness of the different types of 'feelings', might even be more confused and frustrated with not 'getting to you' (knowing what you want and knowing how to keep you happy), which is very important for Fe.

I hope that made sense...

 

[OrangeAppled]

I've got an ENFJ sister, so I think I understand where your mom's coming from. I think it's the difference between Fe and Fi that is causing the conflict here. Fe dominants love doing things for other people -- and they get so very hurt when people don't appreciate what they do. I really think she must have gone through quite some trouble to get those amethysts for you, all the while dreaming about how surprised and happy you would be when you see them. Yes, you might have discussed it and come to a conclusion that you didn't want them. But, she still thought you must have secretly still wanted them but were too polite/shy to directly say so. She might even have had a little speech planned out for when you go "Oh, mom, you shouldn't have!" (the expected response) -- maybe saying something about you going out into real life now and how she wants the best for you. Fe actions mean something. And her getting you those amethysts means "I remember what you wanted, even when you told me not to get them for you", which means "I care so much for you". So when she didn't get the expected response from you, she interpreted it as you saying "I don't want these", which means "I don't appreciate you getting them for me", which means "I don't appreciate the fact that you thought about me and went through all that trouble to do things for me", which to her means 'selfish'. Then she linked it all with the fact that she didn't get the flowers you promised. For her, it's actually not about the flowers. It's the thought about getting her the flowers -- the effort to get them for her. I think Fe users like feelings to be expressed -- after all, it's extraverted feeling -- it reaches out. And when it does and finds 'nothing' there, it gets lost and confused and hurt.

This is it right here. The gifts are symbols of thought & affection from your mom. My ISFJ mother takes pride in remembering what someone has mentioned offhand they might like & surprising them with it as a gift. To them it says, "I was listening to you & you're important enough for me to make mental notes on your likes & dislikes". When you did not show much reaction, she took it as a rejection of her affection.

As for giving your mom a gift....you made a promise, but then you kept putting off fulfilling it to do other things. In essence, you said to her, "You are not a priority for me. These other things & people are more important" and that's a hard message for a mom to get. If you didn't promise the flower, she may not have been unsatisfied with the other efforts you made. I suspect she likes physical things she can keep because they are reminders of your affection every time she sees it (I think ENFJs need a lot of reassurance of love).

I understand your perspective...the obligated gifts & cards and what not is stupid & shallow to me as an INFP too, but remember that the motives behind this is to show you care...so it's not about YOU and what you like or want. When someone gives you a gift, no matter how dumb it is, accept it graciously for their sake. When you give a gift, give something that will mean something to the other person, even if it seems lame to you (ie. a card). I'm not big on gift giving, but I've learned that my reactions & efforts should be focused on the other people because it symbolic for them & I don't want to hurt their feelings.

Oh and I will add that I can't believe you find it annoying that your mom loves you a lot and wants to show you & to receive affection from you also.....what an awful mom...come on, dude :rolli:

 

[BlackCat]

I've been lurking for a while, but after reading your post I got so emotionally involved that I just had to join and post a reply.

I've got an ENFJ sister, so I think I understand where your mom's coming from. I think it's the difference between Fe and Fi that is causing the conflict here. Fe dominants love doing things for other people -- and they get so very hurt when people don't appreciate what they do. I really think she must have gone through quite some trouble to get those amethysts for you, all the while dreaming about how surprised and happy you would be when you see them. Yes, you might have discussed it and come to a conclusion that you didn't want them. But, she still thought you must have secretly still wanted them but were too polite/shy to directly say so. She might even have had a little speech planned out for when you go "Oh, mom, you shouldn't have!" (the expected response) -- maybe saying something about you going out into real life now and how she wants the best for you. Fe actions mean something. And her getting you those amethysts means "I remember what you wanted, even when you told me not to get them for you", which means "I care so much for you". So when she didn't get the expected response from you, she interpreted it as you saying "I don't want these", which means "I don't appreciate you getting them for me", which means "I don't appreciate the fact that you thought about me and went through all that trouble to do things for me", which to her means 'selfish'. Then she linked it all with the fact that she didn't get the flowers you promised. For her, it's actually not about the flowers. It's the thought about getting her the flowers -- the effort to get them for her. I think Fe users like feelings to be expressed -- after all, it's extraverted feeling -- it reaches out. And when it does and finds 'nothing' there, it gets lost and confused and hurt.

I think the best way is to introduce her to the MBTI -- just to show her how different people can be. I came from an Fe family, and I was really thrown off balance when I first experienced Fi in other people. Even now, it's sort of an 'unknown' territory for me. So your mom, without awareness of the different types of 'feelings', might even be more confused and frustrated with not 'getting to you' (knowing what you want and knowing how to keep you happy), which is very important for Fe.

I hope that made sense...

That made sense, and that's exactly what she does. She even told me it was about the thought of giving her the flowers... And I told her that I was thinking of giving them to her but she just... Didn't care. I sat her down and told her I counted 13 times that I wanted to get them for her and that she was over reacting. Every time I said that she would dodge it and go on and guilt me about something different. Then I'd say "no, why are you dodging it? ANSWER ME!" after a while. I think I finally got the message to her and she chilled out after a while at the end of the dispute... But I still think it's totally ridiculous that someone is getting mad over something so stupid. I really dislike Fe for the most part, EFJs scare the hell out of me and make me feel extremely uncomfortable. People that are overtly nice seem suspicious and/or superficial to me. Just telling the truth the way I see it. It just seems like she's always mad about absolutely nothing.

And she does know about MBTI, I've made her read the profiles for INFPs to understand me further. She reads them but doesn't really apply that knowledge. My aunt (her twin) is an INFP, and she says "You both are just selfish, you're assholes and selfish! You hate me!" I think my mom really just isn't used to non Fe users. I've tried and tried to get her to realize it. Basically when I told her about Fi vs Fe she said "So those people with Fi are selfish? Why wouldn't someone want to be nice and provide for others?" And I'm like the entire time.

It really caught her off guard when I explained to her that I really didn't care about giving or receiving gifts. That was I think 5 years ago that I first told her, and I still have to tell her. It just seems like she doesn't understand that being there for someone and showing that you care by other means such as talking to them about their problems, doing things with them, talking about everything, etc. I've done this with my mom... It really doesn't do much for her even though she appreciates me. It's the same fashion as my not really caring about constantly getting gifts, but I still appreciate it (if I don't then I risk a nuclear explosion in my house via my mom).

This is definitely an Fi vs Fe conflict... This is the worst conflict I think I've ever been through. Worse than with my ESTJ step mom. At least then I could logically reason with her. At least I could communicate and understand where my step mom was coming from.

God I feel like I'm just bitching here (which I am) but at this point it doesn't matter.

As for giving your mom a gift....you made a promise, but then you kept putting off fulfilling it to do other things. In essence, you said to her, "You are not a priority for me. These other things & people are more important" and that's a hard message for a mom to get. If you didn't promise the flower, she may not have been unsatisfied with the other efforts you made. I suspect she likes physical things she can keep because they are reminders of your affection every time she sees it (I think ENFJs need a lot of reassurance of love).

School is my main priority. She even told me it should be. She understands that, and most of my putting off the gift was due to school of some sort.

Oh and I will add that I can't believe you find it annoying that your mom loves you a lot and wants to show you & to receive affection from you also.....what an awful mom...come on, dude :rolli:

It's annoying when it's constantly happening. My mom is the most extroverted person I've ever met. That alone is grounds for a conflict with living with someone. She is constantly smothering and overwhelming me, she doesn't understand that introverts have limits (even after explaining it). She pretty much explained to me that she hates being around introverts. When I am spent socially she thinks that my withdrawal is a rejection since I won't want to talk to her, and everything I say while spent is an attempt to get people to be quiet. When I explained to her introversion and how I basically didn't want someone to talk a lot she said that that "seems cruel for someone to think that".

I'd like to add that my mom is a very fucked up person in the head. She has been apart of cults, is totally irrational, thinks that anyone who isn't new agey is "ignorant", has a terrible family life (which comes from every sibling besides her ESTJ sister being an introvert, and they're all TJs or FPs. Thus more Fe vs Fi conflict. She annoys the hell out of them, and thinks that they are terrible siblings because they don't go out of their way to please her).

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

If you see your mom's behavior as strictly irrational and inconsiderate, you're going to keep butting heads with her. If you see it as emanating from a place of vulnerability, than you can see past your own opinions of right, wrong, appropriate, and inappropriate, and do something to help usher in some peace and maybe even help her by talking to her compassionately, or getting her something, or something else entirely that you improvise. Logically, it's not hard to see how her behavior and attitudes come from vulnerability: she's sensitive to abandonment, has linked it in her head with physical provisions, and doesn't have the faith to "step out" of the whole predicament, analyze it, and make adjustments. But actually seeing it that way -- not just logically and intellectually, but actually perceiving her vulnerability and her challenges -- means you have to drop your own defenses and risk being sad yourself once you share her perspective. That takes guts and faith on your own part.

 

[OrangeAppled]

School is my main priority. She even told me it should be. She understands that, and most of my putting off the gift was due to school of some sort.

It's annoying when it's constantly happening. My mom is the most extroverted person I've ever met. That alone is grounds for a conflict with living with someone. She is constantly smothering and overwhelming me, she doesn't understand that introverts have limits (even after explaining it). She pretty much explained to me that she hates being around introverts. When I am spent socially she thinks that my withdrawal is a rejection since I won't want to talk to her, and everything I say while spent is an attempt to get people to be quiet. When I explained to her introversion and how I basically didn't want someone to talk a lot she said that that "seems cruel for someone to think that".

I'd like to add that my mom is a very fucked up person in the head. She has been apart of cults, is totally irrational, thinks that anyone who isn't new agey is "ignorant", has a terrible family life (which comes from every sibling besides her ESTJ sister being an introvert, and they're all TJs or FPs. Thus more Fe vs Fi conflict. She annoys the hell out of them, and thinks that they are terrible siblings because they don't go out of their way to please her).

Okay, so she is a little crazy .
Ultimately it seems like she cares about you a lot, and that's more than some people have. Not saying your feelings are invalid, but her's aren't totally invalid either, even if she's, erm, imbalanced at times .

Moving out will probably improve your relationship. It will naturally set the boundaries that are hard to enforce when living with her.
My ISFJ mom is a bit smothering, but I try and remember she means well, and doing that helps me cope with it better. She's still my mommy after all .

 

[alicia91]

If it means so much to her why not save 25Cents per week, put it in a jar and by Mother's Day you'll have enough to buy her a flower? Perhaps to her it's not the flower that matters but that you made the effort and came through for her on MD.

I'm not even close to an ENFJ but I'm kind of the same way.

 

[Xellotath]

I sympathize in absolutely every aspect.
My mother is an ENFJ as well. Everyone in my family is Fe and I am the only one with Fi. Which is why I keep them all at a distance. (They're all stereotypically Fe, they love their silly birthday cards and christmas and cards... all of the idiotic, superficial rituals that apparently mean something.)
When the slightest detail goes wrong, it's like she's temporarily histrionic.
Then she stops being mad and everyone around her just plays the role. Oh no, everything is fine again.. except for me because the impact of her episodes tend linger longer, making me feel rather bitter and confused.
She -adores- bringing up the selfishness argument. Down to the "I keep the house clean and you're all ingrates, I'm a slave for you bastards....blablabla."
Call me paranoid, but I believe Fe has a morbid obsession with guilt and is interested instilling guilt in others.
I remember being about 8, and I got my first D in school, she spent the whole night screaming about how I should feel horrible because by not getting a good grade I was spitting on the efforts my father makes, causing him more stress and eventually I would be the cause for a heart-attack, thus killing him. Yep, not beyond of instilling the fear of indirectly committing patricide in a child for the glory of academia.
I hope your ENFJ isnt as bad as mine. I would go as far as to say that some of that behavior can be classified as emotional abuse, but alas, the rest of the family thinks I'm being too dramatic.

Sorry, I made this a little more personal than it should have been. But your thread struck a chord with me.

 

[Glycerine]

I sympathize in absolutely every aspect.
My mother is an ENFJ as well. Everyone in my family is Fe and I am the only one with Fi. Which is why I keep them all at a distance. (They're all stereotypically Fe, they love their silly birthday cards and christmas and cards... all of the idiotic, superficial rituals that apparently mean something.)
When the slightest detail goes wrong, it's like she's temporarily histrionic.
Then she stops being mad and everyone around her just plays the role. Oh no, everything is fine again.. except for me because the impact of her episodes tend linger longer, making me feel rather bitter and confused.
She -adores- bringing up the selfishness argument. Down to the "I keep the house clean and you're all ingrates, I'm a slave for you bastards....blablabla."
Call me paranoid, but I believe Fe has a morbid obsession with guilt and is interested instilling guilt in others.
I remember being about 8, and I got my first D in school, she spent the whole night screaming about how I should feel horrible because by not getting a good grade I was spitting on the efforts my father makes, causing him more stress and eventually I would be the cause for a heart-attack, thus killing him. Yep, not beyond of instilling the fear of indirectly committing patricide in a child for the glory of academia.
I hope your ENFJ isnt as bad as mine. I would go as far as to say that some of that behavior can be classified as emotional abuse, but alas, the rest of the family thinks I'm being too dramatic.

Sorry, I made this a little more personal than it should have been. But your thread struck a chord with me.

Whooo sounds like some awful Fe. yikes. I have been on the receiving end of both Fe and Fi fueled guilt trips. Neither are pleasant.

 

[BlackCat]

I sympathize in absolutely every aspect.
My mother is an ENFJ as well. Everyone in my family is Fe and I am the only one with Fi. Which is why I keep them all at a distance. (They're all stereotypically Fe, they love their silly birthday cards and christmas and cards... all of the idiotic, superficial rituals that apparently mean something.)
When the slightest detail goes wrong, it's like she's temporarily histrionic.
Then she stops being mad and everyone around her just plays the role. Oh no, everything is fine again.. except for me because the impact of her episodes tend linger longer, making me feel rather bitter and confused.
She -adores- bringing up the selfishness argument. Down to the "I keep the house clean and you're all ingrates, I'm a slave for you bastards....blablabla."
Call me paranoid, but I believe Fe has a morbid obsession with guilt and is interested instilling guilt in others.
I remember being about 8, and I got my first D in school, she spent the whole night screaming about how I should feel horrible because by not getting a good grade I was spitting on the efforts my father makes, causing him more stress and eventually I would be the cause for a heart-attack, thus killing him. Yep, not beyond of instilling the fear of indirectly committing patricide in a child for the glory of academia.
I hope your ENFJ isnt as bad as mine. I would go as far as to say that some of that behavior can be classified as emotional abuse, but alas, the rest of the family thinks I'm being too dramatic.

Sorry, I made this a little more personal than it should have been. But your thread struck a chord with me.

My ENFJ pulls the selfish argument every time. I just can't get her to understand Fi without her calling it selfish. Her INFP sister and her have extreme conflicts with each other, to the point of physical fighting. The communication barrier is that bad... I feel it too. I can relate to you on this.

I can sympathize with you as well.