INFJ needs advice about ENFP

[Cia77]

Hi..sorry for my english I'm from sweden

I met a ENFP male in december online, we instantly had a great chemistry. To make a long story short..he wanted to rush the relationship way to early for me. I freaked out and probably went cold on him in periods. I tried to explain that I can't develop feeling in 2-3 weeks. For about 2 months he realy tried to give me the time but we had a lot of discussions because he wasn't happy with the situation me needing way more time and space figuring out my feelings. But the harder he pushed the more I ran. After about two months I had to go for a longer trip and I also moved to another town closer to him. In my mind it would be easier for me to give him more after all that. My mom also passed away during this time we were apart. I had so much on my mind but I told him I missed him and was looking forward to meet when I was home and so on. During my trip and our way apart I realized I had deeper feelings for him then I thought and I was realy ready to take things to the next level. But when I came home he wanted to end everything because he said I had hurt his feelings and he was a wreck bacause of my behaviour. He dosen't want to meet and talk and he has only answered one of three of my textmessages. He says he's afraid and can't give me another chance because he will totally break down then. I have really opened ip about how I feel and begged him but he says he cant..now I haven't text him in four days beacause he did'nt answer my last message..I don't want to be a psycho and put preassaure on him. He told me he needs time to heal and figure out if he can give us a chanse later.

Do ENFPs give second chanses? What should I do now? Should I just leave him alone? I'm afraid he want me to contact him and show him I care? Or does he just want to be left alone?

 

[PurpleDawn]

Depends on the person honestly, I'm a male ENFP and I personally forgive people for a lot, but it depends on what. Something like this is easy to forgive though, unless maybe he got a skewed idea of the situation by overthinking it (something us ENFPs tend to do).

As for rushing a relationship, I'd be more like you in that situation honestly, I'm very slow to want to start anything. That said, I would think enneagram variant would play a pretty big role in that. Personally I'm a Sp enneagram variant, this guy sounds more like a Sx.

Just leave him alone for a bit while he's in his Fi mindset, he might come around eventually.

 

[Cia77]

Depends on the person honestly, I'm a male ENFP and I personally forgive people for a lot, but it depends on what. Something like this is easy to forgive though, unless maybe he got a skewed idea of the situation by overthinking it (something us ENFPs tend to do). As for rushing a relationship, I'd be more like you in that situation honestly, I'm very slow to want to start anything. That said, I would think enneagram variant would play a pretty big role in that. Personally I'm a Sp enneagram variant, this guy sounds more like a Sx. Just leave him alone for a bit while he's in his Fi mindset, he might come around eventually.

Thanks for your answer

I don't know if he's mad and, seems more like he is extremly afraid of getting hurt and has decided that it will not work out because of our differences. We are like the same on so many levels, but react and handle things in life the exact oppisite. He says he wants to be with me and love me (told me after two weeks) but that I'm he's cryptonit and are destroying him because he get's so vulnerable. he also said that I lost him on the way trying to figure out my feeling snd handle my personal stuff. He has no patience 😄
Ok maybe I will leave him alone, but I'm afraid that he will think that I'm over him or that he will feel abanded. That I'm not fighting for him...😕

 

[Amargith]

If you can, be his friend without ever expecting more. And i do mean. Ask yourself if that is possible for you. Otherwise, move on.

If you two can reset the organic connection you had from before, there maaaaaaay be a chance he ll remember and revisit the connection. But only if you do too.

That means no hoping, no pining, no resentment and no jealousy - genuinely wanting your friend tobe happy and being satisfied with just being in his life, and revisiting your connection.


Then let the chips fall where they may.


You asked the same of him, which he wasnt able to do.

Can you?



Edit: this btw isnt a penance or quid pro quo thing. Its just an objective summation of where i think you're at,atm, and a common phenomenon in the romantic field, thzt everybody deals or doesnt deal with in their own way. This isnt him punishing you, just him protecting himself, as you were earlier coz this shit is uncomfortable and scary. The question is...is he worth the risk and do you want him in your life regardless of what happens between you?

 

[Cia77]

If you can, be his friend without ever expecting more. And i do mean. Ask yourself if that is possible for you. Otherwise, move on. If you two can reset the organic connection you had from before, there maaaaaaay be a chance he ll remember and revisit the connection. But only if you do too. That means no hoping, no pining, no resentment and no jealousy - genuinely wanting your friend tobe happy and being satisfied with just being in his life, and revisiting your connection. Then let the chips fall where they may. You asked the same of him, which he wasnt able to do. Can you? Edit: this btw isnt a penance or quid pro quo thing. Its just an objective summation of where i think you're at,atm, and a common phenomenon in the romantic field, thzt everybody deals or doesnt deal with in their own way. This isnt him punishing you, just him protecting himself, as you were earlier coz this shit is uncomfortable and scary. The question is...is he worth the risk and do you want him in your life regardless of what happens between you?

Thank you for your reply

I actually asked if we should be friends and see how things turns out. But it seems like he can't right now, he says he's a wreck and gas to take care of himself because of his children and so on..maybe it's too early for both of us.
Do you think he has lost the connection? ENFPs seems to develop feelings so fast, so I'm amagining that they can as easily move on from them? I can't relate when I function in the opposite way..Takes ages to develop deeper feelings, and then never can move on haha
Yeah you're right about the protection thing..we seems to do everything in the same way..but opposite in the same time..😳

 

[PumpkinMayCare]

Thank you for your reply

I actually asked if we should be friends and see how things turns out. But it seems like he can't right now, he says he's a wreck and gas to take care of himself because of his children and so on..maybe it's too early for both of us.
Do you think he has lost the connection? ENFPs seems to develop feelings so fast, so I'm amagining that they can as easily move on from them? I can't relate when I function in the opposite way..Takes ages to develop deeper feelings, and then never can move on haha
Yeah you're right about the protection thing..we seems to do everything in the same way..but opposite in the same time..😳

No, funnily enough I was in a very similar situation with a guy a few months ago. And I'm an ENFP. I need plenty of time to develop feelings but he was constantly trying to push me to develop feelings for him too and that's just ridiculous. Peole develop them in different time frames. He can't expect you to act different than you simply normally do. Feelings have to develop organically and if they don't you're not a good match most likely. Also the first weeks should be spent on getting to know each other and not be a power struggle to get their needs fullfilled. Yes, he seems very afraid to be hurt again and it was probably that fear that made him not realize that the focus in the first 2-3 weeks (the time frame you mention) is better spend actually getting to know each other and not rushing into a relationship without knowing the most important things about each other.
To be honest someone having that need to rush into a relationship at lighting speed would be a big red flag to me...
I really can't say if he is one to give second chances. Based on how hurt he said he was, maybe not. Might ask him himself. I guess he'd make a better friend, maybe.

 

[Cia77]

No, funnily enough I was in a very similar situation with a guy a few months ago. And I'm an ENFP. I need plenty of time to develop feelings but he was constantly trying to push me to develop feelings for him too and that's just ridiculous. Peole develop them in different time frames. He can't expect you to act different than you simply normally do. Feelings have to develop organically and if they don't you're not a good match most likely. Also the first weeks should be spent on getting to know each other and not be a power struggle to get their needs fullfilled. Yes, he seems very afraid to be hurt again and it was probably that fear that made him not realize that the focus in the first 2-3 weeks (the time frame you mention) is better spend actually getting to know each other and not rushing into a relationship without knowing the most important things about each other. To be honest someone having that need to rush into a relationship at lighting speed would be a big red flag to me... I really can't say if he is one to give second chances. Based on how hurt he said he was, maybe not. Might ask him himself. I guess he'd make a better friend, maybe.

Yeah you're right ☺ Pushing things is usally a red flag for me as well but we had such a great chemistry, and we had a month of contact online before we meet with deep an long conversations så maybe that made him get feelings earlier..I don't know.
He says he has to heal and recover before he can say if we can try again..everything is so dramatic with him 😬 But i know how I can be as well, if someone starts clinging or pushing I will react cold and distance.
Also as an Infj I have a tendancy also to romance things..always wanting the impossible love..and I'm drawn to sadness and darkness in some way 🙈
Just feels so sad when I feelt as he is one of few I have ever meet that I bounded with on such a deep level. I dont think I will ever meet someone like him again. But maybe we are better of as friends 😊
Thanks for your advice 😊

 

[PumpkinMayCare]

Yeah you're right ☺ Pushing things is usally a red flag for me as well but we had such a great chemistry, and we had a month of contact online before we meet with deep an long conversations så maybe that made him get feelings earlier..I don't know.
He says he has to heal and recover before he can say if we can try again..everything is so dramatic with him 😬 But i know how I can be as well, if someone starts clinging or pushing I will react cold and distance.
Also as an Infj I have a tendancy also to romance things..always wanting the impossible love..and I'm drawn to sadness and darkness in some way 🙈
Just feels so sad when I feelt as he is one of few I have ever meet that I bounded with on such a deep level. I dont think I will ever meet someone like him again. But maybe we are better of as friends 😊
Thanks for your advice 😊

It's sad but I guess because his tendency for dramatic behaviour makes him not a suitable mate. He will need some time to mature a bit and learn how to handle his fears. Then he'd be ready most likely... from what I know, which is limited of course.
You seem like a nice person to be around, I hope you can find a suitable mate.

 

[Cia77]

It's sad but I guess because his tendency for dramatic behaviour makes him not a suitable mate. He will need some time to mature a bit and learn how to handle his fears. Then he'd be ready most likely... from what I know, which is limited of course. You seem like a nice person to be around, I hope you can find a suitable mate.

You are probably right.. And thank you 😊

 

[PurpleDawn]

Thank you for your reply

I actually asked if we should be friends and see how things turns out. But it seems like he can't right now, he says he's a wreck and gas to take care of himself because of his children and so on..maybe it's too early for both of us.
Do you think he has lost the connection? ENFPs seems to develop feelings so fast, so I'm amagining that they can as easily move on from them? I can't relate when I function in the opposite way..Takes ages to develop deeper feelings, and then never can move on haha
Yeah you're right about the protection thing..we seems to do everything in the same way..but opposite in the same time..😳

I'm the opposite, I develop feelings slow and I'm slow to move on from them.

 

[Cia77]

I'm the opposite, I develop feelings slow and I'm slow to move on from them.

But is that typical Enfp? 🤔

 

[PurpleDawn]

But is that typical Enfp? 🤔

Probably not considering I'm a more uncommon enneagram type