[ISTP] ISTP - "friends with benefits" relationships

[countrygirl]

....My husband is ISTP and he just isn't like this, so it makes me wonder about the different types of ISTPs. My man is very lovey and committed, and proud to have a wife. Getting him to commit was indeed difficult and convoluted, but he is as into our relationship as any other husband, which seems in direct contrast to what I've heard 'stereotypical' ISTPs are like regarding relationships.

I think in general when an ISTP find the person that he (or she?) wants to marry then it is a done deal. Other than that, it's a day by day process until they make that decission.

 

[Rainne]

That is so bizarre. I had an ISTP guy tell me that once when i asked him what he wanted. He said, "A companion." I said, "Hah, that makes you sound like an old man--A companion?" He said, "Yeah, ya know, to travel with and just do things with." To me it sounds like a sexless roommate kinda deal, no offense.

My husband is ISTP and he just isn't like this, so it makes me wonder about the different types of ISTPs. My man is very lovey and committed, and proud to have a wife. Getting him to commit was indeed difficult and convoluted, but he is as into our relationship as any other husband, which seems in direct contrast to what I've heard 'stereotypical' ISTPs are like regarding relationships.

Good companions can turn into irreplaceable partners in crime.

 

[Rebe]

hi lasdf23,

i am sorry you were hurt. every experience is a lesson learned, truly. i hope you feel better soon. it really does take time to recover fully, but you will be back kicking enfj ass. istps go through unhealthy stages with relationships I feel. i know one that cheated on his gf of 3 years because he was curious or freaked out or something. i read somewhere that they hurt people to see how much they really care for them. socionics maybe. but whatever his deal was, it was in very bad taste and is unforgivable.

 

[sLiPpY]

hi lasdf23,

i am sorry you were hurt. every experience is a lesson learned, truly. i hope you feel better soon. it really does take time to recover fully, but you will be back kicking enfj ass. istps go through unhealthy stages with relationships I feel. i know one that cheated on his gf of 3 years because he was curious or freaked out or something. i read somewhere that they hurt people to see how much they really care for them. socionics maybe. but whatever his deal was, it was in very bad taste and is unforgivable.

hmm... Unhealthy stages? Well I have been through quite a few relationships that held unhealthy stages for me.

Mostly, I start feeling clostrophobic...don't know how to describe it really.

Seems to center around a visceral repulsion in not wanting to be assimilated like the Borg. If a woman goes into Borg mode, I'm very likely to freak out and assert myself free spirit style.

In that aspect, I've been told that "I'm hopelessly untrainable."

 

[countrygirl]

hmm... Unhealthy stages? Well I have been through quite a few relationships that held unhealthy stages for me.

Mostly, I start feeling clostrophobic...don't know how to describe it really.

Seems to center around a visceral repulsion in not wanting to be assimilated like the Borg. If a woman goes into Borg mode, I'm very likely to freak out and assert myself free spirit style.

In that aspect, I've been told that "I'm hopelessly untrainable."

And I can't help but to look at your avatar!

I've always found that concept of 'trainning men' repulsive. That's what mommies are for.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

That is so bizarre. I had an ISTP guy tell me that once when i asked him what he wanted. He said, "A companion." I said, "Hah, that makes you sound like an old man--A companion?" He said, "Yeah, ya know, to travel with and just do things with." To me it sounds like a sexless roommate kinda deal, no offense.

Ha! Someone just asked me I said, "Just someone to do stuff with and hang out and have great sex with". He says, "So a relationship". I was like, "Not necessarily. Like, a companion." He's like, "That's a relationship." I didn't say anything after that because I didn't feel like talking about it further.

I don't know why but I wouldn't define it as such. Like as long as that person is cool with me and shows me respect - they could do whatever they want as long as us two have an understanding and good rapport then the rest doesn't matter. Including exclusivity. That's not to say that that kind of dynamic wouldn't lead to exclusivity but it's not the first thing on the list to check off.

 

[Bamboo]

Ha! Someone just asked me I said, "Just someone to do stuff with and hang out and have great sex with". He says, "So a relationship". I was like, "Not necessarily. Like, a companion." He's like, "That's a relationship." I didn't say anything after that because I didn't feel like talking about it further.

I don't know why but I wouldn't define it as such. Like as long as that person is cool with me and shows me respect - they could do whatever they want as long as us two have an understanding and good rapport then the rest doesn't matter. Including exclusivity. That's not to say that that kind of dynamic wouldn't lead to exclusivity but it's not the first thing on the list to check off.

You wrote my thoughts.

'Ditto.'

 

[Rainne]

I think every ISTP deep down insides wants to go on an adventure, travel and explore the world.

For every adventure, you need to have a trusty sidekick. Preferably a sexy one who can keep up.

 

[toast]

Ha! Someone just asked me I said, "Just someone to do stuff with and hang out and have great sex with". He says, "So a relationship". I was like, "Not necessarily. Like, a companion." He's like, "That's a relationship." I didn't say anything after that because I didn't feel like talking about it further.

I don't know why but I wouldn't define it as such. Like as long as that person is cool with me and shows me respect - they could do whatever they want as long as us two have an understanding and good rapport then the rest doesn't matter. Including exclusivity. That's not to say that that kind of dynamic wouldn't lead to exclusivity but it's not the first thing on the list to check off.

Well, damn. My ISTP & I have had arguments about this (god, isn't that stupid), where he just keeps telling me I'm wrong when I say he wants a play mate and I want a soul mate. I've even used the word "companion" before and he gets so offended like I'm calling him shallow. Why on Earth would he deny it? It usually comes up when I am talking about how we 'want what we want' and can't really change that. I guess he feels I'm being judgmental so he wants me to be wrong regardless of what I'm saying? I truly have always felt that he wants a sort of sidekick. Someone totally into him but independent enough that he was always third on their list of priorities (after his passions & his identity). Like he just wants someone to do what they want, like he does, but really close to him. I want someone to be "with me." I want our lives to be two things but coming together in places so they are revolving around the both of us together. That is not his way of looking at it. I hate that idea I get of him, like this James Bond vibe where the 'love of his life' has to have so much of her 'own thing' that she could just up and leave him at any time, because he's that way, and things have to be 'fair.' Believe it or not, to me, it seems unrealistic, because I feel like 'one foot out' or 'all in' are both a choice. He seems to claim 'all in', but that's not, in reality, the choice he's making day by day. If I'm looking at this all wrong, chime in.

He's big on exclusivity though. He can be so jealous, but that's likely insecurity.

 

[mcmartinez84]

You wrote my thoughts.

'Ditto.'

Yeah, pretty much +1.

I think every ISTP deep down insides wants to go on an adventure, travel and explore the world.

For every adventure, you need to have a trusty sidekick. Preferably a sexy one who can keep up.

Sidekicks are perfect! I know the feeling, that's for sure. I like to do stuff with other people. Friends are good for this 'cause you know you'll probably still like them by the time the next adventure comes around. Significant others.....oy vey. Shit happens and you'll end up a little miserable or not doing anything at all at some point. It gets complicated.

 

[StephMC]

Yeah, pretty much +1.


Sidekicks are perfect! I know the feeling, that's for sure. I like to do stuff with other people. Friends are good for this 'cause you know you'll probably still like them by the time the next adventure comes around. Significant others.....oy vey. Shit happens and you'll end up a little miserable or not doing anything at all at some point. It gets complicated.

+1 for this and almost every one of the past 10 posts. Lol.

Relationships are overrated. And yes, I do just want a sexy companion/sidekick who I can go on adventures with all over the world and have great sex with. If he's a culinary genius, that's a plus too.

 

[mcmartinez84]

If he's a culinary genius, that's a plus too.

Definitely a plus!!!

 

[Rebe]

Well, damn. My ISTP & I have had arguments about this (god, isn't that stupid), where he just keeps telling me I'm wrong when I say he wants a play mate and I want a soul mate. I've even used the word "companion" before and he gets so offended like I'm calling him shallow. Why on Earth would he deny it? It usually comes up when I am talking about how we 'want what we want' and can't really change that. I guess he feels I'm being judgmental so he wants me to be wrong regardless of what I'm saying? I truly have always felt that he wants a sort of sidekick. Someone totally into him but independent enough that he was always third on their list of priorities (after his passions & his identity). Like he just wants someone to do what they want, like he does, but really close to him. I want someone to be "with me." I want our lives to be two things but coming together in places so they are revolving around the both of us together. That is not his way of looking at it. I hate that idea I get of him, like this James Bond vibe where the 'love of his life' has to have so much of her 'own thing' that she could just up and leave him at any time, because he's that way, and things have to be 'fair.' Believe it or not, to me, it seems unrealistic, because I feel like 'one foot out' or 'all in' are both a choice. He seems to claim 'all in', but that's not, in reality, the choice he's making day by day. If I'm looking at this all wrong, chime in.

My ISTP and I had the same argument. And I look at it the same way as you.

 

[Rainne]

My ISTP and I had the same argument. And I look at it the same way as you.

lol a 'soul mate'

 

[seamaid]

I truly have always felt that he wants a sort of sidekick. Someone totally into him but independent enough that he was always third on their list of priorities (after his passions & his identity). Like he just wants someone to do what they want, like he does, but really close to him. I want someone to be "with me." I want our lives to be two things but coming together in places so they are revolving around the both of us together. That is not his way of looking at it. I hate that idea I get of him, like this James Bond vibe where the 'love of his life' has to have so much of her 'own thing' that she could just up and leave him at any time, because he's that way, and things have to be 'fair.' Believe it or not, to me, it seems unrealistic, because I feel like 'one foot out' or 'all in' are both a choice. He seems to claim 'all in', but that's not, in reality, the choice he's making day by day. If I'm looking at this all wrong, chime in.

Totally understand where you're coming from. I too am perplexed by this 2 very independent, self-centered people having the perfect (for ISTP) relationship. How is that possible? Wouldn't you eventually drift apart?

But I think you're right... ISTPs get off on their SO's "up and leave anytime" independence. They like the tension, I think. They just prefer for things to be exciting in that way. Maybe they like *having* to win you over again and again... the challenge of it. To perform using their charm and confidence is fulfilling to them. It's how they see their worth.

ETA: On a related note, my ISTP has been recommending that I read Ayn Rand's The Virtue of Selfishness. Could be enlightening.

 

[mcmartinez84]

I truly have always felt that he wants a sort of sidekick. Someone totally into him but independent enough that he was always third on their list of priorities (after his passions & his identity). Like he just wants someone to do what they want, like he does, but really close to him. I want someone to be "with me." I want our lives to be two things but coming together in places so they are revolving around the both of us together. That is not his way of looking at it. I hate that idea I get of him, like this James Bond vibe where the 'love of his life' has to have so much of her 'own thing' that she could just up and leave him at any time, because he's that way, and things have to be 'fair.' Believe it or not, to me, it seems unrealistic, because I feel like 'one foot out' or 'all in' are both a choice. He seems to claim 'all in', but that's not, in reality, the choice he's making day by day. If I'm looking at this all wrong, chime in.

He's big on exclusivity though. He can be so jealous, but that's likely insecurity.

1st - I don't want to take care of anyone. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, tyvm.

2nd - my ESTP friend was like this with me. His gf (now fiancee) hasn't ever liked me a whole lot...

3rd - it totally IS unrealistic, but we want what we want, right? I've mostly come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never find exactly what I'm looking for (this "companion" or "sidekick" ideal). I'm sure pairings like this exist somewhere, and maybe somewhere on this planet there's someone who'd pair up with me like that...but the odds of finding someone that this would work with are so slim that I've kiiiiinda moved past it. I still want it, but I have little hope of finding it.

 

[rhinosaur]

But I think you're right... ISTPs get off on their SO's "up and leave anytime" independence. They like the tension, I think. They just prefer for things to be exciting in that way. Maybe they like *having* to win you over again and again... the challenge of it. To perform using their charm and confidence is fulfilling to them. It's how they see their worth.

I don't know about what you're talking about. I just like things low maintenance.

 

[Bamboo]

^FWIW, it made sense to me. I don't agree with it entirely. I do like the idea that they can get up and go and pursue their own desires because then I'm not holding them down and I don't want to do that to people. I also like the concept that they want to be with me because they actually like me, not because their circumstances force them to be.

That said, I'm unlikely to fall really hard for a strongly independent woman who is also very fickle or highly unpredictable - I'd like a partner who I can rely on to some extent, or at least get some idea that there is going to be a "return" on my investment of emotions, time, and energy (that won't just vanish without a trace).

Most other similarly self-centered and honest individuals fit the bill, because they play by the same rules.

 

[toast]

I realize because I'm a very strong enfj who is currently closer than anyone else in the world to an istp, I tend to see us at two ends of a 'typology spectrum' in a sense of extremes. I know there is some truth to it though. I really feel like both ideals: "soul mate" for life; "play mate" for life are unrealistic in that relationships are emergent. They could feel like one of those for a period of time, and perhaps even on and off, but will never be either. my problem though is that i find meaning in dreams & pretense. I want to "play" soul mates for a time, because i am rational enough to see that the result of that would mean to me that we are in a sense, & then we would, by default be "play mates."

The J in me 'expects' a relationship to have a bit of both, but in a sort of pattern. There's a butterfly phase then a comfort phase. I almost feel like, while less intense, its the Istps unwritten goal to do this backwards. This breeds too much insecurity for me, and perhaps anxiety & discomfort for him.

I've actually heard him say he gets "butterflies" in retrospect, when he's feeling comfortable & secure about us. This friggen baffles me.

 

[sLiPpY]

Where do people get this idea that we are somehow not complete unless we are connected to another person? What are we? An electrical outlet waiting for a plug, so we can finally light up the world?

Every time I hear the term "soul mate" I shudder. Each time one gets triggered with shenpa, we’re being asked to grow beyond our normal limiting beliefs and discover a deeper cavern of peace at the very core of our being.

So in essense every one we encounter in life is a "soul mate." Most of our soul mates are idiots, and therefore our best teachers.

sLiPpY's School of ISTP Zen is sojourn for the day.