Adult Children Living at Home

[Bilateral Entry]

This might be hard to read because it strikes so close to home. I'm sure many people on this forum live with their parents, or have their adult children living with them.

In North America, 50% of people in their 20's live with their parents. 70% in Italy. 87% is Irael. It's become somewhat of an epidemic, worldwide.

Some say high property values are to blame. Or maybe it's the poor job market, high income tax, or crippling student loans. I'm sure these are contributing factors, but I think the biggest factor is the attitude of millenials. The seek the illusive dream job, and don't want to work entry level positions.

Please share your personal experiences if you're a parent with adult children living with you, or you're an adult child living with your parents.
Please share your ideas about why this is happening, and what could help solve this problem. What can parents do? What can adult children do?

House rules: NO shaming. Keep that to your personal blog.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

Millennials are the first generation in some time to be worse off than their parents (en masse, obviously exceptions exist). Many of them grew up in relatively affluent homes during the 1990s through early 2000s and so they've expected the same opportunities that befell their parents and grandparents. That's not really happening, but I don't think many of them are willing to accept less than what they felt they were promised. I remember countless guidance counselors telling myself and other students how important college was; many millennials had the same thing drilled into their heads, went to school, got degrees, but still ended up flipping burgers or waiting tables.

I have noticed with other parents at my son's school a sort of mindset that could best be described as "disenfranchised yuppie". Most of these parents expected better conditions, more opportunities, and now that this isn't a reality so much as a fantasy, they are very competitive about ensuring their children have a leg up. There isn't the same sense of community and support that I noticed with parents when I grew up...parents seem very suspicious of other parents' children. When our son was admitted into the gifted program, another mother whose daughter was also admitted seemed very bothered because he apparently scored higher than her child on verbal, math, etc...

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

I remember countless guidance counselors telling myself and other students how important college was; many millennials had the same thing drilled into their heads, went to school, got degrees, but still ended up flipping burgers or waiting tables.

Yup. My situation isn't quite that bad, but it's not what everyone told me it would be.

The way the labor market is for millenials graduating from college is absurd. All the entry level positions require experience. If it requires experience, how the hell can it be an entry level position? You have to either enter into slavery unpaid internships, or go through a temp agency, or be good at establishing social networks to get anywhere. I chose the temp agency; and after a few years, I got hired permanently somewhere (at least until the company goes under).

It should be no surprise, then, that many in Generation Y lean left politically.

The right-leaning members of Generation Y have largely rejected the disaster that was neoconservativism.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

The right-leaning members of Generation Y have largely rejected the disaster that was neoconservativism.

Yes, they seem to be embracing a more sensible form of libertarianism, having realized that hawking two wars whilst cutting taxes was disastrous.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

Yes, they seem to be embracing a more sensible form of libertarianism, having realized that hawking two wars whilst cutting taxes was disastrous.

No, that's just "fuzzy math."

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

No, that's just "fuzzy math."

sounds akin to voodoo economics

 

[Hawthorne]

I suspect my situation is slightly different. I'm still in college but after three years on my own I'm planning to move back in with my parents to save some of the money I would spend on rent/groceries/utilities/etc for cushion when I start grad school. Plus they are getting to that age where they need a little help with daily structure (which makes the fact that I'm the one helping 100x more hilarious but I digress).

I recognize some of the mentality you mentioned within myself. I'm not in a position where I need to endure a demoralizing day job to survive so I don't. I've worked IT and customer service positions in the past but they restricted me too much and I left after a couple of months. I'm not hip to economic phenomena but something I've always found perplexing was how the things my mother and father did as "teen jobs" weren't really available when I was looking. When I finally got hired on at places (all of which I had to use connections for) I noticed that ~70% of my coworkers were in their late twenties and up. Place like grocery stores, general stores, book store chains, and independent tech repair businesses. Most of them were working 2-3 part time jobs to support their families and I'd estimate ~40% of them had or were working towards degrees.

I can only hypothesize that this "blockage" is backing up the opportunities available for younger generations and is compounding the financial burden of older ones. But like I said, I'm not hip enough to economic phenomena to offer explanations. Only observations.

 

[SpankyMcFly]

The education industrial complex... I was born at the front end of Gen-X. However I know several millenials who are living with their parents or other family members, i.e. brother/sister. One of my coworkers has a bachelors in bio physics, got his degree at SDSU for about 70k in loans after all was said and done. He had a heck of a time finding work and like everyone else had bills to pay.

For almost 2 months he checked in on a weekly basis with the person who does the hiring. After passing a drug test and with his clean driving record he now is a driver towing vehicles for a living. At another company I worked for, an air freight forwarding company probably 25% of the drivers under 35 had degrees.

 

[kyuuei]

I spent most of my adult life living with my parents for a few reasons that transitioned: first, my career kept deploying me (a LOT easier to have a stable address with deployments), then school, and then it became an issue that my parents became sick and flat broke and I ended up being there to support them emotionally and financially (I couldn't pay rent at my own place AND help them with theirs, and this isn't taking away from the fact that this helped me as well) for a majority of the time. This is the first home I've ever lived in that wasn't my parents' for more than a year's time due to these issues.

Even though that's a bit different, I liked it. I don't think it necessarily makes sense for adult children to move out without a decent reason. Family supports one another. If you're getting older, you're in a stable relationship--yeah, move out, get your privacy and build your relationship. If you're a private person and your parents are starting to be a negative influence, then it's time to move out. I don't think age necessarily correlates with when it's appropriate to move. If your parents want you out, that's the time to get out. If you want/need out, that's when you should do it. If you aren't getting along, make a good fence and move. Otherwise? Even though I definitely had moments where I noticed people were shocked that I was 26 and living with my parents, overall it was beneficial for both my parents and myself for me to stay.

I DO have buddies that are man-children that live at home and COULD go do bigger and better things and just don't. They stagnate, and it's easy to in your own folks' home.. it really is. I mean, if you're 40 and you've not done ANYTHING AT ALL with your life that would make you think to move away? I dunno wtf is going on there.. but I think the situation, overall, should dictate the move, not the age. An 18 year old in the military might be more ready to move than a 25 year old just getting out of an expensive college.

 

[Mademoiselle]

Everyone belongs home.
And home is wherever humans live.
Very common and natural

 

[Opal]

"Adult children"

 

[small.wonder]

I do consider my experience applicable to this, though I've not lived with my parents for all of adulthood-- just here and there. For example, I rented for the past couple of years, but had the rent raised too high at my lease renew in May. I decided to move out and stay with my Mom while I apartment hunt, but it's looking like I'll be here at least 6 months now. The hugest detail difference I have, from most of my Millennial peers, though, is that I didn't go to college. I went to community college for a year or so, but I hadn't (at that point) found a medication to help my Narcolepsy symptoms-- which basically made it impossible to succeed in school. I stopped going, and by the time I finally found a treatment that helped (practically gave me my life back), my parent's could no longer pay for school. Part of me would still love to go to school, but I prefer being debt-free, and I've been able to somewhat use my gifts without a degree.

Regarding people with College degrees (99% of my friends), almost every person I know works some sort of salaried job here in Chicago. Vast majority rent nice apartments, eat out, go on vacation, and do just fine. I think I know one person who was laid off for like 6 months before she found a new job, and I do know of a handful of friends who lived at home for the first a year or two of work, to save up before moving out. That's the worst of it though. Perhaps things seem peachy keen for the college educated here, because it's a large city? I don't know, but of the Millennials I know, I'm the most financially struggling-- minus those in school and working. The peers I know who live at home, are either in school, never went, or are in their first two years of their profession.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

There may be something to "30 is the new 20"

 

[Totenkindly]

Is it an issue to be fixed across the board? I thought in some non-USA cultures, having multiple generations of family live together was an established custom, and it's useful in caring both for the young AND for the old (instead of just sticking the oldest family members in care facilities). Or did I misunderstand? I think the mobility of the worker and focus on career, where families scatter to the winds in the US, isn't uniformly a great thing in terms of maintaining relationships. When I was out of the country in a 'warmer' culture and came back to this one, I immediately felt the culture was colder and more detached in terms of community than others.

it only seems to be an issue for me when it's being done because of infantile/mothering needs in child/parent rather than moving towards healthy maturity. In situations where it just seems financially driven, then that's not a maturity issue but an economic and thus cultural problem.

 

[chickpea]

I moved out when I was 19, but I'll admit I do keep going back to live with my mom as a safety net. Which I hope I don't have to use, but might have to, and I'm surprised I haven't needed to yet.

I know people who went to college, did everything they were told they needed to do to succeed, yet work the same shitty retail job as me

 

[chubber]

My parents were assholes for trying to kick me out after high school. They only got to realise now with my much younger brother (more than a decade age gap) that times are not the same as when all they had to do was "show interest and motivation" at their work place to get promoted without any tertiary education. And on top of that, instead of 2 people applying for the job, 8 more are now standing in the queue, willing to work for less with higher education levels.

I took the first low end job I could get after college (desperation), which could only cover a 1/3 of rent, which prevented me from moving out. After the salary correction, I could only afford to "live". There were no savings to speak of. Which forced me to move back and save up to move out of the country. That was the plan, but that never materialised, because of meeting my ex

One thing that did help to get a promotion was to get married. After I got divorced, my salary was locked. (can't get performance increases). Now I just live in a life of debt. (house, car etc)

The people around me that seems more successful (compared to me), the most common theme I see is, that the family stands together and helps each other out. If you don't get much help, then things don't really move faster in life. Help could be anything, from positive motivation to at least some kind of understanding.

oh well

 

[93JC]

Some say high property values are to blame. Or maybe it's the poor job market, high income tax, or crippling student loans. I'm sure these are contributing factors, but I think the biggest factor is the attitude of millenials. The seek the illusive dream job, and don't want to work entry level positions.

Adjusted for inflation, incomes are about the same as they were in 1985. (In fact inflation-adjusted wages have been stagnant since 1975.) In that same time, again adjusted for inflation:

• post-secondary tuition has increased four-fold
• housing is about three-and-a-half times as expensive

Of course millenials are searching for a "dream job": a millenial needs a "dream job" to afford to have a standard of living equal to their parents' standard of living at the same age. Not better: just equal to what their parents had when they were twentysomethings.

The idea that millenials as a cohort are "lazy and entitled" is a myth perpetuated by Baby Boomers. The idea that someone with no experience can just waltz into an interview and get an "entry level" job is woefully out of date, and to suggest otherwise is ignorant and frankly, asinine. Baby Boomers could get blue-collar entry-level jobs that would, adjusted for inflation, provide the same standard of living as a white-collar worker with 10 years of experience today.

 

[baccheion]

I graduated in 2007, so the 2009 recession didn't directly affect my ability to find a job, but I got harassed on the job, quit in 2010, was made into a Targeted Individual (Schizophrenia, if you don't think electronic harassment is real), ended up having to move back in with my mother, and now here I am. I could've easily worked on my own startup or gone back to work, but I'm constantly harassed/tortured/interrupted, they've ruined my intelligence and creativity, they sabotage every job interview, etc.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

The idea that millenials as a cohort are "lazy and entitled" is a myth perpetuated by Baby Boomers. The idea that someone with no experience can just waltz into an interview and get an "entry level" job is woefully out of date, and to suggest otherwise is ignorant and frankly, asinine. Baby Boomers could get blue-collar entry-level jobs that would, adjusted for inflation, provide the same standard of living as a white-collar worker with 10 years of experience today.

Yes, it's an incredibly out of date mentality that doesn't reflect reality.

 

[ceecee]

We have one adult child living with us. Sort of. He travels for work and when he had an apartment, he was barely there. So we gave him the apartment that we have above our garage. This won't be for much longer, he and his girlfriend are buying a house. He pays rent, something for utilities and food although he is rarely here to eat. As long as there was a plan that satisfied everyone, I wouldn't have an issue with our kids living here. Things are not the same as they were, even when my husband and I were in our 20's.