[ENFP] Do ENFPs Know the Meaning of Personal Space?

[Kibou-chan]

Are all ENFPs complete dunces when it comes to respecting the introvert's "bubble," or are the ones I know particularly dense?

I think I can express my questions and frustrations best in a narrative format.

About two weeks ago I met an ENFP guy while hanging out with a group of friends. As is expected when your functions are basically the same, just switched around a bit in order, we got along very well and started to become friends. Although I didn't see him too much after that, just every so often around campus, we talked for a bit whenever we saw each other and got along quite well, finding out we had a lot in common as far as interests and viewpoints on life. We didn't spend very much time together at all, though, just here and there around campus for a few minutes at a time.

Yesterday, since it was a Friday and my usual group of friends was mostly gone off campus, I decided to hang out with him and few other people that I've been meaning to get to know better, as well as my best friend at school (INFP) that I hadn't seen much of lately. This is where things really got out of hand. I mean, I suspected that he had been flirting with me before, but it got to crazy level of obviousness, especially when we started our Miyazaki "marathon" (by marathon I mean... two movies ).

HE. WOULD. NOT. STOP. TOUCHING. ME. He sat ridiculously close to me on the couch so our legs were pressed together. He leaned his head on my shoulder. He used my thigh as a pillow and rested his hand on my calf... which was bare because I was wearing shorts. He rested his hand on my knee for far too long a few times. Every time I sang along with the songs (the first movie we watched was Spirited Away, which is both my favorite movie and my one of my favorite albums), he would laugh, "You're so funny!" and try to hug me, which I would try to dodge to no avail. I scooted slightly away from him to both get away and give him a hint, and he merely scooted closer. Meanwhile my INFP best friend, sitting on my other side, had long since picked up on the ENFP's flirtiness and my psychic distress signals (communicated through both emotional vibes and sustained eye contact). He started trying to defend me by indirectly verbally attacking the ENFP, which resulted in a few tense, combative moments between them. It was all so dramatic and terribly uncomfortable. Luckilly I think the ENFP picked up on my prickliness once Princess Mononoke started, because he stopped trying to use me as a pillow and instead sat at a respectful and comfortable distance throughout the whole movie, not even touching me once. Yay.

The thing that really made me uncomfortable about it was that he didn't even bother to ask if I would be okay with it, which obviously, I wasn't, but since I have no backbone I couldn't say anything other than throwing vicious body language at him. I don't really know who's to blame here: the ENFP for being disrespectful of my space without asking, or me for not being more blunt about my discomfort. I don't have anything against the guy as a person. I like his personality. But it's major turn-off for me when someone assumes that they are now incorporated into my personal space just because we have friendship chemistry, even if we've spent barely any time together. If he had been more physically reserved as a whole, I would have been much more receptive to a few hugs here and there, but because he came on so strong all the time, all I could do was "run away from the bad stranger," so to speak. Plus, I'm not looking to date, so I wish he would have asked me that, as well, instead fawning all over me and expecting me to go with it.

I can see why, when you look at the functions, he would act this way. As a Fi-possessor, he's privy to the same ideals and romanticisms that I as an INFP am. But since he's Ne-dominant, he would be less reticent about acting it out in real life, whereas the INFP would be much more likely to keep it to themselves and let it work itself out in real time instead of forcing it.

I guess my big questions are: All all/most ENFPs like this when they're flirting? [I know another ENFP, and pretty much any girl you talk to will say he's made a move on them and it creeped them out, so perhaps it is a consistent trait...? He gave me a random shoulder rub once when I barely knew him, so yeah, I guess so. I thought it was kind of sweet, though, because other than that he never did anything to me.] What are other possible explanations for this behavior? How can I get the ENFP in question to back off and respect my "introvert space" without hurting him, preferably, because I'd like to be friends if possible? What other stories do you have about overly flirtatious ENFPs and what resulted from your experience, or even other types that might act this way?

 

[Wonkavision]

I have serious doubts that he's an ENFP.

Or at least, that this behavior is in no way particularly representative of ENFPs.

I think we typically moderate our extraversion to some extent, out of consideration for others.

I think we're generally VERY sensitive to people's boundaries, and VERY perceptive of their feelings--and therefore, very UNLIKELY to be so aggressive.

Maybe I'm just speaking for myself.


I'm looking forward to seeing what other ENFPs think about this.

 

[Thalassa]

I'll become very upset if someone invades my personal space, and by way of empathy am typically respectful of others' space. I guess I'm not an ENFP.

BTW, I *could* see this guy being ENFP...but I could also see him being ESFP or ExFJ, not enough info. Some people are just really touchy feely.

Next time say "stop fucking touching me." That should make him stop.

 

[Wild horses]

Can I Hug you.... REALLYREALLYREALLY tight and not let you go.... well at least for a little while!



Sure I know what personal space is.... but you're just so cute I just don't want to give you any

 

[Ratsimoan]

Not all enfps are flirtatious because I'm not. I'm good at determining if a person want personal space. In fact, I really invade people personal space. Just tell the guy he's invading your personal space, he'll understand if you say it in a kind way. You can only hurt his feeling if you act in a passive aggressive way because you're worried about hurting his feelings. Just tell him to cool out!

 

[Moiety]

Quite the opposite. I'm afraid to touch other people because I don't want to intrude in their personal space.

And as far as whose fault is it....obviously he is stupid...but it's yours too if you don't have any backbone. I can't even imagine someone touching me and me just letting that slip....and it's not because I'm an E...it's a matter of respect!

 

[Billy]

Hmmm, doesn't sound like any of the ENFPs I know. The ENFPs I know will touch you if you let them, but they're pretty clued in on body language and know when not to mess with you. I know I have issues with people touching me, especially my face, I think its apparent in the way I hold myself, I do believe in "the bubble". Most of the ENFPs I know pick up on that and don't violate it... well one did one time, we were also on LSD ahem... and he came on to me and tried to kiss me. That was sure awkward.

 

[rav3n]

Let me break your post down.

I was friendly with a guy where we had some laughs while flirting lightly with each other. Then, the flirtation level cranked up by quite a bit which was enjoyable. Then, he started physically flirting and I did nothing to stop him.

 

[ubee0173]

maybe hes just a crazy i, for one, am not touchy-feely at all (it kind of is creepy, like some people are just looking for an excuse to touch you) and can tell if someone is uncomfortable; empathy is supposed to be one of our major traits. i *used to* have a friend who was like that just to see what would happen. she was also an enfp- but she just didnt care about how she affected others- making people feel uncomfortable was a game for her... turns out she meets most of the DSM criteria for PSYCHOPATHY . only person i have ever 'friend dumped'. and yeah, im a flirt like every other enfp, but invading space like that is completley disrespectful- at least thats how i see it

 

[Kibou-chan]

Thanks for the input, guys. A lot of you have expressed doubts that he's an ENFP... He's definitely E, definitely N, and definitely F from what I know of him so far. He does give off a little bit of that overconfident ENTJ air (my INFP friend actually guessed that he was an ENTJ), but once you talk to him for a while it becomes apparent that he is feelings-driven. The only thing that remains in doubt is the P or J, and I haven't spent enough time with him to know for sure; however, I know a girl who is a textbook ENFJ, and from what I can tell they're not very alike, so I don't think he's a ENFJ, though my scope is limited on this type. He definitely seems more Fi than Fe to me, though there was one moment that very much surprised me where he correctly predicted what was going to happen next in the movie, which he had never seen before. Either the movie was predictable, he's a Ni-aux, or his shadow Ni was coming out.

Perhaps he is an ENFP, but was for some reason or other not picking up on my discomfort; either I wasn't expressing it enough (that could definitely be it... I can be pretty lenient and tend to internalize rather than express my feelings when it comes to people putting me through uncomfortable situations) or he wasn't tuning in enough. But my INFP friend, who wasn't even involved, had no problem picking up on what both of us were feeling! Probably because the ENF? was obviously showing his emotions, and as a fellow INFP and close friend he automatically knew what I was feeling. The ENF? may, as Wild horses said, have been so "blinded" by hormones that even though he may have picked up on my feelings, he just chose to ignore them. Actually, though, he did give in after a while... like I said, during the second movie he respected my bubble quite well. I think the whole first movie was just a test to see if he could break in to the bubble (which, of course, is not going to work... the more you push it, the more I pull back), and after he realized I wasn't going to let him in, he finally resigned himself to stop pushing and prodding and poking.

 

[Kibou-chan]

Let me break your post down.

I was friendly with a guy where we had some laughs while flirting lightly with each other. Then, the flirtation level cranked up by quite a bit which was enjoyable. Then, he started physically flirting and I did nothing to stop him.

Not at all. I never flirted with him and I don't understand where you are getting that from. I only wanted to be friends from the start. What, just because I'm female and he's male, the only interaction we can have with one another is romantically based? Platonic relationships are banned? Also, when the "flirtation level cranked up" on his part it was NOT enjoyable. It was uncomfortable and intrusive. That is the entire point of this post.

As to the "I did nothing to stop him" accusation, I must admit that you are on the right track. I didn't verbally ask him to stop, which is my fault, though he did mention that I didn't seem to like the hugs, and I told him that I didn't know him well enough to hug him. He ignored that and continued doing it. I also made it pretty clear through body language that I was not enjoying it. I stiffened, aimed my upper body away, slid away from him when possible, and tried in every way possible not to touch him. What part of that constitutes interest?

 

[Tiltyred]

Not at all. I never flirted with him and I don't understand where you are getting that from. I only wanted to be friends from the start. What, just because I'm female and he's male, the only interaction we can have with one another is romantically based? Platonic relationships are banned?

Most men don't set out to have a platonic relationship with a woman. So their default is romantic relationship and they interpret everything in that vein.

"Get off me" works, along with a good poke from the elbow...

 

[skylights]

i don't have any problem with the ENFP label here. we come in a wide variety of flavors...

anyway, it sounds like you know what the problem is pretty well. he was oblivious and you refused to say anything.

All all/most ENFPs like this when they're flirting?

no. touchy-feely probably; oblivious, no.

What are other possible explanations for this behavior?

he thinks you're cute and quiet. and you obviously are quiet. you probably wouldn't say anything if you liked it, since you didn't say anything when you didn't like it. so it's kind of a 50-50...

How can I get the ENFP in question to back off and respect my "introvert space" without hurting him, preferably, because I'd like to be friends if possible?

words are really useful. write a note if you don't want to say it in person.

 

[tortoise]

Very few men are looking for platonic relationships with women.

 

[Kibou-chan]

he thinks you're cute and quiet. and you obviously are quiet. you probably wouldn't say anything if you liked it, since you didn't say anything when you didn't like it. so it's kind of a 50-50...

I'm typically not a quiet person unless I'm uncomfortable (which I was), but I can definitely see what you're saying and why he might think I liked it at first because I wasn't protesting. The "ick" body language makes up for that, though.

I saw him walking around campus today when I was sitting on a bench with my friend. He was looking at his iPod screen and either didn't see me or ignored me. Either way, he walked right past me and didn't even acknowledge my existence there. Straaaaange. I think my next plan of action will be to see if he continues this behavior in the future, because he might have realized that I wasn't digging him and therefore will correct himself. If he does I'll let bygones be bygones and not bring it up, but if he doesn't I will definitely take all the advice that has been given and let him know that I'm not comfortable with that sort of advancement (or any potential romantic relationship).

As to the assertion that most men aren't interested in platonic relationships with women, I really don't agree with that stereotype. I have plenty of male friends who have never made any sort of move on me whatsoever, and no, they're not all gay or asexual... I have heterosexual male friends as well that have never flirted with me. For example, the INFP friend in the story is a male, and that would never, ever happen romantically. Even though we're great friends, we have never felt anything sexual or romantic for the other. Same thing for many other guys I know.

 

[skylights]

I'm typically not a quiet person unless I'm uncomfortable (which I was), but I can definitely see what you're saying and why he might think I liked it at first because I wasn't protesting. The "ick" body language makes up for that, though.

lol well, i meant it a little tongue-in-cheek. as if from his point of view, you know? like if you're not saying anything, then it's just a tossup anyway.

maybe this is an ENFP thing --> i have a hard time taking things at face value unless a person affirms them with words. if someone's acting weird, i'm not going to assume anything about why they're acting that way - i'd rather hear it from them, themselves. i think it's unfair to make assumptions otherwise, and i feel like since baseline human communication is through words, i trust words more than anything else. given, this guy seems to have a low awareness level in general, but maybe he kind of feels the same way. that you would say something if you felt the need to communicate, you know?

quite a few people (Ni/Fe especially) on these boards have told me this is a stupid way of looking at things, but i would prefer to assume less than assume more, you know? maybe this guy feels the same way, and in this case, it just happened to work to his advantage.

in any case, i'm all for just telling him, if he does it again. he seems dense but it doesn't sound like his intentions were bad, just oblivious.

 

[KDude]

In Socionics, difficulty gauging social/emotional space is an ENTP/ESTP thing. Not sure how much stock to put into that though.

edit: What I mean is, they have "Fi PoLR". Which basically means they don't even know their social position until actually testing it. Socionics is different, but there isn't much mixup between the types when it comes to ENTPs. What Fi PoLR would be in an ENTP is prodding people, sometimes in childish ways, sometimes just coming up with ideas, and regardless of the other person, they need to test what happens (this could apply to flirting tactics). Also, comfortable trolling or offending people, shocking them, pushing social boundaries, etc..

 

[animenagai]

I'm really touchy feely, but god knows I don't do that when I'm flirting. I do that heaps to friends, but that's because we're friends and I know I won't scare you off. I can't speak for all ENFP's but if this was me, it would be my way of having fun around a friend and not my way of flirting.

 

[Kibou-chan]

maybe this is an ENFP thing --> i have a hard time taking things at face value unless a person affirms them with words. if someone's acting weird, i'm not going to assume anything about why they're acting that way - i'd rather hear it from them, themselves. i think it's unfair to make assumptions otherwise, and i feel like since baseline human communication is through words, i trust words more than anything else. given, this guy seems to have a low awareness level in general, but maybe he kind of feels the same way. that you would say something if you felt the need to communicate, you know?

quite a few people (Ni/Fe especially) on these boards have told me this is a stupid way of looking at things, but i would prefer to assume less than assume more, you know? maybe this guy feels the same way, and in this case, it just happened to work to his advantage.

That makes a lot of sense when you put it that way. I like how you're not just writing him off as an incurable creeper, because I don't think he is. I like him as a person overall, and other than that he hasn't done anything wrong. I just didn't like what he was doing in that instance.

In Socionics, difficulty gauging social/emotional space is an ENTP/ESTP thing. Not sure how much stock to put into that though.

edit: What I mean is, they have "Fi PoLR". Which basically means they don't even know their social position until actually testing it. Socionics is different, but there isn't much mixup between the types when it comes to ENTPs. What Fi PoLR would be in an ENTP is prodding people, sometimes in childish ways, sometimes just coming up with ideas, and regardless of the other person, they need to test what happens (this could apply to flirting tactics). Also, comfortable trolling or offending people, shocking them, pushing social boundaries, etc..

I don't really know anything about Socionics, but I'm not sure that description totally applies to him. I don't think he was doing it to figure out where he stood or just to see how far he could go or what might happen... I think he honestly thought I liked it and he was getting somewhere with me, at least for the duration of the first movie, and then he finally figured out that I didn't like it and he wasn't getting anywhere. Of course, I don't know him that well and I don't know his inner workings, but to me he definitely seems like an F. I could see him not feeling bad about offending someone every once in a while if they were attacking his Fi values, but I think he's somewhat aware of social rules and his place in them. I think this was more a personal issue than a social one.

On the other hand, that description matches a past boyfriend of mine PERFECTLY. He tested as an xNTJ. Then again, that same test told me I was an INFJ with moderate J. So there ya go. Tests ought to be banned. :steam:

I'm really touchy feely, but god knows I don't do that when I'm flirting. I do that heaps to friends, but that's because we're friends and I know I won't scare you off. I can't speak for all ENFP's but if this was me, it would be my way of having fun around a friend and not my way of flirting.

I know exactly what you mean! I do the same thing with my close friends... Lots of hugging, playful smacking, poking, just touchiness in general. But the problem was that I didn't know him well enough to feel comfortable with him touching me. I had only known of his existence for two weeks and spent a max of 5 hours of face time with him, always in groups except for once when we walked from choir to dinner (5 minutes tops). Because he was imposing himself on me physically yesterday, I felt he was also trying to impose on me emotionally (saying WE ARE CLOSE FRIENDS NOW SO THIS IS OKAY) and that was not cool with me. I have to build up friendships at a comfortable and natural pace.

 

[KDude]

On the other hand, that description matches a past boyfriend of mine PERFECTLY. He tested as an xNTJ. Then again, that same test told me I was an INFJ with moderate J. So there ya go. Tests ought to be banned. :steam:.

That makes sense if he was. Many NTJs are ESTps in Socionics (although their lack of awareness isn't like the ENTPs.. It's more about testing your boundaries by simply being "direct").