B
brainheart
Guest
Double post
[MENTION=7140]brainheart[/MENTION]
But the point here is that you STILL do crave that intimacy with another human being though.
I didn't understand that Social could be involved in connections/bonding, too, perhaps even more so than Sexual, and that Sexual was more about within than between, more about looking at one another than being with one another - and I definitely still feel a strong degree of relation to the Sexual instinct.
Theoretically - and I see this play out, I think - it should be with anything that can serve as stimulation and provide feelings of risk and reward. Artistic performance, physical engagement, and so on...
Though perhaps personal relationships tend to be the most stimulating because of how incredibly dynamic and responsive people are, and how much the chemistry of attraction heightens feeling.
That's cool. I still think I am what I say I am, but you go ahead and continue researching. Happy investigating!
I hit on so/sx after claiming sx/so for a while by following [MENTION=10496]skylights[/MENTION]'s same journey, who questioned her stacking at about the same time.
so/sx/sp is believable to me because that's the way my priorities play out when I'm in action.
That was an actual conversation, yes. I've since come to the realization he's sp/so, though, but close enough. hehe
[MENTION=15607]The Great One[/MENTION]
I actually do feel pretty attached to certain girls in the way you describe. And I have trouble with my So-instinct, so I'm never really "in" with the group but can tag along anyway.
However the question is, "How long does it take you to get this attached though"?
@skylights:
Yes. My husband is so/sx and he is way more into bonding/connecting than me. I am too distant and very off/on. My intensity is usually turned inward which is difficult for others to see a lot of the time (although I can definitely tell when my 'on' becomes too much for someone, it feels like they close their blinds to block out my overwhelming rays. My on can feel like too much to me too, but if it's happening sometimes it takes awhile for the clouds to move in). I spend a lot of time analyzing our relationship and agonizing over it, although he has no clue, because I withdraw. I feel things extremely strongly, be those feelings positive or negative. Because his so/sx nature is more expansive, there is an openness to him (he seems more constantly 'on'), while I'm more intense bursts then silence.
As far as 'being with' goes, I think social/sexual likes lots of quality time, while the sx first doesn't need as much time, but they are constantly evaluating/monitoring the energy created (or lacking) when together- the standards are higher, so there is a greater chance of disappointment or elation. It isn't that the sexual first doesn't value being with the other, it's just a different orientation.
I've found that the so/sx types tend to have small little clicks that they hang out with. The clicks are generally composed of about 3-10 people. They tend to almost identify themselves through the clicks and tend to share all of their thoughts and feelings with these clicks. To tell the truth, I think that the so/sx variant stacking is almost best personified by the show, "How I Met Your Mother". I think most of the characters in that show are so/sx anyway. The characters in the show go everywhere together with their clicks, constantly hang out with their clicks, and identify themselves through their click. I almost feel like the so/sx people view their clicks as "one-big-happy-family".
Anyway the lists shopping under a self pres activity, texting people as a SO activity, hobbies is probably up for grabs, working out is both a SP and SX activity, and hanging out is an SO activity.
Relatively quickly. There are just certain types of girls that just sort of do it for me, especially ones with good taste and come off as independent.
The main difference between me and Sx-firsts is that in a group setting, I'll be focused on the general conversation, while I'm guessing Sx types will be in their little corner with whoever they deem especially interesting. Sometimes I socialize the Sx-way, but I'm more So around people I'm not that close to.
This is a good observation. Just personally, I feel like I have a lot of overlapping little "circles" (basically the same thing, but that's how I've always thought of them). One would be my nuclear family... my little group of friends from high school... friends from college in my sorority... friends from college in my dorm... etc. I almost think of it like atoms and their electron clouds - people tend to travel in certain groups, but they also bounce from group to group, and some tend to be mostly independent. I agree that they tend to be 3-10 people. Anything smaller is just a 1-on-1 relationship and anything much larger looses ability to be personal.
To elaborate on identity, I find some degree of identity through those groups, but it's more of a functional identity than it is derived from the group itself. In other words, I see myself in roles as a girlfriend, a mom, a daughter, a sorority sister, a humanitarian, an event organizer, a leader, and so on, and I feel a strong resonance with those roles. It's not so much about the exact people themselves as it is about the nature of the relationships. In many of the groups I associate with, people come and go, but I feel the allegiance to the nebulous idea of the group because of what the group stands for - love, goodness, friendship, fun, generosity, citizenship, etc. Which is not to say that sometimes I don't love the people, and sometimes I love the people more than the group. But they're two separate things, in a way.
In other words, I don't think the Social instinct is always about people as much as it is about relationships, and relationships can be important because of the people or they can be important because of the relationship. (Consider a person's chosen job, for example - often certain people gravitate towards certain careers because they are particularly drawn to certain types of roles).
In general, yes, I would agree. At the same time, I think that one can come at an activity for a number of reasons. I understand how shopping could be Social. It's sort of a low-key interaction activity, where you're around a lot of people and can observe trends and flux, but you can to choose where and when to directly interact if you desire to. I assume [MENTION=18664]Stansmith[/MENTION] is talking about more recreational shopping, as opposed to shopping for necessities, which would indeed be more Self-Pres aligned. Along the same vein, you can see working out fulfilling the core desires of any of the variants. It attends to SP taking care of one's body, SX getting energy flowing, and could feasibly attend to SO wanting to be someone who works out, or simply being with/around others while working out.
I work out to increase my attractiveness and shop alot so that I can keep up appearances/always have something different and distinctive to wear. I see it as more of an (expensive) hobby/creative outlet nowadays.
lol, I hate how the social/sexual treats group interaction. They can never have intense, one-on-one conversations with you. They also want to bounce from talking to this person over here, to that person, to that person, and it just angers me. Why can't they just stay in one fucking place? lol, I almost feel like a cat trying to catch a mouse. This is what I think of when trying to interact with a so/sx...
I understand what you mean about attachment to a single soul and to groups, though there is a big difference between being drawn to someone or some people and actually letting myself become attached in action. That difference is mostly made of time. I am drawn to people easily and intensely, but I hesitate to trust that magnetism, as I have grown enough to know that I can see more in others than may truly be there. The imagination is powerful. Usually, I need a lot of time at friendly/polite arm's length from others to find out who we really are in relation to each other and whether I belong near that person or circle of people.I've found that the so/sx types tend to have small little clicks that they hang out with. The clicks are generally composed of about 3-10 people. They tend to almost identify themselves through the clicks and tend to share all of their thoughts and feelings with these clicks. To tell the truth, I think that the so/sx variant stacking is almost best personified by the show, "How I Met Your Mother". I think most of the characters in that show are so/sx anyway. The characters in the show go everywhere together with their clicks, constantly hang out with their clicks, and identify themselves through their click. I almost feel like the so/sx people view their clicks as "one-big-happy-family".
The interesting thing is that I don't relate to the so/sx at all. In fact I believe myself to be an sx dom, and probably sx/sp. Now people on this site constantly tell me things like, "You're just a wanna-be sx dom" and "You only wanna be an sx dom because you think that it mistakenly makes you more sexy or that it means that you have more swag". The truth is that I don't want to be an sx dom, and I kind of hate being an sx dom. Let me give you an example.
In the spring semester of this college year, I met a girl that I used to talk to all the time in class. The woman was absolutely gorgeous and I had an almost instant connection with her. I damn near felt a concrete bond with the girl that almost couldn't be broken. Whenever I would be around the woman I would get this really hot feeling like I was on fire, but in a good way. The woman made me feel complete, and I never even looked at other women when I was around her. I never told her how I felt about her because I knew she was engaged.
What separates Sx/So interaction styles from So/Sx? Is it a more whimsical and less commited/attentive version of So/Sx?
wha? Hell no. That's what I do while waiting for someone willing to have a good conversation. When that person comes along, fuck the group. Well, not really, but you know what I mean.lol, I hate how the social/sexual treats group interaction. They can never have intense, one-on-one conversations with you. They also want to bounce from talking to this person over here, to that person, to that person, and it just angers me. Why can't they just stay in one fucking place? lol, I almost feel like a cat trying to catch a mouse. This is what I think of when trying to interact with a so/sx...
I think that's true when a so/sx is with a group of people he knows, but when you're the only person the so/sx knows, they will likely talk only to you. They will want to talk about the scene or the crowd or whatever the human surroundings are to some extent, yes. But they tap into their sexual second as well. I definitely wouldn't be married to a so/sx if this wasn't the case.
What separates Sx/So interaction styles from So/Sx? Is it a more whimsical and less commited/attentive version of So/Sx?
I understand what you mean about attachment to a single soul and to groups, though there is a big difference between being drawn to someone or some people and actually letting myself become attached in action. That difference is mostly made of time. I am drawn to people easily and intensely, but I hesitate to trust that magnetism, as I have grown enough to know that I can see more in others than may truly be there. The imagination is powerful. Usually, I need a lot of time at friendly/polite arm's length from others to find out who we really are in relation to each other and whether I belong near that person or circle of people.
But: the longer it takes to find that out, the more likely it is that it won't be worth trying. If a group leaves me bitter, or if I am taking a long time to find my voice while I'm speaking to others, it's probably not ever going to work out. I cannot actualize my feelings for them because those feelings are inapplicable to the reality: the people are in truth not what I was looking for and thought at first that I'd found in them. Hopes, purely internal stuff. I've learned to let go as soon as I hit that blockage because those affiliations are not worth my time while there are others out there who easily bring the best of me out into real action and contribution. Also, that trying past a certain point isn't fair to the other: no one likes somebody who is never going to fit in but keeps wanting to. It squanders the real potential on both sides.
When I am with the right people, I am able to forgive out of love when they fall short and find myself full of things to share. People I am increasingly compatible with in reality will open me up in reality faster and faster until it comes to a tiny number (would not even take up the fingers on one hand) of very special ones who I know I can live with fully right away.
So, yes to identifying with your sx and so/sx information, but I'm cagier about it outside of my head and little enough in age to still bear a raw memory of less mature days.
wha? Hell no. That's what I do while waiting for someone willing to have a good conversation. When that person comes along, fuck the group. Well, not really, but you know what I mean.
@skylights
lol, I hate how the social/sexual treats group interaction. They can never have intense, one-on-one conversations with you. They also want to bounce from talking to this person over here, to that person, to that person, and it just angers me. Why can't they just stay in one fucking place? lol, I almost feel like a cat trying to catch a mouse. This is what I think of when trying to interact with a so/sx...
Also I don't think that I will ever understand loyalty to organizations or groups either. To me, it's loyalty to individuals. I don't even get groups.
One more thing, you say that you identify as a mom? Are you a mother in real life?
lol so you use shopping as a bonding activity? I could see how shopping could be SO in this manner. I'm never going to understand this though. I see shopping as using my resources that are vital to my health and to my life to buy things that I want and need. I constantly analyze ways that I can save money as well. I don't view shopping as a bonding experience at all.
Even then, I see a lot of the so/sx types bouncing around and trying to get to know everyone in the new group.