Demanding Fakeness

[celesul]

I generally don't mind if someone is just trying to be polite, but if someone constantly thinks I'm upset when I wander around thinking, I can get annoyed. I first tell them that I'm just lost in thought, but if that same person keeps asking what's wrong every time I try to think, I promptly list off every single bad thing that happened to me that week. "why don't you smile, you look sad?" "I am sad, my cat just died, I failed a test... (and so on) Why would I smile?" Needless, to say they don't ask again I sometimes feel bad about it, because they are trying to be nice, but they can also be annoying, and it's fun to see their expressions. I don't mind it so much when someone decides I look lonely so they sit down and start chatting, as that can be kinda fun.

I also list off whatever was good or bad since I last saw someone if they ask "how are you?" if I either know them well, and know they'd be amused, or if it's someone who asks that solely from a perceived obligation and doesn't care how I answer, as it's not a question, but a statement. I prefer playing to getting irritated, as people can be very surprised, and are really funny to watch.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

After reading a few responses...

One thing I don't understand is why everyone is so bothered by the "false" nature of interactions. Don't you realize that if we didn't have that in place, we'd actually have to get down in there and interact with everybody to keep them appeased? Which takes a lot more energy/thought than a standardized response.

Like I said before, I ENJOY talking to people, I just want it to be real and genuine, not fake. I would much rather talk to a stranger about his hardships than have to muster some fake emotion. To me, that's much more work.

I said something like, "Oh, not the best, but i'm surviving". An awkward silence fell like I had said something terribly wrong. Another time some news was shared with me and I calmly replied "oh, that's really great". I was later taken aside and scolded for not showing more excitement. Later he asked me what I thought about something and I said, "hey that's pretty nice" He replied indignantly, PRETTY nice!? It was VERY nice! :steam:... Smiley, cheerful, and yet VERY anal retentive people. What the hell happened during potty training?

I'm trying to understand these people too. I think they feel afraid when they don't have an overwhelming feeling of positivity, so they design interactions to simulate these feelings over and over. Like Aelan said, "everyone seems to be in a rush to be happy, and for everyone around to be "all right", as if being sad is not being normal." The nervousness is okay but not when curing, or rather masking, that nervousness requires that I somehow hide or ignore who I really am.

So now, whenever someone seems to be asking for validation I instantly interpret it as "they're trying to manipulate me into saying what they want, I'll say something sarcastic so they know I'm onto it."

This is definitely a piece of it.

 

[heart]

I'm trying to understand these people too. I think they feel afraid when they don't have an overwhelming feeling of positivity, so they design interactions to simulate these feelings over and over. Like Aelan said, "everyone seems to be in a rush to be happy, and for everyone around to be "all right", as if being sad is not being normal....

Fromm's "Smiling Depressives."


The world consists of imaginary people, claiming imaginary virtues and suffering from imaginary happiness - Vernon Howard

 

[cascadeco]

I do feel like I sometimes put up an antisocial wall. When I'm at my least neurotic and most self-confident, things like that don't bother me as much, and I start to realize that the "barrier" is often self-imposed. I'm most protective of myself and more a staunch defender of my right to be different when I don't feel balanced or completely confident..

I can relate to this well.

As for the OP, general 'fakeness' bothered me a lot more when I first entered the work force and was struggling with that shift. There was one coworker who drove me crazy, as she was incredibly 'needy' and would whine/complain/vent constantly about her life and her woes, mostly involving her medical problems. She didn't really know the first thing about me, so it's not like we were friends. She was just known over the entire floor as the person who attached herself to anyone and everyone who would listen to her. At first I would listen to her, but I quickly realized all she wanted and all she was seeking was someone to validate her, feel sorry for her, and keep listening to her. She was like a leech. When I stopped giving her the validation and became more blaise about all of it, without giving the responses I knew she was seeking (it was funny...it was like she'd set herself up for a canned response from me, and then when I wouldn't give it to her, I could almost sense her disappointment/confusion), she eventually stopped talking to me and went to the coworkers who were more accommodating.

Also one time in the elevator back then there was another coworker who was always overly cheerful and irritating in that way, and one day she asked, 'How are you today?', and I said, 'Honestly, I'm in a bad mood' (because I didn't want to fake cheeriness for her that day, and with her, you'd pretty much have to fake it to be at her level...I was crabby ;-). I didn't say it in a mean way, I just said it in a matter-of-fact way. Then she said something or other that was cliche, and I think my response probably came across snippily, because she kind of avoided me for a good week or so after that. oops.

I guess I'm starting to think it's not necessary for me to 'fake' my responses. I'm not sure I ever really have, even in the past, but in the past I would never really admit when I wasn't in a great mood. It's not like I gush with emotion, because I don't, but I will be honest and 'real', IF someone asks and I think they truly want to know how I'm *really* doing. If I think they're just asking me as a social nicety and they don't want to know how I'm *really* doing, I'll usually just say, 'I'm ok'. I don't typically detail all of it, even with people I trust -- unless I know they go through very similar things.

There have been a handful of times at work where I've just flat-out told coworkers that I'm mopey, or am having a bad day/week, or whatever, and others on my team are the same way. I haven't ever gotten pestered for this, and even if I did these days, I don't think I'd take it poorly -- I'd just shrug it off and attribute it to them being them, and nothing more than that. So now I tend to just ignore anyone who seems more fake. Maybe 'ignore' is the wrong word. I just don't let their social behaviors bother me. Some people are just like that.

I will ask people what's wrong if they look like they're having a bad day, but I'll only do that with people I have a good feel for, and who I already think I understand pretty well based on past behavior. I've never told someone to 'Cheer up!! Smile!!' -- that just seems rude and seems to diminish the other persons' emotional state and what they might be going through. And I tend to appreciate authenticity anyway -- so if someone actually tells me they aren't doing well, that just seems so real and genuine to me that I want to understand what's going on.

As for emotion in general -- if I show it -- like if I show glee, or I say 'Yay!!!' (haha) -- I truly mean it, and I'm truly feeling that way. I never fake 'Yay's'.

 

[heart]

There was one coworker who drove me crazy, as she was incredibly 'needy' and would whine/complain/vent constantly about her life and her woes, mostly involving her medical problems.

For me, these are easiest people to deal with. They just want someone to listen. They don't require a lot of razzle-dazzle coming their way. So feel free to push them types the INFP's way anytime.

 

[cascadeco]

For me, these are easiest people to deal with. They just want someone to listen. They don't require a lot of razzle-dazzle coming their way. So feel free to push them types the INFP's way anytime.

Really?? Wow. Well, that's good!!! She just drained me -- I'd get so tired of listening to her and acting empathetic when I wasn't for about half the stuff she'd talk about.

 

[swordpath]

This was the biggest annoyance for me when I worked at Starbucks. I'm not an overly warm and chirpy person, I don't smile constantly while I work, but that doesn't mean I'm not a considerate and good worker. I was interested in getting a shift supervisor position and this was the main area my manager wanted me to work on, more charisma. I can understand the need for friendly employees and creating a happy atmosphere but she wanted me to be fake, that was the bottom line. Not something I'm willing to do so we kind of clashed heads a little bit over that.

 

[heart]

Really?? Wow. Well, that's good!!! She just drained me -- I'd get so tired of listening to her and acting empathetic when I wasn't for about half the stuff she'd talk about.

I don't really put a lot into the "empathy thing" with people I am not close to and as long as I just say "uh-huh". they pretty much are satisfied. Anyway I have a lot of empathy in my empathy tanks generally. Easier to empathize than to ooze joy.

It is better than the ones who pressure for the joy.

 

[heart]

This was the biggest annoyance for me when I worked at Starbucks. I'm not an overly warm and chirpy person, I don't smile constantly while I work, but that doesn't mean I'm not a considerate and good worker. I was interested in getting a shift supervisor position and this was the main area my manager wanted me to work on, more charisma. I can understand the need for friendly employees and creating a happy atmosphere but she wanted me to be fake, that was the bottom line. Not something I'm willing to do so we kind of clashed heads a little bit over that.

When I was working in customer service in my late teens, the manager was always on us to "flirt" and make lingering eye contact. ugh, ugh, ugh! Like being expected to be an emotional whore. :steam: