Multiple Enneagram Subtypes/Instincts The same instinctual variants in relationships

[Hopelandic]

How important do you think similarity in instinctual variants is in a (short term and long term) relationship, and for what reasons?

I'm currently talking to a person who I am quite sure has the same variants as me, in the same order. I was "drawn" to this person, for a reason I couldn't really explain. I didn't think much of it at first. I let it be, then didn't contemplate it. Then we started talking again shortly after, and wow. The balance of energy is just.. really like nothing i've experienced. Obviously there are other things which appear to make us compatible, but i'm mainly talking about the interplay of energy here. We're both aware of each others boundaries, yet in this short period of time we've been talking, we're willing (i.e. we want it) to be pierced by each other and probed. It feels like a fulfilling experience, rather than something that drains my energy (being introverted). He's intelligent too, so that helps. Definitely feels good but I think we're both aware of the possibility it might combust, so we don't want to go in too hard and fast.

Anyone want to guess what you think our variants are for fun? (kind of obvious really) anyone experienced the same thing in regards to short term/long term relationships?

 

[Rebe]

sx/sp !

I'd think the difference of variants create a good balance, otherwise your doms might compete/clash with each other. Maybe if the first two variants are switched over ... I am attracted to sx/sp, passionate but also reserved so they don't drive me crazy.

 

[hilo]

I don't know if there is a strict rule in play, but as an sx/so, I had the most amazing "natural" attraction and ability to just coexist with a so/sx.

 

[Salomé]

Yup. I think it's important.

Personality Types: Enneagram compatibility - instinctual variants - Enneagram and Myers Briggs

Therefore it appears that indifferent to the Enneagram types involved in a relationship, the odds that they get along well are higher when their instinctual variants are the same or at least similar.

Sexual

Sx/Sp more compatible with: Sx/Sp, Sx/So, Sp/Sx
Sx/So more compatible with: Sx/So, Sx/Sp

Self-preservational

Sp/Sx more compatible with: Sp/Sx, Sx/Sp
Sp/So more compatible with: Sp/So

Social

So/Sp more compatible with: So/Sp, So/Sx
So/Sx more compatible with: So/Sx, So/Sp

I read another article on this recently but can't find it...

EDIT. Here it is. Enneagram Instinctual Subtypes
I think the bit about shifting to a different type when seeking a mate is interesting.

 

[Moiety]

I still dunno what these instinctual variants mean and say about us.

 

[Kasper]

Heh!

Sp/So more compatible with: Sp/So

So many choices!

I agree with what she wrote though. Esp:

The sp/so stacking is one of the most independent and least relationship-oriented. Being in relationships does not come naturally to them and can easily feel suffocated by too much intimacy or too much social demands. They're highly individualistic and self-reliant and it is more likely that on the long term they will come to appreciate and get along better with a very similar person, with very similar views and behavior.

My partner is most likely the same stacking and the similar desire for independence and lack of need for sx style closeness makes things easy.

In the past relationships with non sp's have resulted in my feeling suffocated and their feeling super frustrated. Naturally there are other things at play here, such as who they are, but the suffocation is a big thing for me that spells the end of anything. I believe a relationship with a sx would be more difficult, sp/so or so/sp would likely be the best options for me.

IOW, yes, I think similarity in instinctual variants are important.

 

[Amargith]

Interesting..I'm sx-so myself and I *think* my so is sp-sx. I do feel that the intensity between me and an sx-sp is even stronger (though the bond seems to be more fickle as well due to that..despite being very alluring), but overall I am especially drawn to the sp-quality as I so lack it. Other sx-so's are fun and grand as partners in crime, but...we'd so have trouble building a life together as neither of us would really care about how to take care of ourselves

I do however find that it helps for them to have some sx preference as sp-so's and so-sp's tend to look at me like

 

[Salomé]

Sx/sp or sp/sx are the only combinations that work for me. The so understanding of "relationship" seems to be driven more by external considerations that are peripheral or unimportant to me. Sx is all about the quality/intensity/exclusivity of the connection. I've sometimes wondered about the (to me) unfathomable way other people define relationships. I beginning to wonder if it's just a deep disconnect with the so-cial instinct.

 

[Moiety]

Okay, I've read some descriptions in the past, but can someone please describe to me what the variants mean as if I were an 8 year old? Pretty please? Sorry for the derail.

 

[Kasper]

Sexuals attract others without really trying. They also repel others in the same way, like an anti-pheromone. This works like a screening function in the mating process. People typically have a strong reaction one way or another towards Sx's, and vice versa.

Self Pres people instinctively avoid certain foods and environments, and are likewise drawn to those things that nourish and sustain them. Sp's have a strong reaction against things that threaten to harm their comfort or health.

Social is driven towards gaining protection and empowerment within larger entities.
Soc's typically react strongly against things which would jeopardize or displace their position or reputation.

Basically sx is about personal connection, sp is about material comfort and so is about social position.

 

[Moiety]

Thanks

Oh so I can scratch SO from my list then. Cool.
SP sounds kinda lame too, but less so.

I lol'ed at the anti-pheromone analogy. That explains a lot actually. I'm an SX/SP/SO...I like that. Makes the most sense.

 

[Kasper]

It's worth looking at them in relation to your enneagram too as they can present in pretty different manners depending on that: Eight stacks

 

[Moiety]

It's worth looking at them in relation to your enneagram too as they can present in pretty different manners depending on that: Eight stacks

This subtype is a very charismatic. They have a very assertive energy and they demand attention. The lust of the Eight combines with the sexual instinct to make one of the most fiery of the combinations of all of the enneatypes, especially if Seven is the dominant wing. Sexual/self-pres Eights aren’t afraid to tell you what they think. The "can do" attitude that the other subtypes have is now intertwined with an outward passionate storm of energy. The sexual/self-pres Eight will be similar to the self-pres/sex Eight with respect to interests and attachment to close friends and family, but the intensity level is augmented. Since the sexual instinct is first, these Eights usually don't let an opportunity pass by to connect with those they find interesting. They can sense the power in any situation and they like to challenge people. They can enjoy making others react to them, keeping others on their toes, to find out what makes them tick. They are likely to use humor to accomplish this. When sex/self-pres Eights are unbalanced, they are very quick to anger and have a difficult time controlling their impulses.

Meh, 8 descriptions are too overlapped with ETJ for my liking most of the time. Always make me sound like an overbearing prick (hey! stfu!). Wth are they talking about in the bolded part though. Lust as in...lust lust?

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

The only relationship I had been in ever in my life was with an extreme sx-dom and it ended pretty badly... I am just inept in expressing certain things. There is a possibility of a difference in variants leading to us being attracted to opposite aspects. However, blindspots that contradict with the other person can lead to possible challenges.

I have a lot of mixed inner turbulence about finding another one. If I find someone else, perhaps they should be a different variant stack than the last person. However, I am wondering if I was in a relationship with another sx-last, if they would be just as inept with getting to the point of connection as me.

 

[Keezuw]

I'm an sx/so who's also dating another sx/so. I've gotten people telling us that same IV couples are sort of toxic, especially if they're both sx-doms, but my partner and I are very happy together. We both satisfy each other's sx and so. At first we were kind of concerned about our sx's because we understand that it could possibly lead to intense infatuation and moving on really fast onto the next, but he assured me that "on the other hand if an sx/so stays around it probably means even more because they're staying around for love and putting aside their nature."



Froody, hello uwu

 

[rav3n]

This is one aspect of enneagram that I fully embrace. I think it's extremely important but not the sole reason for entering relationships. My husband and I have the same stacking of sx/sp so fewer explanations and compromises are needed.

 

[Keezuw]

This is one aspect of enneagram that I fully embrace. I think it's extremely important but not the sole reason for entering relationships. My husband and I have the same stacking of sx/sp so fewer explanations and compromises are needed.

That’s great ^^ Not sure why lots of people are against same IV couples. They feel like flipping the stack would benefit better, but I personally cannot imagine myself with another sp-dom or so-dom. I like them as friends, but for a romantic partner I need someone as “intense” as I am and I find that easy with sx-doms.

 

[Earl Grey]

Oh yeah, even before enneagram and IV, I noticed I basically looked for a lot of soc and a lot of sp, my own types.
I can't imagine being with a soc last or sp last, but soc last may still be a bit more bearable. sp is unnegotiable.

Depends on enneagram, too. For eg soc dom 6s are closer to nightmares to me.
Their strict, and if unhealthy, mindless following of a cause or structure can drive me mad.

 

[Saturnal Snowqueen]

I tend to click well with so/sps, if not other sp/sos. Sx users, it's cool that they want to get to know people deeper, but it feels like I could tell them my most embarrassing moments, my darkest fears, my wildest fantasies and my death count and they'll still find me shallow. With other sx blinds, there's just better flow of communication, no real barrier that either of us have to break through. I think SP might be most important to share for me, as I think my love style is pretty SP-blankets, food, massages-all that good stuff.

 

[RadicalDoubt]

In more intimate relationships, I actually tend to avoid other sp/so, with some of my closest intimates having been sx secondaries and occasionally so/sps. I like sp in others, but frankly attempting to become intimate or really engage with someone with a similar stacking to my own is like trying to mesh two bricks together. They're great friends for sure, but unless it's familial (ie. my mom is sp/so, but most of our closeness was born when she was in sx overfocus) I really find myself bored and uninterested since there is typically no desire to connect in a way I'd like to. Usually sx secondaries are far more likely to actually share information and connect? There's a part of me that's very much drawn to being completely open in that sense. I tend to attract those with terrible sp (being that I am so sp heavy), so there's a certain comfort in their energy and openness, even if their denial of sp things (or even their extreme level of openness) bewilders the hell out of me. This is probably because the openness isn't expected back.

I find enneagram type influences my compatibility with a person more than iv, and even then I'm not at all "attracted" to similarity. Other 6s drive me up the wall, 9w1's don't stick (but are often super pleasent), 3w4's are annoying as hell (especially when soc is involved in a high position). (Of course this is general; I do enjoy these types but just mentioned this as an aside because connecting strongly with them has always been quite difficult).