[ENFP] ENFP Mom Problems (and my son may be ENFP)

[Starrynight5]

INFP here. My mom tested ENFP and I believe my 10 year old is ENFP. In the hopes of understanding him better, I should probably work out my mom issues. I have had a lot of problems getting a long with my mom, through the years. We just don't connect and she gets mad/hurt since I'm not that close with her. She used to embarrass me to no end when I was a teen with her dramatic and silly (to me) girlish antics, almost like she was performing for others. Plus it was always her way or we were put in our place. She's very opinionated---there's no black and white (uber conservative & religious). It seems she has to point out the faults of others even spitefully that we're talking about (almost like she's jealous and has to tear them down). She doesn't do that to family but she will make pointed comments here and there, so we all get the idea.

She is hard to argue with because she's very quick verbally and smart (and see above) so opinionated. On the other hand, she is incredibly sensitive so if one uses the wrong tone of voice with her--or fails to include her in someway--she can be devastated (going up to her room to pout). Lately she is playing tough saying she will not put up with anyone who does not fit her mold of absolute love and kindness to her. You can probably tell that I don't fit that--not that much patience left. She has very few, if any, friends left (they've all offended her or chosen to move on), although somehow she and my ESTJ father have made their relationship work. She is completely estranged with her mom and siblings (lots of dysfunction there). We speak but are not able to be close because she wants to take over/dominate in her Southern Charm way (INFP daughter who hates control, ha ha).

Anyway, I hate to pass on any of this dysfunction to my own kids and my ENFP son. What does a funny, moody, low-frustration tolerance, creative, smart little ENFP need from me to be healthy?

 

[sacklome]

ENFPs are like INFPs filled with rocket fuel.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

how sad (not your fault) that there isn't a bridge of understanding, really coming from the soul, between an INFP and an ENFP. you mum seems to be an unhealthy ENFP anyway.

I'm not a psychologist but you wrote 2 paragraphs on your mum and one line on your son. are you sure your real issue is not that you'd like to work on your relationship with your mum?

anyways, as for your question, one thing my mum did to me which was great was she never left me bored. for instance, when we were in public transportation, she would have children's books and she would participate in them with me. i vividly remember, although i was very young, glueing cotton to the image of a sheep in a book (cotton was to symbolise the sheep's coat). things like this were really cool. my mother stimulated my curiosity and my will to learn.
another thing that was important to me was my mum always telling me that i could do whatever i wanted in the world when i grew up. made me feel free and full of possibilities.
and also, when i came home after school i would join my mum in the kitchen and while she cooked she would ask me to tell her all about what i had learned. so again, i felt validated and supported in my curiosity. for instance, my parents never cared about my grades. they used to tell me that the important thing was that i learned, not that i did well at school. similarly, i never got prizes for getting good grades because "if you get good grades, you are the person that benefits from that, so you dont need a prize, the prize is you learned"
these two things go well for Ne.

a bad thing my ENFJ mum did was to not give space for my Fi to develop. it was seen as selfish. But I dont think you can get that wrong as an INFP. I'm not even going to give you advice on how to do it, i trust it you know it better than me.

Also, let me say hi beautiful partner INFP. im so sorry you had a bad relationship with your mum. But im an ENFP, we're like brothers, you need more ENFP love

 

[Jet Stream]

All little kids are xNxP. Ne is just a fancy way of saying ADHD.

 

[Starrynight5]

Thanks so much for the very specific ideas for connecting with son, Pinkgraffiti! It sounds like you had an amazing relationship with your mum.

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ENFPs are like INFPs filled with rocket fuel.

Very true. I wish I could borrow the rocket fuel at times.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

Thanks so much for the very specific ideas for connecting with son, Pinkgraffiti! It sounds like you had an amazing relationship with your mum.

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yes, as a child.but it's weird, i think as she gets older she's getting quite insecure and her way of being insecure is to be very drama queen and try to rule everyone in the house, emotionally. it's a typical bad ENFJ trip. this has put strain in our relationship for the past ~5 years, as I really value my freedom and Fi (my mum doesn't understand nor value Fi, it's like an Fe truck just passing through my Fi). So, well....that's it. In fact, a not so good thing from my childhood is that I believe my Fi is not well developed (meaning, I have it, but I'm also insecure and afraid of it). I think my mum is partially responsible for this, as during my childhood it was always seen as a selfish aspect of my personality, that I should control and keep hidden. This is terrible, because no one can and shouldn't change their personalities to accommodate others. But I have in fact developed an insecurity about my Fi and a dependence on the opinions of others. The good thing is my current partner is an Fi-dom and does a lot of validating my feelings and helping me trust myself etc.
And that was type theory for you