I'm starting to really think that I'm actually an sx blindspot, 4w5 so/sp.
The idea of intense intimacy sounds pleasing when I imagine it in my mind, but when I actually experience it in real life, it almost always feels overwhelming, almost like I'm suffocating and in dire need of some extra space.
The thing is, the social instinct works very differently for e4s compared to other enneagram types, so it's quite often a very misinterpreted type. The general descriptions of an so-dom don't compute at all with me, but the usual descriptions for an e4 fit me rather well. I've only questioned the idea off and on because I come off very sx-like in person and harbor an outer shell of intensity where people can sometimes feel an air of discomfort, but I think it's likely due to the e4 mystique mixed in with an edgy fashion sense at times. However, my real, inner self is quite different than the prototypical artistic sp and sx types, as I'm extremely withdrawn and take no issue in being alone as much as possible, and I've read up that the so/sp subtype is actually the most withdrawn out of all the e4 subtypes. My anger also doesn't get out of hand like an sx 4's does. It's mostly envy and irritation which is typical for a 4, yet it almost always turns into a "woe is me" sort of sadness in the end.
Deep down, I also think the idea of being sx last sounds very unappealing to me and makes me even feel a little ashamed about it. I think it's part of the reason why I'd rather not identify as one too, and for the fact that I'm still a very passionate person overall. However, e4s by nature are rather sx-like themselves, so sx-dom e4s would likely exhibit a more extreme form of the sexual instinct, which I definitely don't resonate with on that level.
And an issue is that I relate to all instinctual variants to a degree, but when I connect the dots from my childhood to now, the so/sp subtype seems to make the most sense out of all the subtypes considered. I was always a very shy, meek, and sensitive child growing up and avoided conflict like the plague since I hated feeling shamed and embarrassed. I still do even now, as I'd rather lie low on the sidelines than explode and allow all to see. In that regard, I exhibited some pretty phobic 6ish qualities as a child and still do to an extent. The so/sp 4 subtype can resemble a phobic 6 under so-related activities. This does ring true for me.
In addition, my sp instinct would play the role as a support system for my social instinct. I naturally feel at home with my sp instinct, but I'd still need to feel secure enough in order to eventually satisfy my vision for perhaps a wider circle. However, my networking sucks in reality and I can care less about most modern pop culture too, but understandably if someone's an so 4 it doesn't necessarily mean they'd be a natural at so-related activities, especially if one doesn't have their sp instinct in order. Plus I despise groups in general. I never cared to be a part of a group dynamic and still don't, but that is because I know that I don't fit in with most people and don't care to bother with trying either. I prefer one-on-one convos with people as well, but I'd also like to avoid conflict in the public sphere too. So revealing myself to someone I trust is the only way people will really get to know me, otherwise I'd just be another face in the crowd for the most part.
And it makes sense when I used to think I was a 4w3. I'm more than 110% confident now that I'm a 4w5 since it's always been the type I related to the best. Before that I had to always relentlessly defend myself as an extremely introverted and conceptually artistic 4w3 since I exhibited almost every single 4w5 trait. Furthermore it makes a lot of sense for me to be a social first 4w5 since it appears a bit 4w3ish on the surface due to image concerns, but also a hell of a lot more introverted than the typical 4w3. Plus the contra flow aspect makes sense too because I'm actually very asocial in real life and can't stand being around people for too long; the subtype just happens to be a lighter version than a typical contra flow stacking because of the social first instinct. I also prefer to work alone whenever possible and can have an attitude toward people, though admittedly I can be oblivious to proper social etiquette too, but not often when it involves me or others making a fool out of themselves in the open.
I also don't really whine much and prefer to keep most of my issues to myself because I abhor appearing weak and needy to other people. So I think the sp/sx subtype is still a slight possibility, though I'm not dauntless as it's described in the descriptions. I'm also very passionate in areas that are meaningful to me, often where I can get lost in the action for hours at a time, so I can be pretty sx-like too. And this is why I still have a few hang-ups when it comes down to the ultimate decision on my subtype.
Then again, I still crave a close relationship with another person, but it has to be the right person for me. This is where I can almost be like an e1 critic as well because I'm very picky when it comes to choosing who I'd want to establish a closer relationship with. I've also never been love obsessed nor felt like I needed a relationship in order to feel worthy. My focus has nearly always been on my own passions, and if a relationship happens to fall on my lap, then great, and if not, that's fine too. And talking about super, intense topics that go far too into the deep end feels overexposing and invasive to me. It's not something I can just talk about with anyone, even to those who are closest to me. I guess for that reason I tend to appear quite mysterious to most people, even to my own family members. It's so hard for anyone to really get to know me on a deeper, visceral level. Although, some pieces of the puzzle can be exposed through my art, but it is pretty cryptic overall, unless I'm feeling unusually open that day and enthused enough to explain everything in detail.
Well, that's enough of my own laundry aired out in the open for one day.