I know this thread is pretty old but I wanted to respond anyway.... I have a question regarding a situation in my life and feel like I really need some feedback.
My first true love, the woman that I consider the love of my life door slammed me about a year and a half ago. I was also her first true love and she considered me the love of her life. So, it was a mutual connection. She is an INFJ. I am an ISFJ most of the time and in most situations but on some days and in certain situations I can be more of an INFJ. Anyway, our relationship was very intense and difficult for the both of us. We had an extremely deep and spiritual kind of connection and the vulnerability was too much for both of us at the time. And I, for one had MANY unresolved issues from my childhood and past. I actually very much relate to what someone else posted on here in that I grew up with an emotionally abusive BPD mother and we moved every year so I was always the "new kid". It got to a point where I just stopped trying to form lasting friendships and relationships so, I was 27 years old before I allowed myself to fall in love and be in a romantic relationship with someone. Given my cautiousness and the amazing connection we had, I was SURE she was "the one".... I was so cautious and careful about who I opened myself up to so, when the relationship started to go south, it was very hard for me and for her as well. Due to my unresolved issues and immaturity as well as my lack of relationship experience and basic insecurity, I ended up becoming emotionally abusive towards her and we fell into a very toxic, unhealthy, abusive cycle. I began seeing a counselor and we tried for over a year to "fix" things, but I just had too much "stuff" that I had to deal with on my own before I could ever be ready for a healthy, stable, mature relationship....with anyone.
Well, long story short.... she eventually got to a point where she said "enough is enough" and she shut me out of her life. She remained open to brief and sporadic email communication but that was it. There was really no talking through things at that point, she was just DONE! For me, this was such a shock and very hard to accept because we had been through so much together, it was hard to believe that she was really, truly done this time.... not to mention, given her INFJ nature she was always forgiving and patient with me so I just had a really hard time believing that she was really done with me. So, I tried for a long time to get her back.... I did everything in my power to try and convince her to give me another chance, but she just wasn't having any part of it. I finally had to just realize and accept that there was nothing I could do. She put up that wall and it wasn't coming down for anything! As it is now, she has moved on and is in a relationship with someone else but I'm still sitting here, unable to fully let go, struggling to accept that she really is never coming back to me and that her shutting me out is a permanent, forever thing.
My question for people here is, under what circumstances would you open the door again? It's been a year and a half and in that time I have continued seeing a counselor on a weekly basis, I have read nearly 40 "self-help" type books and have grown so much it's not something I can put into words. I still have a ways to go and am not "there" yet in terms of where I'd like to be to feel "ready" for a relationship. But I'm on my way! And I've made very drastic changes and improvements in my life. I've worked through many of my underlying unresolved issues in therapy and am on a clear road to recovery in many ways! I know she sees these changes in me throughout our brief interactions via email because she acknowledges them and tells me she's very proud of me. But as far as her trusting me, I have a hard time seeing that being possible for the future because I betrayed her trust so dramatically. But at the same time, I feel like as much as I have grown and as hard as I have worked and will continue working to grow up, heal my past wounds, and deal with my issues...it's hard for me to understand how or why she wouldn't open the door again someday. Especially given the special nature of our relationship and the depth and rarity of our kind of connection.
What do you guys think? I'm particularly interested in the opinions of those who are very adamant about shutting people out "forever" and "permanently". In this type of situation, give the circumstances, is it at all likely or even possible that you might someday open the door up again to the person? If you had seen major improvements and changes they had made in their life to overcome the issues that caused them to hurt you and betray your trust? Or would none of that really matter? And would it perhaps be even more reason to NOT open up to them again...give that the relationship was so intense and energy draining? What if the relationship, on new terms, was very healing and we helped each other grow, rather than drain each other's energy? What would you do?