CandyCane11
New member
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2013
- Messages
- 21
It has been three months since we've spoken. He won't really answer me. I sent one email that was an "I wish I had understood you better...I should have...." and then five easy going/light/funny texts. He did reply in emojis to the fourth one.
The backstory:
We began talking online through social media. I liked him instantly. I could tell he had an interest. We laughed a lot. But he didn't ask me out. My friends were all telling me to ask him out, but I had had a bad breakup 9 months before and wanted to ensure I was completely over it because this guy was special. So I kept it at friendship. I was feeling close to ready and after five months of fun consistent conversations, he lets it out that he has feelings for me. Apparently, he had also had a bad breakup too, not too long after mine. The difference is that his relationship was SIX years long. I asked him over and over again if he was ready. He said he was. We were going to have a date, but some things happened with his job that held it up. We talked for another two months and got really close. We finally went out and had an amazing time. The following week, we talked about some future things and when we'd see each other again.
About a week later, he was distant. I asked him what was wrong. He told me we had to stop things. He said he had relived the time we spent together and how well it went, how well it would continue to go, and he thought, "what if this ends?" And he suddenly had intense anxiety not wanting to go through the pain of a breakup again. He said I was perfect for him and that he thought of me all the time but maybe we should stop talking. He cried, and I cried, and I asked if we could just be friends, but he said he couldn't turn off his emotions like that. We didn't make any decisions though I offered to give him space which he thought was a good idea, but he didn't take it and kept talking to me.
Long story short, things went downhill quickly. He withdrew but would come around. Was cold but emotional. I found out he started dating in a very shallow way. I think he was trying to distance himself from me. He told me he wanted to go numb. We had numerous conversations about it all, and I know he tried to be honest about all of it (we are both fairly mature in our 30s). The conversations became draining and he got annoyed with me and told me I was being judgmental and no longer understanding him (as opposed to how he told me I understood him so well). I tried to stop talking to him about a week before I actually did. He thought I was trying to get him to chase me, but I was really just trying to stop the pain and confusion on my end. When I confirmed he was dating, I let all the frustrating emotions out on him. Not in a mean way, but more in a "how could you do this to me? That was just cruel" kind of way. He got mad. We both said we were done. I removed him from social media online.
After my anger settled, I tried to truly understand and see where he was and what transpired. I feel like I got a good picture of it. I sent him the email that was essentially an apology. I didn't conclude anything ("let's talk again" etc). I found out he seemed to be doing better and I know he longs for the same type of relationship I do but needs things incredibly slow. I'd really just like to talk to him again. After the email a few weeks later I sent a funny text of something that reminded me of him. I have sent a few more, spaced quite a bit apart. I did get the one tiny response. My messages never ask for anything in return. And I don't complain that he doesn't respond. We reconnected a bit on social media. I took that as he wasn't mad. He's kind of drifted off of there though in the last month.
I don't want to pressure or force him (I've had that done to me and it's awful). I don't want him to feel bad or anxious. I don't want to start any serious conversations with him. I don't need to talk about what happened. And I don't need anything emotional from him. I really would just like to talk to him again....even if as friends or even if very slowly...just to know how he is doing occasionally. And maybe I face being ignored sometimes, and that is okay. I don't know if that is the right thing to do though or if I make things worse. I just care about him a lot.
I'd appreciate any INFP thoughts. Have you ever been in this place? What is the best way to handle it?
The backstory:
We began talking online through social media. I liked him instantly. I could tell he had an interest. We laughed a lot. But he didn't ask me out. My friends were all telling me to ask him out, but I had had a bad breakup 9 months before and wanted to ensure I was completely over it because this guy was special. So I kept it at friendship. I was feeling close to ready and after five months of fun consistent conversations, he lets it out that he has feelings for me. Apparently, he had also had a bad breakup too, not too long after mine. The difference is that his relationship was SIX years long. I asked him over and over again if he was ready. He said he was. We were going to have a date, but some things happened with his job that held it up. We talked for another two months and got really close. We finally went out and had an amazing time. The following week, we talked about some future things and when we'd see each other again.
About a week later, he was distant. I asked him what was wrong. He told me we had to stop things. He said he had relived the time we spent together and how well it went, how well it would continue to go, and he thought, "what if this ends?" And he suddenly had intense anxiety not wanting to go through the pain of a breakup again. He said I was perfect for him and that he thought of me all the time but maybe we should stop talking. He cried, and I cried, and I asked if we could just be friends, but he said he couldn't turn off his emotions like that. We didn't make any decisions though I offered to give him space which he thought was a good idea, but he didn't take it and kept talking to me.
Long story short, things went downhill quickly. He withdrew but would come around. Was cold but emotional. I found out he started dating in a very shallow way. I think he was trying to distance himself from me. He told me he wanted to go numb. We had numerous conversations about it all, and I know he tried to be honest about all of it (we are both fairly mature in our 30s). The conversations became draining and he got annoyed with me and told me I was being judgmental and no longer understanding him (as opposed to how he told me I understood him so well). I tried to stop talking to him about a week before I actually did. He thought I was trying to get him to chase me, but I was really just trying to stop the pain and confusion on my end. When I confirmed he was dating, I let all the frustrating emotions out on him. Not in a mean way, but more in a "how could you do this to me? That was just cruel" kind of way. He got mad. We both said we were done. I removed him from social media online.
After my anger settled, I tried to truly understand and see where he was and what transpired. I feel like I got a good picture of it. I sent him the email that was essentially an apology. I didn't conclude anything ("let's talk again" etc). I found out he seemed to be doing better and I know he longs for the same type of relationship I do but needs things incredibly slow. I'd really just like to talk to him again. After the email a few weeks later I sent a funny text of something that reminded me of him. I have sent a few more, spaced quite a bit apart. I did get the one tiny response. My messages never ask for anything in return. And I don't complain that he doesn't respond. We reconnected a bit on social media. I took that as he wasn't mad. He's kind of drifted off of there though in the last month.
I don't want to pressure or force him (I've had that done to me and it's awful). I don't want him to feel bad or anxious. I don't want to start any serious conversations with him. I don't need to talk about what happened. And I don't need anything emotional from him. I really would just like to talk to him again....even if as friends or even if very slowly...just to know how he is doing occasionally. And maybe I face being ignored sometimes, and that is okay. I don't know if that is the right thing to do though or if I make things worse. I just care about him a lot.
I'd appreciate any INFP thoughts. Have you ever been in this place? What is the best way to handle it?
