So was mine.I am wary of getting into romantic relationships. My dad was abusive, and my mom divorced him when I was little. I'm detail-oriented. I focus on compatibility a lot. I guess I don't want to end up like my parents.And I don't like to see that I've hurt people, so I keep things firmly in the friend arena with guys.
He's a big boy.Now I'm getting mixed reviews from the people posting on this forum. It might be okay to hang out with him (he and his roommates propound it to me and some of you say it's fine), but alternately, he could get very hurt. I guess I might have to just ignore this friendship 'till he finds someone, as cheeseburger-poster sd. Sometimes I wish none of this romantic interest had happened. I wish we were just platonic friends the whole time. He's so great. I don't want to lose his friendship. But our getting along so well is why we became interested in each other. I've tried to limit my seeing him. He lives with a bunch of my guy friends. He told me that he didn't think I should be anywhere but there, so I started hanging out again. Crap.
I agree with you, CC, that this is a great pairing. It feels better than maybe any other interaction I've had personality-wise.
I just don't want to be like my dad (who hurt my mom)--that's been one of the driving forces in my life. That's why I'm pretty hesitant.
Um, I'd say we hurt each other in my only relationship. I shouldn't have stayed with my boyfriend, but I was young. I met him when I was 15 and stayed with him for 5 years. ISTPs are loyal. We were both immature and wanted to be in a relationship.We were looking at it through rose-colored glasses. We tried to ignore what wasn't working. I finally started to break it off with him b/c he disrespected women so deeply, and I hated that.It was hard for me b/c I felt a misplaced sense of loyalty. He freaked and said he'd change and didn't want to lose me. He proposed to me three days later, and, even though I didn't want to get married 'till I was like 30 or even older, I sd 'yes.' I felt like saying 'yes' was somehow tied up with forgiving him and accepting him. That was a mistake. I went against what was best for both of us b/c I was going along with what he wanted. I was very young relationship-wise at 19. I didn't love him enough.That was wrong of me. I am very ashamed of it. When he sd he'd change, I thought "maybe we can have what I thought was 'meant to be.'" I didn't have good examples of what good relationships were like. Oh, we're not still together btw. He left me 14 months ago.
you could try this another way. hang out with him a lot, then go party with him. when you've both had a little to drink, you'll both realize just how much you want each other and then you'll hop on, realizing religion doesn't matter.
seriously, though, CC is right (as usual it seems about these kinds of things) and he is a big boy. if he says to go hang out with him, then go for it, he asked for it. he probably values your friendship enough ( and I can see why if you get along as well as you claim) to put the feelings he has for you aside and just enjoy hanging out with you.
but don't be surprised if he tries to charm you into changing your mind
(i was looking for an angel face but didn't find it, and just found that one, which is the COOLEST THING EVER!!!)
Hah! That's so funny, Nameless, because that's what his roommate, my friend, sd:"when you've both had a little to drink, you'll both realize just how much you want each other and then you'll hop on."
I just don't want to be like my dad (who hurt my mom)--that's been one of the driving forces in my life. That's why I'm pretty hesitant.
Um, I'd say we hurt each other in my only relationship. I shouldn't have stayed with my boyfriend, but I was young. I met him when I was 15 and stayed with him for 5 years. ISTPs are loyal. We were both immature and wanted to be in a relationship.We were looking at it through rose-colored glasses. We tried to ignore what wasn't working. I finally started to break it off with him b/c he disrespected women so deeply, and I hated that.It was hard for me b/c I felt a misplaced sense of loyalty. He freaked and said he'd change and didn't want to lose me. He proposed to me three days later, and, even though I didn't want to get married 'till I was like 30 or even older, I sd 'yes.' I felt like saying 'yes' was somehow tied up with forgiving him and accepting him. That was a mistake. I went against what was best for both of us b/c I was going along with what he wanted. I was very young relationship-wise at 19. I didn't love him enough.That was wrong of me. I am very ashamed of it. When he sd he'd change, I thought "maybe we can have what I thought was 'meant to be.'" I didn't have good examples of what good relationships were like. Oh, we're not still together btw. He left me 14 months ago.
sounds like the religion thing is really just an excuse then. (I stand strongly by my conclusion that it wouldn't work. My original post was asking for ways not to hurt him while we're friends. You remind me so much of my INFJ friend. She's great.) you're not over your last relationship.(I'm new to the relationship game, but I'm confident I'm over that dude. We were not exceptionally compatible. What's to get over? When he left me, he stopped treating me badly. I felt worse about our relationship dissolving b/c I felt it was disloyal than about missing him personally.)
the thing is, you're gonna have to be willing to put yourself out there again at some point. (It's insightful of you to notice that I'm wary.I agree. You are absolutely right that I'll have to put myself out there) obviously you don't want to just go through life without trying again with another guy. if you stay in this mindset, you'll be able to find flaws in EVERY guy you meet.(I was just hoping to find differences we could both live with)
either
a) you just need some more time to get over your last bf, and you're not ready for a relationship (I'm definitely over him. I don't know how long 'till I'll be ready to be in a relationship. I know some ISTPs don't get serious about them until much later in life, and I want to be serious, but I can't help thinking it'd be great to be with an actually nice guy now.)
b) you are ready for one, but you're scared (I'm certainly scared, but I don't know if I'm ready.)
in case a, here's what i see happening. you want this new dude, but you don't. you hang with him, you get comfortable, you let your guard down, you send signals, he sends signals back, you freak. repeat. add drinks/time = you hook up. it's nice, but you freak again. you stay in a weird limbo period until someone gets hurt enough to put a stop to things, taking the friendship away too. (That would be crappy.That's why I decided to just be friends with him.)
case b: you hang, you get comfortable, he pushes you a bit, you give in, it's nice, you freak, he convinces you it's fine, you freak a little more and make excuses like religion, he pushes back, you fall into a relationship, and you're happy.Is there any chance we could just hang without one of us or both of us pushing for a romance?
sorry i'm kind of a pessimist... I can be one, too.(but i've been in both scenarios) (I'm sorry)
Is there any chance we could just hang without one of us or both of us pushing for a romance?
(but i've been in both scenarios) (I'm sorry)