ISO critique - Writing style

[Fluffywolf]

A while back I tried out some different writing styles, writing down scenes in certain ways that appealed to me. One in particular I'd like other peoples critique on. The scene is sinister in nature and probably not for the feint-hearted to like. I am in search of honest and constructive critique on this. Saying you just hate it or like it doesn't really say much to me.

I'm asking because I'm considering writing a much longer story in the same style, but as most INTP's P), I need to know if I'm writing it for a good reason! Otherwise I won't likely finish it.

Here's the scene:

Sun is setting slow, down past the mountain ridges in the eery pass. The sound of wakened vultures sqrueak through the echoing stone walls. The temperature drops at an amazing pace. Shivering and trembling, holding her arms tight to her exposed chest. Teeth clicking anxiously together. It's not far to go. Pacing quickly over the dirt covered path, short squeaks whenever her bare feet step on a pointy sharp rock, uncomfortable moans climbing past her throat, leaving her fast short breaths broken and bend. Peering into every dark corner of the pass, closing her eyes more and more, dreaming about being anywhere, but there.

Her skin crawling with unsettled fear. Every sound, every single breaking of twigs and crunching of branches in the rising winds shocks the small, restless figure. Darkness follows rapidly, wind blowing stronger and stronger, upsetting the shaking body more and more. The squeaks and moans slowly turn to small whimpering cries, tightening her eyes harder, taking short sprints through the quenching darkness. High pitched sounds of pain as the sharp stones puncture her soft feet. There's lightning in the far distance, drawing ever closer.

Every shock of thunder shoots through her figure, from feet to shoulders. Crying louder, tears start running down her soft cheeks. Her mouth widens from the tensioning fear. Her feet bruised and cut from the sharp edges of the stones, not stopping her frightful journey. Going slowly out of her mind. Every sound seems to draw nearer. Her surroundings closing in her, adding to her utter fear, driving her insane. Tears flow down her waving cheeks, breath stalking, suffocating in her thoughts.

Crying, moaning, squeaking louder and louder. Wanting to scream, to call for help. Can’t hold on much longer, drops of rain jump from her bare shoulders, joining the flow of her cheeks. A surge shoots through the depressing body, turning colder and colder. Slumbering deeper into darkness. Sqrueaks echo through the dark pass, death is calling. Crying, moaning, wanting it to stop.

No! No! No longer, pace is slowing down. Frighted, shaken, passing slowly away, mind going numb, her cries turn to short screams. Her eyes sticked together by the salty tears, no longer looking, no longer seeing. The sounds of the storm no longer intruding her tiny head. Her cries turn to laughter, maniacal sounds of uncaring emotions. Falling to her knees, a loud thump, crashing her bare knees into the dark mud. Crouching her body forward, her stomach aching from the dying sounds leaving her gasping throat.

Her arms clinging tight against her aching breasts. Her jaws locked from the tensioned muscles, unmoving, unstirring. Bending forward in her own kneeled lap, trying to scream with the breath left in her. Two, then three loud screams of hope. Then a fourth, wanting it to end. The horror to stop. Swallowing in her own breath. No more power to make another sound. Her entire body aching, crouching together, resting her head on her rock hard legs. The gushing wind, twirling around her crouched, unwilling figure, last moments of terrifying and anxious pains shoot through her body.

No longer breathing, holding on to herself as long as she can. A single tear forms in the crunched socket of her eye, falling down through the darkness, landing on the mud between her legs with the faintest of echoing sounds. The winds lie down for a short moment, the air thick but soundless, the pass stops a moment in time. Mourning the passing of a lost, young girl. With nothing to cover her lifeless body, but the shadowy darkness, embracing her.

 

[Fluffywolf]

No comments at all?

 

[BlackCat]

I keep saying I'll do it but then I get distracted.

I have a party to go to, I'll get to it tomorrow.

 

[Colors]

Mmmm, I kind of see what you're going for here. It's got a old black-and-white horror movie feel a bit, but it's sort of ... melodramatic/pantomine-y like that too. This works well for a short piece, or a hook, but is rather annoying/dull in a longer format. Also, I think second-person in particular works better for something involving that much minute detail of sensation with a single character subject.

Plus, I'm a feminist, and description of a generic, weepy, frightened female character makes me think of dumb slasher flicks where you rejoice in the dumb/cruel character's imminent death. The character needs personality traits! Second person point of view sort of subverts that by letting the reader substitute their own personalities into the blanks the writer leaves.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Thanks, I had similar concerns. But figured that a long story in short scene format. Initially all unrelated but eventually becoming part of one big story might have merit.

A very visual method of writing filled with time jumps and questions, that slowly weave together on one main storyline, that can't be seen before the end. Filled with fate conundrums and the like.

Would you agree it could work in such a format. Would you be interested in reading it until the end in such a style?

 

[blanclait]

hmm, I can't say for sure b/c I have a tendency to get bored of descriptive writing real fast. Anyways if I had to read a long version of that, I definitely wouldn't read it.

This is totally my personal opinion, so you may choose to not take any of them in. But anyways here it goes:


'Louder and louder, Faster and faster, no longer looking, no longer seeing etc."
needs to be cut down. There are just too many of them. It was effective establishing the mood in the first/second paragraph. It just gets boring after. Same with parallelism.


If this is trying to create tension, it needs to be dead on with the dictions AND length. I believe for the information given, this is too long. It tries to describe too much.
It needs to be shortened. esp the middle paragraphs.

More on her mental state. Rather than just physical. Or better yet, metaphor that can illustrate both.
If she's cold and hurt. She falls down, it hurts, its painful, etc etc. We get it after 2 paragraphs.
You have to move on to tell me other aspects of her. Perhaps some foreshadowing?

If this is going to connect, make sure it feels like it's going to connect.
Right now, it's not interesting enough.

But it does has potential. It just needs some adjustments.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Thank you, that's very helpful. I didn't really notice that myself, but I do see your point!

Definatly something I can work on.

 

[jenocyde]

Colors and blanc have it right, imho.

The short, jagged sentences in present tense lends itself to more of a screenplay format - in which case you need to cut a lot of the emotional description out, so the actors can interpret and it flows better to the reader.

In a fiction story, there needs to be more of a connection to the character, which the short sentences don't give you. It needs to be more personal.

In any case, you repeated the same emotion or sensation too many times.

You may also want to think more about grammatical structure and spelling.

It would be interesting to see this rewritten as a short screenplay, since it is so visual. You may have a new career ahead of you. Good luck.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Colors and blanc have it right, imho.

The short, jagged sentences in present tense lends itself to more of a screenplay format - in which case you need to cut a lot of the emotional description out, so the actors can interpret and it flows better to the reader.

In a fiction story, there needs to be more of a connection to the character, which the short sentences don't give you. It needs to be more personal.

In any case, you repeated the same emotion or sensation too many times.

You may also want to think more about grammatical structure and spelling.

It would be interesting to see this rewritten as a short screenplay, since it is so visual. You may have a new career ahead of you. Good luck.

I don't know about that, the new career. xD

Anyhow, I wrote this in under 5 minutes, same for some other scenes. Pictured them in my mind then put them on paper and try to enchance the visual through words. I suppose a story that has a meaning, together with this style and some tuning here and there could make for some interesting reading.

Grammatical structure and spelling is a tad hard for me, since English isn't my main language. But it's the most graphic language I know. (Dutch sucks to write.)

 

[jenocyde]

I don't know about that, the new career. xD

Anyhow, I wrote this in under 5 minutes, same for some other scenes. Pictured them in my mind then put them on paper and try to enchance the visual through words. I suppose a story that has a meaning, together with this style and some tuning here and there could make for some interesting reading.

Grammatical structure and spelling is a tad hard for me, since English isn't my main language. But it's the most graphic language I know. (Dutch sucks to write.)

If you wrote that in 5 mins, then I really wasn't joking about that career change. If you have interest in screenwriting, pm me and I can help you get started.

And you're right, dutch (and german) are not particularly evocative when writing.

 

[Fluffywolf]

I run three companies already.

>.>

But you're making an interesting offer, I do enjoy writing. But a change of career would be unlikely. (I think I'll consider it...)

 

[jenocyde]

I run three companies already.

So do I. But I write and sell screenplays on the side, in my spare time.

But you're making an interesting offer, I do enjoy writing. But a change of career would be unlikely.

Not making an offer, except the one to help you get started.

 

[MrME]

One thing you should really work on is making sure your sentences are active rather than passive. A lot of this is passive. You use too many -ing words, for one. Adverbs should be avoided when possible. You're overly verbose, too, which makes the passive sentences drag out even more.

You introduce the subject in a vague, round-about manner in the middle of the paragraph. Granted, if this is taken from the middle of something bigger, then it's more forgivable. If this is a self-contained piece, though, the subject of the story -- the woman -- needs to be introduced directly. She doesn't necessarily need to have a name, but she needs to be introduced in a way that says, "This is the main character." In other words, introduce her at the beginning of a paragraph.

Vagueness can be your enemy. If something is normally named, give it a name. Give the mountains a name, give the pass the woman is walking through a name. That lends reality to your story.