[INFP] INFJ Male Dating INFP Female, looking for advice

[Virgo1987]

Its the sudden turn in behavour. She was never like this in the 2 months i was seeing her. The only thing i did to her that was negative, was ending it twice with her and saying i wanted to be friends. I never displayed any other negative stuff. Like i said, its the sudden turn in Behavior that kinda freaked me out. Im getting conflicting things from people about this, im confused myself. Some are saying they think i was getting played when i tell them, others that there is nothing suspicious about whats happened. So i dont know anymore. I guess i just want to know whats happened so i can move forward.

Okay... take a deep breath. Okay... do it again.

I understand a lot of points that were made in this thread from everyone and that's a wonderful thing.

First of all -- I know all about sudden change in behaviors. That's scary for anyone that's close to someone or cares about someone regardless of the type of relationship or even the personality type. Any good person is going to want to figure out what's going on with the other person and if their gut is telling them something is "wrong" then that's it. A gut instinct is something individual and it can't be typed at all.

So yes, it might have appeared badly and over the top for you to drive by her house, but I think you still care about her no matter what happened. That's the way life actually works for people sometimes. I know myself there's people that drive me up the literal f'n wall and yet after I vent or after I let off some steam I still do something that's seen as caring. This is all personalities aside. Sometimes people just feel that what's right for them is to be of help to others even if others don't deserve it.

The other side to it is that you shouldn't ask her what she did the night before when you know that you might catch her in a lie. Do you understand what I'm saying? I know it happens, so what you did was a human reaction for anyone. I've seen people in my life through the years who get jealous and upset even if 3 friends went out and didn't invite the other one. I've even felt that way when I was younger. The thing is, knowing the truth to your question or the lie to your question most likely isn't going to make you feel good. So in short, don't ask if you can help it.

On another side of it -- she's young. I don't think she even truly knows what she wants or understood completely what you were to her or that she does and like I mentioned to you earlier -- she just wanted to keep you around for when she needed/wanted you.

Personally as a person (maybe that's INFP related as I've read a bit in this thread), I don't want any man up in my business. I have my own life and my own interests. He can come along for the ride, but every waking minute of the day is not going to be dedicated to him. That is not how I function at all. If I can't be myself with a guy... it's not happening. Of course when relationships are new I'm sure it's the "oh gee I want to see him" or "oh gee I want to see her" I imagine for some people, but once that phase is over...you have your own life and I have mine. We'll meet up every day (if we're marred) or a few days a week (if we're dating), but you can't crowd me and I most likely won't really care about every single waking moment of your life so long as you're not out there being... like a criminal or you have some weird addiction/obsession.

I understand how that does get hard for some people though. I have friends... they're not even INFPs nor do I even know of their personalities and they've forgotten who they are because of the guy in their life. We can't even hang out because they don't feel content without the guy coming along. So if this is something that's hard for you grasp, I truly do feel for you and I accept what might be a need.

Still -- something IS up. I don't know what kind of relationship she had with her ex, but if she's jumpy near her phone... is she afraid of him? Was he abusive? What really is the story and why can't she bring you around her parents? That's just... that's not even INFP related I can't imagine. I don't think it's any kind of personality relation either. I think she's just afraid and she's confused and she's immature.

 

[PeaceBaby]

Its the sudden turn in behavour. She was never like this in the 2 months i was seeing her. The only thing i did to her that was negative, was ending it twice with her and saying i wanted to be friends. I never displayed any other negative stuff. Like i said, its the sudden turn in Behavior that kinda freaked me out. Im getting conflicting things from people about this, im confused myself. Some are saying they think i was getting played when i tell them, others that there is nothing suspicious about whats happened. So i dont know anymore. I guess i just want to know whats happened so i can move forward.

What would you ending it two times then getting back together look like to her from her point of view?

 

[Fine_21]

Okay... take a deep breath. Okay... do it again.

I understand a lot of points that were made in this thread from everyone and that's a wonderful thing.

First of all -- I know all about sudden change in behaviors. That's scary for anyone that's close to someone or cares about someone regardless of the type of relationship or even the personality type. Any good person is going to want to figure out what's going on with the other person and if their gut is telling them something is "wrong" then that's it. A gut instinct is something individual and it can't be typed at all.

So yes, it might have appeared badly and over the top for you to drive by her house, but I think you still care about her no matter what happened. That's the way life actually works for people sometimes. I know myself there's people that drive me up the literal f'n wall and yet after I vent or after I let off some steam I still do something that's seen as caring. This is all personalities aside. Sometimes people just feel that what's right for them is to be of help to others even if others don't deserve it.

The other side to it is that you shouldn't ask her what she did the night before when you know that you might catch her in a lie. Do you understand what I'm saying? I know it happens, so what you did was a human reaction for anyone. I've seen people in my life through the years who get jealous and upset even if 3 friends went out and didn't invite the other one. I've even felt that way when I was younger. The thing is, knowing the truth to your question or the lie to your question most likely isn't going to make you feel good. So in short, don't ask if you can help it.

On another side of it -- she's young. I don't think she even truly knows what she wants or understood completely what you were to her or that she does and like I mentioned to you earlier -- she just wanted to keep you around for when she needed/wanted you.

Personally as a person (maybe that's INFP related as I've read a bit in this thread), I don't want any man up in my business. I have my own life and my own interests. He can come along for the ride, but every waking minute of the day is not going to be dedicated to him. That is not how I function at all. If I can't be myself with a guy... it's not happening. Of course when relationships are new I'm sure it's the "oh gee I want to see him" or "oh gee I want to see her" I imagine for some people, but once that phase is over...you have your own life and I have mine. We'll meet up every day (if we're marred) or a few days a week (if we're dating), but you can't crowd me and I most likely won't really care about every single waking moment of your life so long as you're not out there being... like a criminal or you have some weird addiction/obsession.

I understand how that does get hard for some people though. I have friends... they're not even INFPs nor do I even know of their personalities and they've forgotten who they are because of the guy in their life. We can't even hang out because they don't feel content without the guy coming along. So if this is something that's hard for you grasp, I truly do feel for you and I accept what might be a need.

Still -- something IS up. I don't know what kind of relationship she had with her ex, but if she's jumpy near her phone... is she afraid of him? Was he abusive? What really is the story and why can't she bring you around her parents? That's just... that's not even INFP related I can't imagine. I don't think it's any kind of personality relation either. I think she's just afraid and she's confused and she's immature.

Confused, immature, afraid yes. She said she was scared because how deeply she felt for me. Ill never know if this was authentic, maybe INFPs carnt do that, say that stuff if they don't mean it just to play somebody along. Look, i know how my posts looks, i don't wanna be in someone elses constant, and be always knowing what there doing, i just could not trust this girl because of the things she was saying "Dont wanna seen with you by my dad" "Can't walk certain places because of ex" loads of other things just drive me nuts, and then when she started backing off a bit, it just drove me a bit crazy. Switching from ALWAYS messaging me, like she would get annoyed if didn't message back quick, and she would say she needed constant attention! She would always be messaging, say a Friday, she would mention what she was doing, but then this week, complete behavour change. Just nothing. And yeh, so i assumed the worse. Especially because i did end it with her twice, i thought maybe ive pushed her away, hurt her.

One night i went out with friends for drinks, and she kept messaging, asking what i was upto, she wouldn't leave me alone for a night out. Like she was afraid of me doing something i dunno? The whole experience has just drove me crazy. All the inconstant behavior, and the things she would say, just brought out the necrotic side of me. TBO, i never displayed any neurotic behavour with her, i wasn't always messaging or anything like that, i was laid back, but its just this week, the sudden change.

 

[Fine_21]

I don't know how i should feel, bad? Do i need to change? Am i wrong here? I guess these are the answers im looking for. Maybe i wont get them. Should i be beating myself up? Have a fucked up, or were my thoughts and insecurities justified. I just don't know. It all comes down to i wasn't feeling secure in this, and i ended it twice, which obviously wouldn't of kept her close. I have this problem with talking about these problems with girls, things that are bothering me. Like i will be seen as less alpha, and push them away.

 

[Virgo1987]

Confused, immature, afraid yes. She said she was scared because how deeply she felt for me. Ill never know if this was authentic, maybe INFPs carnt do that, say that stuff if they don't mean it just to play somebody along. Look, i know how my posts looks, i don't wanna be in someone elses constant, and be always knowing what there doing, i just could not trust this girl because of the things she was saying "Dont wanna seen with you by my dad" "Can't walk certain places because of ex" loads of other things just drive me nuts, and then when she started backing off a bit, it just drove me a bit crazy. Switching from ALWAYS messaging me, like she would get annoyed if didn't message back quick, and she would say she needed constant attention! She would always be messaging, say a Friday, she would mention what she was doing, but then this week, complete behavour change. Just nothing. And yeh, so i assumed the worse. Especially because i did end it with her twice, i thought maybe ive pushed her away, hurt her.

One night i went out with friends for drinks, and she kept messaging, asking what i was upto, she wouldn't leave me alone for a night out. Like she was afraid of me doing something i dunno? The whole experience has just drove me crazy. All the inconstant behavior, and the things she would say, just brought out the necrotic side of me. TBO, i never displayed any neurotic behavour with her, i wasn't always messaging or anything like that, i was laid back, but its just this week, the sudden change.

I think anyone of any personality is capable of playing somebody if that's something they want to do. It's the sad truth, but I don't think personality has anything to do with that.

You have every right not to trust her. You not trusting her is not a flaw in your personality or you as a person when it comes to this situation.

When anyone "hides" you away from certain places and people, it's just not...typical. I can understand someone keeping others at bay, but usually when someone says "I don't want so and so to see us. I don't want so and so to not see us." that's the mentality of someone sneaking around for some reason that would certainly alarm the average person. When someone keeps someone at pay they don't say things like that... they don't even say much of anything, they just talk around it or they change the subject.

Look -- even if you hurt her, it happens. People get hurt all the time and of course it's something that nobody truly ever wants to do, but don't beat yourself up over it. Besides, aren't you hurt as well? I understand you wanting to figure some things out though, but I'm surprised that her telling you what she about not wanting you to be seen by so and so hurtful.

I can understand where you're coming from. Contacting all the time and then not contacting, but you have to realize that as an INFJ you need your alone time. So her texting you all of a sudden, every single minute of the day or a lot would drain your energy in a minute.

Maybe she was afraid of you doing something, but it isn't any of her business anyway. You two never truly established a 'real' relationship in the first place and there's too much shady behavior coming from her for you to even be able to figure out what is truly going on.

I think neither of you even trusted each other and that's why I think the both of you shouldn't have even tried to have a relationship in the first place. Sometimes trust takes time, but if there isn't any trust there...nothing lasts in the romantic sense. I think that's a complete need to make a romantic relationship work. Maybe I'm wrong or I'm individual.

I think the both of you are immature, but I feel you're slightly more mature than she is -- but all the back and forth and back and forth would drive anyone nuts especially if it started that way in the first place.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Its the sudden turn in behavour. She was never like this in the 2 months i was seeing her. The only thing i did to her that was negative, was ending it twice with her and saying i wanted to be friends. I never displayed any other negative stuff. Like i said, its the sudden turn in Behavior that kinda freaked me out. Im getting conflicting things from people about this, im confused myself. Some are saying they think i was getting played when i tell them, others that there is nothing suspicious about whats happened. So i dont know anymore. I guess i just want to know whats happened so i can move forward.

This might make someone not prioritize the relationship....which would very much explain her sudden distancing. If someone kept breaking up with me, then I'd not get too invested right away if we got back together. Each time might make me more and more wary, especially if old patterns resurface quickly.

Also, when you first began dating & then resumed dating after the break-ups, did you explicitly agree to being exclusive and committed?
If not, then she may be well within her rights to see other men, although there is not much here to suggest that (all of these little details seem blown out of proportion to me, honestly).

I mean, it sounds more like you have been talking and dating on and off, not that you have been in serious, committed, exclusive relationship.

If that is her perspective, then it may seem especially prying for someone to want to know where they are, what they are doing, and with who all the time. Even if there is nothing to hide, that may make someone evasive out of annoyance.

I personally will get increasingly vague and clam up the more someone tries to pry into my schedule or actions, despite having nothing to hide. It is my way of asserting boundaries and my independence.

I know the driving past to see the car was there was bad, i guess i just wanted to know for sure, i wanted to know what was going on, its tempting when your literally over the road from that person, and there behavior seems inconsistant. Doing the makes me feel immature, stupid, and crazy, but i was going crazy with all of this.

It seems like this relationship doesn't bring out the best in either of you...something to think about.

 

[Fine_21]

This might make someone not prioritize the relationship....which would very much explain her sudden distancing. If someone kept breaking up with me, then I'd not get too invested right away if we got back together. Each time might make me more and more wary, especially if old patterns resurface quickly.

Also, when you first began dating & then resumed dating after the break-ups, did you explicitly agree to being exclusive and committed?
If not, then she may be well within her rights to see other men, although there is not much here to suggest that (all of these little details seem blown out of proportion to me, honestly).

I mean, it sounds more like you have been talking and dating on and off, not that you have been in serious, committed, exclusive relationship.

If that is her perspective, then it may seem especially prying for someone to want to know where they are, what they are doing, and with who all the time. Even if there is nothing to hide, that may make someone evasive out of annoyance.

I personally will get increasingly vague and clam up the more someone tries to pry into my schedule or actions, despite having nothing to hide. It is my way of asserting boundaries and my independence.



It seems like this relationship doesn't bring out the best in either of you...something to think about.

I was never prying into what she was doing, when and why. Maybe a little this week if im honest. I wanted to be in a exclusive relationship with her, but from the signs, i dunno, i didn't think she wanted that. The 2nd time i ended it thou, she did ask i wanted to be with her 'properly' but i dunno, i just sensed something wasn't right with this as Virgo has said to be. I just kinda felt, if someone did want more, they would be aware of what they were saying was coming across and how that would make someone feel, and explain these things. But she never. She was only in the moment with me, wanting to enjoy herself, have fun. She never really brought up any serious discussion with me much.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

To me, the random disapperances at night, admitting to be with a male "friend", the random behavior looks like she has been seeing someone else at the same time as you, most likey her ex, but maybe a different guy entirely.

The behavior just seems suspicious. I put nothing onto type here (you both may be mistyped) and just need to say sorry you have been treated this way.

I don't find you without error, but your behavior appears largely in reaction to her erratic behavior.

Move on. You don't need this in your life. There are plenty of women that will not do all this to you. It just isn't worth the trouble that she seems to be.

 

[Virgo1987]

I don't know how i should feel, bad? Do i need to change? Am i wrong here? I guess these are the answers im looking for. Maybe i wont get them. Should i be beating myself up? Have a fucked up, or were my thoughts and insecurities justified. I just don't know. It all comes down to i wasn't feeling secure in this, and i ended it twice, which obviously wouldn't of kept her close. I have this problem with talking about these problems with girls, things that are bothering me. Like i will be seen as less alpha, and push them away.

Don't feel bad... to the point you feel it's entirely your fault.

There's always no harm in self-improvement/corrective change within yourself.

When it comes to any kind of relationship -- everybody is wrong. Some more, some less. It happens. From interactions to emotions to everything else...so long as people are talking to people, everybody is wrong because each person is going to find something that jars them. It's just human nature. You're both wrong.

Never be yourself up though... I understand. I do the same thing to myself... I've done it all my life practically. Sometimes more sometimes less. The important thing is that you tried to do the right thing and for that, you must cut yourself some slack.

On an immature level I think your thoughts and insecurities were justified, but immaturity can sometimes come out in a person of any age. So even "mature" people can act immaturely when they're hurt/confused/and generally showing human emotion.

If you aren't secure with yourself, you can't expect the other person to make you secure. It doesn't work that way so maybe try to fix your insecurities somewhat, but always remember that not everyone in the world eventually gets to the point in their lives where they are secure about everything. Sometimes even the littlest thing still makes someone insecure, but don't worry about it because a lot of the time that makes someone appear very endearing to other people. Everyone has flaws.

Eh... I'm not sure if this might help you, but maybe it will in the sense of being seen less alpha. Elliott has a lot of great videos. He's interesting to watch. In this video he says "There is a significant element of femininity present in the alpha male."

 

[Fine_21]

To me, the random disapperances at night, admitting to be with a male "friend", the random behavior looks like she has been seeing someone else at the same time as you, most likey her ex, but maybe a different guy entirely.

The behavior just seems suspicious. I put nothing onto type here (you both may be mistyped) and just need to say sorry you have been treated this way.

I don't find you without error, but your behavior appears largely in reaction to her erratic behavior.

Move on. You don't need this in your life. There are plenty of women that will not do all this to you. It just isn't worth the trouble that she seems to be.

The random disappearances at night differently brought me concern. Its drove me crazy and started to bring out the worst in me. Tbo, the disappearing only started happening in the past week alot but on the odd occasions within the past 2 months too. Disappearing and turning her phone on flight mode, i mean, come on. Also, you said u dont find me without error, of course, i would agree but could you explain your observations for my clarity?

I really want to become a mature person, do the right thing, react correctly. But like u said, this has just brought out the worst in me.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

The random disappearances at night differently brought me concern. Its drove me crazy and started to bring out the worst in me. Tbo, the disappearing only started happening in the past week alot but on the odd occasions within the past 2 months too. Disappearing and turning her phone on flight mode, i mean, come on. Also, you said u dont find me without error, of course, i would agree but could you explain your observations for my clarity?

I really want to become a mature person, do the right thing, react correctly. But like u said, this has just brought out the worst in me.

I don't know you enough to give more than a general sense. You may have engaged in actions that indicated mistrust and doubt. I don't know what emotions you displayed when talking with her (and young INFJs are not always good at masking negative thoughts and feelings). If you are really a INFJ, you most likely push emotions on others unconsciously and these can be disturbing to Fi doms, who can feel constrained and suffocated by strong Fe.

I suspect she was drawn to you like you were to her, but it is a difficult thing to navigate even when both parties are healthy. I have been married to my ISFP wife for 21 years and it is still very difficult at times. Well, most of the time......

As to growth, focus on getting in better touch with your own body and develop Se. Being outdoors, exercise, meditation, and such could really help. Try to turn off the brain and just live. It really can help.....

 

[Fine_21]

I don't know you enough to give more than a general sense. You may have engaged in actions that indicated mistrust and doubt. I don't know what emotions you displayed when talking with her (and young INFJs are not always good at masking negative thoughts and feelings). If you are really a INFJ, you most likely push emotions on others unconsciously and these can be disturbing to Fi doms, who can feel constrained and suffocated by strong Fe.

I suspect she was drawn to you like you were to her, but it is a difficult thing to navigate even when both parties are healthy. I have been married to my ISFP wife for 21 years and it is still very difficult at times. Well, most of the time......

As to growth, focus on getting in better touch with your own body and develop Se. Being outdoors, exercise, meditation, and such could really help. Try to turn off the brain and just live. It really can help.....

How could i know i was doing that, pushing them onto others? Is this something i can control? Would you be able to give me an example of this?
?

 

[SearchingforPeace]

How could i know i was doing that, pushing them onto others? Is this something i can control? Would you be able to give me an example of this?
?

Sure. In my younger years, I was completely unaware of my own emotions, having suppressed them since childhood. I thought I was above emotions and completely logical.

Where I worked, it was an unhealthy place with very bad people for the most part. I never criticized my bosses or my job, but I am sure I put off very bad emotions to everyone, a recognition that my employers just were bad people. The vibe there was awful.

Many times they just got randomly angry at me, even though my work was superior and I never complained. So, I am pretty sure they felt my unconscious hostility for them. I just didn't fit in with those guys.....

NFJs spend a lot of time in everyone else's emotions, but struggle with their own. I am sure I had similar situations at other times, but this one sticks out....

Fe pulls and pushes on everyone around the FJ. This can be warm and protective, but also suffocating. My ENFP friend says her ENFJ ex just crushed her individuality as he tried to shape her in his vision....she fought hard to have the will to divorce him......

 

[OrangeAppled]

I was never prying into what she was doing, when and why. Maybe a little this week if im honest. I wanted to be in a exclusive relationship with her, but from the signs, i dunno, i didn't think she wanted that. The 2nd time i ended it thou, she did ask i wanted to be with her 'properly' but i dunno, i just sensed something wasn't right with this as Virgo has said to be. I just kinda felt, if someone did want more, they would be aware of what they were saying was coming across and how that would make someone feel, and explain these things. But she never. She was only in the moment with me, wanting to enjoy herself, have fun. She never really brought up any serious discussion with me much.

It seems she did initiate a conversation about an exclusive relationship, but you declined it. Doesn't that give her the freedom to do as she pleases? She can see other men if she wants to. If you didn't want to commit, then that was your choice, which you have every right to as well. If you did want more, then you could have expressed that. Reading "signs" is a quick way to have a misunderstanding with someone.

I think it has been explained already how IxFPs, especially when young, are somewhat oblivious to social protocol, and interpreting their behavior according to "what people should do if they feel a certain way" is quickly going to create misunderstanding.

You cannot assume people know what things mean or what they want, etc; you must communicate with them about it.

Communication was obviously not happening....

To me, the random disapperances at night, admitting to be with a male "friend", the random behavior looks like she has been seeing someone else at the same time as you, most likey her ex, but maybe a different guy entirely.

The behavior just seems suspicious. I put nothing onto type here (you both may be mistyped) and just need to say sorry you have been treated this way.

I don't find you without error, but your behavior appears largely in reaction to her erratic behavior.

Move on. You don't need this in your life. There are plenty of women that will not do all this to you. It just isn't worth the trouble that she seems to be.

There is nothing "suspicious" about this because that would make her suspect of doing something wrong, but how could that be when they were not in an exclusive, committed relationship?

She had a right to date other people (if that is what she was doing) and go wherever she wants without explaining anything to him. They weren't in an exclusive relationship and had merely been dating on and off, since he broke it off several times before.

I agree he should move on, but I think communication was more of their issue than this particular girl being shady.

 

[narcissistic]

[MENTION=29181]Fine_21[/MENTION]

Basically these are differences between you two in terms of MBTI typing:

 

[SearchingforPeace]

There is nothing "suspicious" about this because that would make her suspect of doing something wrong, but how could that be when they were not in an exclusive, committed relationship?

She had a right to date other people (if that is what she was doing) and go wherever she wants without explaining anything to him. They weren't in an exclusive relationship and had merely been dating on and off, since he broke it off several times before.

I agree he should move on, but I think communication was more of their issue than this particular girl being shady.

Lol, got to love female and Fi solidarity

She was shady from the very beginning. "Oh, no, my ex may see us, so we can't walk around town". "I hope my dad doesn't see us."

And then there is her behavior...... she is the one trying to keep them together when he tries to break up, calling him "her love" but she is meanwhile apparently off seeing one or more other guys.

Let's reverse this. Let's say Fine was spending dates messaging girls, going for hookups and booty calls, calling her his love and begging her to stay, while seeing a bunch of other girls, disappearing at times, asking her to come pick him up from an obvious hookup, and so forth. Sorry, but he would be getting double barrels of criticism here.

He might even say, "Hey, we never committed to exclusivity", but he would be abused here as a PUA.

So, yeah, they lacked communication clarity, but it seems because she was being extremely dishonest. And perhaps has deeper issues.

Sure, we are only getting his story and he is biased and may be leaving out details, but based upon what he has related, the girl is trouble....

 

[PeaceBaby]

She didn't want to have sex the first night, which was different for me.

What about this was different for you?

The following weeks into the dating, when trying to go out with her, she wanted to avoid walking around the town centre incase her ex seen us together. I pulled her up about this and she explained she the breakup with him is still quite fresh and she doesn't want to hurt him.

What did you ask when you asked the question?

Another thing that bothered me was driving to pick up a pizza once, she said "i hope my Dad doesn't see me here". I kinda through me, as i was taking up and paying for this food, and all she mentioned was worried about her parent seeing her in the car with me. This started to get my mind going, the relationship started to get into my head. I asked her about this and she said she wants to make sure i stick around, before introducing me.

What did you ask when you asked the question? How did you phrase it?

With the other alarm bells going off, i started to wonder if she was messaging other people. She has said to me she has alot of lad mates. When i brought up if anyone else was on the radar, she replied, 'not really' i kinda joked about that comment and left it at that.5 weeks into the relationship i still feeling kinda uncomfortable with certain things, i started to notice she wasn't replying as fast with messages, still fast but i dunno noticed a different, she would leave my messages longer before reading them on whats app. I started to get more and more paranoid she was talking to other lads. This coupled with the fact, i had taken her out for loads of meals, spent quite a bit of money, and on the 5ths week she arranged with her mates to go out into the town on a night out. That was fine, but i dunno, she has been paid, she knew i was skint, and i kinda felt a bit unappreciated and maybe she would now return the favour and want to do something with me

What were you expecting her to do with you? What did you say when you felt like this?

I told her i was still unhappy, and the things i bought up last night nothing had changed. She asked what i wanted, if i wanted to be with her properly. I brought up all the things that where bothering me on a message, but she only replied and answered half of them. That was on the Thursday.

What were all these things? How did you express these?

I've got the thing in my head im being played. Im wondering if anyone maybe has advice for me on this situation, maybe had similar experience with an INFP women?

What would she be playing you for?

If you can get through some of these questions, I can help you figure out the dynamics.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I don't see a reason to interpret much of what was described the way you are doing. Talk about ascribing the worst motives possible...

Why would anyone want to run into an ex, especially with a new date? Her reason is perfectly fine.

Some people don't want family to meet someone they are casually dating. I don't like that either. Unless something is serious and there is some commitment, then I'd rather not involve family or friends. That's not shady..... It's how some people choose to organize their life. This is exactly why I told the OP to not make assumptions when interpreting behavior.

I had reversed the situation in my mind as far as gender and I felt people would see a jealous woman making an assumption about a relationship status with a man who had made no commitment, expecting stuff she had no right to expect at that point, as well as showing clingy, stalkerish behavior. A man would be driven away or pull back in such a scenario and most would grasp why.

The bottom line is unless you agree to be in an exclusive relationship, then the other person has the right to date others. If you don't want that, then you have to communicate and be on the same page.

So much of the rest of this are assumptions based on little more than the OP's paranoia. She asked him to pick her up from a hookup? Nope, didn't read that part, and it seems quite a leap.

She may actually have been quite honest, but it bit her in the butt because he took a few facts and blew them into something else.

Lol, got to love female and Fi solidarity

She was shady from the very beginning. "Oh, no, my ex may see us, so we can't walk around town". "I hope my dad doesn't see us."

And then there is her behavior...... she is the one trying to keep them together when he tries to break up, calling him "her love" but she is meanwhile apparently off seeing one or more other guys.

Let's reverse this. Let's say Fine was spending dates messaging girls, going for hookups and booty calls, calling her his love and begging her to stay, while seeing a bunch of other girls, disappearing at times, asking her to come pick him up from an obvious hookup, and so forth. Sorry, but he would be getting double barrels of criticism here.

He might even say, "Hey, we never committed to exclusivity", but he would be abused here as a PUA.

So, yeah, they lacked communication clarity, but it seems because she was being extremely dishonest. And perhaps has deeper issues.

Sure, we are only getting his story and he is biased and may be leaving out details, but based upon what he has related, the girl is trouble....

 

[SearchingforPeace]

I don't see a reason to interpret much of what was described the way you are doing. Talk about ascribing the worst motives possible...

Why would anyone want to run into an ex, especially with a new date? Her reason is perfectly fine.

Some people don't want family to meet someone they are casually dating. I don't like that either. Unless something is serious and there is some commitment, then I'd rather not involve family or friends. That's not shady..... It's how some people choose to organize their life. This is exactly why I told the OP to not make assumptions when interpreting behavior.

I had reversed the situation in my mind as far as gender and I felt people would see a jealous woman making an assumption about a relationship status with a man who had made no commitment, expecting stuff she had no right to expect at that point, as well as showing clingy, stalkerish behavior. A man would be driven away or pull back in such a scenario and most would grasp why.

The bottom line is unless you agree to be in an exclusive relationship, then the other person has the right to date others. If you don't want that, then you have to communicate and be on the same page.

So much of the rest of this are assumptions based on little more than the OP's paranoia. She asked him to pick her up from a hookup? Nope, didn't read that part, and it seems quite a leap.

She may actually have been quite honest, but it bit her in the butt because he took a few facts and blew them into something else.

You seem stuck on the "exclusive relationship" angle. You also seem to be misreading what Fine posted.

Fine tried multiple times to dial the relationship down to casual level and she rejected it and instead ramped up affection for the short time.

If it were as casual as you keep trying to insist, then why did she keep pushing the idea of the relationship going forward and rejecting the idea of dialing it back? It does not fit the information we have.

As such, it appears she did consider this a dating relationship with some level of commitment. Yet she continued the behavior pattern he found troubling after he told her explicitly that it was this behavior that was interfering with the relationship.

If she just wanted yet another lad to toy with and use, then maybe she needed to be honest and upfront about it. "Hey, I see a lot of other guys, too. It is how I roll. And so sometimes I might be unavailable for you, because I might be with them. I like you and things may develop later on, but I am not cutting off all my other lads just because I got a new one." Just a little bit of honesty and clarity, instead of stringing him along.

But I doubt she is willing to do that and most likey all her other BFs are kept in the dark as well.

Now, maybe Fine was just running with Ni overdrive paranoia. Maybe.

But all the evidence before us makes it pretty clear he was justified in being suspicious about her.

In any event, I believe he should stay away from her.

If she contacts him, he should address his concerns and ask for complete and honest answers before he agrees to continue. If she wants to date him, she should be willing to be honest.

 

[Fine_21]

You seem stuck on the "exclusive relationship" angle. You also seem to be misreading what Fine posted.

Fine tried multiple times to dial the relationship down to casual level and she rejected it and instead ramped up affection for the short time.

If it were as casual as you keep trying to insist, then why did she keep pushing the idea of the relationship going forward and rejecting the idea of dialing it back? It does not fit the information we have.

As such, it appears she did consider this a dating relationship with some level of commitment. Yet she continued the behavior pattern he found troubling after he told her explicitly that it was this behavior that was interfering with the relationship.

If she just wanted yet another lad to toy with and use, then maybe she needed to be honest and upfront about it. "Hey, I see a lot of other guys, too. It is how I roll. And so sometimes I might be unavailable for you, because I might be with them. I like you and things may develop later on, but I am not cutting off all my other lads just because I got a new one." Just a little bit of honesty and clarity, instead of stringing him along.

But I doubt she is willing to do that and most likey all her other BFs are kept in the dark as well.

Now, maybe Fine was just running with Ni overdrive paranoia. Maybe.

But all the evidence before us makes it pretty clear he was justified in being suspicious about her.

In any event, I believe he should stay away from her.

If she contacts him, he should address his concerns and ask for complete and honest answers before he agrees to continue. If she wants to date him, she should be willing to be honest.

I think she did see it that way, at least at one point maybe before i told her i wanted to be friends the 2nd time. She wouldn't stop texting me one night when i was out with friends, asking what i was doing and why i wasn't texting her back with long replies anymore. I did see this as a relationship with commitment, and i wouldn't of done anything myself.

The fast is, this is a mess. I'm torn between wondering if she was a player/leading me on (Her behavior) or was this just the way she was and maybe i have some learning to do and growing to do, accepting that everyone is different and maybe this girl was just like this. I don't know, and will probably never know. This is what is tearing me up. I guess either way it was, i can still learn from this. There are details i have missed out thou that i can only now just think about. The second time i said i just wanted to be friends and backed off, she texts me asking why, and what were my problems. I explained, the ex thing, the family thing, the being edgy round her phone in-front of me, the saying 'Not really' when i asked if she had anyone else on the rader. She only answered about the phone, saying shes an anxious person. She gave no other answers to my questions.