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- Dec 23, 2009
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In the middle of re-reading it!
In my experience, I think I irritate Fi users in the following ways (keep in mind that both Fe and Fi are differently flavoured depending on what other functions are mixed in and what position those functions have).
I'm going to cherry pick through these and provide a few comments. Not many things offend me. The key thing for is respect. If someone communicates to me in a way that doesn't demonstrate it, it can offend me. Outside of that, there isn’t anything I can think of. It all derives from that.
- unwilling to listen to all people's ideas equally - the speaker and my history with them, and their areas of expertise matter to me as much as the idea
This one would bother me for multiple reasons. First, if it appeared the person didn't take my input seriously, that would offend me because I wouldn't say something if I hadn't given some thought to it. Secondly, it is very different than my style. I tend to be open to what anybody says. If it's a valid point, I don't care if it comes from a 12 year old. There are a small number of people who I don't have much respect for (that talk out of their ass mostly) where I stop listening.
- keep wanting to know WHY they are telling me something so I can figure out how to react appropriately. What is the objective? I discovered in one thread recently that they tend to let things evolve, see what parts they have and then make whatever machine they can. I start with the machine I want to create in mind, and then sort the conversation parts according to what is useful in making that machine and what isn't.
This is interesting because I think I will tell people things for a reason that I can’t fully explain (think Ni) or sometimes just to make conversation – to build a connection with a person – to get to know them. I like getting to know people and learning about them in general. I think sometimes there is not a reason at all – I just feel like chatting about whatever. I wonder if what you are doing might be an exercise in futility with certain people. Take an ESFP or ENFP. Do they have a reason for everything they are telling you? I seriously doubt it.
- only want to engage in a conversation if it's going to have some kind of productive outcome
I do this too though I think less nowadays than I used to. What I increasingly feel is that sometimes it's nice just to experience things and not have any particular purpose though. Just enjoy a conversation for fun.
- expecting others to read subtext in what I say
You’ll be let down probably more than the other person will be offended. I'll press a person to be more direct or provide more details in these situations. Otherwise, it will lead to a conjecture that might not be true. I like direct.
not being willing to resolve conflict or talk about things in the moment because I want time for my emotions to cool so I can regain a more objective perspective.
That used to drive me crazy though I’m more tolerant of it now.
asking questions that may sound intrusive or invasive (to me they are expressions of interest or care).
I can see that . My view is it’s fine if you self disclose to the same degree and keep what was said in confidence.
- this is maybe Te/Ti but I have a tendency towards walls of text and too many qualifiers and rabbit trails.
There is always good content though so it doesn’t really bother me unless I’m in a hurry.
- Don't know if this is just me, but since I feel that way and I'm a Fe user I'll just say it. I hate emotional surprises. Even if something is going to be negative, I'll be fine with it, as long as I know what to expect. Fi seems a little more spontaneous and it scares me a bit because I don't do well dealing with my own emotions on the fly. There's too much information to wade through. I'd rather prepare myself ahead of time. I think it seems a bit stiff and stick in the muddish to Fi though.
The way I experience the other side of this is in two ways. First, it can be good because the calmness from the non-reaction helps to calm me. On the flip side, it can bother me because I’m not a patient person to begin with and I want to express the emotions, engage in a dialogue and get it over with. There are definite pros and cons of the interaction.
DO is good in my book. For me, I’m looking for support in the way of empathetic listening, verbal reassurance, building me up, expressing confidence in me, physical touch or lightening the mood with humor. The worst thing is to criticize the behavior, which in the moment is extremely annoying. I recall one small example where someone said something that bothered me several years ago and you left a rep that made me feel less stupid or that other’s might feel the same way I do. It was a little thing that made a difference.I still am not entirely sure what to do when a Fi user is in distress. Normally I would DO something to try to make someone feel better.
- I also am not sure how to make my needs for verbal appreciation known. When I show appreciation verbally or in writing for most Fi users, it makes them uncomfortable. I think they'd prefer I make them something homemade or something more indirect that shows my thanks instead.
Verbal appreciation is important for me though I may not act like it. They might downplay the comment or act a little embarrassed but might not be as uncomfortable as you think. You can never go wrong with that kind of thing as far as I’m concerned as long as it’s sincere. I will say in the jobs I’ve had, in employee surveys, the #1 thing people want more of is appreciation for what they do.
moodiness and inconsistency really makes me uncomfortable. It feels emotionally threatening and undermines my trust. It also feels very personally directed even when it is not. Fi users seem to have a higher tolerance for this.
I can be moody and do have some understanding of others who are like that. There are limits though and I won’t tolerate certain things. What do you mean by inconsistency? That seems separate from moodiness.
not attempting to do something you don't really want to (but don't have any value-based conviction against) for the sake of someone you care about seems like a personal slap in the face to me. I think maybe Fi users see it more separately from the person in question.
I’m surprised by the reaction you have on this. Good to know. I have to really force myself to do things I don’t want to do. Part of it is getting into habits.
I understand the first sentence. Yes, I’m like that. After that point, I’m kind of getting lost.- Fi seems more selective about who it cares about but really goes all out when it does. In some ways, I feel like I want someone to show basic regard for me, even if we are just casual friends, but I need someone who can remain objective when I bring up a situation that's bothering me. I feel like I'm in the middle of a river with a swiftly moving current and the Fi user just jumps in with me instead of throwing me a rope from the safety of the bank and pulling me onto dry land. I need to figure out how to neither feel rebuffed by the emotional distance initially, nor overwhelmed by the emotional intensity afterwards.