[SP] My ISTP has Pulled away Completely WHY???

[jlw]

I am hurt and confused. My ISTP of 2 years has been going through stressful family and work related problems. He is usually a very peaceful, fun guy that just takes it as it comes. I have felt that he has been distancing himself and I've allowed him his space. We were living together and I moved back to my place to give him his space and only hung out on weekends. He out of the blew said" if you don't want to hang out this past weekend its okay with me, I' be busy with work." First how passive aggressive, not like him at all. Second I was blown away and said so, since work has never kept us apart. I responded by saying I was getting the feeling he wasn't feeling the same way as I was. And he said " with all I am going through I think my heart is frozen" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!! I've seen him at work and that it. HELP ! I want to understand.

 

[Lexicon]

I am hurt and confused. My ISTP of 2 years has been going through stressful family and work related problems. He is usually a very peaceful, fun guy that just takes it as it comes. I have felt that he has been distancing himself and I've allowed him his space. We were living together and I moved back to my place to give him his space and only hung out on weekends. He out of the blew said" if you don't want to hang out this past weekend its okay with me, I' be busy with work." First how passive aggressive, not like him at all. Second I was blown away and said so, since work has never kept us apart. I responded by saying I was getting the feeling he wasn't feeling the same way as I was. And he said " with all I am going through I think my heart is frozen" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!! I've seen him at work and that it. HELP ! I want to understand.

His suggestion about the weekend may not actually be a passive aggressive comment at all. He could simply feel very emotionally taxed right now, & is feeling like he may not be the best of company at the moment, because it could be hard to be emotionally present with you when he's already drained. It may have been an Fe-function-related way of giving you an "out," so he doesn't disappoint you or have to potentially deal with another serving of emotional turbulence -that may otherwise be manageable- were his plate not already full.

But, I don't know the guy. It may not be type-related. Even if it is, I'd suggest telling him you care about him, and that if you shouldn't take his need to process personally, you won't, but if there's actually something about the relationship itself going on, it's important that he does discuss it with you directly at some point. That while you don't want to be a source of stress or compound his present stress, you can't be completely left the dark, either. Reaffirm your feelings for him, let him know you're there if he needs to talk - & that you'll resume giving space, in the meantime.

 

[Norrsken]

My ISTP of 2 years has been going through stressful family and work related problems.

Give him the space he needs. I mean, really, give him real space. Don't call him, don't text him, don't IM him, don't Facebook him, nothing. Nada. Let him work through his problems on his own. I'm sure he still loves you a lot.

 

[jlw]

That's exactly what I've been doing. I guess either he loves me and will come back or he doesn't and how sad.

 

[Forever]

You gave him distance when probably he needed your more. Under his stressful environment he misinterpreted it to be that you don't care about him as much.

That's why he said he's ok to be alone that weekend so that he didn't feel that his stress was a threat on you. When really he's lonely.

He then became icy so he doesn't have to worry about what you're thinking of him.

It's a misunderstanding on both of your parts.

 

[that's not my name]

I know not all ISTPs are the same, but when I get stressed or have something that triggers overwhelming emotions I sometimes have trouble dealing with it, and want to be alone, because I'm so overwhelmed I can sometimes be short with people that I really appreciate. I don't think he meant to be passive aggressive. Just be patient and be there for him, don't take it too personally because that's probably not how it's meant. Inferior Fe can be a real...

It could definitely also be what Forever is talking about.

 

[Cloudpatrol]

"I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other."

Giving space in a relationship IS important. I admire your desire to honor that.

Adversity will often strengthen a union and allows a two people to show HOW they can 'be there' for the other. OR, it can weaken a union.

Much is determined by personal preference and expectations. How do we know what is in the mind of another? We need to ask.

Why did you move out? Were you asked to?

His heart probably does feel frozen and it was good of you to honor his circumstances. You can further afford him honor by asking how best to support him? By letting him know that you miss the connection to him and are concerned. That you can be a shoulder to lean on even if there is no talking involved. That you will take a step back if he needs that, but to let you know so that you can be there for him, in the manner he needs.

Your needs don't disappear because he is having a rough time. But, you do want to be sensitive to what he's experiencing. Can you just ask HIM if he needs space? And, then work out a practical plan for navigating choppier waters?

It IS good to let men have time and room to process things if that is what they need. It's also important they know you are their person and will be a consistent and supportive presence when things are rough.

Sometimes we have heart-to-heart conversations and find out the situation is much different than how we were viewing it in our heads.

 

[Poki]

I need more info about him.

The key is to help him without stress more, to help him have fun without more stress. You have to really know a person to know "which" direction and the details to go along with it.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Yeah. This doesn't sound good.

It sounds like all the cards are there. Like, everything is perfect, but he just doesn't *feel* it.

Now, that could mean the entire relationship - OR - this one instance/stress just broke him and well, yeah, he needs space.

But [MENTION=12103]Poki[/MENTION] was accurate. There is not enough info and you both sound vague.

Are you sure you both know what each of you is talking about?

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

"I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other."

Giving space in a relationship IS important. I admire your desire to honor that.

Adversity will often strengthen a union and allows a two people to show HOW they can 'be there' for the other. OR, it can weaken a union.

Much is determined by personal preference and expectations. How do we know what is in the mind of another? We need to ask.

Why did you move out? Were you asked to?

His heart probably does feel frozen and it was good of you to honor his circumstances. You can further afford him honor by asking how best to support him? By letting him know that you miss the connection to him and are concerned. That you can be a shoulder to lean on even if there is no talking involved. That you will take a step back if he needs that, but to let you know so that you can be there for him, in the manner he needs.

Your needs don't disappear because he is having a rough time. But, you do want to be sensitive to what he's experiencing. Can you just ask HIM if he needs space? And, then work out a practical plan for navigating choppier waters?

It IS good to let men have time and room to process things if that is what they need. It's also important they know you are their person and will be a consistent and supportive presence when things are rough.

Sometimes we have heart-to-heart conversations and find out the situation is much different than how we were viewing it in our heads.

This is good advice. Mainly because I see "space" listed as a go-to with any issues with ISTP's and if communication or understanding isn't there space WON'T help. Even for an ISTP.

It will just prolong what is under the surface, anyway.

Space is important but it's not an all encompassing problem solver.

 

[jlw]

So I have read all of the advice and will take in consideration of all the ISTP, since it seems you are talking his language. I have and will continue giving him space. I was thinking of taking the advice and just letting him know that I understand that he is drained and I can't imagine all that he is going through. But I care and will support him in any way he needs. What do you think of that?