I need ISTJs input..

[itsapizza]

.. or whomever might have some input to spare. I apologize in advance for the wall of text — believe me, I tried to be as concise as possible.

I’m crushing on an ISTJ guy, and from the 2 and 2 I’ve put together, I think there’s interest on his part, but I’m not sure if that’s just my wishful thinking or if there’s actually something there.

Here are some scenarios:

1. You are not friends. You are a barista and he’s a customer. He keeps coming to the coffee shop you work at — literally almost every day of the week — even after you spent months writing stupid little messages on his cup, which ranged from “have a nice day” to “you are cool” to “come more often” — yes, I wanna die. And to make matters even better, you didn’t really speak to one another in this phase. And you might have also given him a little present for Christmas because for whatever reason, you thought it was a good idea at the time — let’s die even more. Yet, it’s been 4 months since, and he’s still coming to your cafe. And by coming I don’t mean pay and go, but pay and park himself there for hours.

2. You are now entering the realm of friendship, thanks to the new discovery that one of your long lost good friends is a good friend of his. So you start to hang out as a trio after your shift, but he’s a wall so you are a wall as well. Most of the times he doesn’t give you the time of day, and so do you. But then at random times he decides to tell you things such as the full, super detailed story of how and why he broke up with his ex of 9 years.

3. It’s your day off, and you go to your coffee shop to work on your computer. You go upstairs and don’t expect to see him. When you see each other he gestures for you to go sit with him. This is the first time. You go as the good dog you are.

4. It’s once again your day off and you are at your coffee shop working on your computer on the second floor — yes, I’m a creature of habit. He comes in, you don’t see him but he sees you. He comes up to you and asks you if you want to go sit with him downstairs, but it’s okay if you want to sit separate. Again, you become the good dog that you are. As most times, you sit in silence but once in a while there are interactions. He asks you to look at his presentation and give feedback, and so you do.

5. It’s your birthday. Your friend, who’s also your coworker, is organizing your kind of get together (4 people total lol). When said friend asks the guy to come, he says he’ll think about it. As it gets closer to the birthday, he texts the friend you have in common to ask when it’s your birthday, and later that week asks your coworker, the same thing, and when the party is. Mind you, he had been told everything a month prior. And now, he says once again that he will think about it, because that same Sunday his friends want to get together. To your surprise, he does show up, but he leaves early. Also, he didn’t text you on your birthday, or ever for that matter, but the day after your birthday you wake up to his text — “it’s a little late but happy birthday.”

6. You start to sit together at the cafe, alone, more often. And you begin to notice that the expressionless wall is starting to dance to the music he listens to, to hum, to look more comfortable, to smile, to talk more, to ask for your opinion on his projects. He even gives you some of his candies (which he offered to your coworker too) and shares the little snack he has with you. He even starts showing when he’s frustrated and annoyed. It’s like all of a sudden he’s allowing you to see him for the multilayered onion he is.

7. He has arguably the biggest interview of his life to date, and asks for your help with the brief. So you work on it together for prolonged periods of time. And that’s where you are right now.

Here’s some extra information that might add to the picture:

Even though, from my understanding, he has quite a few female friends, I’ve never really seen how he interacts with them (apart from 2 cases which I will elaborate in a second), so it’s hard for me to gauge whether I’m treated differently or not.
Case 1 — when we strictly had a barista-customer dynamic, he used to come in with a girl, or meet up with her and work with her at the coffee shop. I wasn’t sure if she was his girlfriend or not, so my coworker (who’s also the one that helped break the ice and have him start to be more friendly towards us) asked him, but he told her she was not his girlfriend and actually his younger sister’s friend. On another occasion, she was already at the cafe and he came in later, and my coworker jokingly said “your girlfriend is here”, to which he responded that she’s not. Then my coworker proceeded to ask why not, and he responded he wanted to focus on his studies and finding a job. After that, we’ve never see the girl again.
Case 2 — he came into the cafe with a girl to buy coffee, holding a bouquet. Yes, my brain went off on that one, but turns out she gave it to him as a thank you since he looked at her project and gave her feedback. He also sometimes babysits her dog. But here enters my coworker in the picture again — she’s my wing man lol. We are all friends on Instagram so she replied to his story and asked if the bouquet was for her lol. To which he explained the situation, and my worker told him he’s lucky and he said “not interested hahahaha.”

Now, to touch upon his “finishing his studies and finding a job” — I get it. I believe that’s his goal and priority, and I can see and understand how feelings, a relationship, and/or a person would be a distraction. So I have no expectations of anything progressing at this time, but that doesn’t necessarily means he doesn’t bear feelings or emotions.

He has a lot of friends and would come to the cafe often, but still spend more time outside of the cafe. But these days he comes much more and seems to stay longer too, and we usually hang out after my shift. That said, I haven’t seen him since he had his big interview, but I think that’s because he didn’t get the job, so he’s introverting in his cave, which again, I understand.

When we sit together, it’s usually quiet for the most part, but it’s not awkward at all. It’s actually quite enjoyable. We each work on our stuff but are in each other’s company. He initiates conversation more than I do, but they are not long, which is fine.

So — what’s your take on all this?

 

[Luminous]

First of all, you're adorable. I think the messages on the cups and the whole story is just so cute, and nothing to die inside over (though I completely understand the sentiment -I've been there).

Second, he clearly likes you, at least as a friend. If he didn't, he wouldn't have kept coming back and wouldn't hang out with you. Now the question is whether he's dense, I think. It seems obvious as an outside person that you like him and are interested in more than friendship, but it may not be so obvious to him. Did he seem to realize that the girl who gave him flowers was likely interested? If not, he's dense.

It seems like he didn't want you to get the idea that he had something going with the girl who suddenly stopped appearing, with the timing of her disappearance.

Perhaps he needs to take it slow, especially if he just got out of a relationship? My best guess is that there's interest on his part or he's dense. Otherwise, if he was aware you are interested, and he's not, he wouldn't spend so much time with you and around you and find reasons to be near you. He likely came to your party and left early because he'd already agreed to see his friends but wanted to come to your party enough to also do that, even for a little while.

Is there any physical contact?

Good luck. I hope something happy comes from it.

 

[itsapizza]

First of all, you're adorable. I think the messages on the cups and the whole story is just so cute, and nothing to die inside over (though I completely understand the sentiment -I've been there).

Second, he clearly likes you, at least as a friend. If he didn't, he wouldn't have kept coming back and wouldn't hang out with you. Now the question is whether he's dense, I think. It seems obvious as an outside person that you like him and are interested in more than friendship, but it may not be so obvious to him. Did he seem to realize that the girl who gave him flowers was likely interested? If not, he's dense.

It seems like he didn't want you to get the idea that he had something going with the girl who suddenly stopped appearing, with the timing of her disappearance.

Perhaps he needs to take it slow, especially if he just got out of a relationship? My best guess is that there's interest on his part or he's dense. Otherwise, if he was aware you are interested, and he's not, he wouldn't spend so much time with you and around you and find reasons to be near you. He likely came to your party and left early because he'd already agreed to see his friends but wanted to come to your party enough to also do that, even for a little while.

Is there any physical contact?

Good luck. I hope something happy comes from it.

Hi Luminous, thank you for taking the time to read and reply <3

I'm not sure if he's dense or not. Again, I find him hard to read, but I get the feeling he knows, or at least has questioned it. He's extremely observant and clever, so something tells me that he has an idea. But then again, me being obvious might seem obvious to me, but not to him, or others. For example, the friend we have in common was dumbfounded when he found out. He had no idea, he just thought I was behaving in a weird manner and maybe hated the guy haha. I'm the kind of person that becomes playful and more extroverted when I'm around my people, but around the person I like, I get so quiet and I don't show anything, because internally I'm freaking out and don't know how to react. I analyze a lot, and tend to mirror too. So I just play wall haha. But it's gotten better with the ISTJ guy, especially in the last couple of weeks, because we got the chance to spend more time just the two of us, so now the wall is gone. Or at least, it's there the first couple minutes until I readjust and start being more "myself."

About the girl with the bouquet -- I think he did, or at least that's my understanding from the exchange of messages he had with my coworker. This was the exchange:

Coworker: For a moment I thought the flowers were for me hahaha jk.
ISTJ: Hahahaha. My friend gave them to me because I looked at her work.
Coworker: Aww that's so sweet. Lucky boy!
ISTJ: Not interested hahaha.
Coworker: *crying-laughing emojis" You're a bad boy.
And he liked the "you're a bad boy."

So I see it as him acknowledging the fact he doesn't care, nor sees her in a special way.

I don't know much of his dating history, but by my calculations in terms of timeline, the 9-year relationship ended more than a few years ago. But I don't know if he had anything else between that breakup and now.

As for physical contact, there's not much. I'm scared of stepping on his boundaries, or coming off too strong, so I never initiate. I don't know what is comfortable to him, and I don't want to disrespect that. I'm not sure this is relevant, but he's Korean, so there's some cultural aspects that might be playing into it too. We hugged a couple times, when saying bye to each other. On the day of my birthday, when he got there he came up to me, said happy birthday and hugged me. Our "communal" friend was there too, but he didn't hug him haha. And that same night before he left, he hugged me and was gonna leave, but my coworker hugged him too. And our other friend got left out in the cold once again lol. Now that I think about it, he seems to have been the one to initiate the little seemingly irrelevant physical touches. Another time, we were hanging out at the cafe working on our own stuff, and he was sitting next to me. I was editing, but he would touch/tap my arm whenever he needed me or had questions for me about the project he was working on. I'm not sure this classifies as physical touch, but in terms of personal space, he doesn't seem to have a problem being really close to me. During one of the days we were working on his brief for the interview, he was first sitting across from me, but then moved next to me and stayed there. We were really close, like our arms were touching, sometimes our hands too. And of course our faces were pretty close too, but I didn't feel any awkwardness on either side.

 

[Luminous]

The friend you have in common, is he any help in figuring it out?

It seems to me he likes you, but he could be dense. Sorry I don't have better advice.

 

[Coriolis]

@Luminous is on the right track when she says he likes you, and he may be dense. It is quite possible to be both. I know I have been in that situation. It can take people like us a long time to recognize how we feel about something, or someone, and even longer to process it to the point of deciding if it makes sense and how we want to act upon it. This person's behavior is certainly that of someone who not only likes you, but is comfortable enough around you to relax a bit and let you see beyond the default public persona. I don't think he would have gone to your birthday party at all if he didn't like you, at least as a friend. The delay in texting birthday wishes is something I have done multiple times myself. It does not reflect a lack of concern for or interest in the other person, just the fact that our attention can be diverted into something else to the point where other things fall outside our focus.

Now, to touch upon his “finishing his studies and finding a job” — I get it. I believe that’s his goal and priority, and I can see and understand how feelings, a relationship, and/or a person would be a distraction. So I have no expectations of anything progressing at this time, but that doesn’t necessarily means he doesn’t bear feelings or emotions.

He has a lot of friends and would come to the cafe often, but still spend more time outside of the cafe. But these days he comes much more and seems to stay longer too, and we usually hang out after my shift. That said, I haven’t seen him since he had his big interview, but I think that’s because he didn’t get the job, so he’s introverting in his cave, which again, I understand.

When we sit together, it’s usually quiet for the most part, but it’s not awkward at all. It’s actually quite enjoyable. We each work on our stuff but are in each other’s company. He initiates conversation more than I do, but they are not long, which is fine.

So — what’s your take on all this?

What do want to do? Do you feel the need to say something to him about the nature of your relationship, or is it enough just to keep interacting as you have been? It can be tempting to hold back in order not to overwhelm him or scare him off. This is wise, to a point. Especially if he is dense, he may need you to take the initiative in articulating how you feel or what you want. Even something simple like, "I'm glad we met. I enjoy spending time together." is fairly low-pressure, but removes any doubt he may have. How he responds may be very instructive.

 

[itsapizza]

The friend you have in common, is he any help in figuring it out?

It seems to me he likes you, but he could be dense. Sorry I don't have better advice.

No need to apologize, you contributed more than you think

As for the friend we have in common, he found out on my birthday, so it hasn't been long. About 3 weeks? But he said he would help. However, he just started a new job and was also sick, so I haven't seen him lately, so not much development on that frontier. But funny enough, the fact he's been busy has been a good thing, because it forced me and the guy to hang out one-on-one without relying on him as the bridge. And the most development I've see in our interactions and relation to one another, has been over these weeks.

In terms of the advice/suggestions he gave me -- he said to text him, but I'm awful when it comes to it lol. I normally don't start conversations, and don't text unless there is a reason for me to. So to text him just to text.. it makes no sense to me. But for example, I did text him the day of the interview to wish him good luck. The other thing was to wait a little longer. To wait for him to settle his work situation.

 

[itsapizza]

@Luminous is on the right track when she says he likes you, and he may be dense. It is quite possible to be both. I know I have been in that situation. It can take people like us a long time to recognize how we feel about something, or someone, and even longer to process it to the point of deciding if it makes sense and how we want to act upon it. This person's behavior is certainly that of someone who not only likes you, but is comfortable enough around you to relax a bit and let you see beyond the default public persona. I don't think he would have gone to your birthday party at all if he didn't like you, at least as a friend. The delay in texting birthday wishes is something I have done multiple times myself. It does not reflect a lack of concern for or interest in the other person, just the fact that our attention can be diverted into something else to the point where other things fall outside our focus.

What do want to do? Do you feel the need to say something to him about the nature of your relationship, or is it enough just to keep interacting as you have been? It can be tempting to hold back in order not to overwhelm him or scare him off. This is wise, to a point. Especially if he is dense, he may need you to take the initiative in articulating how you feel or what you want. Even something simple like, "I'm glad we met. I enjoy spending time together." is fairly low-pressure, but removes any doubt he may have. How he responds may be very instructive.

Coriolis, thank you for your valuable input.

Of course I’m interested in him as more than just friends, but my brain can’t help but look at the bigger picture, and take into consideration every single little thing.

I think my care/concern for him comes before my liking him. I know finding a job is of the utmost importance and urgency to him right now, especially as a foreigner in terms of Visas. I understand that as a foreigner myself, and I know how stressful it can be — I’ve been there. So, let’s just say I don’t want to add to his stressors right now, and am more concerned in becoming someone he can turn to if he wants or needs. Someone that can offer a safe and comfortable space, someone that can offer him cookies when he needs sugar (and he consumes a lot of it lol). My way of caring for people (my people) is helping them. Once you have a goal, it becomes my goal too. Your success is my success, but more than anything I want to see you fulfilled. And that’s how I feel towards him. That’s why I’ve been going out of my way to try to help him find work, find connections, and even help him with his presentations. He was kind of shocked when he found out I actually did research on my own, after we had split from working together, for his brief. That’s one of the ways I show my affection.

My plan was to just ride the wave and go with the flow for now, but try and amp up the level once he gets a job. Because I think trying to do or be anything more with him right now, is not a good call. I don’t see it succeeding — I see it backfiring more than anything. That said, I will continue to show I’m there for him, and that I care for him in my own ways — by giving concrete help, or food, or discounted coffee lol. And once in a while, some words of comfort.

I observe a lot, and mold myself based on the situation, environment, or cues I pick up. In a way you could say I put others and their needs before myself and mine, but of course that only applies to the people I care for. I don’t see myself explicitly saying something like you suggested, as I do struggle myself to express my emotions, especially in words. But I could try and blurt out something along the lines of “I enjoy your company.” However, the timing needs to be right.

 

[itsapizza]

Hello. I’m back haha.

My understanding is that ISTJs withdraw when they need to process or think. I haven’t seen the guy in over a week, which is fine. But he broke the pattern by coming to the cafe on Monday, but I wasn’t there. I had set aside some cookies for him with a little note to cheer him up, and my coworker gave them to him. She said he came in looking like the wall he usually is, but she could tell he was sad. However, once he got the cookies he seemed happy, but did state 3 were too many (I only gave him that much because I didn’t know which flavor he prefers). Are gestures like this too much? Is it something you like/appreciate or more of a “burden”?

If you like someone, do you want to see them? And if so, do you act upon it?

My coworker thinks he’s not interested, and that, coupled with my INTP overthinking spirals, got me questioning everything lol.

 

[Coriolis]

Hello. I’m back haha.

My understanding is that ISTJs withdraw when they need to process or think. I haven’t seen the guy in over a week, which is fine. But he broke the pattern by coming to the cafe on Monday, but I wasn’t there. I had set aside some cookies for him with a little note to cheer him up, and my coworker gave them to him. She said he came in looking like the wall he usually is, but she could tell he was sad. However, once he got the cookies he seemed happy, but did state 3 were too many (I only gave him that much because I didn’t know which flavor he prefers). Are gestures like this too much? Is it something you like/appreciate or more of a “burden”?

If you like someone, do you want to see them? And if so, do you act upon it?

My coworker thinks he’s not interested, and that, coupled with my INTP overthinking spirals, got me questioning everything lol.

With the caveats that I am one letter off from this fellow, and I am simply not him:

I think most ITs withdraw when they need to process. I certainly do. I am always concerned that if I react in the moment, without what I consider to be adequate thought, I may regret my actions later. I would not consider such a gesture too much, coming from someone with whom I had interacted in a friendly way as much as you have interacted with him. Now if they were those mammoth specialty cookies some places sell, I might have considered it "too much" in that I would rarely eat more than one at a time, but I would appreciate the gesture, rather than consider it a burden. You did mention helping him with some presentation, so he may be starting to feel like the giving has been all on your side, unless he has done small things for you that you didn't mention. In any case, I don't scorekeep such things, but I probably would reciprocate with something small. If he doesn't, he may be preoccupied, worried that he doesn't know what you like, or just not someone in the habit of doing that.

In any case, if I like someone, I definitely do want to see them. If I am too reticent to ask outright, I will try to put myself in their path, as he does when he comes to the coffee shop. Why does your coworker think he is not interested, other than perhaps the focus on getting a job that you mentioned yourself?

 

[itsapizza]

You did mention helping him with some presentation, so he may be starting to feel like the giving has been all on your side, unless he has done small things for you that you didn't mention. In any case, I don't scorekeep such things, but I probably would reciprocate with something small. If he doesn't, he may be preoccupied, worried that he doesn't know what you like, or just not someone in the habit of doing that.

I’m not sure, but I think he gives in his own way. For example, sharing his candies and snacks with me. And even his time really. Or when our friend was presumed missing, I was worried so I texted him about it, and he asked me if I wanted him to go check his, as in our friend's, apartment. Another time, he was leaving, and I was contorting in silence because Premiere was acting up. He asked me what was wrong, so when I told him, he came to my side and started looking at my screen and went into solving mode. Little things like these, but here is the thing — these could mean nothing, so I can’t be sure. However, he doesn’t strike me as the type that would give you explicit gifts.

worried that he doesn't know what you like

Speaking of this — he carries with him a ziploc with Chupa Chups in it. The first time he brought it out, he asked me if I wanted some so I told him to pick one for me. After much consideration, he gave me one of each. I never expected to get a bouquet of lollipops haha. Made my day.

Why does your coworker think he is not interested, other than perhaps the focus on getting a job that you mentioned yourself?

This too, I’m confused about. Because at times she’s shown she agrees he’s interested, but when we talked about it yesterday, she said the opposite. I think most of it comes from a lack of initiative? And pursuing? Like he’s not proactive enough, or showing enough. Which I can understand — from an outsider’s perspective it can totally look like nothing is happening. And since we are close, she knows me and knows all the little things I’ve done. But at the same time, she wasn’t there when I sat with him alone, she didn’t see certain things of him that I saw. I told her, but it’s not the same. But she did bring up a good point — what I say is from my perspective, so who knows if I’m right about any of this? Can I say I’m not biased?

Yes, it would be nice if he showed more, but at the same time I understand, because I think I’ve gotten a sense of how he is. But again, what if I’m reading everything wrong? There are days that I feel good, but others I truly question if he likes me or not. Like these days for example — he used to come so often, and now he hasn’t been coming in. A part of my brain is like, “If he really liked you, he’d come see you”, while the other is like, “You don’t know what is going on in his life. He has a life outside of the cafe, outside of your interactions.”

 

[Coriolis]

I’m not sure, but I think he gives in his own way. For example, sharing his candies and snacks with me. And even his time really. Or when our friend was presumed missing, I was worried so I texted him about it, and he asked me if I wanted him to go check his, as in our friend's, apartment. Another time, he was leaving, and I was contorting in silence because Premiere was acting up. He asked me what was wrong, so when I told him, he came to my side and started looking at my screen and went into solving mode. Little things like these, but here is the thing — these could mean nothing, so I can’t be sure. However, he doesn’t strike me as the type that would give you explicit gifts.


Speaking of this — he carries with him a ziploc with Chupa Chups in it. The first time he brought it out, he asked me if I wanted some so I told him to pick one for me. After much consideration, he gave me one of each. I never expected to get a bouquet of lollipops haha. Made my day.


This too, I’m confused about. Because at times she’s shown she agrees he’s interested, but when we talked about it yesterday, she said the opposite. I think most of it comes from a lack of initiative? And pursuing? Like he’s not proactive enough, or showing enough. Which I can understand — from an outsider’s perspective it can totally look like nothing is happening. And since we are close, she knows me and knows all the little things I’ve done. But at the same time, she wasn’t there when I sat with him alone, she didn’t see certain things of him that I saw. I told her, but it’s not the same. But she did bring up a good point — what I say is from my perspective, so who knows if I’m right about any of this? Can I say I’m not biased?

Yes, it would be nice if he showed more, but at the same time I understand, because I think I’ve gotten a sense of how he is. But again, what if I’m reading everything wrong? There are days that I feel good, but others I truly question if he likes me or not. Like these days for example — he used to come so often, and now he hasn’t been coming in. A part of my brain is like, “If he really liked you, he’d come see you”, while the other is like, “You don’t know what is going on in his life. He has a life outside of the cafe, outside of your interactions.”

I wonder if your coworker was expecting this guy to say more to her about you, or perhaps ask what you think of him. Some people will do that if they like someone: try to get a sense from a friend of how that person sees them. I am sure this guy is just too private to do that, which your coworker may interpret as disinterest. I wouldn't worry about this part. His behavior has been consistent in suggesting he does like you, at least as a friend. Of course, the only way to know is to ask directly, or at least be more open to him about your feelings and see how he responds. I understand why you have been hesitant to do that. You will have to balance your curiosity and concern with the need not to say too much too soon, and make him uncomfortable or even spooked. When you do decide to speak, you can do it in baby steps, like the comment I suggested about just enjoying the time you spend together.

 

[Luminous]

You could ask why he's coming in less? If for nothing else but sincere care for him.

 

[blisterectome]

I do not understand the hypothetical scenario, could you please repeat yourself using basic logic and common sense?
- ISTJeff

 

[citizen cane]

As a possible ISTJ, all I can say is...good luck. I wish I had more advice to give, but we're often complicated creatures that cringe at the idea of emotional openness.

 

[itsapizza]

Thank you everyone for the responses.

You could ask why he's coming in less? If for nothing else but sincere care for him.

I wanted to give it some time, but if I don't see him tomorrow as well, I'll text him. Will keep you posted!

 

[itsapizza]

Alright. I come bearing updates:

I ended up texting him, and turns out he got the job!! He said they gave him the offer today. He also said he really appreciates my help. Looks like the brief was a success! I'm happy for him

He then proceeded to say he thinks he won't be coming to the cafe for a while, because he would like to take some time off before he starts working -- totally valid.

I respect him wanting to do his thing, but I thought this was a good opportunity to just kind of ask him out, without directly asking him lol. So I told him that if he's ever bored, or wants to grab a bite, to let me know. I wanted to make my point, but not be imposing. I want him to have the choice, if that makes any sense. And he responded, "Sure thanks!"

Hopefully that was direct enough haha. The question is, will he? And if he doesn't until I see him again, should I just assume he doesn't care all that much?

 

[citizen cane]

Alright. I come bearing updates:

I ended up texting him, and turns out he got the job!! He said they gave him the offer today. He also said he really appreciates my help. Looks like the brief was a success! I'm happy for him

He then proceeded to say he thinks he won't be coming to the cafe for a while, because he would like to take some time off before he starts working -- totally valid.

I respect him wanting to do his thing, but I thought this was a good opportunity to just kind of ask him out, without directly asking him lol. So I told him that if he's ever bored, or wants to grab a bite, to let me know. I wanted to make my point, but not be imposing. I want him to have the choice, if that makes any sense. And he responded, "Sure thanks!"

Hopefully that was direct enough haha. The question is, will he? And if he doesn't until I see him again, should I just assume he doesn't care all that much?

Your approach sounds...*exactly like an avoidant ISTJ* (ask me how I know). He may or may not be completely clueless. If you already have his number, just ask him out! Sounds like it's a lower risk situation for you right now since he's not regularly showing up at your work, so I say just go for it.

 

[Coriolis]

Alright. I come bearing updates:

I ended up texting him, and turns out he got the job!! He said they gave him the offer today. He also said he really appreciates my help. Looks like the brief was a success! I'm happy for him

He then proceeded to say he thinks he won't be coming to the cafe for a while, because he would like to take some time off before he starts working -- totally valid.

I respect him wanting to do his thing, but I thought this was a good opportunity to just kind of ask him out, without directly asking him lol. So I told him that if he's ever bored, or wants to grab a bite, to let me know. I wanted to make my point, but not be imposing. I want him to have the choice, if that makes any sense. And he responded, "Sure thanks!"

Hopefully that was direct enough haha. The question is, will he? And if he doesn't until I see him again, should I just assume he doesn't care all that much?

I'm confused. Was he coming to the cafe to do work of some kind? How is staying away part of "time off"?

In any case, I think it highly likely that he will NOT contact you to get together, even if he likes you and would enjoy such an activity. I agree with @citizen cane: you will need to do the asking. Try to present something as opportunistic: "I found out about a new restaurant across town and was thinking of checking it out Friday. Would you like to join me?" Then it sounds a little more like a companionable activity than a date, which may feel like less pressure. Yes, you may want to date, but you seem content to go slowly, and interacting as friends is a good intermediate step.

 

[itsapizza]

I'm confused. Was he coming to the cafe to do work of some kind? How is staying away part of "time off"?

He would do school work (he graduates next week) and job applications/interview presentations for the most part. I would be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind that maybe he needs some time away, on his own, to process certain things. Or maybe he just wants to spend time with his friends, go play tennis, which I know he loves, but hasn't had the chance to lately. I'm not sure how to interpret this.. In my head, you can still grab a coffee while taking time off. But if he means that he'll come work at the cafe once he starts the new job, then it would make sense for him to want to take time off from the cafe. Otherwise.. it sounds like he wants time away from the cafe, and me lol.

In any case, I think it highly likely that he will NOT contact you to get together, even if he likes you and would enjoy such an activity. I agree with @citizen cane: you will need to do the asking. Try to present something as opportunistic: "I found out about a new restaurant across town and was thinking of checking it out Friday. Would you like to join me?" Then it sounds a little more like a companionable activity than a date, which may feel like less pressure. Yes, you may want to date, but you seem content to go slowly, and interacting as friends is a good intermediate step.

Maybe I'm too cautious. I'm terrified of overstepping and messing everything up, so I play it mild. But I also got thrown off by the time off thing, but didn't just want to leave it at that, so I made my sheepish attempt to something A part of me wants to leave him alone, but the other doesn't want to wait a month before seeing him again (he said he'll probably start the job in mid June).

I'm gonna give it a couple weeks, and then maybe ask him. But I'm torn, because I don't know if that's something I should do. I don't know if this is his way of asking for space, or if it has nothing to do with me.

 

[Coriolis]

He would do school work (he graduates next week) and job applications/interview presentations for the most part. I would be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind that maybe he needs some time away, on his own, to process certain things. Or maybe he just wants to spend time with his friends, go play tennis, which I know he loves, but hasn't had the chance to lately. I'm not sure how to interpret this.. In my head, you can still grab a coffee while taking time off. But if he means that he'll come work at the cafe once he starts the new job, then it would make sense for him to want to take time off from the cafe. Otherwise.. it sounds like he wants time away from the cafe, and me lol.

Maybe I'm too cautious. I'm terrified of overstepping and messing everything up, so I play it mild. But I also got thrown off by the time off thing, but didn't just want to leave it at that, so I made my sheepish attempt to something A part of me wants to leave him alone, but the other doesn't want to wait a month before seeing him again (he said he'll probably start the job in mid June).

I'm gonna give it a couple weeks, and then maybe ask him. But I'm torn, because I don't know if that's something I should do. I don't know if this is his way of asking for space, or if it has nothing to do with me.

I think you are overthinking this. If he didn't want to interact with you during his break, I doubt he would have answered as he did when you mentioned getting together to him. If you do overstep, it won't be by much, and I suspect it would drive him away only if he had no interest to begin with. If that is the case, might as well know sooner rather than later. Take him at his word, which here is "sure, thanks!" I assume the exclamation point indicates some degree of enthusiasm.

I often read that we regret more the things we didn't do than the things we did. So, take the risk and ask him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Think it through and keep it very low-key, low pressure, but ask. If you don't, he won't, and you will always wonder. It might leave him with the impression that YOU are not interested, or that your invitation was one of those vague, insincere ones people often make.