ISTP male & INFJ female Compatibility

[RoRoRabbit]

Hello,

I joined this forum to ask this, though I'm sure it's been asked before, what are your real life experiences with this match up?

I am an INFJ female and my man is an ISTP. We are pushing 3 years in and have a son together. When I met him, I thought I had found THE one. The one who would never betray me, never take me for granted, never hurt me (in the same ways I have been hurt in the past.) Which is why I thought nothing of having his baby! I have only recently typed him, but I even enjoy reading the description of who is and thinking about how he exemplifies the type. I admire just about everything about him, there were just a few minor complaints, until this..

But some things have come between us recently which has made me question the entire relationship. I don't know if it's an INFJ thing or a ME thing or a HUMAN thing, but once you hurt me, I begin to question everything and convince myself that the entire relationship was a lie. The act of betrayal was relatively small on the sliding scale of betrayal, but it was enough to make me question our future and whether or not this type of behavior will escalate in the future, i.e. do ISTPs learn from their impulsive mistakes? [He doesn't give me the security of knowing that he will, probably because he doesn't want to commit to something or turn into a liar. lol] We are good for now, no proverbial door slam or anything.. a little remnants of hurt here and there, a little obsessive "what if"-ing, a little bit of insecurity to ruminate over... but I am committed to giving it the best possible chance for our son.

Anyway, I don't want to divulge too many details though I am sure you can grasp the idea.. maybe if I get better acquainted here..

I'm just looking for some people to relate to. Tell me your INFJ/ISTP stories.

 

[Pionart]

How do you know this person is an ISTP and not an INFJ who identifies with their weaker functions or something like that?

(basically, a type-based analysis of this situation would require that you and he are actually typed correctly, which probably isn't the case)

For example, if this is actually a case of ENFP + INFJ where the INFJ acts like an ISTP, then the key would be for the INFJ to get better acquainted with his actual strengths, instead of staying in a weaker form.

But I can only speculate at this point.

 

[RoRoRabbit]

How do you know this person is an ISTP and not an INFJ who identifies with their weaker functions or something like that?

(basically, a type-based analysis of this situation would require that you and he are actually typed correctly, which probably isn't the case)

For example, if this is actually a case of ENFP + INFJ where the INFJ acts like an ISTP, then the key would be for the INFJ to get better acquainted with his actual strengths, instead of staying in a weaker form.

But I can only speculate at this point.

I am an INFJ and have taken the test 3 different times at different points in my life. He is an ISTP (I am speculating, none of the other types fit him and he agreed to the several descriptions I read to him, which is a surprise since he usually says personality tests/horoscopes/etc. are non-specific and could describe anyone) but it is not confirmed as he did not physically take the test and I do not foresee him doing it willingly unless I twist his arm (which I will not do lol). The only other type I could see him being is an ESTP that has lost touch with his extroverted social qualities (depression?) but I don't think that is the case.. I think he enjoys doing things alone or with a select few.

edited to add:
why i think he is an istp:

- self employed tradesman (and enjoys it very much)
- can be impulsive
- trouble with following rules (but has a very concrete set of morals)
- trouble in school when he was younger but highly intelligent (rules for the sake of rules are not for him, he likes to learn for himself)
- excellent problem solver/fixer of mechanical things
- avoids conflict (in relationships but can be hostile/protective under influence of alcohol/when he was younger would get into physical fights- risky behavior)
- not emotional on the exterior (valuing logic over emotion rings very true for him)
- enjoys risky activities/hobbies (he now regrets all the years he spent doing extreme sports- hockey, skateboarding, etc)
- introverted (does things alone, avoids meaningless conversation but can appear extroverted when necessary-pretend to be into convos)
- very private but simple person

 

[Pionart]

I am an INFJ and have taken the test 3 different times at different points in my life. He is an ISTP (I am speculating, none of the other types fit him and he agreed to the several descriptions I read to him, which is a surprise since he usually says personality tests/horoscopes/etc. are non-specific and could describe anyone) but it is not confirmed as he did not physically take the test and I do not foresee him doing it willingly unless I twist his arm (which I will not do lol). The only other type I could see him being is an ESTP that has lost touch with his extroverted social qualities (depression?) but I don't think that is the case.. I think he enjoys doing things alone or with a select few.

Well... the results you get in a test don't necessarily tell you what your actual type is. It might say something about what you identify as, but can't tell you what your natural tendencies are, and a lot of problems result when someone is identifying as something that doesn't match how they actually function, so this kind of analysis really requires something more solid to ground things on.

Non-type based advice would probably be better in this situation.

 

[RoRoRabbit]

Well... the results you get in a test don't necessarily tell you what your actual type is. It might say something about what you identify as, but can't tell you what your natural tendencies are, and a lot of problems result when someone is identifying as something that doesn't match how they actually function, so this kind of analysis really requires something more solid to ground things on.

Non-type based advice would probably be better in this situation.

I was more looking for others experiences in this type of relationship than for advice necessarily (I guess you could say I am looking for understanding).

But what is the point of taking the test if it does not tell you what your personality type is? I'm afraid I am missing what you are trying to say... I'm pretty positive I am an INFJ based on taking the test and everything that I have read (which is a lot, of course its a lot of stuff I found on the internet, but nevertheless a lot..) .. of course I am not an expert on MBTI. I feel pretty confident (but not 100%) that I have typed him correctly. How would one confirm they are an INFJ? How did you? (not being snarky, just trying to understand what you are getting at, hard to convey emotion via webforum)

 

[Pionart]

I was more looking for others experiences in this type of relationship than for advice necessarily (I guess you could say I am looking for understanding).

But what is the point of taking the test if it does not tell you what your personality type is? I'm afraid I am missing what you are trying to say... I'm pretty positive I am an INFJ based on taking the test and everything that I have read (which is a lot, of course its a lot of stuff I found on the internet, but nevertheless a lot..) .. of course I am not an expert on MBTI. I feel pretty confident (but not 100%) that I have typed him correctly. How would one confirm they are an INFJ? How did you? (not being snarky, just trying to understand what you are getting at, hard to convey emotion via webforum)

Well, you're gonna have a hard time with the information that's out there. I've put a lot of thought into it for several years, and I've had to develop entirely new ways of determining someone's type. I generally look for function order in the sense of doing one thing then the next, so I've looked at things I say, write, do, etc. and I see that usually I go into it with a state of mind that I can only really see as being Ni if having to choose from the 8, then I go Fe then Ti then Se (then Ne then Fi then Te and then Si). So you really need to see the functions manifesting in an order, it's not enough to know dichotomies, or even which functions are being used and going off of which seems stronger, because a person can emphasise their weaker functions to the point that they seem like the stronger functions.

The point of the tests is just to give you a pointer. It can also be useful for seeing how you differ from your natural inclinations if you find an objective way of determining them. Like, I'm Ni-Fe, but I usually score as a P, so that may indicate that I'm more on the passive side for how a J would optimally function, or it might just means that the test questions are skewed towards the SJ side of things more than the NJ side.

It's very difficult to type a person unless you have a really solid framework that you're operating under, and if you get types wrong, then everything about the dynamics at play in the situation would have a totally different solution, because the equilibrium point is totally different.

Like, for an actual INFJ+ISTP couple, I have no idea what constructive advice I would give, because that's a pairing that rarely works, but if the typings are off, then it could be a totally workable situation and require a totally different solution. Know what I mean?

 

[Luminous]

Welcome to the forum, RoRoRabbit!

I don't have any good type specific advice... though I suspect my father is an ISTP (and he sounds a lot like your significant other), and I do think he learned from his impulsive mistakes, though there was time and a lot stress involved...

Hopefully someone else will have more advice!

 

[RoRoRabbit]

Well, you're gonna have a hard time with the information that's out there. I've put a lot of thought into it for several years, and I've had to develop entirely new ways of determining someone's type. I generally look for function order in the sense of doing one thing then the next, so I've looked at things I say, write, do, etc. and I see that usually I go into it with a state of mind that I can only really see as being Ni if having to choose from the 8, then I go Fe then Ti then Se (then Ne then Fi then Te and then Si). So you really need to see the functions manifesting in an order, it's not enough to know dichotomies, or even which functions are being used and going off of which seems stronger, because a person can emphasise their weaker functions to the point that they seem like the stronger functions.

The point of the tests is just to give you a pointer. It can also be useful for seeing how you differ from your natural inclinations if you find an objective way of determining them. Like, I'm Ni-Fe, but I usually score as a P, so that may indicate that I'm more on the passive side for how a J would optimally function, or it might just means that the test questions are skewed towards the SJ side of things more than the NJ side.

It's very difficult to type a person unless you have a really solid framework that you're operating under, and if you get types wrong, then everything about the dynamics at play in the situation would have a totally different solution, because the equilibrium point is totally different.

Like, for an actual INFJ+ISTP couple, I have no idea what constructive advice I would give, because that's a pairing that rarely works, but if the typings are off, then it could be a totally workable situation and require a totally different solution. Know what I mean?

Well maybe the typings are spot on because the pairing is not working as of late

I identify pretty strongly with INFJ but I would be open to hear your interpretation. Of course, I am not an expert on the functions at all. But I understand what you are saying. I'm sure its possible that I have typed him wrong but the ISTP shoe definitely fits him.

 

[RoRoRabbit]

Welcome to the forum, RoRoRabbit!

I don't have any good type specific advice... though I suspect my father is an ISTP (and he sounds a lot like your significant other), and I do think he learned from his impulsive mistakes, though there was time and a lot stress involved...

Hopefully someone else will have more advice!

Thank you! I suspect my dad may be too, or a very similar type.. They are very similar in eery ways. (Both Lefties, Both Aries )... Perhaps that is what the attraction for me is. But that's a whole nother realm of psychology

I think if I could only tone down my sensitivity, we would be more or less perfect for each other. I truly do admire so many things about this man. Until it hurts.

 

[Luminous]

Thank you! I suspect my dad may be too, or a very similar type.. They are very similar in eery ways. (Both Lefties, Both Aries )... Perhaps that is what the attraction for me is. But that's a whole nother realm of psychology

I think if I could only tone down my sensitivity, we would be more or less perfect for each other. I truly do admire so many things about this man. Until it hurts.

Stay with anyone long enough, and it's going to hurt at some point, I think.

 

[RoRoRabbit]

Very true.

 

[Pionart]

why i think he is an istp:

- self employed tradesman (and enjoys it very much)
- can be impulsive
- trouble with following rules (but has a very concrete set of morals)
- trouble in school when he was younger but highly intelligent (rules for the sake of rules are not for him, he likes to learn for himself)
- excellent problem solver/fixer of mechanical things
- avoids conflict (in relationships but can be hostile/protective under influence of alcohol/when he was younger would get into physical fights- risky behavior)
- not emotional on the exterior (valuing logic over emotion rings very true for him)
- enjoys risky activities/hobbies (he now regrets all the years he spent doing extreme sports- hockey, skateboarding, etc)
- introverted (does things alone, avoids meaningless conversation but can appear extroverted when necessary-pretend to be into convos)
- very private but simple person

Don't INFJs have trouble following rules? I don't know what impulsivity relates to, but there are INFJs into extreme sports. If he is an INFJ, then he'd be using his Ti-Se to do a lot of this stuff, like fixing mechanical things, but there's no reason that an INFJ, especially one who focuses on their Ti+Se couldn't do that sort of stuff.

You might think and Fe auxiliary would be emotional on the exterior, but one who over-uses the Ti isn't necessarily going to be so at all.

Again, I could easily see an INFJ doing all of those things.

 

[Luminous]

Legion, this wasn't a typing thread to determine the type of her significant other, but rather a thread where she's asking about relationships between those two types, ISTP and INFJ. Let's not derail it further, okay?

 

[Pionart]

Legion, this wasn't a typing thread to determine the type of her significant other, but rather a thread where she's asking about relationships between those two types, ISTP and INFJ. Let's not derail it further, okay?

If someone asks about a particular relationship pairing and the people they are looking for insight into are typed incorrectly, then all of the stuff written about that pairing will be invalid and misleading.

I don't think she was asking about INFJ+ISTP pairing, I think she was asking about her and her significant other and assuming that was an INFJ+ISTP pairing, so framing the answer in terms of that pairing is only going to make things worse if she was off in the typings.

The type of the people involved is highly relevant, and more important than answering the specific question, in other words.

 

[Pionart]

My actual view of the ISTP + INFJ pairing:

As the first and second functions of one are the third and fourth functions of the other, relationships (I'm speaking generally here, not necessarily referring to romance specifically) will generally be hard to work with.

When an ISTP and INFJ come together, it will generally be to work on each others' weaknesses. Generally there will be some activity, often competitive, that the two are involved with, and the focus will be more on doing an activity, rather than directly interacting.

Like any relationship, it has positive and negative aspects, but generally the negatives outweight the positives here, and it will quickly become tiresome. It will primarily occur, as I said, when each person is in the state of mind where they want to develop their third and fourth functions to a higher level, and are prepared to go all-out in doing so.

In terms of my personal experience, I don't know of any ISTPs personally, but I do know an ESTP. He's fine for activities like playing video games, and just generally being in a group together, but I find his peronsality generally unpleasant and we never had an actual conversation. There is some sense of similarity, but generally we are polar opposites in terms of interests.

There is an ISTP that I sometimes watch youtube videos of. She is schizophrenic, and I like to watch the videos of schizophrenics because I can relate to them and generally want to understand the condition better, but with that factored out, I generally don't find her way of going about things to be particularly appealing. That's not to say that I think she is a bad person or anything like that, but just a general recognition that there are significant factors that would make us incompatible socially.


Hence why I wanted to focus on the distinct possibility that these are not the types that the OP actually has in mind. I don't feel that anything that I just wrote is particularly relevant here, because I don't believe that it is really an INFJ+ISTP couple that is being referenced. Hence determining the actual types is (perhaps) necessary in providing appropriate advice/understanding.

 

[Pionart]

Now, let's say on the other hand, that the OP is INFJ (INFJ-1, let's say), and her partner is INFJ (INFJ-2, let's say), but that he focuses on his lower functions so much that he seems like an ISTP. Basically, he denies his INFJ-ness.

In this case, there would be issues. When INFJ-1 brings up something related to Ni or Fe, INFJ-2 will react negatively to it, because he denies these aspects of himself. Being speculative? No, we need facts! Being caring? No, we should remain cool and calm! In this case, INFJ-2 is not behaving how he should be behaving. He has identity issues which are making him not want to be how he naturally is, and focuses on things that are meant to be secondary-considerations as if they were the only considerations. In this case, INFJ-2 would need to be made aware of what he's doing - that it's not healthy, and he needs to re-immerse himself in his natural way of being. That doesn't mean giving up the Ti and Se aspects of his life, that just means realising that those aren't all there is to life - there are more important things, and he needs to change. Change in this situation is very much possible, and requires honestly evaluating oneself and coming to terms with what the best way to go about things would be.

I'm not saying that's necessarily what really is going on here, but I do have a hunch that it might be close. So, take it as a possibility.

 

[Forever]

Since your dominant function is pretty much your instinct to the point you’re barely even aware of it. To in fact repress it would make you go insane. I don’t think INFJ-2 can exist without being suicidal or in a mental institution. To deny your most basic and easy mental processes is pure insanity. You rather be pathetic at it or unaware of it rather than consciously putting it away.

Just trying to be realistic here

 

[RoRoRabbit]

Legion, thank you for your insightful responses. I respectfully disagree with my SO being an INFJ, we are far too different. Though I see your point about how some people can suppress some/all primary functions and it is interesting. I try to suppress my intuition at times but it never works. 😂

I think the pairing, assuming we are typed correctly, can work well when we are both at our best. He shows me the world in a way I dont get to see it otherwise and he grounds me which i appreciate so much. I am tender to his emotions (the ones he pretends arent there most of the time) and i think he likes that. I also appreciate how he shows he cares which might be atypical for INFJ who romanticizes and idealizes love (or at least I have) but in times of crisis, I do wish he felt an urge to show it in bigger ways. He is pretty bullheaded in that regard. (I should just know, or one simple action that clears his action.) I like how simple and easy everything is with him.
It's when we are both at our worst that I am looking to get some insight to help us. I dont want to shut him out like I have done in previous relationships, but there are times when it feels like he has a callous disregard for my feelings (which I realize now that it is more his impulsivity and he really is not making excuses there) and I am also acutely aware that I have many more "feelings" and am much more sensitive than the average person so it's kind of not possible to never hurt my feelings or always consider them when I dont always fully express them to him.
Just lurking around the forum has helped a lot already 😂

 

[Pionart]

Since your dominant function is pretty much your instinct to the point you’re barely even aware of it. To in fact repress it would make you go insane. I don’t think INFJ-2 can exist without being suicidal or in a mental institution. To deny your most basic and easy mental processes is pure insanity. You rather be pathetic at it or unaware of it rather than consciously putting it away.

Just trying to be realistic here

I'm pretty sure it's actually quite common. Maybe not completely suppress, but to overfocus on your lower functions to the point that they seem like your main ones.

Before I realised I was an INFJ, I had a definite identification with my Ti. I first scored INTP when I took a personality test, and I thought Ti dominant certainly sounded reasonable when I read about the functions.

But then I gave it some more thought and realised I was an INFJ but my Ti was playing too big of a role in my life, and now I'm more conscious of the fact that I'm Fe before Ti.

So, I didn't suppress my dominant so much as suppress my auxiliary, but there are surely going to be other INFJs who overuse their Se at the expense of Ni. They have a focus on details, practicality, physical experience. They know deep down that they're driven by the abstract elements of life, but they've learnt to think that concreteness is where it's at, so to speak.

I mean, someone can value concreteness but at the same time not betray their intuition, but many intuitives are taught by society that intuition is a weakness (it's reversed on typology forums, which might be a case of normalcy derived by majority rule in both cases) so they work on their sensing.

It definitely happens. There are all kinds of reasons that a person can seem like a type other than their primary type.

 

[Forever]

I'm pretty sure it's actually quite common. Maybe not completely suppress, but to overfocus on your lower functions to the point that they seem like your main ones.

Before I realised I was an INFJ, I had a definite identification with my Ti. I first scored INTP when I took a personality test, and I thought Ti dominant certainly sounded reasonable when I read about the functions.

But then I gave it some more thought and realised I was an INFJ but my Ti was playing too big of a role in my life, and now I'm more conscious of the fact that I'm Fe before Ti.

So, I didn't suppress my dominant so much as suppress my auxiliary, but there are surely going to be other INFJs who overuse their Se at the expense of Ni. They have a focus on details, practicality, physical experience. They know deep down that they're driven by the abstract elements of life, but they've learnt to think that concreteness is where it's at, so to speak.

I mean, someone can value concreteness but at the same time not betray their intuition, but many intuitives are taught by society that intuition is a weakness (it's reversed on typology forums, which might be a case of normalcy derived by majority rule in both cases) so they work on their sensing.

It definitely happens. There are all kinds of reasons that a person can seem like a type other than their primary type.

I see what you’re saying but being confused of which is valued more than the other is different than one despising or scorning it, if that makes sense.