[INFP] INFP Guy Chasing ENFP lady

[ordinance]

Hey Dudes,

I'm new to this forum but I wanted some advice on my situation so here it goes.

So basically me (INFP) and this ENFP lady started hanging out about 6 months ago and we got pretty good chemistry going.
We hang out once or even twice a week at times.
She being ENFP would argue that she has good chemistry with every other person ( which I think is fair enough to say )

So it came to a point where I started liking her and I considered dating her after some time.
So I decided to buy her flowers, take her out for dinner and get my act together.
Told her she was kinda like sunshine and I pretty much liked her quirkiness and shared common interests. We are both in our 30s by the way.

Now, here comes the tricky part. So I found out she liked another dude, probably with a TJ temperament. ( He isn't a concern or competition for me )
So I told her, hey lets cool off and take some time to slowly think about it.

So 3 weeks passed on and I text her and she responded like this.

She said she found herself not thinking of me and not considering me made her really upset.
She said I deserve someone better than her ( which I read either as a polite way of declining me or she has some issues about her own self image )
I kinda actually got pissed by that remark really..
Then she repeats herself again that she doesn't want to consider 'us" as this made her very upset that she isn't considering me.

So after her response I said, hey can we like meet up to talk or chat? Help me understand why you're feeling this frustration and being upset about yourself.
Unfortunately she went ballistic with my text and told me I was making her even more upset by doing that. ( which i am totally puzzled now? )

Like how does the above make sense to you guys?
So basically she's frustrated for not liking me and it upsets her, and my attempt for a clarification upsets her further? hokay?

So I am contemplating using a more INTP approach to sort things out but she is just so emotional at the moment.
I would like to have a face to face conversation but I don't really know if she's up to it at the moment really.
I would think INFPs are less confrontational but it really got to a point of frustration when she's acting like this
Something tells me she is pretty conflicted and emotional about her response and that makes me feel uncertain about turning me down.

ENFP ladies and INFP dudes, any suggestions as to what I should do? I'm really getting mixed signals about this though we have really good relationship.
We've been friends for about 3 years prior to us hanging out this much recently.
So while I don't think there is one better approach? Should I actually pursue a conversation or just be a nice INFP and wait it out till she comes talking to me.
Anyway, I'm not sure if she is already in the escape mode. But perhaps some TJ perspective would help chill things a little.
We do meet monthly at some common gatherings but that's all. She's pretty much ignored me during our cool off time for I don't know whatever reason and that's kinda drove me nuts

Like Sheesh, I just gave her flowers and asked her to date and she thinks we're getting married with her infinite flow of ideas. Did she seriously get cold feet?
So, i kinda would like to bring things back down to earth since it went ballistic to the stratosphere now.
Well, i mean I like her, and I think we should pull back a little coz she is just freaking out right now.

Cheers,
Zane

 

[five sounds]

Ok I'm just gonna throw this out there. Flowers and dinner dates are NOT my preferred way to be wooed. I like things to feel natural, relaxed, like best friends with sexual tension. I get the feeling that she might have turned when you decided to do the "I'm gonna date you" thing.

Maybe try no strategy. You said you were friends with her previously. Try to just friend it up. It's a lot easier for me to fall into a relationship than feel pressured to accept or decline one.

 

[ordinance]

Ok I'm just gonna throw this out there. Flowers and dinner dates are NOT my preferred way to be wooed. I like things to feel natural, relaxed, like best friends with sexual tension. I get the feeling that she might have turned when you decided to do the "I'm gonna date you" thing.

Maybe try no strategy. You said you were friends with her previously. Try to just friend it up. It's a lot easier for me to fall into a relationship than feel pressured to accept or decline one.

Hey Five, I appreciate the feedback.

If I may ask, do you think she's rational about her decision? I couldn't read it as a clear no. I really don't wanna over speculate coz INFPs would do that till the cows came home. It sounded conflicted to me rather than a clear resounding no?

So you think calling her out or texting would be better? I'm conflicted between my on NF or TJ approach.
I wonder if it would be a problem if the situation went absolutely cold.

Btw, I like the verses from your signature.

Zane.

 

[Poki]

Hey Five, I appreciate the feedback.

If I may ask, do you think she's rational about her decision? I couldn't read it as a clear no. I really don't wanna over speculate coz INFPs would do that till the cows came home. It sounded conflicted to me rather than a clear resounding no?

So you think calling her out or texting would be better? I'm conflicted between my on NF or TJ approach.
I wonder if it would be a problem if the situation went absolutely cold.

Btw, I like the verses from your signature.

Zane.

I guess the real question is...whats the best way to get her to dig into why she is upset.

 

[ordinance]

I guess the real question is...whats the best way to get her to dig into why she is upset.

Well, I'm waiting for a chance to hear from her or communicate that to her.
I pretty much would like to confront the situation, funny how I'm an INFP but I'm not sure if that would just result in the doorslam treatment of ENFPs

 

[five sounds]

Hey Five, I appreciate the feedback.

If I may ask, do you think she's rational about her decision? I couldn't read it as a clear no. I really don't wanna over speculate coz INFPs would do that till the cows came home. It sounded conflicted to me rather than a clear resounding no?

So you think calling her out or texting would be better? I'm conflicted between my on NF or TJ approach.
I wonder if it would be a problem if the situation went absolutely cold.

Btw, I like the verses from your signature.

Zane.

Calling her out?

Look ENFPs aren't great at being immediately aware of the why of their feelings. It's probably something she'd need to talk out with a friend in order to figure out. She's probably surprised at her reaction, sees you as a good guy, and is having difficulty reconciling those feelings.

I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world for it to 'go cold' for a while. Honestly I came into this thread initially cuz the title said "chasing ENFP" and it gave me instant anxiety. If she doesn't like the implied pressure of formal dating rituals, imagine how she feels with the pressure that comes from someone hounding you with different approaches and questions after you've tried to put some space into the situation for your own emotional sake.

I don't like to be chased. I don't like to be treated like a *lady* being wooed by a *gentleman*. I like to be organically appreciated for who I am. She might need some time to get that image of you as a pursuer and source of stress out of her head so she can see you for you again. Do you know what I mean??

 

[Verona]

I'm confused about why she is upset too. Did she become cool towards you after you tried dating her or after you told her you guys should cool off because you thought she liked the TJ guy?

I don't do well with ambiguity like that so I would probably ask her if she wants to just be friends or if she wants to work through her feelings and try having a relationship.

I don't like confrontations as an NFP but I do like clarity so I am willing to be direct to figure out what is going on in a situation.

 

[Grand Admiral Crunch]

ENFP's are fun, but draining. I think she will always have some drama like this and be sucking you into it. The younger me would enjoy that. Current me cares less about adventure and more about me and my feelings. In the long term, I think it is a bad match.

 

[ordinance]

Calling her out?

Look ENFPs aren't great at being immediately aware of the why of their feelings. It's probably something she'd need to talk out with a friend in order to figure out. She's probably surprised at her reaction, sees you as a good guy, and is having difficulty reconciling those feelings.

I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world for it to 'go cold' for a while. Honestly I came into this thread initially cuz the title said "chasing ENFP" and it gave me instant anxiety. If she doesn't like the implied pressure of formal dating rituals, imagine how she feels with the pressure that comes from someone hounding you with different approaches and questions after you've tried to put some space into the situation for your own emotional sake.

I don't like to be chased. I don't like to be treated like a *lady* being wooed by a *gentleman*. I like to be organically appreciated for who I am. She might need some time to get that image of you as a pursuer and source of stress out of her head so she can see you for you again. Do you know what I mean??

Five from your experience, and I don't think there is a definite answer, what in your opinion is a reasonable time to chill? I guess me being an INFP I'm pretty cool letting things settle down. You'd think 3 months or more would be decent time?

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

Sometimes ENFP and ESFP only need more space. That is difficult for a partner because EXFP want your admiration, attention, energy, and are able to give a lot of them.

But at the same time... some of us think commitment is a real pain the ass.

Clarification can offend me too for many reasons if I don't trust the person yet. He could be taking some power over me or be trying to manipulate me...


Should I actually pursue a conversation or just be a nice INFP and wait it out till she comes talking to me.

NO. If she is a wild one you will loose that girl. Mainly if she is "dominant"...


Maybe you could let some time between that lady and yourself. After 10 days you'll be back with a joke or propose her to go to some movie she would

probably enjoy a lot. Last advise : No drama when you write her.

A bit more risky but very nice : try to create something for her, some drawing, something made by the care of your own hands.

ENFP do have an artistic tendency...

If those methods don't work. Then, you'll let drop that story.

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

Calling her out?

Look ENFPs aren't great at being immediately aware of the why of their feelings. It's probably something she'd need to talk out with a friend in order to figure out. She's probably surprised at her reaction, sees you as a good guy, and is having difficulty reconciling those feelings.

I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world for it to 'go cold' for a while. Honestly I came into this thread initially cuz the title said "chasing ENFP" and it gave me instant anxiety. If she doesn't like the implied pressure of formal dating rituals, imagine how she feels with the pressure that comes from someone hounding you with different approaches and questions after you've tried to put some space into the situation for your own emotional sake.

I don't like to be chased. I don't like to be treated like a *lady* being wooed by a *gentleman*. I like to be organically appreciated for who I am. She might need some time to get that image of you as a pursuer and source of stress out of her head so she can see you for you again. Do you know what I mean??

I see what you mean...

 

[ordinance]

I'm confused about why she is upset too. Did she become cool towards you after you tried dating her or after you told her you guys should cool off because you thought she liked the TJ guy?

I don't do well with ambiguity like that so I would probably ask her if she wants to just be friends or if she wants to work through her feelings and try having a relationship.

I don't like confrontations as an NFP but I do like clarity so I am willing to be direct to figure out what is going on in a situation.

Nah, I suggested that we should cool off. It's nothing related to the other dude really.
She can do what she wants. I'm pretty sure she likes the TJ dude and somehow she's conflicted somewhere since I came into the picture too... perhaps

I guess im hearing from an INFP. Since the non-clarity would drive me crazy.

 

[five sounds]

Five from your experience, and I don't think there is a definite answer, what in your opinion is a reasonable time to chill? I guess me being an INFP I'm pretty cool letting things settle down. You'd think 3 months or more would be decent time?

Yeah I think that's got everything to do with what she's doing in that time. This is pretty weird advice but do you have a way to stalk her life a little bit? Social media? Like if she is able to go through a time where she feels free and able to process some of her feelings off, the other side of that would be prime time to come back in a chill way. Not sure if she's one for relationships overall, but for me I'm picturing a period of enjoying little flings and time with friends where we talk about our feelings and shit. On the other end of that would be the best time for an actually cool good guy who I know and like but kinda put off to charmingly and unassumingly meander into my life.

Cuz it's like an Ne-Si thing. Like once you're done letting your Ne go all over the place, you're ready for some familiar comfort (aka you aka si)

 

[ZNP-TBA]

I wonder how good looking this woman is?

You said she's in her 30s, is she divorced, separated, have children?

Her reaction to you would've have turned me off and I'd have moved on.

 

[five sounds]

Also it's good she kept it open. That prolly means exactly what it sounds like, a maybe. I can imagine full long relationships with so many rando crushes from over the years. She prolly sees potential in you but got a little freaked out.

Also for reference I'm 30 so we're close to the same age ish.

 

[ordinance]

I wonder how good looking this woman is?

You said she's in her 30s, is she divorced, separated, have children?

Her reaction to you would've have turned me off and I'd have moved on.

She's decent. Nope, she's single. Her last relationship was probably about 3 - 4 years ago. ( But it was a bad break and she was heartbroken )

 

[ZNP-TBA]

Also you said you've been friends for 3 years. In 3 years have you noticed any interest of hers in you beyond friendship? I mean if she was comfortable and used to you being a friend for 3 years and then suddenly gets approached I could see how that would be a little unexpected and even a bit odd from her perspective.

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

This is pretty weird advice but do you have a way to stalk her life a little bit? Social media?

Spying ENFP ....


He will get obsessed with her shoeprints :whew:

 

[ZNP-TBA]

She's decent. Nope, she's single. Her last relationship was probably about 3 - 4 years ago. ( But it was a bad break and she was heartbroken )

On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being highest attractiveness, what would you rate her?

If you did end up getting together would she be the best looking girlfriend you've had thus far?

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being highest attractiveness, what would you rate her?

If you did end up getting together would she be the best looking girlfriend you've had thus far?

Maybe that nice boy, [MENTION=27948]ordinance[/MENTION], isn't only interested about boobs, ass, pretty lips

It is still possible that this girl has some peculiar qualities...