Interesting.
I guess..it's the emotional depth* that Fi demands that makes people think that ENFPs lead people on - especially tertiary and inferior Fe-users, ime. Or maybe it's just the Ne-scouting that makes people nervous. It's true that Ne doesn't want to burn bridges, not until Fi says so, and if Fi is still being calibrated...that can be a while.
(don't get me wrong, at some point, as an ENFP, you figure out how to game this system and if you have enough baggage and self-esteem issues, you can definitely exploit this at the expense of others, to feed your ego).
I've said that very same thing she said about having that reputation. Because I realised my natural process of being and connecting gave people that impression though I didn't understand why at first. Tbh, I also have no problem with guys saying that they're assholes. My first question is why, and how. My second is, what makes you think that way about yourself. And who told you this? It gives a much more complete picture of the person than just that 'red flag'. If I find that their particular brand of 'assholeness' isn't a trigger for me, then who cares?
Meanwhile, an ENFP at 19 is going to be in the throws of calibrating her Fi, including on the romantic field - and yes, make mistakes. You need several data points for that, in fact, you need many. My first love was a player who cheated on his gfs and was too afraid still to change that part of him - I didn't have the experience determining that from the data points I collected to see that going in. But, he did give me al the time in the world to fall in love with him and do my 'homework' - however flawed it was.
The two next ones pushed their way into my life. I was afraid to do the homework, I'll admit. Yet they're the two who complained about caring more for me than I did for them - because I wasn't able to do the work. I was hesitant in the first place, and they rushed me. And I didn't want to 'lead them on', so I complied to the traditional format of 'dating' and how it's supposed to work, because I lost confidence in my own system. And I still regret doing so, to this day, and hurting those guys in the process.
The last man I dated was my INTJ - who was regularly called an asshole, btw. He gave me time and space, without expectation, while he was doing his own homework still, on this. In fact, when I met him, he was interested in someone else while talking to like 10 other women to get a more rounded perspective on dating. Over time, we became best friends and got to know each other through and through. Meanwhile, I wasn't willing to just settle anymore because I might be leading people on if I put in the time and the work.
If i were to be single today, I'd use that same process. Granted, I'd need way less time to assess compatibility, but you know what? Likely,some of those that I took an interest in might still feel I was 'leading them on'. Because, in those two or three days I'd need, I'd go deep. What some would call an 'emotional one-night stand'. Going naked emotionally and being as intimate as we can get. And yes, it wouldn't guarantee a future together. Guess it's like sleeping together on the first date - doesn't mean you're now in a committed relationship
(I do give people a heads up of that before we go there, to manage expectations)
That's the thing. After the work, after really getting to know each other, the answer can still be 'no'. Now, if you have someone who's just figuring out that process do this stuff..yeah, it can be messy.
My experience also teaches me not to go for a man who won't do the work himself - who is waiting for me and feeling like I lead him on. Coz that, for me, constitutes a serious lack in judgement - and a red flag. Why are you choosing *not* to do the work??? I'm fine with someone who wants to do it together because they feel a lack of experience, though.
I'm not saying she couldn't be wishy washy and a commitment phone, or for that matter stuck in Ne-scouting coz Fi doesn't know what to do with the data yet - we don't have enough data on her for that (oh, irony
)
In the end, love is a risk. And it can be painful as hell - just like anything else you try and master. It's a skill you develop, for that matter, to find your ideal mate. And you're bound to stumble and fall along the way.
It would be interesting to compare these processes for finding a mate between types, I think
It would appear that Fe has a *very* different way of going about that, for instance. The only way to navigate between the two is be aware of both, perhaps?
* I mean depth as in deep sea diving vs marathon swimming and passing through check points along the way (like Fe does). It's not meant to imply that other methods are shallow.
we are all works in progress
